Tuesday, December 30, 2008

All these things I've done.

It might have been the same for the past 19 years of my life. Like any other minutes, hours and days. Years come and go. From the last year of the 80s, right throughout the 90s until to almost a decade of the 00s.

I never understood why people make such a big hype over the New Year's celebration. What's the fuss? They are a bunch of many other people shrieking over colorful explosions in the sky. They do that every year, what more to say we are a country of festivities. Merdeka, Raya Cina, Deepavali, Raya Puasa - semua pun ada fireworks.

So what's the fuss? It's not like all of them really reflect upon what they have done, and what they are going to do. You know, the whole embrace life at its best, at the moment kind of shit. Maybe there are, but that might probably involve substance abuse.

But really, where do they get all the drive and mood to party hard? I mean, just because its New Year. Last August, they were probably partying their asses off, but they are not half as patriotic as most foreigners that crowd the morning parade. Where's the significant in there?

Take a deep breath. New year is not all about how you had party hard, or how you make a mess out of the person next to you with a can of spray. Or how you finally get that New Year's kiss, despite whether its passionate or not, just because it's New Year. Or which girl you brought home just to clear the pipe. Or where did you go, or which crowd made the most noise and shit.

Heck, I don't even know what the New Year is about.

Like any other years, life has been the same. Like those fine graphs you had to draw for Additional Mathematics, Physics, or Economics. They fluctuate because of many other several outputs. Nothing new, they just gradually increase or decrease unless you have go through one hell of a deficit such like the Great Depression.

People come and go. Several years back, when you were too busy justifying the cool and the lame, you meet people that are much similar to you. Hours passed as days do, down the road, they are people who have seen bits and pieces of the world, and what the glorious world has to offer them. The same familiar faces that had collectively altered their principles, beliefs and views. The same familiar faces, and that tiny familiar feeling.

But that is not enough. People come and go as do affections. The world is such a beautiful place that people have to venture out and explore them much like Columbus. And as you are out there venturing, there are more people you meet. Life is so varied that at times you would have to make spaces for new details.

As you venture the world and its possibilities and wonders, you can either be too caught up living in the fast lane, you forget to take a hard stare at yourself. You lose yourself, like you would lose many other things and people in life. But never mind losing things, or people because you know somehow you would find it hidden somewhere in your memory or that dusty corner of your heart.

Like that old flame of yours.

You see, as days pass and years come and go, people just keep coming and they keep going. They are almost inconsistent. They come and go at the most unexpected time. Then you'd find new distractions, new things that would keep you company as time pass. The cycle never ends. Inconsistency and uncertainty. Change, change and change.

Could be that little habit of you buying Skittles but several weeks later, or days even, they are just like any other candies. You know, that sudden craze. But of course, there are that consistent desires or affections. Probably unrequited even. Like family, or your deepest passion.

I guess it is just amazing how days passed and years come.

People come and go. We get to know them, be amazed, amused, or even judgmental. Trends keep refreshing from the afro hair-do, to that tight bell-bottoms, to skinny jeans and ties, to ridiculous craze over a pair of Tigers (and comparing whose is nicer, or more unique) to hip-hop craze, to the indie hype. From the whole bohsia hype, to punk and skinheads, to sk8er bois to br3akers, to 'I-have-a-band', to shuffling. What's next? I am a fucking anorexic and I bought a fucking pair of awesome shoes and jeans from that high street store? Or I am fucking in love with the whole new concept of Chic-Lit with a vampire in it?

No, not saying its wrong. Just saying how amazing things change. We grow gradually and we don't even notice it. We are too busy living that sometimes we forget to relate ourselves. We are too busy venturing and exploring the boundaries that we get caught up.

We, need to keep doing that, but with our inner selves in tact, so we would not lose each other along the way.

Happy New Year my dear friends.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Scream, shout, tahun baru!

It's the new year, well Islamic one.

And 2 more days to the new year as well.

Til then loves.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Hero ke Zero?

You are my hero.

No actually you are not. Because you know why? I have never really understand the whole concept of having a hero. To me, it is just like looking up to somebody. Like idolize them or some sort.

I don't live in a movie where Spiderman, Superman, or Justice League exist. I don't have a doraemon to argue with. But I would probably end up at the back alley all alone walking back to the big ass car, with my little sling bag - tailing my steps.

I would also probably end up with a group of stupid, lifeless men who happened to like to tease little girls like me. I would probably end up being a victim of a snatch theft. InysaAllah, I'd be safe though.

I could be just another victim of an unfortunate mundane life event. But I do not have a hero that would fly me away upon miliseconds before such event occur. I do not have a man who has superpowers to physically abuse the villain. I live in Subang Jaya, not Gotham City. The only dark knight here is probably the mamak who feed citizens with oily roti canais. A savior of our hungers. (Siot, aku tak racist okay)

No one to save me.

No, I was wrong. I could probably end up as a victim of life's unfortunate events yes. But after going through these events, I am still saved. I could climb the highest social ladder, meet some folks who diverted from the ideal path - I could still be saved.

Because a hero must not necessarily be a person who provides you safety from the villains who would jeopardize your life instantly like from a snatch theft. A hero provides you a vast amount of security from different aspects.

