Menyeluruh

Apa entah sebenarnya yang kita semua kehendaki dalam kehidupan ni? Tentu kamu para pembaca bisa saja meyenaraikannya dengan panjang. Kereta mewah, rumah mewah bersertakan dekorasi moden, karier, cinta hati dan sebagainya. Kononnya itulah komponen kehidupan yang utama. Yang akan merangkumi kehidupan kita. Yang kononnya, akan menyeluruhi kita.

Persoalannya, sejauh manakah kebenarannya itu?

Hasrat aku untuk menulis semakin membuak sepanjang bulan Jun, tetapi kemahuan aku hanyut mengikut arus kehidupan. Melupakan penulisan bukan lah suatu perbuatan membuang masa, malah pemangkin kehidupan. Dengan menulis, seseorang dapat mencungkil buah pemikirannya serta membina integrasi dunia luaran dan dalaman. Tetapi tidak, aku alpa dengan kehidupan dan kerenahnya.

Dengan tidak sedar, yang masih difikirkan kenyataanya sudah jauh ketinggalan mengikut peredaran Masa. Tetapi kepala aku degil, sering mahu lawan arus. Percubaan aku untuk mencernakan babak-babak kehidupan sepanjang tahun masih lagi berlanjutan. Tiada penghujungnya. Masih terkapai-kapai memberi pengertian kepada setiap satu. Masih bergerak ke hadapan, tetapi masih juga lagi berundur sekali-kala. Rasanya seperti Masa iri hati akan kita. Al-Asr.

Umpamanya seperti memandu kereta dengan laju di lebuhraya dalam perjalanan jarak jauh seakan berlumba dengan Masa. Atau pemikiran kita sendiri.

Kenyataanya, ke mana hendak kita lari? Ianya masih di situ. Walaupun kamu lari ke penghujung dunia sekali pun, ia masih di situ. Semuannya di dalam kepala kamu sahaja.

Aku duduk terpaku di sebelah tubuh beliau. Hatiku gundah. Otakku memikirkan akan kehidupan, kuasa Mutlak, dan Masa. Aku runsing melihat individu-individu di sekeliling yang mungkin seperti diri aku sendiri. Fikiranku melayang ke alam rohani. Segala persoalan muncul.

Tetapi mungkin perbuatan aku itu semua sama ada interpersonally, atau intrapersonally, tidak rasional mengikut aspek metafizik dan rohani. Kun fayakun. Jadi, maka jadilah. Mungkin beliau sudah pun menyeluruhi kehidupannya dari segala aspek.

Kemudian segala pemikiran aku yang pada asalnya ditujukan kepada beliau berpaling kepada kita.

Adakah yang dicari oleh kita semua akan menjamin proses penyeluruhan kehidupan kita? Adakah pencarian kita akan membawa kita ke arah Fully-Functioning Self Rogers dan Self-Actualization Maslow? Berbaloikah kehidupan kita yang bertahun-tahun lamanya? Atau mungkin kita akan menjalani kehidupan personal-growth yang mendatar? Tiada perubahan. Tiada kemajuan Diri. Alangkah pilunya jika begitu?

Segala bab-bab yang dipelajari dari Developmental Psychology: the Journey of Adulthood pada semester terakhir aku dimuntahkan semula bulat-bulat. Social Roles and Relationship, Work and Retirement, The Quest for Meaning, Death and Bereavement, The Successful Journey.

Aku sering memikirkan fasa kehidupan individu-individu di sekeliling aku. Lagi-lagi beliau yang terbaring di hadapan aku.

Aku akui aku masih mentah untuk memberi pandangan menyeluruh tentang kehidupan. Apa yang dipelajari adalah teori semata-mata. Masih suku perjalanan kehidupan aku, sudah pun mengeluh berpanjangan. Masih lagi mencari penetapan, kebebasan and diri.

Mungkin segala kejadian yang berintikan plot Kematian adalah peringatan halus untuk kita semua. Masih ada Ruang dan Masa untuk kita membentuk Diri, menyuntikan pengertian serta mengecapi awangan sambil berpijak di bumi yang nyata.

Sound easy? Wait until you realise there's more to Life.

Al-Fatihah buat Tok Mak, Allahyarhamha Salbiah binti Abdul Rahim.

Romantisch I

The thing about humans is that we yearn. We yearn for that great Life component. But what differs individuals in this yearning or search, is the extreme passion seeking for that great Life component. Maybe the very entity and component itself.

When Romanticism bloomed in the late 18th century, young German scholars were driven over individualistic notion ever since the Renaissance. Kant was absorbed into their daily philosophies. Das Ding an sich. Or the Thing in itself. These fellow Romantics believed that the Ego, much like Freud's das Ich (the Ego) facilitate greatly in one's knowledge and cognition. They worshiped the Ego. They believed in the most romantic things like the Soul, yearning, imagination, feeling and experience. And believe me, they are beautiful, egocentric and romantic Souls!

