Archaeology of the Soul

Bukan untuk sesiapa.

2012-01-24T13:45:00.002Z

Suddenly there's this sad feeling,

familiar.

Like a feeling of loss

but not too heavy.

Where have you been?

MALAS

2012-01-24T13:35:00.002Z

Kemalasan kini lebih besar dari keinginan. Rindu menulis.

Baru 2 mukasurat untuk 'projek' baru, tapi dah malas. Aiyo.

Answer.

2011-12-29T11:10:00.003Z

Teringat kembali kepada hari-hari yang sibuk mencari definisi Realiti atau detik-detik cuba memberi definisi kepada Realiti. Yang paling kecundang, ketika yakin tentang Realiti yang pragmatik. Astaghfirullah. Hari ini, masih sempat membaca ini:

Surah Al-Haaqqa
In the name of Allah, the Beneficent, the Merciful

The Sure Reality! (1) What is the Sure Reality? (2) And what will make thee realise what the Sure Reality is? (3) The Thamud and the `Ad people (branded) as false the Stunning Calamity! (4) But the Thamud― they were destroyed by a terrible storm of thunder and lightning! (5) And the `Ad― they were destroyed by a furious wind, exceedingly violent; (6) He made it rage against them seven nights and eight days in succession: So that thou couldst see the (whole) people lying prostrate in its (path), as if they had been roots of hollow palm- trees tumbled down! (7) Then seest thou any of them left surviving? (8) And Pharaoh, and those before him, and the Cities Overthrown committed habitual Sin. (9) And disobeyed (each) the messenger of their Lord; so He punished them with an abundant Penalty. (10) We, when the water (of Noah's flood) overflowed beyond its limits, carried you (mankind), in the floating (Ark). (11) That We might make it a message unto you, and that ears (that should hear the tale and) retain its memory should bear its (lessons) in remembrance. (12) Then, when one Blast is sounded on the Trumpet, (13) And the earth is moved and its mountains, and they are crushed to powder at one stroke― (14) On that Day shall the (Great) Event come to pass, (15) And the sky will be rent asunder, for it will that Day be flimsy (16) And the angels will be on its sides and eight will, that Day, bear the Throne of thy Lord above them. (17) That Day shall ye be brought to Judgment: not an act of yours that ye hide will be hidden. (18) Then He that will be given his Record in his right hand will say: "Ah here! read ye my Record! (19) "I did really understand that my Account would (one Day) reach me!" (20) And he will be in a life of Bliss, (21) In a Garden on high, (22) The Fruits whereof (will hang in bunches) low and near. (23) "Eat ye and drink ye, with full satisfaction; because of the (good) that ye sent before you, in the days that are gone!" (24) And he that will be given his Record in his left hand will say: "Ah! would that my record had not been given to me! (25) "And that I had never realised how my account (stood)! (26) "Ah! would that (Death) had made an end of me! (27) "Of no profit to me has been my wealth! (28) "My power has perished from me!"... (29) (The stern command will say): "Seize ye him, and bind ye him, (30) "And burn ye him in the Blazing Fire. (31) "Further, make him march in a chain, whereof the length is seventy cubits! (32) "This was he that would not believe in Allah Most High, (33) "And would not encourage the feeding of the indigent! (34) "So no friend hath he here this Day. (35) "Nor hath he any food except the corruption from the washing of wounds, (36) "Which none do eat but those in sin." (37) So I do call to witness what ye see (38) And what ye see not, (39) That this is verily the word of an honoured messenger; (40) It is not the word of a poet: little it is ye believe! (41) Nor is it the word of a soothsayer: little admonition it is ye receive. (42) (This is) a Message sent down from the Lord of the Worlds. (43) And if the messenger were to invent any sayings in Our name, (44) We should certainly seize him by his right hand, (45) And We should certainly then cut off the artery of his heart: (46) Nor could any of you withhold him (from Our wrath). (47) But verily this is a Message for the Allah-fearing. (48) And We certainly know that there are amongst you those that reject (it) (49) But truly (Revelation) is a cause of sorrow for the Unbelievers. (50) But verily it is Truth of assured certainty. (51) So glorify the name of thy Lord Most High. (52)

Surah Al-Haqqa, 69:1-52. SubhanAllah.

C'mere/Turnmyhead

2011-12-24T13:26:00.003Z

I'm in love with something real. It could be me, that's changing.

Layan lagu-lagu jiwa yang lama tak dilayan.

Favourite novel!

2011-12-18T01:49:00.001Z

“‘There are two kinds of men,’ said Ka, in a didatic voice. ‘The first kind does not fall in love until he’s seen how the girl eats a sandwich, how she combs her hair, what sort of nonsense she cares about, why she’s angry at her father and what sort of stories people tell about her. The second type of man - and I am this category - can fall in love with a woman only if he knows next to nothing about her.’”
— Orhan Pamuk, Snow

Familiar Strangers

2011-12-13T12:22:00.000Z

Romantika

2011-12-13T11:00:00.001Z

Be strong, our meeting point is in Paradise.

InsyaAllah.

I found love.

2011-11-27T15:33:00.005Z

You were a never-ending search,
with no answers.

But -

Love is a binding Soul,
that brings you forth
to the One Truth.

You were Darkness.

I was a blinded Soul.

But -

Love is not a search,
it is a lost moment found,
like Light on a dark winter's night.

Transendental

2011-11-25T12:28:00.002Z

Celikkan matamu,
sayang.

Ingatkah dikau?

Sejurus sang Suria
bertemu sang Bulan -

Ketika kepenatan
menguasai Siang,

Ketika dunia
beransur pulang,

Ketika Malam
megundang sayang.

Ingatkah dikau?

Sejenak Siang
memeluk Malam -

Ketika kesepian
menemani jiwa,

Ketika dunia
lelah berlumba,

Ketika kau dan aku
berkongsi cinta?

Siri tidak berseri.

2011-11-25T07:58:00.003Z

I secretly think my life has gone a little out of shape some time around the year 2009 when I was nearing to complete my degree(s) simply because there was little to do. At least in terms of academic. Until today, I honestly feel my life has little structure or no structure at all.

Really, all I do is laze in bed all day and think about thinking. I might just be one of the laziest bum ever, I promise you my mom wishes she could do something about it. Or my future husband, or mother-in-law. Ya Allah, I hope they wouldn’t have a problem with that or perhaps I should outgrow this soon! My life has become a mundane routine of unhealthy attachments with my laptop, social networks and other electronic devices day after day. I communicate with my closest friends more on Twitter than us meeting up personally, how sad is that!

Please don’t get me wrong when I highlighted my academic life in the first line. I am not one of those students who let academia define their lives. Maybe I have, once upon a time ago. But I promise you I have outgrew that. I knew there was something much more to life and like everyone else; I was in a quest for an existential meaning (I still am just for the record).

But that’s not just about the academic world. I have always wanted to be an academician, God permits and if and only if I have the capabilities to do so, insyaAllah. So, if you don’t trust your future children in my hands, make sure you care enough to know their teachers/lecturers/professors names because one of them might be me! I have always think children to academicians would be well moulded and are good individuals and have always wanted to date one! Eh, irrelevant.

Among the things that made me realise about my unproductive lifestyle are my horrible, horrible present handwriting, which mostly look like GP prescriptions, and my growing laziness to keep things organised. I supposed I’m not one of your obsessive-compulsive ‘anal girl’, but growing up I get things organised by arranging my CDs alphabetically, tall to shorter books, colour coordinate my colour pencils and all that sort. But today, I am just plain blah!

Then I realised what was the cause of all these. If I were to be back in school, I would still have that attachment to my stationeries, notebooks and textbooks. We were still bound to do handwritten essays. We were still given opportunities to doodle on papers, textbooks and even on the tables although that might have cause a little fuss amongst the teachers and prefects. We meet our friends everyday over at school and in between classes. Oh, how true what they said – life was simpler then!

As we grow older together with the modern world however, we grow more distant from that little ‘structured’ world of ours when we were a little more organised and a little less lazy. The days when we were more attached to our pencil cases than to our laptops or other electronic devices to the extent when I was drafting this piece of writing, holding my favourite pen feels awkwardly weird. We have put too much trust on these mediums that we have become lazy. Think about it. We have the ‘oh-so-awesome’ Siri to read and reply our text messages for us, or to ask questions you’d ask your friends or strangers! We have Amazon and other websites recommending things that might be of our interest thanks to that coding they have encrypted to recognise our browsing habits. We have Google and Wikipedia for instant knowledge. And even Youtube to learn the most basic things. I say this because my kid brother once searched on Youtube on how to style his hair. I mean, really? (I would honestly nag him about creativity etc but we’ll save that for next time).

