Goodbye, Ms Nadrah!

Last day of work last Friday and the kids gave me this.

I'm gonna miss the kids driving the adults crazy.

Deliberate harm to the soul.

Like pouring emptiness into a cup once filled with tranquility.

Ghuraba (Strangers).

If every creation has its creator,

every writing its author,

every plan its plotter,

every design its designer,

- then what about you,

my young traveller?

I found love.

You were a never-ending search,
with no answers.

But -

Love is a binding Soul,
that brings you forth
to the One Truth.

You were Darkness.

I was a blinded Soul.

But -

Love is not a search,
it is a lost moment found,
like Light on a dark winter's night.

Transendental

Celikkan matamu,
sayang.

Ingatkah dikau?

Sejurus sang Suria
bertemu sang Bulan -

Ketika kepenatan
menguasai Siang,

Ketika dunia
beransur pulang,

Ketika Malam
megundang sayang.

Ingatkah dikau?

Sejenak Siang
memeluk Malam -

Ketika kesepian
menemani jiwa,

Ketika dunia
lelah berlumba,

Ketika kau dan aku
berkongsi cinta?

Hari Hujan.

Denial tentang kebosanan. Ego, kau tau?

Nak cakap bosan, tapi tak nak dan tak boleh nak cakap bosan. Kerana kebosanan itu adalah suatu keadaan untuk seorang yang tidak kreatif. Dan sebagai seorang yang kononnya sudah (penat) belajar tentang kreativiti dari segi psikoanalitik dan perkembangan kanak-kanak (dan manusia); seharusnya lebih bijak menangani dengan keadaan sebegini.

Sewaktu di bangku sekolah dahulu, aku sering merungut kebosanan. Dan aku juga sering kunci diri dalam bilik melayan kepala sendiri. Sekarang pun lebih sama, cuma bezanya, dulu lebih impulsif dengan buah pemikiran. Sekarang ni, buah pemikiran di atas buah pemikiran yang lain. Dua aras pemikiran yang berbeza. Mungkin juga lebih. Macam Inception.

Sekarang juga berbeza, sebab dah (kononnya) anak dara (tapi otak macam budak kecik lagi) - patut tolong di sekitar rumah.

Aku lebih rela berjelaga dengan teori-teori untuk penulisan akademik lah macam ni.

Mungkin patut habiskan buku-buku yang sudah bermastautin lama di rak-rak aku tu. (Dan serbu jualan murah Serigala di Serdang).

Dah, penat mengomel. Rajin kau melayan eh?

Pesta buku bulan lepas di Whistable Castle, Whistable, Kent.

After existence,

Pernahkah kau tanyakan kepada diri sendiri; ke manakah perginya semua benda sejurus kewujudannya pada saat ini?

Mungkin pada pandangan pertama, mudah saja untuk kita pertikaikan. Semenjak aku kecil lagi, aku punyai suatu masalah ketika aku mengemas bilik aku - di manakah harus aku letakkan barang-barang yang sudah tidak berfungsi dengan dominannya pada tika itu? Selalunya, aku akan kumpulkan barang-barang tersebut dan letakkan di dalam bilik adik aku. Irresponsible, I know. Keluar mulut naga, masuk mulut buaya; bak kata Mama. Ya, pada suatu masa dahulu, ia mungkin telah berjasa kepada peruntukan diri aku dengan membantu untuk membentuk persepsi dan nilai kepercayaan aku. Habis madu, sepah dibuang. Tidak dan ya!

Like all things in life, things will get old. Bukan kerana kita tidak mengenang jasa, tetapi secara umumnya, fungsi utama material tersebut akan menurun. Di manakah tempatnya kewujudan sesuatu setelah nilai kewujudannya itu tidak lagi pada nilai optimum? I.e. buku sekolah, cadar lama.

Cuba kau fikirkan. Mungkin senang untuk dikatakan; dermakan sahaja kepada yang lebih memerlukan. Mungkin kepada insan yang akan lebih menghargai daripada kita yang tidak mengenal untung.

Tidak. Bukan semudah itu.

Walau dalam bentuk pakaian pun, jika kau dermakan kepada rumah-rumah kebajikan, atau dihulurkan kepada adik-adik; tetapi apakah yang akan menentukan akhirnya riwayat pakaian tersebut? Walau dalam keadaan koyak-rabak pun, masih boleh dijadikan kain lap. Selepas itu, apa? Buang ke dalam tong sampah, dan akan ditempatkan di pergunungan sampah bersama yang lain?

That's the problem right there. Walau dibuang sekalipun, tak bermakna hilang dari kewujudan. Seperti hukum tenaga yang kita pelajari sewaktu di bangku sekolah; tenaga tidak boleh dicipta atau dimansuhkan, sebaliknya bertukar dari satu bentuk lain ke bentuk yang lain.

You can delete someone off your Facebook or phonebook or you Life's book, but yet they still exist in the communal world.

