Weekends on weekdays.

Leaving, be good kids.

Masuk, keluar. Input, output. Minda. Mind.

Have you ever wondered what reviews do to yourself other than telling/educating/informing you on a certain something?

If you ask me, the one doing the review should not on any basis be bias, not reviewing based on personal tastes, factors, drives and everything that ignites and affects one's affections. In other words, be on the fence. I know it is utterly impossible to be absolutely in between, but at least there's and initiative to do so.

Reviews could be so personally biased and one-sided. But yet, people put trust on reviews - like books, food, movies, plays, music and such on the formal side. Informally however, is by the word of mouth.

First and foremost, reviews put a certain template in your mind, on your perceptions towards things. Its like saying A should have three lines in it, you see, one slanting to the left, the other to the right, and the third line in between the legs. Its like, molding your mind into "trying" to believe something. It has already created a certain early impression on what you're supposed to expect from it, and at the end of the day, the judgment is all yours.

Mostly would agree to the reviews. Conforming to the majority voice. If you're from a collectivist country, it's nature that you're afraid to disagree, it's written in your traits, or rather, norms.

If you're a Malaysian that is caught between America's individualists notion and China's collectivist idea, then, you are simply caught in between, you have to think and re-think and re-think. You'd say the society would want you to follow the norm, take Yasmin Ahmad's movies. Some are just afraid to voice out, because it goes against the bloody norm. Like that Imam touching that dog in Gubra. Some just think its ridiculous because its the norm.

The other side to it is that they stand out from the crowd. They hold on to their beliefs and fight with and for it. After all, fighting for your self is the most noble thing in the individualism beliefs.

But some would just think its selfish.

Anyway, the idea is that are these reviews really worth believing and on any basis do they actually serve well to one's mind?

Like I said, it creates a certain template, a certain blueprint onto making you believe what has been written in the review. But of course, it all falls back to yourself - to conform or not. Its all based on your judgments.

Because reviews could be so bias as I mentioned earlier, the writer could be reviewing solely based on their personal biases - emotionally, mentally, spiritually, religiously. Then again, if they were to write driven by their personal biases, they are not professional enough. They do not know how to decipher work and personal life.

Come to think again, you can't really be in an absolute state of self, mind and whatever that comes in between because we humans have been receiving inputs, drives, ignitions since day one. Take religions, norms, culture, educations, politics and all. They are all root down to your surrounding, your society.

Right where you are standing now, don't tell me you did it all on your own because we can never be absolute on something. We can never truly be absolute in perceptions as they are all based on every, and I mean it, EVERY single thing in your entire life. Even in milliseconds, even if that means its the size of a bloody molecule.

The next time you hear a review on the radio, or read a review; remember, do you want to start believing (and conforming) what the person has to say on that something? Or do you want to make sure that what the person has said is actually true? You see, the latter even suggested that the reviews had created a blueprint in your mind.

What? I was driving home and I heard a review on Wasabi Prawns on the radio. I could not think of the food, but instead, I was wondering whether I should believe him or not because he was trying so hard to persuade people its good, in fact, "the tastiest fluffy thing.. you'd be sure to order another platter."

Right?

The Arcade Fire, dan malam bersama buku.

"As they said goodbye, Benjamin looked out of the window again, nor meaning to be rude, but wanting to avoid Claire's eyes; he knew that when she said goodbye he would find a challenge there, that she would try to force some kind of response, just as she had been trying to do ever since he had first taken notice of her, at this same bus stop, three long years ago. Since then he had probably been the last person, out of all his friends, to recognize the obvious fact that she nursed a passion for him, an inexplicable crush which he had done nothing to encourage. It had become a source of monstrous embarrassment between them. Even Claire, at some level, seemed to hate herself for it; but there it was. Apparently these things couldn't be reasoned away."

Coe, Jonathan. The Rotters' Club. (2001). England: Penguin.

Currently the book I'm distracting myself with from life. Says much doesn't it Pink Nerd? Well, just a theory. Find it funny as hell though.

Endlessly,

You tell me how did your life start?

Yes, maybe from that moment you came out of that little womb. Throughout your kindergarten, primary and then secondary years. Then comes Diploma, Degree, Masters or maybe PhD. The work, marriage which comes in between your tertiary studies. Have you ever felt that you're always chasing something in life, when really, you know that's that.

You see, in my mind it works this way; kindergarten yes, you pass it to get into primary, and you pass primary to get to secondary and then secondary to tertiary. Tertiary for a secured job and payroll and love which comes in between to fulfill your whole lust, emotional support; basically your entire system. Once married, what's next? Kids. Okay when you've kids, what's next? Religious goals? Toil towards the main purpose in life, to get into Heaven, and if it's possible, make it the seventh level please.

But really, put religion aside. What really is your point in life? To get rich and build this huge house of your own, and have a happy family. Right, let me tell you, adults just have this constant sexual lust when they are married. I know not all, but they just have to have other sexual partners. Quickie at the pantry with the secretary? Or just mere flings.

You'd say nobody's perfect yes, and in fact, when you see a wholly perfect, flawless family you'd just say its fake. Straight out from a bloody detergent commercial. But when you see a broken home, really, you'd just say that's life and start blaming the parents for their miserable kids.

So much for a happy family then.