A hero could provide you a secured shelter, stable economy. What's more important, a hero would always try to save you from yourself. You know, the possible demons in you. A hero hence, would always remind you to stick to your grounds, principles and philosophy.

All these over Wonderwall. The Gallagher brothers make me feel in love, and made me put it on repeat.

Maybe, you're gonna be the one who saves me. :)

Thursday, December 11, 2008

'Are we humans, or are we dancers?'

You know, this subject has been bugging me since a couple of months ago. When I realized about how the social circle functions.

Okay you see, what makes us become closed to a person? Namely your closed friends.

This isn't a romantic or an intimate puzzle whereby physical attraction comes in first before you pursue the other party. In a friendship, well, what could have been the starter?

You might probably start from decent small talks about how your courses are a match on your first day in college. Then just because you don't have any friends around, you guys share a sub over lunch. And so it has been that for the past couple of years.

You might have been the best of friends, oops I believe the term is BFF for now. Anyway, you might have been BFFs since play school. You chase each other down the street from the moment you knew a ball could bounce to the point where you two would sneak out of the house late night, chasing girls and boys.

But really, what was the one thing that make you grow much more closer? Your similar interests, and compatible traits. Could have been anything in the world right, what are the odds anyway?

Could have been the loud-banging music, or that jazzy tunes. Could have been the same flavored ice-cream to the same taste of fashion.

Then again, if you are a template of the other party, you'd be accused of a 'Wannabe' of the 'Queen Bee'. You'd end up like Marty and his new found home in Africa, the same. You'd be amongst the sheep, er I mean, Zebras.

After first couple of contacts, that relationship just grow like any other. But as your life matures day by day, that strong bond is in tact regardless of the distance and the short period of time spent together.

Then you venture out of your safety zone, out of your inner circle. Meet new people, and socialize. This is the time where you would truly know how strong are you towards your personal principles.

The beauty that lies within is that how the closed and loved ones are always there, despite the rough patches, the absence and the silence.

See how wonderful people function?

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Hopes and life.

Bukan ketandusan idea, tetapi kemalasan melanda. Rindu tak?

We all have plans for the future, be it in the near future or in the long-term. We always plot for the upcoming episodes. Say, next Wednesday we'll go and buy jeans, Xmas' gifts, new tops, new furniture. And when Wednesday comes, Friday we should go to the beauty parlor to get out hair and nails done. Come Friday, Sunday we should visit the folks at home and bring them the cookies and cupcakes we're gonna get on Friday.

Yeah, we all plan our futures I believe, near or far. Our hopes for tomorrow.

But really, when Wednesday comes, it's just that. You'd just look forward for Friday's outing. And when Friday comes, you'd look forward for Sunday.

Likewise, at 19 during exam week - in fact for the last past examinations for several years - I've always plan ahead. Oh, we should do this and that after exams, and the list goes on and on and on. I have and still am looking forward until the very last semester, and my convocation. Three more Finals and I'm off. You know, graduate, post-graduate studies and shit. Get out of this old place, and finally live.

Ah, but there's where I'm wrong. I've always thought I would live then (during my post-graduate studies) just like I have always thought 5 years ago, I'd be living during my undergraduate studies. You catch my drift? Soon, I'd think my life would only start when I have found the one.

No, no. Salah Jane, salah.

In fact, I think most of us that plan ahead think our lives start then. When you finally get that job you've wanted, or when you finally earn a wealthy living, or when you are hitched to the love or your life, or when you are out of your debts or when you have kids or . . . . .

No. Wrong, you are living. This is it, this is life. This is it.

Whatever rut you are in, whatever lifestyle you are having, that's you, that's life. Even if you are in a rut, this is life. Life does not come when you finally free yourself from the deep shit you are in only because it would be better. But thing is, when you have reach the better, it is not enough because humans' needs are never adequate. We are always wanting more. Hence, we look forward all the time for something more until we forget to see what's in front of us and we forgot to inhale deeply and live.

We're too busy looking ahead and catching something that's uncertain. It's not wrong to dream and plan, but just don't forget that this is life. It is not the future or all your fancy hopes and dreams. They are just mere plans, just like how you plan what to eat for dinner. They change in the course of time.

Just don't put your life in the hands of your hopes and future too much. Your life does not start then, your life is now. It has already started a long time ago.

P/S: ZJ, your tag I buat later, tengah malas. Sorry!

Monday, December 01, 2008

Berpuisi aku malam ini.


I measure the earth,
with my inadequate ruler.
I measure the grounds I stand on,
no, these are never enough.

The radiant moon smiles
and share her broken joyful tales.
I silently comfort her with
my subtle response,
with my notorious ego and
my suppressed pity.

I measure the skies,
with my short stubbed fingers.
They are too far away,
the star-crossed.

The strong rays of the sun,
at times they are too violent.
However way,
these roads need to be enlightened.

And so I re-measure the skies,
even if these fingers can't reach
as I need to call upon the sun.

The planets may bend in between,
aiding me to the rescue of the
sorrow moon, and her plastered smile.

No matter how hard I tried,
the sun is a gazillion miles away.
I can't reach them with my fingers,
and I'm still on these inadequate grounds.

And so, I could only send the moon's heart
to the sun from afar, in the earth's darkness.