But please do not confuse Romanticism with your modern chic literature rubbish.

So what these fellow Romantics (e.g. Beethoven, Goethe, Kant, Schiller, Byron, Coleridge) believed was that art has a deeper meaning to it. When one bridges the link between the external and internal worlds, a significant masterpiece of the internal world is being portrayed.

They were Souls who yearn for the most distant, abstract and metaphysical things. Not your usual face-value affections. They were in a search for something deeper than the seven seas. They believed in Perfection and completion. I dare to bet they'd take lines like Muse's Hysteria "Give me your Heart and your Soul" seriously.

Goethe, a romantic himself, introduced the concept of 'unrequited love' in his The Sorrows of Young Werther (1774).

So what happens when they do not achieve their perceived Perfection? Or when they do not attain their great Life component to Perfection and make them feel as a whole?

Integral.

You know what is wickedly right? The Clot (Read) or al-Alaq.

As you grow older, your perceptions grow with you. Of course, we develop at different rates. And may God bless the poor souls who aren't able to move beyond their egocentric nature. Or see the world and Life from a much beautiful view. The best part is, the beauty never stops!

Now now, individuals develop at different rates. Why of course, in accordance to one's lifestyle and exposure. Maybe even area of interest. But then again, that doesn't really matter because when you have that panoramic view, you'd know it really is about Integration. One interest correlates to another. As Gestalt says, the whole is greater than its parts.

My point is, before I write any ridiculous posts further, I'd have to double check my facts to avoid inaccuracy, plagiarism and the sort. Such action my friend, contradicts my old writing habit, and I'd like to view this as personal growth.

To our Life search!

Au Revoir!

Back when I was a kid, I would secretly question the absence of my classmates. Occasionally, they were probably out with their family for a very special outing. Sometimes, something unfortunate. I would secretly envy their joyride and worry of their welfare due to the unfortunate events. Whatever the reason of their absence was, I'm sure some sort of justice had taken place.

To a larger scale, the absence of things may seem somewhat disturbing. It is a familiar feeling/search that most of us can relate to. A feeling where despite we are occupied with things, we still feel empty.

The absence of our catalysts.

We tend to question the absence of these catalysts and lose ourselves within the process. It is quite the irony where we are relatively fighting for our personal Freedom, but yet we know nothing of the ‘absolute’ cause – to be Happy and Fulfilled perhaps. Sure it may lead to Freedom, but what exactly is the Freedom that we’re looking for? Or rather, at what point would the fight be suffice? Where exactly is that point of being, Happy and Fulfilled?

People of the earlier times fought for bigger causes that would directly associate to our well-being (for better or worse), today. The people, for their crumbling kerajaan back in the ancient Malacca days; the Malayan Union and that entire conundrum. Today, Diversity fighting for rights; Melayu, Cina, India ‘dan lain-lain’. It would never be adequate, this fight for Freedom. (We’re just lucky by the way, there weren’t any cow heads directly involved today – considering the whole Shah Alam incident. There was makan-makan involving meat, however).

Just like when I was a kid, I wonder still; not of the absentees in class, but the absence of the absentees in life.

Maybe that’s just our problem right there. We think too much, even with the already filtered inputs to our (dys)functional heads. We look at the polarized ends, we have forgotten about the entity that is holding and bridging the two ends together - our dear selves.

There are no absolute catalysts of our lives. We make them as our catalysts. We do justice to the absence.

It isn’t about the occasional special outing, the ticket to joy that I envied or the unfortunate events that worried me. It’s the inability to embrace the absence of things, like the joy ride I don’t occasionally get.

We looked too far towards the end; we forgot that our catalysts of life are within the absence. Sometimes, the catalyst is the absence itself. Both the joy ride, and the unfortunate events.

Maybe what we really seek for is a state where we are cognitively Free.

The year that was, (3)

Unintended, Muse

You could be my unintended

Choice to live my life extended
You could be the one I'll always love
You could be the one who listens to my deepest inquisitions
You could be the one I'll always love

Ill be there as soon as I can
But Im busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before

First there was the one who challenged
All my dreams and all my balance
She could never be as good as you

You could be my unintended
Choice to live my life extended
You should be the one I'll always love

I'll be there as soon as I can
But Im busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before

I'll be there as soon as I can
But Im busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before

Before you

2006. On text messaging - studying for Kimia:
A: Who are you?
B: Your deepest inquisition.
A: Muse?
B: Yeah.

I dare you to move now, deepest inquisition.

The year that was, (2)

Sebab Coldplay suka sangat pergi Singapore. Benci. Sebab lagu ni, sudah sangat berkurun - 9 tahun. Dan juga, sebab you and I are almost in our 20s. 

Yellow, Coldplay.

Look out the stars, look how they shine for you,
and everything you do. 
They were all yellow.

I came along, I wrote a song for you.
And all the things you do, and it was called yellow.

So then I took my turn, oh what a thing to have done 
And it was all yellow.

