When do you feel most alive?

Individuals take many forms. Of which, are related to their social roles depending on the social context that they are in. But which of these forms best represent their True Self (if such exists)?

if the True Self is existent, then which?

At which state of these 'selves' collectively forms or portrays one's 'True Self'?

When, do you feel most alive?

When do you feel most in touch with your internal world?

Is it when you detach/disengage yourself with others' selves? Or is it when you are functioning part of your other 'selves'? Is it when you're around your containing environment? Around your family, friends, loved ones? Is it when you're doing that thing you love so deeply? Is it when you're out with your lover tracing skylines, and being madly in love? Or is it when you're alone with your head, with your Soul? When your insides (insights) turn outward?

Is it, when your mindfulness come to live without the need of social acknowledgment?

Would your "true" form of Self be the collective set of your social roles? Would that be enough? Do they, collectively, make you feel alive?

And when you lose any of these parts, would you feel like you lose your Self?





When do you feel most alive?

Going Places: Something To Tell You (2)

By VQ1015 Classic

By Canon (I dunno what model).

Oxfordshire, United Kingdom.

"I find careful patterns on the snow," Snow Patrol.

I'm on a train to the metropolis in the middle of nowhere where when I look left, or right, there is snow everywhere. My world at this present state, is covered with white miracle. And well, Vampire Weekend singing 'Run' to me:

"We mostly work to live, until we live to work. She said, "You know there's nowhere else to go". But changing roles, it struck me that the two of us could run... Cause honey with you, is the only honest way to go. I could take two, if I could ever really know. Cause honey with you, and a battered radio" Vampire Weekend.

It struck to me just when I sat in between strangers, and if I were to go to the loo, who would I trust with my (general) personal belongings like my book?

And so happens, I suspect a stranger near me is from homeland. Would I strike a conversation, and assume trust?

If I were to trust this fellow (assumed) Malaysian, would it be because of our common nationality/ethnicity? Wouldn't I then be in some way, ethnocentric?

An elderly lady next to me, whom I've talked generally to, is reading a book. By some manner, she should be containing, warming and in a way, more trusting. But why, isn't my psyche/gut/impulse telling me she is the more trusting candidate?

(Is it even right to call them candidates for Trust?)

But those are the more general stuff, like material possessions that can be replaced.

What about matters of the heart and the immaterial parts of you? To whom do you trust them with?

And if so, how did the assumed trust begin?

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

21.

Because she came up with 19 when I was 19, and the upcoming album 21 when I'm 21! Please lah, Malaysians lambat gila nak hype pasal Adele.

I will hunt for your next gig. F- yeah Brit music!

Snow Day/London Calling.

School was out. We had snow day.

Autumn in London. Because London is London,

and I miss the city.

And I have lost my words.

(Untitled 2)

-

O'

what of my being

and Soul?

Is it out of

your very own?

That part

of the whole.

The peace

of my internal war.

O'

what tragedy

of the unbeknownst!

O'

what horror

this prolonged wait!

Mine like the

familiarity of yours.

Would you

come to clarity?

Going Places: Something To Tell You (1)

Nottingham Games Malaysia @ Nottingham University &

Nottingham City.

Oscar Wilde: An Extract.

Soul and body, body and soul - how mysterious they were! There was animalism in the soul, and the body has its own moment of spirituality. The senses could refine, and the intellect could degrade. Who could say, where the fleshly impulse ceased, or the physical impulse began? How shallow were the arbitary definitions of ordinary psychologists! And yet how difficult to decide between the claims of the various schools! Was the soul a shadow seated in the house of sin? Or was the body really in the soul, as Giordano Bruno thought? The separation of spirit and matter was a mystery, and the union of spirit and matter was a mystery also.

The Picture of Dorian Gray, Oscar Wilde (p. 48)

03/11

Meet me in the gardens of my unconscious.
There, an eternal flame.

(Untitled)

Let it not be seen
by my naked eyes.

Let it linger in
my Soul for however long.

Let it not take
any physical form.

Hush,
no questions asked.

Just let it be, it.

Distant,



But present.

Still Life

Untuk Jiwaku yang buta.

Dari mulanya ingatan,

ku sangka dunia bercahaya.