Gone are the days when we go around school urging everybody to write in our biodata books and where friends can decorate and personalised their personal pages. Today, to profile people, we just go on Facebook. It’s easier to profile people too, huh? That I can’t deny. But that’s just it. We have become lazier than what we were before - lazier to socialise, lazier to strike up small conversations and talks. Gone are the days where we would have to go to the bookstore and manually search for the books that we want. In the Western world, online consumerism are widely used in contrast to our beloved country, which also means online banking too. Nothing personal against it, just a little sad about the diminished thrill and sensation of spending a little longer in the bookstore to look for books and that human relationship between the shopkeeper and the customer. The Internet, yes it is easy when you have Google. But we would become much less of a social being when we are innate to be dependent on each other. And Siri? Ya Allah, it’s a topic on its own.

Sure all of these make our lives easier, but is it really what we seek and yearn for?

Personally, like how civilizations learn from the civilizations before them or nations and the ones before them; I think we ‘learn’ from the lives before us. To be fair, the condition of our nation wasn’t all that ‘Malaysia truly Asia’ or ‘1Malaysia’ before. Thus, the older generation would appreciate things that would facilitate to liberate the burdens in their lives. Like a stable financial account which would mean a more firm purchasing power because televisions, cars, telephones and even education were only limited to the luckier ‘class’. They might not admit it openly, but subconsciously, it affects us until today. Life was tough back then when you had Japanese soldiers who carry rifles with samurais attached to it wandering around your kampung area. With duit daun pisang being printed overtly, prices shoot rocket high; and goods are not being delivered just because the Westerns wanted the Japanese to leave. It is only logical to seek a more comfortable lifestyle when you already have the means to do so. And then it gets passed on to us. Of course again, subconsciously.

Therefore, our detachment from the littlest things in life like our pens and papers are transferred like energy to a different form of attachments to electronic devices and this has taken its toll. With consumerism and capitalism at its peak coupled with our urge to supersize our purchasing power; we become lazier by the day. My past interest in pretty stationeries have been replaced by cute blackberry, iPad, iPod, Macbook covers; my bad habit of hanging on the telephone with my closest friends for hours has been replaced by 120 characters on Twitter.

I am not pointing fingers to anybody or any parties at all. Maybe in its own, it is a dependent relationship like how human beings are innate to be - a pivotal relationship between our middle-class urge to consumerism, banks and capitalism that are dictating our lives, which would fundamentally lead us to a materialistic and superficial lifestyle. Which reminded me the instance when I was walking along the streets of Paris just recently. There in Galerie la Fayette were all the fortunate individuals who had the purchasing power to splurge on custom made designer goods when just on the outside of the building, were homeless individuals sleeping under dirty cloaks and people selling peanuts to make a living.

This lifestyle of electronic gadgets, social networks and consumerism not only had made me a lazy, less productive and also a heedless being about the actual cause of my life; but it has also made the world a façade place where individuals have superficial relationships paraded. You know, where you and your ‘friend’ only ‘talk’ to each other on Facebook and not really in real life. Or like when the pretty ladies on the beauty pageant root for poverty, animal rights and world peace when all they really care about are diamonds and the fast-paced life? Superficiality at its best.

Come on, I know all of your souls are much better than this. Time to wake up, Nadrah, jangan malas oi!

Keberadaan.

2011-11-10T10:52:00.001Z

The state of one's heart and mind is pivotal to one's entire being.

Kerana aku di sini, menuju ke arah Mu.

Eid Ul Adha.

2011-11-05T11:24:00.002Z

In the name of Allah SWT, the Beneficent, the Merciful.

In the spirits of celebrating and commemorate Nabi Ibrahim AS and his willingness to sacrifice his son, Nabi Ismail AS in the name of Allah SWT. And to sacrifices, slaughters in the name of Allah SWT.

Selamat menyambut Aidiladha.

Entrance

2011-11-04T10:24:00.002Z

Come to think of it, Fraud and Freud is only a letter difference.

Damn it Freud, damn it.

(Bukan) Puisi Hujan.

2011-11-01T12:15:00.004Z

Mutiara-mutiara Jannah
membasahi muka bumi.

Bertemankan cahaya
dan juga cinta.

Kerana yang alpa
digentarkan duniyanya
dengan bencana.

Cinta dalam tangisan
gara-gara jiwa.

Duniya kegelapan
gara-gara cahaya.

Kerana mutiara duniya,
hanyalah maya.

Kerana mutiara bumi,
adalah jiwa dan cahaya.

Hari Hujan.

2011-10-31T13:15:00.000Z

Reality.

2011-10-20T16:05:00.005+01:00

Yesterday, a schoolmate of mine passed away of the big C. Sudden but it happens. Like I tweeted the other day - Death is extremely ordinary.

In my previous post, I so confidently welcomed myself to the 'Real' world. Kononnya.

But there I was, standing on the muddy soil as a result of the heavy rain in Subang. Seems like it was a replay of the funeral I attended in July 2009. Perhaps it was because it was at the same place.

Same feeling of fear, different containment of emotions.

Dan baru malam semalam aku berdebat dengan rasional aku tentang keberadaan kita di Dunia. Tentang orang-orang yang memikirkan keberadaan kita untuk kehidupan yang seterusnya.

Real lovers and friends are ones who think for your wellbeing in the Hereafter and not only for your state in this temporal hedonistic life.

Look around you. At your friends who you spend your time with - occasionally or frequently. Ones who would always call you out for a game or two, a drinking session and all that sort? Kawan bersuka-ria. And ones who would come to your majlis tahlil, make a doa and recite surah yassin for you, pray that your burdens would be removed and your soul purified?

Which of your friends who would think of your wellbeing there, at the Hereafter?

Because frankly, when you pass on - nothing defines you. Not your branded clothes, not your bank accounts, your fancy cars, your academic qualifications and all that sort.

Who would be with you when you're six feet under?

The thing about us is that we're people of attachment. We're attached to entities either we admit it or not, either we are aware of it or otherwise. It's basic Attachment theory (e.g. Bowlby). We're attached to our caregivers since we're young. We're attached to the mundane things in life like our Facebook pages, our smartphones, the Internet etc. To Twitter even (guilty as charged)!

The things that at this point you think and feel like they facilitate to build ourselves and beings as people. Like our careers and stuff. Sure they complement our beings, but for how long?

At the end of the day, or let's just say, our lifetime; what can we truly depend on?

Your physical being will fail you. All these material things that kononnya help to define you, would cease like the toys you used to play when you were a toddler. And later on, so conveniently, the toys are passed on to other kids because they are not functional for you anymore.

Things get passed on. People fluctuate along. Life goes on.

Surely, there's something more. Something Real and True. Do not underestimate its physical absence. Just because it is not there, does not mean it is inexistent.

In less than 24 hours, I proved myself wrong. I am in the World, but it is not Real enough. In fact, it is not Real at all.

Truth and Reality has been debated from one civilization to another.

The Real and True world is the Hereafter. Surely, when something is Real and True is not temporal. It lasts. One that lasts not according to Time. Because Time ticks off. Time will eventually move on and fluctuate. Like Life. You want the Forever that has been talked and spoken of? Forever is there. Forever is Real and True. Forever is Timeless.

This is Romanticism at its best.

And just like that, I am reminded, subhanAllah. Passion still comes before money.

Al-Fatihah buat arwah Shahrilen Shahrul Anuar (1989-2011). Semoga rohnya di tempatkan di kalangan orang-orang yang beriman, insyaAllah.

No Such Thing

2011-10-18T08:52:00.007+01:00

Kelakar. Kalau kau temui aku beberapa tahun yang lalu, mudah sahaja untuk aku memberikan jawapan. Passion over money. Even if it's dirt cheap. Have you got anything against cheap labour?

Tetapi pada usia ini, rasional aku berdebat dengan jiwa aku. Hati mengatakan mahu, rasional mengatakan - know your worth!

Lucu bagaimana hanya beberapa musim boleh mengubah seseorang. Tidak, bukan mengubah. Aku masih percaya seseorang itu masih dirinya. Kita hanya terlupa tentang diri kita yang usul kerana hanyut dengan arus kehidupan. Seperti kita lupa dan alpa akan tujuan eksistential jiwa kita. Terlupa, simple as that.

Dan mungkin juga, mata aku telah melihat sedikit kelibat sang Dunia dan kekecohannya. Kalau kau berkesempatan membaca serpihan jiwa aku di dalam Antologi Surat Cinta Kita terbitan Bin Filem, aku ada selitkan perihal jiwa dan matawang dunia. Dan juga, kau akan ketawakan aku, yang kononnya berjiwa idealis. Tapi kini hanyut dengan permainan dunia, walau aku cuba sedaya-upaya untuk mempertahankannya.

