(Untitled)

Hold your tongue;

if the words to

be out of your lips

paint Nothingness.

Of not being;

and dwelling in there.

Of pseudo conscious

and conscience.

And plastic

tranquility.

Hold your love;

if you think this

may be,

For your existential

inquisitions.

For hearts aren't

thinking faculties.

But love

means meaning,

as meaning be.

Ghuraba (Strangers).

If every creation has its creator,

every writing its author,

every plan its plotter,

every design its designer,

- then what about you,

my young traveller?

Yang pilu.

Taken by Agfa Supersolina, at Pulau Pangkor

Katakan,

aku ketandusan inspirasi.

Dengan kebisuan,

sunyi sepi.

Katakan,

aku hanyut.

Dengan kerenah kehidupan,

kau berpaut.

Katakan,

kelu lidah aku.

Dengan gelap gelita,

dan jalan berliku.

Katakan,

kerana seusia dulu,

inspirasi aku,

kamu.

Yang diam terpaku.

Swallowed in the Sea

Remember

the wide sea?

Deep;

like our souls

intertwined in

a realm, we fear to

discover.

Free;

like these recurrent

thoughts of

unspoken possibilities.

Remember the

water current?

Wild;

like our young

hearts, eager

to discover.

Violent;

like our subtle

words embedded with

secret affections.

Remember the

wonders they bring?

Tranquil;

like the transcendental

space of day and night,

at dusk and dawn.

Destructive;

like a wrath

sent down to

remind us all.

But --

did we sink or swim?

Or were we

swallowed in the

sea.

Kau

Kau
sebuah puisi
yang aku karyakan
seusia dulu.

Di kala jiwa
aku buta.

Seketika aku
alpa
dengan duniya.

Kau
buah pemikiran
aku yang
terbenam
di pelusuk
minda,

di ruang dan
masa
metafizika.

Sejenak kegelapan.

Pretty girls in make-up.

Maybe it is because I didn't really grow up in a proper girlish way. Or maybe it is just normal for people to converse seriously about it loudly on the bus or something.

But really?

I never knew how much coating of mascara can there be! To top it up different brushes and their different effects on your eye lashes. Or what wonders layers of foundation could be, and the vast range of it.

Or how they can spend hours at Boots around the make-up section so seriously. And their deep affections towards make-ups. Or how there's actually very little they need but it is just that they want so much.

And then they had got me thinking of consumerism and capitalism instead! Or how we should really invest on golds and silvers (not to sell them again on rainy days but you know) since the monetary system is screwed up, anyways.

I think now I understand when the boyfriend told me how he was 'observing' (eavesdropping more like it -_- takes one to know another, kan?) people who were discussing some new mainstream single hit so seriously.

Really?

Here I am trying to digest the relations between Anna Freud, not like I'm such a bore or anything but yeah.

I miss the days when life was narrowed to jeans, tee and a pair of good ol' Converse. My life has turned into long skirts and maxi dresses.

But really, do people ever talk about anything substantial anymore?

Since we're here, I might as well share this.

As-Saffat (Those who set the ranks, drawn up in ranks)

Maturity is a competition, only an immature individual would point out.

Transitional.

You'd honestly think you're well grounded with your Self. Honestly. From the bottom of your normal-sized heart. You'd give yourself some credits that you're ready for the world, that whatever that comes your way, you could handle them reasonably. Maybe not extremely well, but you know you could manage it somehow. Because you already know what you are capable of, what you should be doing and just simply because you're integrated with your Self and the outer world.

But then comes the reminder. Or maybe reminders.

At this point of life, I honestly think in general, relationships should be effortless. Or rather, not forceful. In a way that you don't feel obligated to your responsibilities as a friend or as a partner, or a sister etc. You would just do because you want to. And not because you have to.

Ones that aren't dreadful.

On the face value, everybody seem like a great fit. You're able to give ten million explanations of why people fit together. But which one of them are actually true and real? How would you know if you're not blinded by the light?