Indah merata-rata.

Ku sangka,

celik penglihatan ku.

Dilihatnya pelbagai ragam.

Ku sangka,

celik akal minda.

Rupa-rupanya,

hanya untuk jiwaku yang buta.

Hanya di permukaan;

tidak diselami mendalam.

Adakah yang ditampakkan pada ku kini,

seiring dengan kau?

Kebenaran, yang memanggil.

Divine Intervention.

Untuk jiwaku yang buta.

For my blinded Soul.

One Day Like This.

The covered women and a pinch of Feminism.

Again, I'm assured that all of these were orderly planned by the Divine One. Alhamdulillah.

(Untitled)

That shit did not last.

So just fucking move on!

Dude, kalau kau sibuk dengar your phony playlist and don't listen to Nicestupidplayground, it's a fucking shame. This is Malaysia's 90s.

I'm better when I don't think, seems to get me through.

(Above the latest version, and below the one before).

Hello. Since 2010 seems like the year where there all the new albums are coming up, including I Am Kloot amongst others such as Manic Street Preachers, Gorillaz and Interpol.

I absolutely love this video by I Am Kloot because it is very minimal yet heavy and rich with emotion. I suppose they re-made the video. Enjoy!

Oh btw, one of the reasons Freud is one of the geniuses is because he tells of defense mechanism. Regression for example, where one retreats or regresses to a phase of life where life was more pleasant and free from frustration and anxiety. Also, the state of denial. I mean, come on, get a fucking grip. Pun fucking intended.

Oasis.

Tolonglah, lagu masyuk gila kot.

Oasis should have never disbanded, (yet) again. I mean, it's the Gallagher brothers! Besok pergi town, confirm ada temptation nak masuk HMV, which then may lead to wanting to spend 10 quid on two albums. Haih.

"I'm gonna start a revolution from my bed," sings Liam.

I was asked at dinner the night before on what my aspirations were to get myself at this particular point of my life. If you ask me, it was a pretty heavy topic to discuss over tea with 5 friends after a long day. A heavy topic in which I wouldn't lay down every details of it. It was the choice between a generalise answer or vice versa. But I figured this wasn't a therapy session but a conversation 'normal' people had.

Honestly, I was digging my own mind to answer. I don't know why, but every other time one asks me why this and not anything else, I go blank. Kind of like doing an assessment. A bit of a Hawthorne effect. It's not that I am not in touch with my sense of aspiration. I suppose it is difficult to paint a picture for another without missing every details of the context without misleading them into a different interpretation. Well, nobody said it was easy.

So I subtly dodged the question by tempting them into how one's being could meet life's abnormalities like Schizophrenia or Bipolar Disorder. I cheated.

Today in class, we talked about Aspirations. The kind of why we individuals wanted to be where we were sitting right that particular moment. There wasn't a "one size fits all" situation, but there were similarities. The kind of innate motivation that brought us there on that particular day.

Wasn't it Rumi who said, "The lamps are different, but the light is the same"? It's exactly that. Notice "the Light", and if you like, al-Noor, surah 24 in the Holy Quran.

I could not help but laughed in appreciation. It is indeed perfect how the cosmos work. We had similar drives, the urge of wanting to shine light to our Selves as well as to other people and their Selves. Searching a sense of Self and meaning. Facilitating one's personal growth and development. We were somewhat damaged at some points of our lives. We were going to discover the undiscovered depths on one's psyche. Brought by our own self-awareness, we want to experience somesort of therapy.

We want to get a grasp of Life.

I am content, Alhamdulillah.

(I've got to come up with better titles).

Who was that said that Love conquers all?

One of the motives to go as far as the Northern Hemisphere, was to experience my favourite musicians live. But apparently, the upcoming gigs of Camera Obscura is in Athens.

And I got a stack of books, I didn't read a thing. Maybe I'm just sitting, waiting for the birds to sing.

Pun intended.

Northern Hemisphere.

(Pictures taken by lomo camera)

They say, when you have tasted Perfection, Life would be hard. Have you heard?

All I needed was a little kick and push. A beautifully written song. A piece of poetry. A well-composed musing.

Suddenly, my attainable blue flower is within reach again.

And every time the perspective comes,

you are the bluest light.

