Saturday, August 28, 2010

Let's Talk

Just by saying so little, you tell so much.


Despite the longing soul,
and the yearning.

I acknowledge,
just the subconscious desire.

what harm can it do?

Just a wound in the unconscious -

what is the Truth?

Is it yours or mine -

Repress, repress, repress.



August 28, 2010.

Carl Jung once claimed, "Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will rule your life and you will call it fate".

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Collective Effort

The world scares me more each day.

A single idea could make the world.

But, which idea sells?

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

What is...

The core of existence?

Where to look
and seek?

Is it in the Self,
or in other people?


My body,

My mind,

It grows,
And then it dies.

Make me
Embrace the flow.

O, foolish self -
Hasten judgments.

By nature.

It spring back to life.

To the very core.

August 20, 2010.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Tentang Kita

Jika bisa ada

arkib jiwa,

mampu aku


Mampu engkau

membuat pengertian.

Mampu kita

capai persetujuan.

Jika bisa

mengerti jiwa,

kita tidak berbeda.

Ogos 20, 2010.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

There's no Light without Darkness.

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

By the Sun and his
(glorious) splendour;
By the Moon as she follows him;
By the Day as it shows up (the Sun's) glory;
By the Night as it conceals it;
By the Firmament and its (wonderful) structure;
By the Earth and its (wide) expanse:
By the Soul, and the proportion and order given to it;
And its enlightenment as to its wrong and its right;
Truly he succeeds purifies it,
And he fails that corrupts it!

91:1-10) As-Syams, translated by'Abdullah Yusuf 'Ali

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

Demi Matahari dan sinarnya pada pagi hari
demi Bulan apabila mengiringinyademi siang apabila menampakkanya
demi malam apabila menutupinya (gelap gulita)
demi Langit serta pembinaanya (yang menakjubkan)
demi Bumi serta penghamparannya
demi Jiwa serta penyempurnaan(ciptaan)nya
maka Dia mengilhamkan kepadanya (jalan) kejahatan
dan ketakwaan
sungguh beruntung orang yang menyucikan (Jiwa itu)
dan sungguh rugi orang yang menggotorinya.
(91:1-10) Surah As-Syams, Terjemah perkata Type Hijaz

Because Allah SWT created things in two opposing forces. Good will not exist without knowing what evil is like. We would not know what the light could provide us without knowing how darkness descends.

Some Kind of Revelation

Like many, I have this strong urge to see the world. It may seem like a cliché that one wants to travel and see the world. On the surface, you would not see the connotations of this urge. Intrinsically, I feel as if it is a calling. A some kind of revelation. Especially these countries below:

Germany. Das Land der Dichter und Denker.

Above is a picture of the Berlin Wall that separates the East and the West. In 1989, the wall was demolished. JFK, then the President of United States uttered, "Ich bin ein Berliner!". Personally, the Berlin Wall has become somewhat a subconscious drive. Probably it is because after I heard Ben Gibbard singing about it in 'Crooked Teeth' which I thought it was brilliant. I need to go and see the Berlin Wall for I need to reconcile what has been segregated before. I need to synchronize the heart and the head.

Of course, to visit München and other parts of Deutschland. To even trace Freud's footsteps and to see what the country has become after the Third Reich. And Nietzsche! The Romanticism period in Germany where the artisans and melancholics yearn for that distant thing. And the Kulterkampf, because right now, my country land is at the state where we are in between cultures. Much like how she used to be di pertengahan jalan perdagangan, and her location di garisan khatulistiwa. And we get caught and confused.

Mama says, "Kak, nanti kau pergi Germany, kau pergi lah cari Özil, suruh dia kahwin dengan kau".

You see, I'm a girl with purposes.


The ancient Greek city. I have been wanting to go to Athens ever since I was in school. It's a symbol of civilization! I want to walk the footsteps and paths of the great philosophers. The city where Metaphysics, Political Philosophy, Ethics, Logic, Aesthetics, Epistemology, Theology etc are born. The lot of Hellenistic philosophers. The place where you can only imagine Greek mythology, the oracle were materialized ancient years ago. The footsteps of the Sophists, of Plato, Socrates etc.


I myself am not sure why would I want to visit Russia. But when I was a little girl, I had this feeling that Russia was an odd country. At least socio-politically. But I want to feel the extreme weather of Siberia. Walk the streets of Russia and feel skeptical about the place. With KGBs all over. Hah!

But I guess mostly because of Tolstoy, Doestoevsky, Vladimir. And of course, live up to Marxism.


Despite its catastrophe, and may the souls be blessed in this holy month of Ramadhan, I have this urge to go Pakistan. Visit Karachi, Lahore and Islamabad. See what's life for them.
Listen to the locals tell stories on their former leaders, and how life could have been better. How poverty affects the little undernourished souls. How education could pave differences, and how political correctness should have benefited the many, not the few.

And to pick up some Urdu.