Mungkin juga aku telah dengan secara tidak sedarnya terhanyut di dalam arus dunia dan huru-haranya. Dunia dan kerakusannya. Dunia, dunia dan dunia. Yang berjasad di mata kasar, yang metafizikal hanyut di mata minda. Dan di situ jugalah kesilapan aku, semuannya dunia. Yang kemudiannya mana?

Dunia yang melalaikan.

Mungkin tidak penting yang sedang dipertikaikan di dalam kepala aku. Mungkin, aku cuma harus diingati tentang diri aku yang impulsif beberapa tahun dahulu. Yang mentah dan rakus, dan yang masih bersangka baik dengan dunia dan penghuni-penghuninya.

Tentang prinsip idealistik aku yang diagung-agungkan dahulu.

Selamat datang ke dunia yang sebenar, Siti Nadrah!

Cinta Hati!

2011-10-18T08:47:00.006+01:00

What he lacks of, he compensates it with his entire being.

Rambling Man

2011-10-12T04:39:00.003+01:00

So I decided to go to the book fair.

The thing about me and books is that I tend to buy them a lot, but I haven't really got my hands around them to read.

Rasionalnya? Kalau rumah aku sendiri nanti tak ada library dan rak-rak buku cantik aku tak tau lah. Ataupun, cita-cita aku nak buka bookcafe nanti tak tercapai, aku pun tak tau mana nak sumbat buku-buku ni! Ataupun, kalau anak-anak aku nanti malas membaca, memang aku sekeh sekor-sekor.

And let me tell you this, I still have books in the boxes being shipped from United Kingdom; hasil pembelian setahun di sana.

Jadi, tak teruja sangat lah nampak buku semalam; mungkin juga sebab aku rasa mual. Okay mungkin sebab hampa tak ada buku bertemakan Psikologi; Falsafah ataupun Psikoanalitik. Ah, Malaysia should have its own Karnac Books.

But I managed to get the books anyway, 5 books for RM44. Which roughly means £8. Kalau aku ke sebuah kedai buku di Oxford di mana semua bukunya dijual pada harga £2 pun aku hanya akan dapat 4 buku. Or the second hand bookstore, which again I think Malaysia should really have.

All the above ramblings aside.

Apa yang telah menarik perhatian aku semalam adalah bilangan orang yang mengerumuni kawasan "Self-Help" dan "Idiots Guides to"; what does that imply?

People are lost or are they just simply idiots?

Nothing personal against the individuals really. Just you know, see the bigger picture. The dire need of people in search for something (or more). The one hand that will pull them up and out from their pool of troubles. That search for Freedom from all these freedom.

Btw, BBW Book Fair playlist I personally think, is a duplicate of mine! Kudos. :)

BBW

2011-10-11T12:02:00.001+01:00

They say, the book will find you. Like how a topic would.
Ha so buku apa yang mencari aku ni?
HAHA. K bye.

Denial tentang kebosanan. Ego, kau tau?

2011-10-11T03:49:00.005+01:00

Nak cakap bosan, tapi tak nak dan tak boleh nak cakap bosan. Kerana kebosanan itu adalah suatu keadaan untuk seorang yang tidak kreatif. Dan sebagai seorang yang kononnya sudah (penat) belajar tentang kreativiti dari segi psikoanalitik dan perkembangan kanak-kanak (dan manusia); seharusnya lebih bijak menangani dengan keadaan sebegini.

Sewaktu di bangku sekolah dahulu, aku sering merungut kebosanan. Dan aku juga sering kunci diri dalam bilik melayan kepala sendiri. Sekarang pun lebih sama, cuma bezanya, dulu lebih impulsif dengan buah pemikiran. Sekarang ni, buah pemikiran di atas buah pemikiran yang lain. Dua aras pemikiran yang berbeza. Mungkin juga lebih. Macam Inception.

Sekarang juga berbeza, sebab dah (kononnya) anak dara (tapi otak macam budak kecik lagi) - patut tolong di sekitar rumah.

Aku lebih rela berjelaga dengan teori-teori untuk penulisan akademik lah macam ni.

Mungkin patut habiskan buku-buku yang sudah bermastautin lama di rak-rak aku tu. (Dan serbu jualan murah Serigala di Serdang).

Dah, penat mengomel. Rajin kau melayan eh?

Pesta buku bulan lepas di Whistable Castle, Whistable, Kent.

Peralihan.

2011-10-05T02:49:00.005+01:00

Sebab rindukan United Kingdom dan juga,
sebab masih malas untuk mulakan penulisan (kalau boleh menulis).

After existence,

2011-09-29T13:07:00.000+01:00

Pernahkah kau tanyakan kepada diri sendiri; ke manakah perginya semua benda sejurus kewujudannya pada saat ini?

Mungkin pada pandangan pertama, mudah saja untuk kita pertikaikan. Semenjak aku kecil lagi, aku punyai suatu masalah ketika aku mengemas bilik aku - di manakah harus aku letakkan barang-barang yang sudah tidak berfungsi dengan dominannya pada tika itu? Selalunya, aku akan kumpulkan barang-barang tersebut dan letakkan di dalam bilik adik aku. Irresponsible, I know. Keluar mulut naga, masuk mulut buaya; bak kata Mama. Ya, pada suatu masa dahulu, ia mungkin telah berjasa kepada peruntukan diri aku dengan membantu untuk membentuk persepsi dan nilai kepercayaan aku. Habis madu, sepah dibuang. Tidak dan ya!

Like all things in life, things will get old. Bukan kerana kita tidak mengenang jasa, tetapi secara umumnya, fungsi utama material tersebut akan menurun. Di manakah tempatnya kewujudan sesuatu setelah nilai kewujudannya itu tidak lagi pada nilai optimum? I.e. buku sekolah, cadar lama.

Cuba kau fikirkan. Mungkin senang untuk dikatakan; dermakan sahaja kepada yang lebih memerlukan. Mungkin kepada insan yang akan lebih menghargai daripada kita yang tidak mengenal untung.

Tidak. Bukan semudah itu.

Walau dalam bentuk pakaian pun, jika kau dermakan kepada rumah-rumah kebajikan, atau dihulurkan kepada adik-adik; tetapi apakah yang akan menentukan akhirnya riwayat pakaian tersebut? Walau dalam keadaan koyak-rabak pun, masih boleh dijadikan kain lap. Selepas itu, apa? Buang ke dalam tong sampah, dan akan ditempatkan di pergunungan sampah bersama yang lain?

That's the problem right there. Walau dibuang sekalipun, tak bermakna hilang dari kewujudan. Seperti hukum tenaga yang kita pelajari sewaktu di bangku sekolah; tenaga tidak boleh dicipta atau dimansuhkan, sebaliknya bertukar dari satu bentuk lain ke bentuk yang lain.

You can delete someone off your Facebook or phonebook or you Life's book, but yet they still exist in the communal world.

Dan mungkin dengan sekali imbas, kita akan fikirkan ianya hanya tertakluk kepada entiti yang berjasad dan fizikal. Bagaimana pula dengan yang bersifat metafizikal? Atau yang tidak mempunyai jasad tetapi kita tahu dan pasti akan kewujudannya, like Faith and Love?

Ada apa dengan kewujudan kita sendiri yang merangkumi aspek fizikal dan metafizikal?

Sejurus dengan Masa, keadaan fizikal kita juga akan merosot. Mungkin secara umumnya anggota badan kita tidak akan dibuang, tetapi lama kelamaan, kewujudan fizikal kita akan lesap apabila ajal kita sampai. Death is extremely ordinary.

But what comes after?

Kau

2011-09-23T09:58:00.003+01:00

Kau
sebuah puisi
yang aku karyakan
seusia dulu.

Di kala jiwa
aku buta.

Seketika aku
alpa
dengan duniya.

Kau
buah pemikiran
aku yang
terbenam
di pelusuk
minda,

di ruang dan
masa
metafizika.

Sejenak kegelapan.

Where are my manners?

2011-09-01T20:45:00.001+01:00

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri!

Maaf zahir dan batin.

Colouring in the lines;

2011-08-31T22:09:00.005+01:00

I think I'm decently obsessed with lines ever since I was a little girl.

Or perhaps it is because we were trained in school to be as such. You know, when you were in kindergarden, they'd ask you to colour in the lines and make sure you colour in the same stroke. And at both I failed miserably. I don't colour in the blimey lines nor do I colour with the same stroke, it's bloody damn tiring tau tak? I remember always complaining about my hand. It's like a form of exercise for my right hand! But anyway, you get the picture.