Inadequate

The doctor says upon my X-Ray that I have a normal heart size.

But why do I feel like I need a bigger heart?

Isn't normal enough?

If less is more, is more less?

Depart(mental)

I went for a medical check up and a vaccine shot. Upon examining my physique, the lady doctor questions on my family medical history followed by, "Do you have any problems?"

I dislike general questions so I asked her politely, "What kind?"

"Any kind," she answered.

I told her, "Physically, no problems" and I laughed.

"You have mental problems?" she asked.

"Plenty," I said.

After questioning my academic background she says, "Now I get what you mean.. Haha!".

Let's Talk

Just by saying so little, you tell so much.

Immaterial

Despite the longing soul,

and the yearning.

I acknowledge,

just the subconscious desire.

O,

what harm can it do?

Just a wound in the unconscious -

immaterial.

O,

what is the Truth?

Is it yours or mine -

pragmatic.

Repress, repress, repress.

Yearn.

Repress.

August 28, 2010.

Carl Jung once claimed, "Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will rule your life and you will call it fate".

Collective Effort

The world scares me more each day.

A single idea could make the world.

But, which idea sells?

What is...

The core of existence?

Where to look

and seek?

Is it in the Self,

or in other people?

Haste

My body,
Tired.

My mind,
Restless.

It grows,
And then it dies.

Make me
Embrace the flow.

O, foolish self -
Hasten judgments.

Impulsive,
By nature.

It spring back to life.

Resilient,
To the very core.

August 20, 2010.

Tentang Kita

Jika bisa ada

arkib jiwa,

mampu aku

tampakkan.

Mampu engkau

membuat pengertian.

Mampu kita

capai persetujuan.

Jika bisa

mengerti jiwa,

kita tidak berbeda.

Ogos 20, 2010.

There's no Light without Darkness.

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

By the Sun and his
(glorious) splendour;
By the Moon as she follows him;
By the Day as it shows up (the Sun's) glory;
By the Night as it conceals it;
By the Firmament and its (wonderful) structure;
By the Earth and its (wide) expanse:
By the Soul, and the proportion and order given to it;
And its enlightenment as to its wrong and its right;
-Truly he succeeds purifies it,
And he fails that corrupts it!

(91:1-10) As-Syams, translated by'Abdullah Yusuf 'Ali


بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

Demi Matahari dan sinarnya pada pagi hari
demi Bulan apabila mengiringinyademi siang apabila menampakkanya
demi malam apabila menutupinya (gelap gulita)
demi Langit serta pembinaanya (yang menakjubkan)
demi Bumi serta penghamparannya
demi Jiwa serta penyempurnaan(ciptaan)nya
maka Dia mengilhamkan kepadanya (jalan) kejahatan
dan ketakwaan sungguh beruntung orang yang menyucikan (Jiwa itu)
dan sungguh rugi orang yang menggotorinya.

(91:1-10) Surah As-Syams, Terjemah perkata Type Hijaz

Because Allah SWT created things in two opposing forces. Good will not exist without knowing what evil is like. We would not know what the light could provide us without knowing how darkness descends.

Some Kind of Revelation

Like many, I have this strong urge to see the world. It may seem like a cliché that one wants to travel and see the world. On the surface, you would not see the connotations of this urge. Intrinsically, I feel as if it is a calling. A some kind of revelation. Especially these countries below:

Germany. Das Land der Dichter und Denker.

Above is a picture of the Berlin Wall that separates the East and the West. In 1989, the wall was demolished. JFK, then the President of United States uttered, "Ich bin ein Berliner!". Personally, the Berlin Wall has become somewhat a subconscious drive. Probably it is because after I heard Ben Gibbard singing about it in 'Crooked Teeth' which I thought it was brilliant. I need to go and see the Berlin Wall for I need to reconcile what has been segregated before. I need to synchronize the heart and the head.

Of course, to visit München and other parts of Deutschland. To even trace Freud's footsteps and to see what the country has become after the Third Reich. And Nietzsche! The Romanticism period in Germany where the artisans and melancholics yearn for that distant thing. And the Kulterkampf, because right now, my country land is at the state where we are in between cultures. Much like how she used to be di pertengahan jalan perdagangan, and her location di garisan khatulistiwa. And we get caught and confused.