I was just thinking of how my relationships with both my niece and nephew would be 5 years down the road. She's almost 7 and he's almost 3. 5 years down the road, she'll be 12 and he'll be 8. Would we still be as close as we are today? Would I still be able to 'hold' them in this little 'containment' I have to offer? Would they still be able to 'hold' a place for me in their lives? And when they grow into beautiful beings, would our worlds still be aligned? Would we still be able to talk deeply and not mere superficial social conversation?

Then I am reminded of my relationships with my good friends that have been ongoing since we were 13. Or even before puberty. I guess it's just because we just be. Like Sartre said, being is what it is. So we be. Kun fayakun.

Perhaps, we can't really measure the degree of how our individual worlds collide. Naturally, we are bound to meet people of different subjective worlds out there. Even ones that are destructive to our beings. Ones that constantly test and shake your grounds by manipulating the actualities in order to ground themselves. Social pathology, if you ask me.

Sure these 'sociopaths' (the literal sense not the clinical one) would threaten your core beings. Would trespass your grounds. And would even discourage you from your own self-knowledge and beliefs (that are relevant to the Truth, of course).

But the very least it should do is to harm you in definite. What it should really do is to serve you as reminders. To remind you of your principles; your core values; your beings; and your Self. It should only polish and develop you more. And should serve as a mirror that allows you to reflect on your Self even greater. What kind of a person you are and the person you want to be in the future.

Would you join in the epidemic culture of pathologies or would you rather turn the other cheek?

(Did I just write a proper post entry? Merepek dah ni, gila!)

Buat CH

Di kala kelam,
aku mencari.

Hingga hujung duniya.

Di mana?

Ke mana?

Bagai mana?

Kita,
dari kehidupan
silam.

Pusing-pusing.

Kau,
kemudian aku,

Aku,
kemudian kau.

Mungkin
dulu tatkala
mentah, alpa.

Duniya dan bencana.

Mungkin
kini sementara
penilitian

Kisah hidup sementara.

Kebenaran.

Mungkin
dengan harapan

Hingga hujung ruang dan masa.

Immaterial

Despite the longing soul,

and the yearning.

I acknowledge,

just the subconscious desire.

O,

what harm can it do?

Just a wound in the unconscious -

immaterial.

O,

what is the Truth?

Is it yours or mine -

pragmatic.

Repress, repress, repress.

Yearn.

Repress.

August 28, 2010.

Carl Jung once claimed, "Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will rule your life and you will call it fate".

Haste

My body,
Tired.

My mind,
Restless.

It grows,
And then it dies.

Make me
Embrace the flow.

O, foolish self -
Hasten judgments.

Impulsive,
By nature.

It spring back to life.

Resilient,
To the very core.

August 20, 2010.

Tentang Kita

Jika bisa ada

arkib jiwa,

mampu aku

tampakkan.

Mampu engkau

membuat pengertian.

Mampu kita

capai persetujuan.

Jika bisa

mengerti jiwa,

kita tidak berbeda.

Ogos 20, 2010.

Some Kind of Revelation

Like many, I have this strong urge to see the world. It may seem like a cliché that one wants to travel and see the world. On the surface, you would not see the connotations of this urge. Intrinsically, I feel as if it is a calling. A some kind of revelation. Especially these countries below:

Germany. Das Land der Dichter und Denker.

Above is a picture of the Berlin Wall that separates the East and the West. In 1989, the wall was demolished. JFK, then the President of United States uttered, "Ich bin ein Berliner!". Personally, the Berlin Wall has become somewhat a subconscious drive. Probably it is because after I heard Ben Gibbard singing about it in 'Crooked Teeth' which I thought it was brilliant. I need to go and see the Berlin Wall for I need to reconcile what has been segregated before. I need to synchronize the heart and the head.