And I always get compared to the other kids who colour their pictures perfectly, with the right shade of colour for the right things. Like colouring my man in green instead of the normal yellow or orange. Eh hello, kalau aku warna aku punya orang tu hitam pun kau ada masalah ke? So I secretly think my teacher was a racist lor. Or maybe my teacher didn't like Shrek. Hmmm.

Point is, we're so trained to be in the lines, not that it's bad or anything. I mean, we do need some sort of guidance and law to abide to. Even our bodies too, they're obliged to whatever systems our body parts are abide to. You know, the lymph, our muscles, our blood circulations and all that. Our beings are abide to a certain kind of governance. Without it, our bodies wouldn't function. We're abide to gravity. Simple as that. But yeah.

Again, point is, if I were to colour my orang in green pun, apa masalahnya? We're so attuned to that certain stereotypical image or our preconceptions of things that if we were to move an inch of someone's cheese, he/she would freak out. Perhaps also, it is because in general, human beings dislike uncertainties. But that's life, mate.

If you think about it, there are so many forms of lines. We've got straight lines, crooked ones, zig zags and even perforated ones. Each has their own functional roles.

Like a decent continuous line for example, it is complete and continuous. Then you shape the line into a circle. Nothing from outside the circle can penetrate into the circle. Unlike a circle with a perforated line, which is not continuous, allows some sort of an input from outside the circle into the circle.

Or think about that kid in class that really presses his pencil onto his book that if you flip even 3 pages after, you can still see traces of his writing in compare to the kid girl who gently writes on her book with not too much or too little force. If the line is drawn with too much force it gets really dark and rigid whereas if the line is too drawn with too little force it gets too fine.

When the line gets too dark and obvious, the surroundings of the outer and inner circle gets distinctly differentiated, allowing no transcendental space in between it. Living no space for you to think outside the box. Like colouring and maintaining your hand in a single acceleration to colour your printed picture IN the lines. With the preferable 'norm' colour.

On the other hand, if the line is drawn with too little force, the line gets to fine, you can't differentiate the outer and inner surroundings. And things between the external and inner world do not get differentiated properly. They get blurry. Hah, this is easy. Think pathological relationships. You know, the ones where you're supposed to be in a relationship with somebody, but both of you are flirting your ways with other people as well. And the best part is, you both are overtly intimate with other people as well, and you claimed that 'we're just friends and hanging out'.

Worse, if they threaten your existence and your whole entire being trying to persuade you are not who you are.

Sort-your-self-out-first.

I could dive into Freud and the whole neurosis, psychosis and the lines that differentiate one's inner and outer worlds and one's relationship with the mother that helps one to differentiate the two, but that'll be redundant and it would feel like my thesis paper all over again. So er, you get the picture here.

I am glad I colour my man green, and I am also glad I didn't specifically need to colour my bloody picture in a single stroke so it'll come out perfect. To imperfect strokes and non-conformist colours!

Something like this!:

(My niece's drawing back when she was 3)

We need fluctuations in life. The weight is a gift.

Because #awkwardmoments are overrated,

2011-08-23T06:16:00.002+01:00

#Thatawkwardmoment when instead of typing its, your butterfingers typed tits. And enter.

C'est la vie!

2011-08-19T23:12:00.004+01:00

What's worse than complaining and blogging about girls and their serious discussion about make-ups?

Telling a friend about the serious discussion you had eavesdropped earlier and then she replied:

"Tapi I dulu pun macam tu".

K fine.

Pretty girls in make-up.

2011-08-19T15:57:00.011+01:00

Maybe it is because I didn't really grow up in a proper girlish way. Or maybe it is just normal for people to converse seriously about it loudly on the bus or something.

But really?

I never knew how much coating of mascara can there be! To top it up different brushes and their different effects on your eye lashes. Or what wonders layers of foundation could be, and the vast range of it.

Or how they can spend hours at Boots around the make-up section so seriously. And their deep affections towards make-ups. Or how there's actually very little they need but it is just that they want so much.

And then they had got me thinking of consumerism and capitalism instead! Or how we should really invest on golds and silvers (not to sell them again on rainy days but you know) since the monetary system is screwed up, anyways.

I think now I understand when the boyfriend told me how he was 'observing' (eavesdropping more like it -_- takes one to know another, kan?) people who were discussing some new mainstream single hit so seriously.

Really?

Here I am trying to digest the relations between Anna Freud, not like I'm such a bore or anything but yeah.

I miss the days when life was narrowed to jeans, tee and a pair of good ol' Converse. My life has turned into long skirts and maxi dresses.

But really, do people ever talk about anything substantial anymore?

Since we're here, I might as well share this.

Who the fish is - ?

2011-08-18T01:21:00.001+01:00

Music preferences.

Psyched, not cooked.

2011-08-17T01:03:00.006+01:00

Dulu, masa aku kemaruk nak belajar memasak, asal masuk dapur je mesti kena halau dengan mama. Sebab aku buat kerja bersepah. Dan mungkin aku tak reti memasak, so hanya akan melambatkan proses dia memasak. Basically, she likes to do it on her own.

Kemudian, bila aku tanya orang macam mana nak masak, rata-rata orang akan kata - secukup rasa. Eh hello, secukup rasa macam mana tu? Satu sudu ke, dua sudu ke, secubit ke apa ke. Gua tak reti lah, bro!

Tapi tu dulu. (Bukannya pandai masak dah pun, cuma boleh lah nak gemukkan diri sendiri)

Sekarang ni, mengikut pengiraan dan pertikaian aku, cooking is 1 part ingredients the other parts confidence. Confident je kau nak masak apa okay, lepas tu hias cantik-cantik. Reverse psychology, orang kata.

But then it hit me. Cooking is beyond the procedures of it.

I asked mama the other day on how to cook Laksa Johor (yer cita-cita tinggi, tapi tak ada bahan pun kat sini). After giving me a whole list of ingredients yang tak boleh dapat kat sini, at the end she said: "Baca je Bismillah, and cook it with love. InsyaAllah, sedap lah tu nanti".

And Freud said, "Psychoanalysis is in essence a cure through love". You don't need to be in therapy to see psychoanalytic thinking in progress. It's everywhere in life.

And even in Islam, you're urged to eat food to the purest of forms. I mean, genetically modified food is not good for your health anyways. What more with the whole issue of having emulsifiers with pork in it, Halal chicken made fat with animal proteins or even food containing alcohol (even to the tiniest bit).

In a family institution, ideally, we are to eat home-cooked food together at the dinner table. And it is at the dinner table where we converse to one another at the end of the day. Eating food cooked from the purest of forms with love by the mother and put on the table by the father. Nourishments for the souls, both parents and kids.

Think about it.

Even at the start of a family institution, we have two separate individuals who have gone through two separate childhood, growing environment and phases of lives. These two would have to adapt and assimilate to each others' taste buds developed through their respective households and childhood. Years later, the kids would attain that nuclear family's collective taste buds and would have to assimilate further in future. And so forth.

Macam nak masak soto ayam tapi ada banyak cara.

Point is?

Entah, daging yang aku main masak je tadi sedap lah jugak. Hehe

At war!

2011-08-16T02:23:00.007+01:00

Swimming in the sea of psychoanalytic jargons. Redundant, I know.

I bet my followers on Twitter are sick of me tweeting about my love-hate relationship with Freud. Freud, Freud, Freud, Freud. And Freud.

I spoke to a good friend of mine, and the discussion on knowledge and Truth went on and on. We can only know as much as a drop of water in the mighty ocean. Yet, we strive for perfection in our academic papers.

We know perfection is not ours and that we can only know just as much. We attempt to practice and live up our lives to the Truth as urged and sent. But yet, it's like we have this little innate chip in us saying - perfect, perfect, perfect, perfect prefect.

And we came to the conclusion, kami salahkan sistem pendidikan negara.

What made me think I can do this MSc. again?

Header Baru

2011-08-13T16:59:00.002+01:00

Mulanya suruh kawan buat kan caricature je,

tapi dia baik hati jadi header pulak.

Thank you, Emir Tarmizi!

(For more artworks by him click on his name!)

In tangent.

2011-08-12T02:03:00.001+01:00

No one talks me back into perspective better other than you.

Thank you!

Kabut

2011-08-11T03:48:00.003+01:00

Aku rasa, aku tahu apa masalah aku. Mungkin. Aku sendiri juga tidak pasti, tetapi aku boleh cuba kongsikan bersama kau tentang pertikaian dan debat yang sedang berlaku di dalam kepala aku.