Mama says, "Kak, nanti kau pergi Germany, kau pergi lah cari Özil, suruh dia kahwin dengan kau".

You see, I'm a girl with purposes.

Greece.

The ancient Greek city. I have been wanting to go to Athens ever since I was in school. It's a symbol of civilization! I want to walk the footsteps and paths of the great philosophers. The city where Metaphysics, Political Philosophy, Ethics, Logic, Aesthetics, Epistemology, Theology etc are born. The lot of Hellenistic philosophers. The place where you can only imagine Greek mythology, the oracle were materialized ancient years ago. The footsteps of the Sophists, of Plato, Socrates etc.

Russia.

I myself am not sure why would I want to visit Russia. But when I was a little girl, I had this feeling that Russia was an odd country. At least socio-politically. But I want to feel the extreme weather of Siberia. Walk the streets of Russia and feel skeptical about the place. With KGBs all over. Hah!

But I guess mostly because of Tolstoy, Doestoevsky, Vladimir. And of course, live up to Marxism.

Pakistan.

Despite its catastrophe, and may the souls be blessed in this holy month of Ramadhan, I have this urge to go Pakistan. Visit Karachi, Lahore and Islamabad. See what's life for them.

Listen to the locals tell stories on their former leaders, and how life could have been better. How poverty affects the little undernourished souls. How education could pave differences, and how political correctness should have benefited the many, not the few.

And to pick up some Urdu.

Turkey.

I fell in love with this place after reading Orhan Pamuk's Snow. It won the Nobel Prize, so just that says so much. But mostly Turkey, because it bloomed after the Ottoman empire. Which was followed by Mustafa Kemal Atatürk, the father of Secularism in Turkey. It's not that I'm in favour of Secularism neither am I against it. It's just something about Secularism that's fascinating. It's an Islamic civilization. About how Muslim women were (are?) not allowed to cover themselves with the hijab in universities and what not. I mean, I have a feeling this particular country has lost that pragmatic fine line along the way.

There's just something about Turkey that's calling me.

And did you know that Özil is half Turkish?

It all boils down to Let's Get Out of This Country by Camera Obscura.

Okay, kembali ke dunia nyata. But it is so much fun in the head.

A Beautiful Tragedy...

Beautiful.

But still a tragedy.

You and I, we differ.

Who am I to tell you about Life?

You've got eyes, seek.
You've got ears, listen.

Who am I to tell you about you?

You've got a mind, ponder.
You've got a Soul, yearn.

You and I, we differ.

But, wait!

At any rate, waiting becomes a plot in our lives. We differ, of course. But the foundation is the same, we wait.

Waiting could be one of the toughest tasks in life. Due to the dynamic life uncertainties, we aren't able to estimate the time of arrival. So we are left on our feet and solid grounds to wait. And that depends on our might and will.

At times, when the rain pours and wet the soil of our grounds, we grow tired of the mud puddles. Get our feet dirty as we stand still under the rain. The wet soil gets all over our clean feet.

With our dirty feet and disturbed state, we start to question our initial motives and desires. Not knowing the possibility of making a irrational, impulsive decision one might regret in the near future. Suddenly, standing in the mud under the dark clouds was no longer worthy. That bright sun with green grass was a better instant choice. It's there, why be caught in a rut?

But good things come to those who wait.

Is it worthwhile?

"But if I move my place in line, I'll lose. And I have waited. The anticipation has got me glued".

The Day

Lupa pula caranya hendak "Carpe f- Diem".

Kembali ke sangkar minda.

Kembali mencari kebebasan kognitif.

Perseverance

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

Be sure We shall test you with something of fear and hunger, some loss in goods, lives and the fruits (of your toil), but give glad tidings to those who patiently persevere.―

Surah Al-Baqara, ayat 155. (2:155)

Racun

Elak,

teriak suara kepala.

Akan bencana

jiwa dan raga,

tafsirnya.

Binasa.

Elak.

Si persis menanti.

Akan lapuk dek masa,

si pengabur kebenaran.

Bersihkan kekeruhan,

cari kelapangan.

Berikan kekuatan,

kesabaran,

kesucian

dalam kegilaan.