I fell in love with this place after reading Orhan Pamuk's Snow. It won the Nobel Prize, so just that says so much. But mostly Turkey, because it bloomed after the Ottoman empire. Which was followed by Mustafa Kemal Atatürk, the father of Secularism in Turkey. It's not that I'm in favour of Secularism neither am I against it. It's just something about Secularism that's fascinating. It's an Islamic civilization. About how Muslim women were (are?) not allowed to cover themselves with the hijab in universities and what not. I mean, I have a feeling this particular country has lost that pragmatic fine line along the way.

There's just something about Turkey that's calling me.

And did you know that Özil is half Turkish?

It all boils down to Let's Get Out of This Country by Camera Obscura.

Okay, kembali ke dunia nyata. But it is so much fun in the head.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

A Beautiful Tragedy...


But still a tragedy.

You and I, we differ.

Who am I to tell you about Life?

You've got eyes, seek.
You've got ears, listen.

Who am I to tell you about you?

You've got a mind, ponder.
You've got a Soul, yearn.
You and I, we differ.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

But, wait!

At any rate, waiting becomes a plot in our lives. We differ, of course. But the foundation is the same, we wait.

Waiting could be one of the toughest tasks in life. Due to the dynamic life uncertainties, we aren't able to estimate the time of arrival. So we are left on our feet and solid grounds to wait. And that depends on our might and will.

At times, when the rain pours and wet the soil of our grounds, we grow tired of the mud puddles. Get our feet dirty as we stand still under the rain. The wet soil gets all over our clean feet.

With our dirty feet and disturbed state, we start to question our initial motives and desires. Not knowing the possibility of making a irrational, impulsive decision one might regret in the near future. Suddenly, standing in the mud under the dark clouds was no longer worthy. That bright sun with green grass was a better instant choice. It's there, why be caught in a rut?

But good things come to those who wait.

Is it worthwhile?

"But if I move my place in line, I'll lose. And I have waited. The anticipation has got me glued".

Sunday, August 15, 2010

The Day

Lupa pula caranya hendak "Carpe f- Diem".

Kembali ke sangkar minda.

Kembali mencari kebebasan kognitif.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010


بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
Be sure We shall test you with something of fear and hunger, some loss in goods, lives and the fruits (of your toil), but give glad tidings to those who patiently persevere.―

Surah Al-Baqara, ayat 155. (2:155)

Tuesday, August 10, 2010


teriak suara kepala.

Akan bencana
jiwa dan raga,



Si persis menanti.
Akan lapuk dek masa,
si pengabur kebenaran.

Bersihkan kekeruhan,
cari kelapangan.

Berikan kekuatan,
dalam kegilaan.

Pohon untuk
diluaskan hati,
ibarat bidang lautan.

Biar kuman
di seberang
jauh dari penglihatan.

Selamat menyambut Ramadhan wahai pembaca sekalian. Nikmati kenikmatan yang baik-baik belaka. Perbaiki diri.

Get out of that rut you are in!

Restore your Faith in the good earth. Love and let go. Life's dynamic.

The Many

And then,
they made me forget
about what I've forgotten before.

Made me them,

Saturday, August 07, 2010

Mardy Bum

There's this book that I've been reading. Well, in general it's about Life and melancholia.

Then of course, my friend who is doing Meds in Melbourne, reblogged a post on the great Virginia Woolf. I had to verify with her if whether Woolf had Bipolar Disorder. Then she said, in her psychology text book - "among the famous people who ever lived, of those depressed, 70% were writers." So Woolf had Depression and psychosis induced. Then she committed suicide.

I wasn't surprised. My enthusiasm grew. Even Carl Jung himself had psychosis. Jung claimed that, neurosis is knowledge. How else would you know more of your interior?

All the best people are bonkers. You'd be too normal, plain and boring if you weren't.

So there is beauty in breakdown, bak nyanyian Imogen Heap.

Thursday, August 05, 2010

Chef Inception

Aku akan jadi 'legal' tahun ini. Mencecah that big 2-1. Kebebasan, kalau ikut budaya umum. Bagi aku, tak ada hal lah!

Hasrat aku mudah: belajar masak. Masak nasi ukuran air tu pun aku was-was lagi. 5 tahun dulu aku ada tanya sepupu aku, "Kak, air nasi ni berapa banyak?" Dia jawab, 1/3 of the beras. Tau tak jawapan dia sangat mengaburkan? Ambiguous! Sampai hari ni setiap kali aku masak aku dengar suara dia dalam kepala - "1/3 of the beras". Anak dia dah 2 orang dah - berumur 5 dan 2 tahun. Macam mana aku masak nasi? Pretend and convince myself ukuran air tu 1/3 daripada beras tu.

Apa? Believing is seeing. And feeling. And knowing.

Kalau tanya orang cara nak masak lagi lah. Ayat sama je keluar - letak ikut rasa sendiri lah. Mana lah aku tak cukup rasa ke tak! Aku tak tau nak bedakan yang sedap dan tidak. Kecuali kalau masakan tu hangus lah.

Kau tanya aku benda, aku tak boleh kasi jawapan definite. It's mental! Nak beli aiskrim perasa apa pun aku berfikir 10 juta kali konon tanya diri yang mana. Diri aku tak pernah nak jawab balik pun! So nak ikut diri cukup rasa ke tak, wrong answer!