Dia tanya apa yang sedang berlegar di dalam ruang minda aku. Aku katakan, aku okay, cuma debat yang biasa sahaja. Sebenarnya, aku sendiri tak tau nak jawab apa. Aku sendiri pun tak tahu jika ini perkara biasa atau tidak.

Jujur, aku penat sehingga kerja aku terbantut. Mungkin juga dengan sengaja. Siapa yang tahu? Kebenaran Mutlak, bukan milik kita. Kita bukan berada di dunia di mana objektiviti mutlak milik kita. Atau Kebenaran pragmatik serta subjektiviti. Menerusi subjektiviti, kita cuba mencari objektiviti. Tapi kalau kedua-dua ni dah bidang meluas seperti 7 lautan bercantum, apa benda lagi yang masuk akal?

Ke aku yang tak masuk akal?

Mungkin masalah aku adalah, kehidupan aku kini seperti tiada struktur. Atau ketidakmampuan aku untuk berfungsi secara autonomi. Sudah kebiasaan dengan adanya struktur. Kini, terlalu banyak ruang dan masa sehingga aku sudah menjelajah dunia berapa juta kali dalam kepala. Hakikatnya, di dunia komunal aku tidak bergerak walau satu inci pun.

Kalau dahulu, mungkin aku akan salahkan kekosongan. Kini, ruang kekosongan sudah dipenuhi. Kebenaran sudah cuba aku dekati.

Persoalannya sekarang ni, nak salahkan apa?

Fine. Maybe truth is, I'm ambivalent towards Freud's Ego. Siapa nak habiskan esei aku ni oi?

Apa yang baru?

2011-08-10T23:39:00.001+01:00

Baru adalah aku yang masih berjelaga dengan rutin mental yang lama.

Tolong.

The other cheek.

2011-08-10T20:15:00.005+01:00

Kalau kau tanyakan pada aku tahun lepas, pasti jawapan aku akan berbeza. Mungkin rakus dan masih berang darah muda ku. Tapi itu sebelum kini.

Kalau kau tanyakan aku perihal dunia pada hari ini, mungkin aku akan berpaling tadah. Tapi bukan kerana aku tidak endah dan tidak kisah. Cuma kurang impuls.

Entah, mungkin perspektif sudah berbeza.

Siapa aku untuk menegakkan keadilan bila aku hanya tahu segelintir tentang Kebenaran? Siapa aku untuk mempertikaikan dunia apabila mata aku masih buta? Siapa aku untuk mencari Kebebasan apabila jiwa aku masih terikat?

Atau mungkin, aku sedar someone will always know more. Or that ultimately, only One who knows Everything.

Jadi siapa kita untuk menilaikan sesuatu dengan kayu ukur apabila kita sendiri masih kekurangan?

Summer '69, not.

2011-08-06T23:00:00.003+01:00

Das Ich.

Essay writing.

And my little orange Recesky courtesy of cinta hati, all the way from home.

Hee, I love!

Represent!

2011-07-31T23:22:00.003+01:00

Okay, saja. Tengah baca Freud, Narcissus dalaman jadi dominan kejap.

Apa-apa hal, Represent! RUN USJ all the way from England.

Tiba-tiba rajin update, senyap lah.

Tazkiyah.

2011-07-31T20:21:00.002+01:00

Ahlan Wa Sahlan Ya Ramadhan!

Tiba-tiba rasa tak patut upload gambar tangan tu. Happy purifying your souls, dear lovers and believers.

#Apolitikal (sebuah mitos)

2011-07-30T01:09:00.001+01:00

Kau nak Kebebasan yang macam mana lagi?

Cinta Hati.

2011-07-28T20:20:00.003+01:00

I wouldn't want to do it any other way.

Tapi rindu.

Omong kosong tentang kekosongan.

2011-07-27T22:53:00.003+01:00

Adakah sifat pencarian makna kita harus disengajakan, atau keinginan itu sudah tertanam di dalam pelusuk jiwa kita, yang semakin dikotori dunia?

Mungkin aku terlalu jauh mencarinya.

Dengan melalui fasa-fasa kehidupan yang berkisarkan persoalan dan kekosongan yang sama. Kalau dibaca balik entri-entri aku yang lama, masih berkecimpung dalam tema ini. Walaupun masih terperangkap dalam kitaran ini, tetapi tetap degil. Masih mencari komponen kehidupan di ruang dan masa yang seakan dan masih juga meyakinkan diri bahawa di luar itu, ada suatu komponen yang akan memberi makna dan rasional yang mendalam kepada semua ini.

Dimangkinkan lagi dengan sifat azali kita sebagai hanya seorang penjelajah di dunia komunal ini, aku ke luar menjelajah. Walaupun pada hakikatnya, aku sendiri tidak pasti dengan apa yang dicari. Cuma bisikan dalaman yang berkeras.

Mungkin juga kita seakan Parameswara, yang melarikan diri ke Temasek kemudian ke Tanah Melayu akibat keriuhan dalaman di Palembang. Kita lari ke luar dan ke dalam dunia komunal akibat keriuhan dalaman kita.

Kita mencari di dunia luar, kerana ianya lebih mudah. Di dunia luar, segalanya tampak pada mata kasar kita kerana kita tidak cukup berani dan kuat untuk menghadapi intipati kehidupan yang bersifat metafizikal. Kan lebih mudah untuk lari daripada berhadapan dengan perselisihan politik di Palembang?

Di dunia luar, segala fenomena kehidupan dan dunia dijasadkan. Jadi lebih mudah untuk kita melihat dan merasa dengan pancaindera kasar kita. Seperti Cinta misalnya. Apa itu Cinta? Kita tidak dapat melihat atau memegangnya. Tidak dapat menghuraikannya, menetapkan kesahihannya, tetapi bila kita merasainya, kita tahu kewujudannya. Dan kita juga tahu, risikonya.

Dan bila kita patah hati, kita juga tahu betapa benar kesakitannya, walau kita tidak nampaknya dengan mata kasar atau dengan pancaindera kita yang lain. Tetapi kita dapat merasainya.

Untuk kesenangan kita, Cinta telah dijasadkan kepada sejambak ros merah dan sekotak cokelat pada 14 Febuari atau barangan kemas mengikut kemampuan akaun bank masing-masing.

Kenapa? Kerana ianya lebih mudah jika kita boleh melihatnya dengan mata kasar. Kerana lebih mudah untuk kita membekukan perasaan dan jiwa kita daripada menyelami landskap jiwa kita yang berintikan Kebenaran.

Tetapi, boleh pula kita percayakan kepada nilai wang yang diletakkan kepada perbankan eletronik. Kan sama, kita tidak dapat melihatnya atau memegangnya?

If you ask me, it's because we're a bunch of scared little kids.

We know that in the Heart lies the Truth. It's just easier to live on the outside and to ignore the depth of our beings.

In the endless landscape of your internal world, lies the very meaning of your existence. There's no urgency to attribute it to external means. To social measurements like your mounting bank accounts or worldly achievements. Or that long awaited soulmate and lover of which you perceive as a saviour to your existence. These things that you think provide meaning to your life.

But what comes after?

Kebenaran dan Makna adalah lebih dekat daripada yang kita sangkakan. We're just not brave enough, yet.

Psyched, not baked.

2011-07-24T20:03:00.002+01:00

Psyched and Baked or,

Baked and Psyched?

“They had forgotten the pudding they were cooking and it was getting burnt.” Freud, Studies on Hysteria.

Anybody out there?

2011-07-23T21:56:00.002+01:00

Can somebody answer me, if I were to write paragraphs after paragraphs, would it not be sacred anymore?

Would they be writings based on mere ignorance as a result of my inadequate knowledge? How valid would it be?

Nak tulis, tapi macam tak patut tulis. Aku pun pening sudah!

As-Saffat (Those who set the ranks, drawn up in ranks)

2011-07-22T03:02:00.003+01:00

Maturity is a competition, only an immature individual would point out.

1, 2, 3, set go!

2011-07-12T18:27:00.002+01:00

Cita-cita tinggi langit, motivasi sejengkal.

Humility?

2011-07-08T03:11:00.002+01:00

There's that fine line of being narcissistic and educating;

so which is which?

Transitional.

2011-06-26T01:16:00.003+01:00

You'd honestly think you're well grounded with your Self. Honestly. From the bottom of your normal-sized heart. You'd give yourself some credits that you're ready for the world, that whatever that comes your way, you could handle them reasonably. Maybe not extremely well, but you know you could manage it somehow. Because you already know what you are capable of, what you should be doing and just simply because you're integrated with your Self and the outer world.

But then comes the reminder. Or maybe reminders.