Pohon untuk

diluaskan hati,

ibarat bidang lautan.

Biar kuman

di seberang

jauh dari penglihatan.

Selamat menyambut Ramadhan wahai pembaca sekalian. Nikmati kenikmatan yang baik-baik belaka. Perbaiki diri.

Get out of that rut you are in!

Restore your Faith in the good earth. Love and let go. Life's dynamic.

The Many

And then,

they made me forget
about what I've forgotten before.

Made me them,
disorientated.

Mardy Bum

There's this book that I've been reading. Well, in general it's about Life and melancholia.

Then of course, my friend who is doing Meds in Melbourne, reblogged a post on the great Virginia Woolf. I had to verify with her if whether Woolf had Bipolar Disorder. Then she said, in her psychology text book - "among the famous people who ever lived, of those depressed, 70% were writers." So Woolf had Depression and psychosis induced. Then she committed suicide.

I wasn't surprised. My enthusiasm grew. Even Carl Jung himself had psychosis. Jung claimed that, neurosis is knowledge. How else would you know more of your interior?

All the best people are bonkers. You'd be too normal, plain and boring if you weren't.

So there is beauty in breakdown, bak nyanyian Imogen Heap.

Chef Inception

Aku akan jadi 'legal' tahun ini. Mencecah that big 2-1. Kebebasan, kalau ikut budaya umum. Bagi aku, tak ada hal lah!

Hasrat aku mudah: belajar masak. Masak nasi ukuran air tu pun aku was-was lagi. 5 tahun dulu aku ada tanya sepupu aku, "Kak, air nasi ni berapa banyak?" Dia jawab, 1/3 of the beras. Tau tak jawapan dia sangat mengaburkan? Ambiguous! Sampai hari ni setiap kali aku masak aku dengar suara dia dalam kepala - "1/3 of the beras". Anak dia dah 2 orang dah - berumur 5 dan 2 tahun. Macam mana aku masak nasi? Pretend and convince myself ukuran air tu 1/3 daripada beras tu.

Apa? Believing is seeing. And feeling. And knowing.

Kalau tanya orang cara nak masak lagi lah. Ayat sama je keluar - letak ikut rasa sendiri lah. Mana lah aku tak cukup rasa ke tak! Aku tak tau nak bedakan yang sedap dan tidak. Kecuali kalau masakan tu hangus lah.

Kau tanya aku benda, aku tak boleh kasi jawapan definite. It's mental! Nak beli aiskrim perasa apa pun aku berfikir 10 juta kali konon tanya diri yang mana. Diri aku tak pernah nak jawab balik pun! So nak ikut diri cukup rasa ke tak, wrong answer!

Aku tak ada latar belakang anak dara atau bakal bini orang lah okay. Masa kecil, ada pembantu rumah jadi tukang masak (dan pendorong aku ke dunia psikologi sebab dia psiko. Tapi itu cerita untuk lain hari). Kerja aku main Sims dengan Internet lah hari-hari.

Dah besar, masuk dapur kena halau dengan Mama. Dia tak suka aku masuk dapur buat dapur dia berantakan. Lantai melekit lah apa lah. So kerja aku main komputer je lah lagi.

So tadi aku masuk lah dapur nak masak untuk kawan-kawan malam nanti. Tanya Mama cara-cara untuk masak. Secretly, aku bangga lah okay. From scratch kot!

Beliau jenguk anak dara dia di dapur dan berkata, "Haih, tak makan lah laki kau Kak".

Nasib baik Inception ajar macam mana nak tanam idea kat seseorang.

Believing is seeing. And feeling. And knowing.

Unity in Diversity: Celebrating Our Differences

Komedi Gelap Kehidupan

Lucu.

Okay, aku ada suatu kebiasaan dengan memulakan dengan perkataan "lucu", atau "it's funny" dalam penulisan tidak formal aku. Sebab itu kebenarannya, kehidupan kita melucukan. Bahkan sebuah komedi gelap Quentin Tarantino - Pulp Fiction, Inglorious Basterds, Kill Bill dll. Suatu rantai drama yang harus kita cari isi dan intipatinya. Hasilnya? Hanya individu itu saja yang dapat menilaikannya.