Dan mungkin dengan sekali imbas, kita akan fikirkan ianya hanya tertakluk kepada entiti yang berjasad dan fizikal. Bagaimana pula dengan yang bersifat metafizikal? Atau yang tidak mempunyai jasad tetapi kita tahu dan pasti akan kewujudannya, like Faith and Love?

Ada apa dengan kewujudan kita sendiri yang merangkumi aspek fizikal dan metafizikal?

Sejurus dengan Masa, keadaan fizikal kita juga akan merosot. Mungkin secara umumnya anggota badan kita tidak akan dibuang, tetapi lama kelamaan, kewujudan fizikal kita akan lesap apabila ajal kita sampai. Death is extremely ordinary.

But what comes after?

Kau

Kau
sebuah puisi
yang aku karyakan
seusia dulu.

Di kala jiwa
aku buta.

Seketika aku
alpa
dengan duniya.

Kau
buah pemikiran
aku yang
terbenam
di pelusuk
minda,

di ruang dan
masa
metafizika.

Sejenak kegelapan.

Kabut

Aku rasa, aku tahu apa masalah aku. Mungkin. Aku sendiri juga tidak pasti, tetapi aku boleh cuba kongsikan bersama kau tentang pertikaian dan debat yang sedang berlaku di dalam kepala aku.

Dia tanya apa yang sedang berlegar di dalam ruang minda aku. Aku katakan, aku okay, cuma debat yang biasa sahaja. Sebenarnya, aku sendiri tak tau nak jawab apa. Aku sendiri pun tak tahu jika ini perkara biasa atau tidak.

Jujur, aku penat sehingga kerja aku terbantut. Mungkin juga dengan sengaja. Siapa yang tahu? Kebenaran Mutlak, bukan milik kita. Kita bukan berada di dunia di mana objektiviti mutlak milik kita. Atau Kebenaran pragmatik serta subjektiviti. Menerusi subjektiviti, kita cuba mencari objektiviti. Tapi kalau kedua-dua ni dah bidang meluas seperti 7 lautan bercantum, apa benda lagi yang masuk akal?

Ke aku yang tak masuk akal?

Mungkin masalah aku adalah, kehidupan aku kini seperti tiada struktur. Atau ketidakmampuan aku untuk berfungsi secara autonomi. Sudah kebiasaan dengan adanya struktur. Kini, terlalu banyak ruang dan masa sehingga aku sudah menjelajah dunia berapa juta kali dalam kepala. Hakikatnya, di dunia komunal aku tidak bergerak walau satu inci pun.

Kalau dahulu, mungkin aku akan salahkan kekosongan. Kini, ruang kekosongan sudah dipenuhi. Kebenaran sudah cuba aku dekati.

Persoalannya sekarang ni, nak salahkan apa?

Fine. Maybe truth is, I'm ambivalent towards Freud's Ego. Siapa nak habiskan esei aku ni oi?

Summer '69, not.

Das Ich.

Essay writing.

And my little orange Recesky courtesy of cinta hati, all the way from home.

Hee, I love!

Cinta Hati.

I wouldn't want to do it any other way.

Tapi rindu.

Psyched, not baked.

Psyched and Baked or,

Baked and Psyched?

“They had forgotten the pudding they were cooking and it was getting burnt.” Freud, Studies on Hysteria.

Rupanya hujan di siang hari,

Gerimis
di tengah Solstis,

ke mana perginya
sang Suria
pada siang hari?

Mungkin
di sebalik
kepulan awan
yang gelap.

Mengintai.

Seolah diujinya kita
dengan kesejukan.

Angin luar
seperti
mengundang bencana.

Berjelaga
dalam ketenangan.

Mungkin
tercicir ingatan ku.

Mungkin
gundah
gerak-geri ku.

Bilakah akan
pulih ingatan ku?

Dari manakah
akan datangnya
ketenangan ku?

Duhai Bulan;

Duhai Bulan.

Walau kau menjelma
hanya
separuh;

Ingatan aku
masih ketara
di kala kau
menjelma
- Menyeluruh.

Seperti mereka
yang
sudah
ketemui
yang di cari -
Jiwa.

Subuh ini;
kau
seakan aku
seusia dahulu.

Kelengkapan
yang
hanya ilusi.

Ilusi dan
Realiti
Bulan purnama
- indahnya duniya ;
terangnya Jiwa!

Seakan aku
pada tika ini.

Truth Is Stranger Than Fiction

Reverse Psychology. The thing with this is that when you reverse this, and you reverse it again, and reverse it again, and again, and again, it gets really complicated. And when you really get into your head, and once you've passed that certain point inside it, you can't turn back. That's what happened to me

- A patient in the psychiatric ward I volunteer in.

Despite it being one of the classic philosophical questions, it remains in the grey area without any clear distinction between the black and the white. And the very problem with Truth is that, it is pragmatic.

Truth and Reality differs accordingly across individuals. What may be true for you, may not be true for me. But that's just the problem right there.

How true is Truth?

