But, wait!

At any rate, waiting becomes a plot in our lives. We differ, of course. But the foundation is the same, we wait.

Waiting could be one of the toughest tasks in life. Due to the dynamic life uncertainties, we aren't able to estimate the time of arrival. So we are left on our feet and solid grounds to wait. And that depends on our might and will.

At times, when the rain pours and wet the soil of our grounds, we grow tired of the mud puddles. Get our feet dirty as we stand still under the rain. The wet soil gets all over our clean feet.

With our dirty feet and disturbed state, we start to question our initial motives and desires. Not knowing the possibility of making a irrational, impulsive decision one might regret in the near future. Suddenly, standing in the mud under the dark clouds was no longer worthy. That bright sun with green grass was a better instant choice. It's there, why be caught in a rut?

But good things come to those who wait.

Is it worthwhile?

"But if I move my place in line, I'll lose. And I have waited. The anticipation has got me glued".

A Redundant: Sound of Settling

I know it is quite a comedy if I were to echo Ben Gibbard, "If you have an impulse, let it out". I mean, after all the preaching - where you're not supposed to be impulsive, you have to digest and analyze entities, before you do anything stupid. Act maturely, and all that conundrum.

Discussions of educational institutions took place. These healthy conversations reminded me of my personal mental connotations on 'Educational Institutions'.

Sure, we take things for granted from where we are now. Teenagers grow into young adults, and pursue their tertiary studies. The norm (at least for most of us), attend classes, participate (in frequent remorse manner) in activities and such. Then we jump back into our lives - whatever your definitions of 'living' might be. To many, academic life may be a supplementary definition to life, to some it may be a complementary entity, and to few it is life.

For some awkward reason, I have always felt that at this particular phase of life, we are to develop and generate. Well, in the sense where participating in reformations and revolutions is part of the norm. Being a radical sort of gesture. But of course, that's not entirely it.

I mean, what is the definition of "being radical" (in Malaysia) anyway? We are the society of polarized and unsymmetrical diversified views.

So what, embrace relativism and subjectivity? Then, we would've given birth to moral anarchists.

The thing is, my implication about the roles of a Tertiary Education Institution contradicts the ideology of Primary and Secondary schools where ideally, students are to be manufactured products of orderliness.

Think uh schools that constantly mandate students on obedience - physically (e.g. uniforms, hair, sleeves, socks, etc.) and behaviorally. The very idea to instill somewhat 'extreme' orderliness to these students sickens me. I mean, uh, whatever happened to individual's autonomy?

Educational Fascists? How can fascism imposed to kids be educational? I mean, how can not exercising one's beautifully diversified nature be educational? How on earth, is perfect order embracing life?

Maybe, they are "just" associates to Mussolini or something.

But I suppose, the idea of this fascism has not done much to us kids. We are living our diversified lives accordingly, anyway. And that dear reader, is another (problematic) issue.

Ke arah authoritarian salah, ke arah Utopia salah. Macam mana!

Written on September 14, 2009 by yours truly on Facebook Notes.

Menyeluruh

Apa entah sebenarnya yang kita semua kehendaki dalam kehidupan ni? Tentu kamu para pembaca bisa saja meyenaraikannya dengan panjang. Kereta mewah, rumah mewah bersertakan dekorasi moden, karier, cinta hati dan sebagainya. Kononnya itulah komponen kehidupan yang utama. Yang akan merangkumi kehidupan kita. Yang kononnya, akan menyeluruhi kita.

Persoalannya, sejauh manakah kebenarannya itu?

Hasrat aku untuk menulis semakin membuak sepanjang bulan Jun, tetapi kemahuan aku hanyut mengikut arus kehidupan. Melupakan penulisan bukan lah suatu perbuatan membuang masa, malah pemangkin kehidupan. Dengan menulis, seseorang dapat mencungkil buah pemikirannya serta membina integrasi dunia luaran dan dalaman. Tetapi tidak, aku alpa dengan kehidupan dan kerenahnya.

Dengan tidak sedar, yang masih difikirkan kenyataanya sudah jauh ketinggalan mengikut peredaran Masa. Tetapi kepala aku degil, sering mahu lawan arus. Percubaan aku untuk mencernakan babak-babak kehidupan sepanjang tahun masih lagi berlanjutan. Tiada penghujungnya. Masih terkapai-kapai memberi pengertian kepada setiap satu. Masih bergerak ke hadapan, tetapi masih juga lagi berundur sekali-kala. Rasanya seperti Masa iri hati akan kita. Al-Asr.

Umpamanya seperti memandu kereta dengan laju di lebuhraya dalam perjalanan jarak jauh seakan berlumba dengan Masa. Atau pemikiran kita sendiri.

Kenyataanya, ke mana hendak kita lari? Ianya masih di situ. Walaupun kamu lari ke penghujung dunia sekali pun, ia masih di situ. Semuannya di dalam kepala kamu sahaja.

Aku duduk terpaku di sebelah tubuh beliau. Hatiku gundah. Otakku memikirkan akan kehidupan, kuasa Mutlak, dan Masa. Aku runsing melihat individu-individu di sekeliling yang mungkin seperti diri aku sendiri. Fikiranku melayang ke alam rohani. Segala persoalan muncul.

Tetapi mungkin perbuatan aku itu semua sama ada interpersonally, atau intrapersonally, tidak rasional mengikut aspek metafizik dan rohani. Kun fayakun. Jadi, maka jadilah. Mungkin beliau sudah pun menyeluruhi kehidupannya dari segala aspek.

Kemudian segala pemikiran aku yang pada asalnya ditujukan kepada beliau berpaling kepada kita.