Truth is pragmatic, but yet objective in principles. Kebebasan harus dipimpin oleh prinsip. Absolute Freedom is unattainable. Kebebasan Mutlak, milik the Divine One.

Aku sedar secara teori dan secara idealistiknya, kita harus hormati individu dan kelainan. Seperti kempen bangsa Malaysia dan 1Malaysia yang sering dikomersialkan. Ini lagi sebuah perkara lucu. The act to embrace diversity needs to be commercialized. Then again, it's the real doggy dog world people have been talking about, no?

Lucu. Dan ini bukan perkara serius, hanya kejadian harian kehidupan.

Ketika kelas tuisyen Matematik darjah 5 dan 4 di mana aku ditugaskan membantu mereka dalam pengiraan mereka, seorang pelajar India hadir untuk kelas percubaan secara percuma. Mengikut norma, aku pun bertanyakan latar belakang pendidikan pelajar baru itu. Sebenarnya sebab aku tekun melihat dia berkira dengan pantas dalam kepalanya - the kind of skill you pick up from a Chinese school. I'm not discriminating, but I love people (especially boys) who are good with numbers -sexy! Ini tak ada kena mengena, tapi aku rindu Add Math dan Kimia.

"I go to school at Lick Hung," katanya. Aku mampu sengih di dalam sahaja lah okay, konon maintain professional dan neutral. Kemudian, seorang pelajar berbangsa Cina yang bersekolah di Sekolah Wawasan tanpa segan silu mengatakan,

"Whhaa-? He go to school at Lick Hung ah teacher?".

"Yup, why lah. Cannot meh?" secretly, aku mahu cungkilkan ideologi sosiopolitiknya walaupun berusia 11 tahun. I mean, these years are our defining years no? Okay sorry lah, tak beretika sikit - niat sudah lari!

"So he can speak Chinese ah?"

"Duhhhhh"

"... but he's Indian ohhh.." dengan mata sepetnya yang cuba dibesarkan.

"So what if he's Indian, he cannot speak Chinese ke? Dah, continue your Maths".

Apa lagi yang perlu dikatakan?

Pada hari yang berlainan, aku bertembung dengan seorang gadis di tandas pada suatu pagi sebelum memulakan syif kerja.

"You kerja kat Kids, kan?" tanya gadis tinggi itu kepada aku. Tapi aku ada tabiat yang malas nak layan orang asing tambahan pula, telinga aku disumbat dengan lagu-lagu Muse.

"Ooh, sorry. I tak dengar, kuat lagu. Hmm apa you tanya tadi?"

"You kerja kat Kids, kan?"

"Oh ah yup. You kat Adults eh?"

She went on about the situation at the Adults store. Well, I just listened. Lebih senang melayan cerita orang yang bertemakan - Me Me Me daripada menceritakan sesuatu.

"Tapi macam susah sikit lah, sebab Cina kan".

Okay, jika hidup aku sebuah filem naratif, aku akan masukkan "pause" dan berkata - See there girl, that's the first mistake you made. Especially when meeting a stranger for the first time. Basically, you just spilled your ideologies in a subtle way. And I didn't even want to know!

Mungkin, kita lupa akan deep conversations. Gradual growth of interpersonal communications. Take it easy. It's like asking your date "Would you like to marry me?" on your first date. Heavy shit, dear stranger.

Tapi, yer, siapa aku untuk mengatakan sesuatu? Individu kan?

Kadang-kadang, komedi dalam kehidupan kita ini bukan secara terang dihidangkan di hadapan kita. Simple innocent lines in harmless introductory conversations could be a collective facade to one's twisted perception of Life and the world. You just have got to listen and seek deeper.

Act on principles.

Something To Tell You

"Haunted by the idea that he will find the one who will complete him, therefore rejecting all others as wrong. The founding myth of heterosexuality: completion, the ultimate fulfilment,"

Something To Tell You, Hanif Kureishi.

Decorate

Well. I asked my good friend to buy her album from the launch last weekend. Wasn't complete that I was absent for the album launch considering I went for the EP launch 2 years ago.

2 years ago. 2008.

See how time flies?

Mercury Prize Race

I'm rooting for them for Mercury Prize including The XX and Foals.