Aku tak ada latar belakang anak dara atau bakal bini orang lah okay. Masa kecil, ada pembantu rumah jadi tukang masak (dan pendorong aku ke dunia psikologi sebab dia psiko. Tapi itu cerita untuk lain hari). Kerja aku main Sims dengan Internet lah hari-hari.

Dah besar, masuk dapur kena halau dengan Mama. Dia tak suka aku masuk dapur buat dapur dia berantakan. Lantai melekit lah apa lah. So kerja aku main komputer je lah lagi.

So tadi aku masuk lah dapur nak masak untuk kawan-kawan malam nanti. Tanya Mama cara-cara untuk masak. Secretly, aku bangga lah okay. From scratch kot!

Beliau jenguk anak dara dia di dapur dan berkata, "Haih, tak makan lah laki kau Kak".

Nasib baik Inception ajar macam mana nak tanam idea kat seseorang.

Believing is seeing. And feeling. And knowing.

Unity in Diversity: Celebrating Our Differences

Wednesday, August 04, 2010

Komedi Gelap Kehidupan


Okay, aku ada suatu kebiasaan dengan memulakan dengan perkataan "lucu", atau "it's funny" dalam penulisan tidak formal aku. Sebab itu kebenarannya, kehidupan kita melucukan. Bahkan sebuah komedi gelap Quentin Tarantino - Pulp Fiction, Inglorious Basterds, Kill Bill dll. Suatu rantai drama yang harus kita cari isi dan intipatinya. Hasilnya? Hanya individu itu saja yang dapat menilaikannya.

Truth is pragmatic, but yet objective in principles. Kebebasan harus dipimpin oleh prinsip. Absolute Freedom is unattainable. Kebebasan Mutlak, milik the Divine One.

Aku sedar secara teori dan secara idealistiknya, kita harus hormati individu dan kelainan. Seperti kempen bangsa Malaysia dan 1Malaysia yang sering dikomersialkan. Ini lagi sebuah perkara lucu. The act to embrace diversity needs to be commercialized. Then again, it's the real doggy dog world people have been talking about, no?

Lucu. Dan ini bukan perkara serius, hanya kejadian harian kehidupan.

Ketika kelas tuisyen Matematik darjah 5 dan 4 di mana aku ditugaskan membantu mereka dalam pengiraan mereka, seorang pelajar India hadir untuk kelas percubaan secara percuma. Mengikut norma, aku pun bertanyakan latar belakang pendidikan pelajar baru itu. Sebenarnya sebab aku tekun melihat dia berkira dengan pantas dalam kepalanya - the kind of skill you pick up from a Chinese school. I'm not discriminating, but I love people (especially boys) who are good with numbers -sexy! Ini tak ada kena mengena, tapi aku rindu Add Math dan Kimia.

"I go to school at Lick Hung," katanya. Aku mampu sengih di dalam sahaja lah okay, konon maintain professional dan neutral. Kemudian, seorang pelajar berbangsa Cina yang bersekolah di Sekolah Wawasan tanpa segan silu mengatakan,

"Whhaa-? He go to school at Lick Hung ah teacher?".

"Yup, why lah. Cannot meh?" secretly, aku mahu cungkilkan ideologi sosiopolitiknya walaupun berusia 11 tahun. I mean, these years are our defining years no? Okay sorry lah, tak beretika sikit - niat sudah lari!

"So he can speak Chinese ah?"


"... but he's Indian ohhh.." dengan mata sepetnya yang cuba dibesarkan.

"So what if he's Indian, he cannot speak Chinese ke? Dah, continue your Maths".

Apa lagi yang perlu dikatakan?

Pada hari yang berlainan, aku bertembung dengan seorang gadis di tandas pada suatu pagi sebelum memulakan syif kerja.

"You kerja kat Kids, kan?" tanya gadis tinggi itu kepada aku. Tapi aku ada tabiat yang malas nak layan orang asing tambahan pula, telinga aku disumbat dengan lagu-lagu Muse.

"Ooh, sorry. I tak dengar, kuat lagu. Hmm apa you tanya tadi?"

"You kerja kat Kids, kan?"

"Oh ah yup. You kat Adults eh?"

She went on about the situation at the Adults store. Well, I just listened. Lebih senang melayan cerita orang yang bertemakan - Me Me Me daripada menceritakan sesuatu.

"Tapi macam susah sikit lah, sebab Cina kan".

Okay, jika hidup aku sebuah filem naratif, aku akan masukkan "pause" dan berkata - See there girl, that's the first mistake you made. Especially when meeting a stranger for the first time. Basically, you just spilled your ideologies in a subtle way. And I didn't even want to know!

Mungkin, kita lupa akan deep conversations. Gradual growth of interpersonal communications. Take it easy. It's like asking your date "Would you like to marry me?" on your first date. Heavy shit, dear stranger.

Tapi, yer, siapa aku untuk mengatakan sesuatu? Individu kan?

Kadang-kadang, komedi dalam kehidupan kita ini bukan secara terang dihidangkan di hadapan kita. Simple innocent lines in harmless introductory conversations could be a collective facade to one's twisted perception of Life and the world. You just have got to listen and seek deeper.

Act on principles.