At this point of life, I honestly think in general, relationships should be effortless. Or rather, not forceful. In a way that you don't feel obligated to your responsibilities as a friend or as a partner, or a sister etc. You would just do because you want to. And not because you have to.

Ones that aren't dreadful.

On the face value, everybody seem like a great fit. You're able to give ten million explanations of why people fit together. But which one of them are actually true and real? How would you know if you're not blinded by the light?

I was just thinking of how my relationships with both my niece and nephew would be 5 years down the road. She's almost 7 and he's almost 3. 5 years down the road, she'll be 12 and he'll be 8. Would we still be as close as we are today? Would I still be able to 'hold' them in this little 'containment' I have to offer? Would they still be able to 'hold' a place for me in their lives? And when they grow into beautiful beings, would our worlds still be aligned? Would we still be able to talk deeply and not mere superficial social conversation?

Then I am reminded of my relationships with my good friends that have been ongoing since we were 13. Or even before puberty. I guess it's just because we just be. Like Sartre said, being is what it is. So we be. Kun fayakun.

Perhaps, we can't really measure the degree of how our individual worlds collide. Naturally, we are bound to meet people of different subjective worlds out there. Even ones that are destructive to our beings. Ones that constantly test and shake your grounds by manipulating the actualities in order to ground themselves. Social pathology, if you ask me.

Sure these 'sociopaths' (the literal sense not the clinical one) would threaten your core beings. Would trespass your grounds. And would even discourage you from your own self-knowledge and beliefs (that are relevant to the Truth, of course).

But the very least it should do is to harm you in definite. What it should really do is to serve you as reminders. To remind you of your principles; your core values; your beings; and your Self. It should only polish and develop you more. And should serve as a mirror that allows you to reflect on your Self even greater. What kind of a person you are and the person you want to be in the future.

Would you join in the epidemic culture of pathologies or would you rather turn the other cheek?

(Did I just write a proper post entry? Merepek dah ni, gila!)

Terbang!

2011-06-15T22:03:00.003+01:00

Kebebasan datangnya secara metafizikal,

bukan menerusi ruangan fizikal.

Suram.

2011-06-04T14:08:00.001+01:00

Like seeing the shadow of the bright, majestic Sun hiding behind the thick, dark clouds.

Rupanya hujan di siang hari,

2011-05-27T00:07:00.003+01:00

Gerimis
di tengah Solstis,

ke mana perginya
sang Suria
pada siang hari?

Mungkin
di sebalik
kepulan awan
yang gelap.

Mengintai.

Seolah diujinya kita
dengan kesejukan.

Angin luar
seperti
mengundang bencana.

Berjelaga
dalam ketenangan.

Mungkin
tercicir ingatan ku.

Mungkin
gundah
gerak-geri ku.

Bilakah akan
pulih ingatan ku?

Dari manakah
akan datangnya
ketenangan ku?

The World We Live In:

2011-05-11T06:16:00.001+01:00

Monotheism: Can you imagine a broad river that divides for a while into three different streams before it once again becomes one greater wide river?

No, actually, I can write my essays better in the dark.

2011-05-05T21:30:00.003+01:00

O'
how I long
for
the darkest,
longest
winter nights!

Then,
we'd have more
lone time together.

Why have you not?

2011-05-05T20:30:00.003+01:00

In the outskirts of my mind;

A composition
of pragmatism.

Ideal.

O'
what cruelty
the outside
world bears!

Tis'
not equal
to a reflection even.

Naught
but shadows
of this
restless transition.

But,
is he not real?

That corner
you've kept
secretly sacred.

Hath he not
whispered
fine-sounding
words,

resembling
poetries of
the finest feeling?

That garden
of your unconscious
made conscious.

That flame,
into light.

Why then
haven't you
stepped outside,

and let live?

Gaya Bebas

2011-05-01T07:11:00.001+01:00

Berjalaga dalam lautan kata-kata akademia.

Dan rindu.

Duhai Bulan;

2011-04-25T04:52:00.006+01:00

Duhai Bulan.

Walau kau menjelma
hanya
separuh;

Ingatan aku
masih ketara
di kala kau
menjelma
- Menyeluruh.

Seperti mereka
yang
sudah
ketemui
yang di cari -
Jiwa.

Subuh ini;
kau
seakan aku
seusia dahulu.

Kelengkapan
yang
hanya ilusi.

Ilusi dan
Realiti
Bulan purnama
- indahnya duniya ;
terangnya Jiwa!

Seakan aku
pada tika ini.

Buat CH

2011-04-17T04:46:00.003+01:00

Di kala kelam,
aku mencari.

Hingga hujung duniya.

Di mana?

Ke mana?

Bagai mana?

Kita,
dari kehidupan
silam.

Pusing-pusing.

Kau,
kemudian aku,

Aku,
kemudian kau.

Mungkin
dulu tatkala
mentah, alpa.

Duniya dan bencana.

Mungkin
kini sementara
penilitian

Kisah hidup sementara.

Kebenaran.

Mungkin
dengan harapan

Hingga hujung ruang dan masa.

(Untitled #)

2011-03-15T14:24:00.004Z

There was a time,
Once. Twice.

Coloured every
colour,
shaded every
shade.

A blind soul,
a fool drunk
in love
with the world.

That, was once. Twice.

For the blind,
found life in
another.

Let go.

Then I felt,
the world
loved me back.

Tak tau lah tahun Jepon ke berapa aku tulis ni. Found it in one of the pages in my journal.

Playing and Reality

2011-03-08T14:53:00.001Z

A Day Like This

2011-03-07T19:24:00.004Z

It's like wearing my
heart out,
when it's really
buried deep beneath.

Like being read like
a book,
just by listening.

Like an open surgery
of my very own Soul.

Without lifting a limb.

Without doing anything.

Why and how
is it that
you see what I see?

Just because it's a really, really good day. Alhamdulillah.

Buat yang terlupa.

2011-03-04T12:35:00.004Z

Tatkala,
tampilan dunia
seolah berpesta
dan aku
berjelaga
dengan kekosongan
yang tidak berdasar;

di manakah cahaya?

Tatkala,
manusia yang
ramai tidak
memenuhi
pencarian jiwa;

adakah itu suara kehilangan?

Bukan diluar
jawapannya,
dari Mula
sudah dikuburi
dalam jiwa.

Bukan lagi
mendekati
malah makin
terkubur ke dalam.

Aku ke luar mencari,
pulang
tangan kosong.

Aku ke dalam mencari,
terserempak
kau di luar.

Delicate,

2011-02-27T16:00:00.005Z

What of the
darkest corners of
the poet's soul?

Like
a cold winter's
night.

The darkest
and the longest
hours.

Silence within silence.

Like an atlas of
untouched snow.

A wide spread
of delicate fracture,
contained
in a fine composition.

It must not be seen,
but
to be searched.

An effortless,
long
search.

That
irrational ease.

'The flowers
are blooming',

I heard them whisper.

Like bursting
into colours.

Into Life.

A gradual
change of the season.

Like my blinded soul,
I feel, I hear,
but I have not
seen.

The Fetal Position.

2011-02-10T19:42:00.008Z

I took the long way back. I guess it's some sort of a replacement to my long drive home in the middle of the night with the radio blast almost at a maximum volume, and the windows winded all the way down.

But yeah, I took the long way back with my iPod, and that particular song on heavy rotation.

I guess it was out of not wanting to go straight home and facing the mundane Thursday routines I have been having for the past couple of months. Perhaps I just wanted to be able to feel alive.

So I did, without having my head directing and navigating my feet. I just walked into the darkness and into the cold winter's night, only I wasn't sure whether if it is cold given it rained earlier. I wasn't able to feel any physical sensation. Or maybe I didn't want to be able to feel any, only internal ones.

Truth be told, it has been a really heavy day. Thursdays are days of self-discovery. It could possibly be the whole nature of embracing psychoanalytic thinking and psychoanalytic psychotherapy on its own. The whole ignition of your very core being that has been buried under your Self. The digging of the archeology of your Soul.

The thing about psychoanalytic thinking is that it's nothing and everything all at once. It tingles and gives sensations to your Soul, and then there you are left to wonder - what the hell was that?

Mostly, it keeps you in touch with your feelings you weren't sure you had them in you, and then leave you to figure and sort (if you like) them yourselves. More often than not, with very vague leads of their origins, causes, reasonings and whatever possible logical explanation you try to make out.

And as I walk into the literal darkness with damp grass and pavements, I try to give it an analytical insight. I tried to digest whatever that has been put on our plates during lectures earlier today. To digest my very own existence.