Of course, to visit München and other parts of Deutschland. To even trace Freud's footsteps and to see what the country has become after the Third Reich. And Nietzsche! The Romanticism period in Germany where the artisans and melancholics yearn for that distant thing. And the Kulterkampf, because right now, my country land is at the state where we are in between cultures. Much like how she used to be di pertengahan jalan perdagangan, and her location di garisan khatulistiwa. And we get caught and confused.

Mama says, "Kak, nanti kau pergi Germany, kau pergi lah cari Özil, suruh dia kahwin dengan kau".

You see, I'm a girl with purposes.

Greece.

The ancient Greek city. I have been wanting to go to Athens ever since I was in school. It's a symbol of civilization! I want to walk the footsteps and paths of the great philosophers. The city where Metaphysics, Political Philosophy, Ethics, Logic, Aesthetics, Epistemology, Theology etc are born. The lot of Hellenistic philosophers. The place where you can only imagine Greek mythology, the oracle were materialized ancient years ago. The footsteps of the Sophists, of Plato, Socrates etc.

Russia.

I myself am not sure why would I want to visit Russia. But when I was a little girl, I had this feeling that Russia was an odd country. At least socio-politically. But I want to feel the extreme weather of Siberia. Walk the streets of Russia and feel skeptical about the place. With KGBs all over. Hah!

But I guess mostly because of Tolstoy, Doestoevsky, Vladimir. And of course, live up to Marxism.

Pakistan.

Despite its catastrophe, and may the souls be blessed in this holy month of Ramadhan, I have this urge to go Pakistan. Visit Karachi, Lahore and Islamabad. See what's life for them.

Listen to the locals tell stories on their former leaders, and how life could have been better. How poverty affects the little undernourished souls. How education could pave differences, and how political correctness should have benefited the many, not the few.

And to pick up some Urdu.

Turkey.

I fell in love with this place after reading Orhan Pamuk's Snow. It won the Nobel Prize, so just that says so much. But mostly Turkey, because it bloomed after the Ottoman empire. Which was followed by Mustafa Kemal Atatürk, the father of Secularism in Turkey. It's not that I'm in favour of Secularism neither am I against it. It's just something about Secularism that's fascinating. It's an Islamic civilization. About how Muslim women were (are?) not allowed to cover themselves with the hijab in universities and what not. I mean, I have a feeling this particular country has lost that pragmatic fine line along the way.

There's just something about Turkey that's calling me.

And did you know that Özil is half Turkish?

It all boils down to Let's Get Out of This Country by Camera Obscura.

Okay, kembali ke dunia nyata. But it is so much fun in the head.

You and I, we differ.

Who am I to tell you about Life?

You've got eyes, seek.
You've got ears, listen.

Who am I to tell you about you?

You've got a mind, ponder.
You've got a Soul, yearn.

You and I, we differ.

But, wait!

At any rate, waiting becomes a plot in our lives. We differ, of course. But the foundation is the same, we wait.

Waiting could be one of the toughest tasks in life. Due to the dynamic life uncertainties, we aren't able to estimate the time of arrival. So we are left on our feet and solid grounds to wait. And that depends on our might and will.

At times, when the rain pours and wet the soil of our grounds, we grow tired of the mud puddles. Get our feet dirty as we stand still under the rain. The wet soil gets all over our clean feet.

With our dirty feet and disturbed state, we start to question our initial motives and desires. Not knowing the possibility of making a irrational, impulsive decision one might regret in the near future. Suddenly, standing in the mud under the dark clouds was no longer worthy. That bright sun with green grass was a better instant choice. It's there, why be caught in a rut?

But good things come to those who wait.

Is it worthwhile?

"But if I move my place in line, I'll lose. And I have waited. The anticipation has got me glued".

Racun

Elak,

teriak suara kepala.

Akan bencana

jiwa dan raga,

tafsirnya.

Binasa.

Elak.

Si persis menanti.

Akan lapuk dek masa,

si pengabur kebenaran.

Bersihkan kekeruhan,

cari kelapangan.

Berikan kekuatan,

kesabaran,

kesucian

dalam kegilaan.