Your skin, oh, your skin and bones.
Turn into something beautiful.
You know, you know I love you so.
You know, I love you so.

I swam across. I jumped across for you.
Oh, what a thing to do. 
Cause you were all yellow.

I drew a line, I drew a line for you.
Oh, what a thing to do.
And it was all yellow.

Your skin, oh yeah your skin and bones.
Turn into something beautiful.
Do you know, for you I'd bleed myself dry.
For you, I bleed myself dry.

It's true. Look how they shine for you.
Look how they shine for you.

I have always said that people are persistent but never myself. I believe strongly in schematas, because they build these idealistic concepts be it on anything or anyone at all. Unlike most of my mental frames, this is one of those ancient schemas that have been persistent every now and then. And Yellow, might have been the starting point. 

E²=MC.

The thing about me and exams is that, we're never good buddies. No, really. Never. Exams, they chew my head off with their super extraordinary sharpen teeth. They too, argue a hell lot with my mind. It gets really annoying, and can eat me from the inside.

But then again, who are ever good buddies with Exams?

They say, keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer. So I did. Exams. Enemies. E² = MC. Mind corruption, bukan MC Hammer, Can't Touch This. Saya curi Einstein punya formula asal, E = mc². Sebab saya bercita-cita nak jadi genius macam dia.

Back when I was sitting for my public exam, SPM; I kept comparing my grades with the other Smart Asses in class. You see, 5B is full with the smarty pants. No, really. 14 A1s, 12 A1s, 11A1s, 9 A1s. And blog readers, you have seen my results kan? So yes. Pressure kot.

But that's not the point. Have you ever ask yourself what really differentiates the top, average and the not-so-outstanding students (in the context of grades)? 

Active and Passive learners. The whole associations between prior and new knowledge. The concept of schema etc.

Apart from that, it's just the bloody war inside your head and your mind. Self pre-occupying intrusive thinking. From the book, they say that one who has a stronger power motive has a higher tendency to experience self pre-occupying intrusive thinking; neuroticisim.

I just have one question: How on earth do you people keep your psychological equilibrium in tact before exam papers?

At the end of the day, psychological equilibrium is still the shiznit. It's the bloody core, yaw.

(Ipat kat hayap hal kan detarrevo nak eerged ygolohcysp ualak uak taub tsuj rof eht ekas fo ti)

The year that was,

Lagu-lagu, menjadi suatu bahan yang dapat meluahkan perasaan kita. Lirik-lirik lagu, menjadi suatu puisi seragam yang menyatukan semua insan yang melalui fasa yang seakan dengan kita. Namun, seperti medium yang lain di dalam kehidupan kita, lagu-lagu pupus dari ingatan kita setelah di ganti dengan yang baru. 

Tetapi, apabila kita terdengar kembali lagu-lagu zaman lalu, kita tersenyum sendirian. Kerana lagu-lagu ini, telah menjadi teman baik kita, seusia yang lalu.

Crumbs, Disagree

Big World, says he wants to
see the light for once.
Well, maybe if you try.

It's so sad, babe don't look so sad.
I've got it wrong today.

And if she doesn't go your way,
look up to blue skies and say,
"Hey, it's okay".

I've been wrong today,
I've been wrong always.
I've been wrong so,
won't you come my way?
I was wrong today.

Ketika lagu ini sakan diudarakan di radio, diputarkan saban hari, aku hampir menduduki PMR. Cuba memahami apa ertinya apabila seseorang itu dimanipulasikan. Sibuk membeli album Disagree, At The End of The Day. Dan diberitahu bahawa Crumbs, kedengaran lebih baik di dalam Homemade Jam.

3-4 tahun yang lampau,

Dengan semangat nak menunjuk kepada adik prestasi di sekolah aku back when I was his age (14), aku cari balik kad laporan di rak-rak buku.

Aku belek-belek mukasurat, mencari Tingkatan 2A. Saja nak menunjuk kat dia, matematik aku terer dulu. Tapi Agama, Geografi dan Bahasa Malaysia - dia menang ah.

Lepas moment kebangaan aku, aku dah malas. Kembali ke gua menelaah. Tetapi, dia muncul kembali dengan Buku Laporan berwarna biru di tangannya.

Dia telah advance ke 2005. I'm dead.

"Ujian Bulanan Ogos 2005" (Tingkatan 4B)

BM 8E, BI 3B, Pendidikan Islam 9G, Sejarah 4B, Matematik 3B, Matematik Tambahan 9G, Fizik 9G, Kimia 9G, Biologi 9G.

Wtf, trust me, I have never gotten so many Fails (and red pen) in my life. SPM okay je. Tapi I am not your 12 A1s' girl lah. 

RINDU SEKOLAH. I'm in my third year degree life, I still feel like a kid.

1995.

Orang selalu minta dipanjangkan umur. Tapi, kalau umur sudah dilanjutkan, the life within isn't all that bright, macam mana?

It has been 14 years. And at times like these, I'm not a soldier.