My feet then brought me to this slightly lit area where you could see split shadows of your Self in the cold winter's night. Pre-occupied at first, I was forced out of my own mind distracted by my shadows. The core shadow, which was magnified for its position under the street light and the other shadows (2-3 of them) that were still following my physical being. And the further I walked away from the street light(s), these shadows merged into one, and pretty soon, left me alone with my own physical being.

Well, that particular bit didn't help at all but instead left me with more questions in my head!

But after I was done with whatever that was needed to be done within my psyche, I decided to head back. Time to step out of it. But then I stopped at one corner, looked up at towards the dark (k)night, only to look out for the stars.

And there it was,

The Moon.

The Stars.

The Clouds

moving away as the wind blows.

The branches of the tree

under the light of the street lamp.

And then there's you

staring straight up to these.

The feeling of the wind

in your face,

blowing your hair away.

The beauty of the dark winter night.

And out of great darkness, comes great beauty.

64: At-Taghabun, Mutual Disillusion.

2011-02-06T14:28:00.001Z

بِسۡمِ ٱللهِ ٱلرَّحۡمَـٰنِ ٱلرَّحِي

So fear Allah as much as ye can; listen and obey; and spend in charity for the benefit of your own souls: And those saved from the covetousness of their own souls― they are the ones that achieve prosperity. (16)

What's a Wonderwall, anyway?

2011-02-02T15:26:00.004Z

The only thing that can make me really smile when I'm in a complete mess is my Muse.

That Flame.

That Light.

I Speak, Because I can.

2011-02-02T08:59:00.000Z

But aren't we all afraid to feel?

2011-02-01T00:25:00.003Z

Now I remember why this feels fucking right.

You feel.

Beauty is pain.

And this right here, is Life's beautiful gift.

Pusing-pusing

2011-02-01T00:14:00.003Z

Masalahnya,

bila rakamkan dengan kata-kata ringkas,
mahu yang panjang-panjang.

Bila panjang-panjang,
mahu yang ringkas-ringkas.

Mungkin
masih mencari.

An-Nisa, the Women.

2011-01-31T22:39:00.001Z

O ye who believe! ye are forbidden to inherit women against their will. Nor should ye treat them with harshness, that ye may take away part of the dower ye have given them,― except where they have been guilty of open lewdness; on the contrary live with them on a footing of kindness and equity. If ye take a dislike to them, it may be that ye dislike a thing and Allah brings about through it a great deal of good.

4(18), Surah an-Nisa.

Withdrawal.

2011-01-31T18:42:00.004Z

My apologies towards my own goal-striving Self. I can't read the long-winded text about infants and their cognitive capabilities or of his/her object relations with the mothers' breasts. Yes, you didn't read wrong, breasts. To be exact, Kleinian's good/bad breasts. The thing about psychoanalytic thinking is - Freud's psychosexual emphasis. Any of you fixated yet?

But my mind is just not generating properly. I need to be productive, but at the same time I want to be stagnant. Lay in bed all day if it requires me.

I even skipped the one thing that's left of my source of inspiration only to deprive myself more. See what I meant by being caught up in the space between?

You see, it is set to self-destruct.

And for God's sakes people, stop messaging me asking if I'm okay or otherwise. It just annoys the hell out of me, which would make me worse than okay. I know all of your intentions mean well, but I just need my own space and to function at my own time. And of course this goes unnoticed because none of them really read this space, hence the never-ending annoyance I could chew someone's head off.

I've been here.

And to be honest, I like it very much. It puts me into perspective and back in tangent. It really isn't the worst thing. And just because I don't act as 'normal', that really does not mean anything. What is normal, anyway? Your collective perceptions, as what you lot seem to suggest.

So should I really follow your collective perception of my Self?

Because to be honest, I have had enough of individuals who try to plant seeds of their own recollections of my Self as if they know better.

And the worst of it all, I allowed them to.

(Vio)late.

2011-01-30T18:06:00.003Z

It is as if
the grey skies,
and the cold winter
aren't adequate.

Or the inadequate
justice
of my knowledge
on things
that can't
be undone.

Like this
space and time,
my solitude,
and
this distant part of the world
I have left
aren't what I deserved.

Because it crept into it,
it crept,
as if it is a natural thing to do.

And the only thing
I think I feel
is

Violated.

What I did on A Lazy Sunday Afternoon was watch The Graduate.

(Untitled 3)

2011-01-30T09:56:00.004Z

Because yesterday, my Twitter feed was flooded by Laneway Festival tweets and twitpics, and the fact that I'm all over here, going through winter and most of my friends were in Singapore enjoying the sun and rain listening to Beach House, Foals, Yeasayer, Temper Trap etc.

Tunggu Summer, Reading festival! (Only cause Glastonbury is sold out).

Truth Is Stranger Than Fiction

2011-01-26T21:24:00.009Z

Reverse Psychology. The thing with this is that when you reverse this, and you reverse it again, and reverse it again, and again, and again, it gets really complicated. And when you really get into your head, and once you've passed that certain point inside it, you can't turn back. That's what happened to me

- A patient in the psychiatric ward I volunteer in.

Despite it being one of the classic philosophical questions, it remains in the grey area without any clear distinction between the black and the white. And the very problem with Truth is that, it is pragmatic.

Truth and Reality differs accordingly across individuals. What may be true for you, may not be true for me. But that's just the problem right there.

How true is Truth?

You see, I am constructed towards subjectivity and pragmatism leaving little space for objectivity and the sort. I like to think I'm Cartesian in some ways. I am also, a highly intuitive being which means most of the time, decision-makings are rarely based on facts. Because facts can be manipulated.

I was also a science student who scored fairly decent grades for my science papers, and what I've learned is that variables too can be manipulated. So despite the knowledge that Life is full of variables which requires us to accomodate, to a certain extent, variables are manipulated by an outer force. Why? To attain that certain outcome that has been longed for.

These thoughts started to reconstruct themselves (since I last studied on Truth and Reality few years back) when I was writing this particular essay few odd weeks ago which centralises the notion of intersubjectivity and mutual ground.

What happens when 2 constructions of (true) reality do not fit and accommodate one another?

I was at one of the wards in the local psychiatric hospital for my volunteering. What we are supposed to do is converse with the patients which would be a really good practice with what I'm learning. But that apart;

I was conversing with one of the patients who conveyed to me clearly her distinction of Truth and Reality. I supposed, it gave a sense of confidence of what she was telling since she has been 'clinically diagnosed'. It is then manageable to distinguish between the Reality shared by most individuals (including myself) and an individual who has been 'clinically diagnosed' with delusions (or perhaps 'psychoses'). Hence, some sort of a black and white realm on its own.

But what has been racing back and forth at the back of my mind is the grey area of pragmatic Truth and Reality. The kind where you know in reality, the person is not 'clinically diagnosed' of any psychopathology, but the 'Truth' spoken by the person is highly unlikely. It may be logical, but due to circumstances, you just know it is unlikely. After all, the highly intelligent individuals are the sort - refer to Silence of the Lamb. It is the state of being in between two polarisations that swallow us all.

What is worse in these conditions is that when you start doubting your Self, Truth and Reality that it may destroy your internalisations as you can only take as much. I mean sure you may say it's all about your self-esteem, confidence and the sort. But if you believe in pragmatism and subjectivity as much as I do, the lines get blurry.

But I guess that's where Faith comes in.

Turning Tables.

2011-01-26T17:58:00.003Z

The thing about Adele is that she makes music out of the age years I'm supposed to learn from. Probably because coincidentally, she shares similar developmental stages like I do. Then, when I was 19, and today, when I'm 21. And her new album is brilliant :D

Save The Last Dance.

2011-01-25T12:06:00.006Z

You see, growing up I have always failed to see the significance of a dance.

The one that takes two to tango. Ballroom dancing or that overrated prom dance that you kids look forward to. It may be because I was not brought up in a culture where these dances do not place a heavy emphasis, or that this aspect of Westernization has not been well spread to that part of the world that I grew up in. I grew up learning traditional Indian dance, Ghamelan, and occasionally the not-so-Malay-dances because really, they're all just jumbled up to one another. But that was when I was below 12. I can't dance, I can't sing. But I like to think so.

So point is, I grew up failing to see the significance of a dance.

There was this time, when The Killers' single from Day & Age, Human, came out, my friend texted me and asked why did Brandon Flowers wrote "Are we humans or are we dancers?". Unbeknownst of the accurate answer (which I found out 1 year and odd months later), I said it was because dancers were tied down to the beats and melodies of a song, they merely follow the beat and just dance. They're not given much space to exercise human qualities. Humans, are much more complexed than just dancing. Humans are constructed by many pragmatic truths and realities whereas dancers, are attuned towards the music.

Yet, I still fail to see the significance of a dance.