You see, I am constructed towards subjectivity and pragmatism leaving little space for objectivity and the sort. I like to think I'm Cartesian in some ways. I am also, a highly intuitive being which means most of the time, decision-makings are rarely based on facts. Because facts can be manipulated.

I was also a science student who scored fairly decent grades for my science papers, and what I've learned is that variables too can be manipulated. So despite the knowledge that Life is full of variables which requires us to accomodate, to a certain extent, variables are manipulated by an outer force. Why? To attain that certain outcome that has been longed for.

These thoughts started to reconstruct themselves (since I last studied on Truth and Reality few years back) when I was writing this particular essay few odd weeks ago which centralises the notion of intersubjectivity and mutual ground.

What happens when 2 constructions of (true) reality do not fit and accommodate one another?

I was at one of the wards in the local psychiatric hospital for my volunteering. What we are supposed to do is converse with the patients which would be a really good practice with what I'm learning. But that apart;

I was conversing with one of the patients who conveyed to me clearly her distinction of Truth and Reality. I supposed, it gave a sense of confidence of what she was telling since she has been 'clinically diagnosed'. It is then manageable to distinguish between the Reality shared by most individuals (including myself) and an individual who has been 'clinically diagnosed' with delusions (or perhaps 'psychoses'). Hence, some sort of a black and white realm on its own.

But what has been racing back and forth at the back of my mind is the grey area of pragmatic Truth and Reality. The kind where you know in reality, the person is not 'clinically diagnosed' of any psychopathology, but the 'Truth' spoken by the person is highly unlikely. It may be logical, but due to circumstances, you just know it is unlikely. After all, the highly intelligent individuals are the sort - refer to Silence of the Lamb. It is the state of being in between two polarisations that swallow us all.

What is worse in these conditions is that when you start doubting your Self, Truth and Reality that it may destroy your internalisations as you can only take as much. I mean sure you may say it's all about your self-esteem, confidence and the sort. But if you believe in pragmatism and subjectivity as much as I do, the lines get blurry.

But I guess that's where Faith comes in.

(Untitled)

That shit did not last.

So just fucking move on!

Dude, kalau kau sibuk dengar your phony playlist and don't listen to Nicestupidplayground, it's a fucking shame. This is Malaysia's 90s.

I'm better when I don't think, seems to get me through.

(Above the latest version, and below the one before).

Hello. Since 2010 seems like the year where there all the new albums are coming up, including I Am Kloot amongst others such as Manic Street Preachers, Gorillaz and Interpol.

I absolutely love this video by I Am Kloot because it is very minimal yet heavy and rich with emotion. I suppose they re-made the video. Enjoy!

Oh btw, one of the reasons Freud is one of the geniuses is because he tells of defense mechanism. Regression for example, where one retreats or regresses to a phase of life where life was more pleasant and free from frustration and anxiety. Also, the state of denial. I mean, come on, get a fucking grip. Pun fucking intended.

"I'm gonna start a revolution from my bed," sings Liam.

I was asked at dinner the night before on what my aspirations were to get myself at this particular point of my life. If you ask me, it was a pretty heavy topic to discuss over tea with 5 friends after a long day. A heavy topic in which I wouldn't lay down every details of it. It was the choice between a generalise answer or vice versa. But I figured this wasn't a therapy session but a conversation 'normal' people had.

Honestly, I was digging my own mind to answer. I don't know why, but every other time one asks me why this and not anything else, I go blank. Kind of like doing an assessment. A bit of a Hawthorne effect. It's not that I am not in touch with my sense of aspiration. I suppose it is difficult to paint a picture for another without missing every details of the context without misleading them into a different interpretation. Well, nobody said it was easy.

So I subtly dodged the question by tempting them into how one's being could meet life's abnormalities like Schizophrenia or Bipolar Disorder. I cheated.

Today in class, we talked about Aspirations. The kind of why we individuals wanted to be where we were sitting right that particular moment. There wasn't a "one size fits all" situation, but there were similarities. The kind of innate motivation that brought us there on that particular day.

Wasn't it Rumi who said, "The lamps are different, but the light is the same"? It's exactly that. Notice "the Light", and if you like, al-Noor, surah 24 in the Holy Quran.

I could not help but laughed in appreciation. It is indeed perfect how the cosmos work. We had similar drives, the urge of wanting to shine light to our Selves as well as to other people and their Selves. Searching a sense of Self and meaning. Facilitating one's personal growth and development. We were somewhat damaged at some points of our lives. We were going to discover the undiscovered depths on one's psyche. Brought by our own self-awareness, we want to experience somesort of therapy.

We want to get a grasp of Life.

I am content, Alhamdulillah.

(I've got to come up with better titles).

Depart(mental)

I went for a medical check up and a vaccine shot. Upon examining my physique, the lady doctor questions on my family medical history followed by, "Do you have any problems?"

I dislike general questions so I asked her politely, "What kind?"

"Any kind," she answered.

I told her, "Physically, no problems" and I laughed.

"You have mental problems?" she asked.

"Plenty," I said.

After questioning my academic background she says, "Now I get what you mean.. Haha!".