Pohon untuk

diluaskan hati,

ibarat bidang lautan.

Biar kuman

di seberang

jauh dari penglihatan.

Selamat menyambut Ramadhan wahai pembaca sekalian. Nikmati kenikmatan yang baik-baik belaka. Perbaiki diri.

Get out of that rut you are in!

Restore your Faith in the good earth. Love and let go. Life's dynamic.

The Many

And then,

they made me forget
about what I've forgotten before.

Made me them,
disorientated.

Back to Basics

This was supposed to be an overdue post on Gaza, but let's just see how things unfold with a little personal twist to it.

When the flotilla was inhumanely attacked by the Zionist, the world reacted. What more with the whole manipulative 'truth' conveyed to the public by the Zionist media figures, leaving the entire world more outraged! Their sensory clearly saw the masked armies throwing activists down the ship, but the Zionist tells a different tale and 'truth'.

What is more tragic is that Gaza is being tightly controlled and monitored by the Israelis. I can't even begin to imagine the well-being and state of the people in their Gaza. How deprived are they there? Are they being denied by basic survival needs - food, water, shelter? Let alone education, mental states, security etc.

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs

And then imagine all the people who are being denied of their deserved basic shelters. Those living in war zones, poverty or simply the tiny local babies who are being thrown out by their own parents. What poor beings. When the rest of the world are busily polishing their mental states and plotting for better personal growth, this portion of deprived individuals are being denied of their basic needs and security.

We must not only be the champion sperm, but we are the luckier pot to be able to assess the internet.

But even being in this 'luckier' pot, we could be snatched away from our own security or our own homes. And you know what they say, home is where the heart is.

If the Israelis and the Flotilla are being represented by individuals and on a daily context, it would be like this:

In a rowdy argument and rather confusing dispute on which Truth to be made dominant, both Mr. Flotilla and Mr. Israel decided to straighten things out. At this point, both their heads are made blur of the lines drawn between right, wrong, this and that. You know, the familiar state where we simply do not know what and which to believe in. That once clearly defined line got blurry. And they no longer feel safe as they loose their self-control. So, they got lost in their heads.

So they argued over the different Truths for the sake of being right. Both wanted to convince another about their Truths. But you and I both know (at this current state) in our rational and clear minds and states, that there's no objective Truth, only pragmatic Truth. Absolute Truth is beyond our reach as that's the Al-Mighty's. So the two ran in circles chasing Truth, like dogs chasing for a bone being tied from their backs. Get the picture?

Being humans as they are, Mr. Flotilla and Mr. Israel could not take the dispute any longer as none of them are willing to say their peace and allow another to have the 'authority' and control over the situation. So they decided to deprive another of their own basic security. They got physical.

Who won? Neither. Because Truths simply differ even by the tiniest bit. So what did they do at the end of the day? They tolerate their differences, and live.

Ah, maybe then Tolerance should be it. I mean, the world got over the holocaust that happened 60 odd years ago. But the remainders remain as friendly reminders.

But we never learn, don't we?

Within

I always have the sense that the words are coming out of my body, not just my mind. (…) There’s something about the rhythms of language that correspond to the rhythms of our own bodies. An attentive reader is finding meanings in the book that can’t be articulated, finding them in his or her body. I think this is what so many people don’t understand about fiction. Poetry is supposed to be musical. But people don’t understand prose. They’re so used to reading journalism - clunky, functional sentences that convey factual information. Facts… just the surfaces of things.

Paul Auster, interviewed by Jonathan Lethem (the Believer Book of Writers talking to Writers)

Night Time

It's the night time.

But no. I don't need to meet you somewhere. I always have your company, not in body.

You're me, and I'm undefined. I don't know you, and since you're me, it also means that I do not know myself. Hence, undefined. Empty, yet complete.

I can have plenty dreams of us going for long drives, taking turns controlling the wheel. But that remains just.

You're like the tree, flourished but rootless.