It was in class that it hit me. A dance (at least a metaphorical one) shared by two individuals is brilliantly beautiful.

Two individuals meet at a mutual ground, and take a test of the compatibilities of their minds. If their minds are compatible, they move in sync in the dance. They reciprocate with the beat of the music. They don't need to put much effort to collaborate, because even to the slightest move and the way they hold each other signifies the common ground that they share.

On the other hand, if they fail to meet in the common ground and feel one another, that's where the rupture is. If it was a collaboration and negotiation that we look for, that can be arranged in all human interactions and what you need is just tolerance. But dances take more than that, it takes a common feeling found in that mutual ground of two individuals. No technical aspects are required. After all, you're told to feel the music not analyse it. You sing and feel the lyrics, not criticize the structure and the grammar of its lyrics.

And that's what it's supposed to be like.

You can dance your entire life with the people you meet. The choreography will differ from one dance to another. It will also, gives you different impacts in your life. You can definitely always try a new dance routine with a new dance partner. But ask yourself this: Do you have to be technical about it or do you just let it come naturally?

Mad.

2011-01-17T07:29:00.002Z

What is meant to be metaphorical has become the surface and the obvious. Underneath, a bottomless well.

Top of the Pop

2011-01-15T17:58:00.003Z

Heavy.

2011-01-14T06:16:00.003Z

Because Lungs was on heavy rotation whenever I drive in the year 2009 as well as in my iPod. And well, because I really am not a fan of the Twilight Saga, but their OSTs are awesome.

And well, because the video is simply haunting. Gave me that scary victorian funeral feeling.

On another note, why on earth do I feel I need to explain myself all the time?

When do you feel most alive? (Redundant)

2011-01-14T05:23:00.007Z

Passion gives me moments of wholeness

Anaïs Nin

"When do you feel most alive?", I asked a good friend of mine just 5 days before the new year. There isn't any rationale behind my question, of course. Just the state of feeling as a part of the whole; a tiny node of the complex ecology. And out of curiosity of the other individual's internalisation.

But mostly because, there are times when I get the feeling of emptiness. You know, the feeling where you feel you're really just drifting through time and getting caged up inside your head?

There are also, moments when I feel fulfilled and alive. It is when I'm reading concepts, ideas and interventions on solipsism with a particular playlist on my iPod driven by that particular muse. Or when I walk in the halls of the local psychiatric ward last Monday for an interview.

And I didn't know what it was until yesterday...

Passion, that's all it takes.

Motion.

2011-01-12T23:10:00.002Z

Remember your Newton laws?

The answer is, stability.

That's what we're all looking for really.

This marks my welcoming of 2011.

2011-01-09T03:29:00.005Z

Every year, without fail, I tell myself that I need to live. Carpe f- diem. But every single year, I find myself caught in the vicious cycle.

I simply do not know how to.

Relational Concept.

2011-01-09T01:39:00.005Z

They don't correlate for nothing. It's all over the space. Coincidences are for 4-year-olds who think the world is small, and not relative.

And really,

I'm just talking about my essay unless of course you can read it into something else. I mean come on, what do you think I am, four?

21. Her second single, I reckon.

2011-01-06T23:03:00.000Z

Content (and Happy!)

2011-01-05T12:26:00.001Z

I feel free.

And

in tangent.

Just in time.

Closer

2011-01-05T04:44:00.002Z

"What's so great about the truth? Try lying for a change, it's the currency of the world".

Jude Law in Closer.

Too bad I don't live in the real world, so I don't appreciate manipulated truth.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

To the uninspired state.

2011-01-04T18:21:00.004Z

It is like when you attempt to look deeper and all you get is void.

It is like acknowledging the presence of your Muse,

but you rather not move your limbs towards.

It is like investing a quarter of your life,

but you are still unsure of your own capabilities.

It is like falling in an endless pitfall. Only it takes no form.

It is like trying to swim in the mighty ocean of rowdy tidal in the middle of nowhere.

But all you do is just float.

Apa benda ni lah weh? Aku nak buat esei.

All I feel are these.

To the worst of him.

2011-01-03T21:25:00.001Z

Not that it matters now, anyway.

01/01/11

2011-01-01T12:44:00.001Z

When do you feel most alive?

2010-12-30T21:33:00.002Z

Individuals take many forms. Of which, are related to their social roles depending on the social context that they are in. But which of these forms best represent their True Self (if such exists)?

if the True Self is existent, then which?

At which state of these 'selves' collectively forms or portrays one's 'True Self'?

When, do you feel most alive?

When do you feel most in touch with your internal world?

Is it when you detach/disengage yourself with others' selves? Or is it when you are functioning part of your other 'selves'? Is it when you're around your containing environment? Around your family, friends, loved ones? Is it when you're doing that thing you love so deeply? Is it when you're out with your lover tracing skylines, and being madly in love? Or is it when you're alone with your head, with your Soul? When your insides (insights) turn outward?

Is it, when your mindfulness come to live without the need of social acknowledgment?

Would your "true" form of Self be the collective set of your social roles? Would that be enough? Do they, collectively, make you feel alive?

And when you lose any of these parts, would you feel like you lose your Self?

When do you feel most alive?

Going Places: Something To Tell You (2)

2010-12-27T20:55:00.009Z

By VQ1015 Classic

By Canon (I dunno what model).

Oxfordshire, United Kingdom.

"I find careful patterns on the snow," Snow Patrol.

2010-12-27T13:41:00.002Z

I'm on a train to the metropolis in the middle of nowhere where when I look left, or right, there is snow everywhere. My world at this present state, is covered with white miracle. And well, Vampire Weekend singing 'Run' to me:

"We mostly work to live, until we live to work. She said, "You know there's nowhere else to go". But changing roles, it struck me that the two of us could run... Cause honey with you, is the only honest way to go. I could take two, if I could ever really know. Cause honey with you, and a battered radio" Vampire Weekend.

It struck to me just when I sat in between strangers, and if I were to go to the loo, who would I trust with my (general) personal belongings like my book?

And so happens, I suspect a stranger near me is from homeland. Would I strike a conversation, and assume trust?

If I were to trust this fellow (assumed) Malaysian, would it be because of our common nationality/ethnicity? Wouldn't I then be in some way, ethnocentric?

An elderly lady next to me, whom I've talked generally to, is reading a book. By some manner, she should be containing, warming and in a way, more trusting. But why, isn't my psyche/gut/impulse telling me she is the more trusting candidate?

(Is it even right to call them candidates for Trust?)

But those are the more general stuff, like material possessions that can be replaced.

What about matters of the heart and the immaterial parts of you? To whom do you trust them with?

And if so, how did the assumed trust begin?

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

21.

2010-12-12T01:42:00.001Z

Because she came up with 19 when I was 19, and the upcoming album 21 when I'm 21! Please lah, Malaysians lambat gila nak hype pasal Adele.

I will hunt for your next gig. F- yeah Brit music!

Snow Day/London Calling.

2010-12-11T10:33:00.002Z

School was out. We had snow day.

Autumn in London. Because London is London,

and I miss the city.

And I have lost my words.

(Untitled 2)

2010-11-09T22:33:00.003Z

O'
what of my being
and Soul?

Is it out of
your very own?

That part
of the whole.

The peace
of my internal war.

O'
what tragedy
of the unbeknownst!

O'
what horror
this prolonged wait!

Mine like the
familiarity of yours.

Would you
come to clarity?

Going Places: Something To Tell You (1)

2010-11-07T10:15:00.004Z

Nottingham Games Malaysia @ Nottingham University &

Nottingham City.

Oscar Wilde: An Extract.

2010-11-05T15:10:00.003Z

Soul and body, body and soul - how mysterious they were! There was animalism in the soul, and the body has its own moment of spirituality. The senses could refine, and the intellect could degrade. Who could say, where the fleshly impulse ceased, or the physical impulse began? How shallow were the arbitary definitions of ordinary psychologists! And yet how difficult to decide between the claims of the various schools! Was the soul a shadow seated in the house of sin? Or was the body really in the soul, as Giordano Bruno thought? The separation of spirit and matter was a mystery, and the union of spirit and matter was a mystery also.

The Picture of Dorian Gray, Oscar Wilde (p. 48)

03/11

2010-11-04T09:58:00.004Z

Meet me in the gardens of my unconscious.
There, an eternal flame.

(Untitled)

2010-11-02T05:03:00.000Z

Let it not be seen
by my naked eyes.

Let it linger in
my Soul for however long.

Let it not take
any physical form.

Hush,
no questions asked.

Just let it be, it.

Distant,

But present.

Still Life

2010-11-01T12:47:00.001Z