You just keep moving forward to achieve that long term goals and then what's next? You just keep bloody running and chasing for the future and run and run and run and run.. it never stops.

Yes you do go phases in life and you grow from it. Divide your life into portions where significant events happen that have strong impacts in your life. Mine was at the age of 6, 10, 15, and it grows from there. Well I think I grow throughout then. But really, it's so fucking tiring that I feel I'm always chasing something that is never ending.

Hence, I'm running in the race. What race? Mana ah aku tau.

***

People come and go as they say. You try to make amends, meet up for a little chat with a cup of coffee or what not. But like I said and predicted and figured, it would never be the same. Maybe it's the forces of nature, the gravity and the order of things. And God, you need to help me.

Changes change people, change the order of life, change the mind.. and the list goes on. Basically, you're a different person. Even it means it has only been a year.

I met an old friend today after a year of distance and failed attempts of meeting up. Thats because I kept bailing out because I know it would just make me feel miserable and, MY GOD HELL YES I WAS. But you know, you swallow. Well, so I did, I swallowed.

As much as I tried to swallow, but you know, you can't just swallow up that much. It eats myself up. No worse, it eats my fucking self-concept and my fucking social identity up. I wake up every morning wishing I would never have to end up with this little world of theirs and hating myself for I have ate my self.

You see, I'm not whining because of how and who they are. I couldn't care less for all I care because its just how the world works, there are cliques. Its what they're doing to my Self. I'm sorry but I put great importance on the Self. Its fucking sacred. Fuck yes. And my god I'm cursing.

I'm miserable.

You can have your short term goals like graduating your tertiary studies and your long term goals like getting married at some fancy hotel. But your life goal? No its much more than your short and long term goals. It's to Complete your Self like that missing piece of your life puzzle and mind you, it's not your average "You complete me" towards your partner kinda thing.

So hooray, Jane ate herself up on the inside with the presence of these certain persons. Really amazing that you have developed your Self and Identity to the point where those people you just stumbled upon years back are the very people you want to avoid for they have found their selves which clearly contradict to your Self. So run along. I may sound selfish, but hey, you made me eat myself up from the inside.

Time alone, all I need is time alone for obvious reasons.

Chasing People,

No no, not in a stalkerish manner. In a proper manner of course.

I was well, going through pictures of my friends with the boyfriends. The boyfriends and the girlfriends. The one having another crush on the other person. Ehem. And simply, the people around you, your friends and your family - reference group.

At first glance of course you wouldn't see what's in it for these two people. How can their worlds collide? On what gravity and force did they become united? Take the perspective of love. Yes I know, I have done the whole case study on mating preferences and the whole Darwin theory of reproduction, and no aku tak puas hati dengan the finding.

Think of it. Well its undeniable that there are many approaches to this subject, physical entity, rationale, spiritual, and the whole majesty abstract "it's destined" bull but yeah, this is from my perspective of course, bare in mind.

If you're with someone, on what basis are you with that particular someone?

I mean, is that person similar to you? Because from what I've read over and over again, similarity is the key of an interpersonal relationship.

But then again, what exactly is the definition of similarity? Like many things, there are many different approaches and degrees in a matter. Likewise, which degree do you want to perceive your relationship? Or rather, at what degree would it be appropriate to perceive the similarity in the relationship?

Physical, abstract. Body, mind. Mind, soul.

The physical approach alone has so many classifications. Its the order in life whether you like it or not, people perceive things in classes, that's what make things easy to remember. So anyway, physical similarities, it could be your height, skin color, appearances - whether you follow the latest trends or dyed hair or accessories or tattoos and such.

Abstract however, it goes to a different perspective. From your mere views on why Biology and not Chemistry or why Add Maths and not Modern Maths. You know the whole philosophy of life and your arguments on that Ultimate Being above there, whether He exists or otherwise. Or your present and future goals in life.

Really, when you are with someone, what do you see in your partner? Don't tell me they're just mere sparks because really, it just doesn't make sense for these single eyes.

I mean, on what criteria, basis, notion do you want to be with someone? Even friends. On what basis do you people grow fonder?

I have talked about self-concept, how you perceive yourself. Basically these mere self perceptions have the drive on how you perceive others and your interpersonal relationships. After all, "Esse est percipi".

If you perceive yourself as A, would your perception towards your partner be the same A on this specific issue. You know, you share common and mutual understandings on the philosophy of life and all - traditional primary relationship. Your other half.

Or would you respect your partner's philosophical views on life, and maintain your philosophical views. Grow from it, discuss about it. Sure you guys would lead to heated conversations, but you know, you learn from that, you argue but its constructive - independent primary relationship. Your significant other.

Bebe (Kido) because we see things eye to eye, not everything but important ones - the little sister I never had. I have LipGloss, what made us close? The verge of stepping into the teenage world, being 13? I have Paperbag, well that's cause we have our occasional life talks. Flabs, because they're crazy bunch of kids in college.

Pinknerd? Because she stole my identity, lol.

So my dears, how do you perceive your interpersonal relationships, be it your parents, your friends or your partner? Tell me how did your two worlds collide? Which force brought you two connected?

Did destiny or life itself brought you two on the same track? Or was it the body or the mind force?

At the end of the day, its chasing a person when the two are not even walking. Should I start with a "Hello Mr.Yellow"?