Adakah yang dicari oleh kita semua akan menjamin proses penyeluruhan kehidupan kita? Adakah pencarian kita akan membawa kita ke arah Fully-Functioning Self Rogers dan Self-Actualization Maslow? Berbaloikah kehidupan kita yang bertahun-tahun lamanya? Atau mungkin kita akan menjalani kehidupan personal-growth yang mendatar? Tiada perubahan. Tiada kemajuan Diri. Alangkah pilunya jika begitu?

Segala bab-bab yang dipelajari dari Developmental Psychology: the Journey of Adulthood pada semester terakhir aku dimuntahkan semula bulat-bulat. Social Roles and Relationship, Work and Retirement, The Quest for Meaning, Death and Bereavement, The Successful Journey.

Aku sering memikirkan fasa kehidupan individu-individu di sekeliling aku. Lagi-lagi beliau yang terbaring di hadapan aku.

Aku akui aku masih mentah untuk memberi pandangan menyeluruh tentang kehidupan. Apa yang dipelajari adalah teori semata-mata. Masih suku perjalanan kehidupan aku, sudah pun mengeluh berpanjangan. Masih lagi mencari penetapan, kebebasan and diri.

Mungkin segala kejadian yang berintikan plot Kematian adalah peringatan halus untuk kita semua. Masih ada Ruang dan Masa untuk kita membentuk Diri, menyuntikan pengertian serta mengecapi awangan sambil berpijak di bumi yang nyata.

Sound easy? Wait until you realise there's more to Life.

Al-Fatihah buat Tok Mak, Allahyarhamha Salbiah binti Abdul Rahim.

Duality oleh Nadrah Mustafa

Aku seperti engkau -
Individu di dunia/budaya Kolektif.
Kita berbeza, tapi kita serupa.
Yang mana dominasi, manipulatif,
pembolehubah, pemangkin?

Aku punyai bernih yang gemar timbul/tenggelam -
Entiti kontra.
Bukan datangkan hasil,
Malah dimamahnya aku.
Simbiotik.

Aku perlukan ilmu Inspirasi bertubi-tubi oleh
para Rasional, Penjaga, Artisan dan Idealis.
Barisan Individu Intelek yang menjana konsep Kolektif
(keduniaan, kehidupan, kesatuan?)

Aku kehilangan Diri.
Inspirasi bisa meyakinkan "the Self",
atau mungkin "the sense of Self".
Seperti Pemangkin.
Tapi tidak hadir.

Aku seperti Kita zaman dahulu kala,
Di pertengahan lautan, (swallowed in the sea)
mudah di antara perantaraan. Kegemilangan?
Tapi semuanya dengan bayaran lumayan/konsekuensi:
jurang perbedaan dan kesatuan meningkat.
Walau bersatu (merdeka?), tetapi masih terperangkap
dalam keinginan.

Lopong, tapi berinti.

Selami perigi Minda yang tidak berdasar.

Kerana seperti aku,
kau juga hanyut dalam proses
asimilasi ideologi kehidupan Dunia
dan ideologi Diri.

Maybe novelties.

Maybe, this is what it is about you know? Questioning the ideals, the beyond reach. The things that are so high up, so clear, so wide. Maybe even sacred.

But with one condition, we need to try to keep our feet on the ground while trying to reach the distant ideals. Of course, some cheat by building sky scrappers and some send men in white suits to explore the ideals. But many of us, we are just common people. Not much of power, not much of overloaded bank accounts.

So how do we really reach the ideals from these grounds?

I am just dried out of the right words. Maybe because I deliberately inhibted the connotations of my words.

'Someday,'

Plans. We all make them. Major or minor, we all make them. It could be just a small arrangment to meet up over supper, or it could be a major one regarding our dreams. That investment you plan to grow whilst you live up for a couple of years.

The thing about plan is that it helps us go through unfamiliar grounds. Foreign emotions, alien environments, strange situations. We think plans would help us go through those, or at least ease the burden. Inconsistencies aren't exactly our expertise in our lives, because we adapt to the consistencies of our lives. Really, even the Circadian Cycle has the whole 24-hour and 25-hour concept.

A slight change can disrupt our physiological and psychological equilibrium.

Sure we can be ready to face them in the future. I mean, we have the help of our darling wiser and aged generations namely our family, closed acquaintances and such. They could facilitate by their tales. But really, they are mere stories. Much like what we watch on the telly or read in books.

We could have our lives plan out. We could have the whole financial scheme, and the hope that life will be much ease. We could sign up for family planning, telling you the appropriate time to have kids and what not. We could have the rough draft of where to work, where to pursue your Masters.

But would all these things immune the self from the alien routines, and emotions? From the much bigger things to come in the future. That giant leap(s) of faith.

What if, things that were not part of the plan occur?

You could have been in the Dean's List your entire tertiary study life, but still be unemployed. You could have graduated a Summa for all I care, but you don't have the ability to be an outstanding employee.

You could expect a miniature you a little too early.

And you think to yourself, this was not part of the plan. What do I do next? Do I bend and break? Sink or swim? Adapt or flow?

Your frames of references, they'd grow weirder too. Adapting baby aliens into your life. Soon, you might speak in some weird ass alien language. Illuminating some weird lime green light from your eyes. Hence, changes the way how you perceive the world.

Or the people you stumbled once upon ancient time ago, they'd be humans. And you, an alien.

Good, because you see world in a different manner. Not conforming nor complying. You stand true to your grounds. After all, aliens have this so called 'advanced' technology than we humans. Lightyears ahead. Bad, if it does not make sense or worse, if aliens are just fictional.



Saya takut lah. Sangat unpredictable hidup kita ni. Tak boleh navigate entirely.

But if you have your iPod on shuffle, that's a different story.