Sunday, August 31, 2008

Malaysia dan agama "rasmi" nya.

Time passes real fast. Before you know it, Malaysia is already 51. Selamat Hari Kemerdekaan btw.Seems just like the other day Bandar Hilir was flooded, and the whole country was really enthusiastic about Merdeka. Waiting at Bandar Hilir the day before, was just the whole hype really. They had seen Tanah Melayu at its worst, during its time. What more can be worse when a foreigner, those who are not born and bred are infringing the locals' rights?

But today, today, kids flood every possible inch of celebrating events. Only because it's a reason to party. To let some steams out. Nothing really nationalistic or patriotic in tact. Pure fun. Pure booze. Pure dirty dancing. Tell me, who amongst these darah muda crowds- the ones who went out partying last night, to "count down" the seconds actually want to buy a pretty Jalur Gemilang and stick it on the roof of their cars? Yes, the ones that the parents bought for their 18th birthday.

Of course you can't really compare time side by side, because it's just different. Time grows like people do. Natural selection. But you know, it's just sad to see unnecessary ideologies growing, and patriotism fading.

It felt like yesterday wishing my friend in Dungun Selamat berpuasa a year ago. And here I am, wishing her a year later. And sadly, time changes its course. Natures have been changed. Adaptations are forced.

Selamat menyambut Ramadhan Al-Mubarak.

A year has past, have you (I) changed much than a year ago? Have we catch that glimpse of faith you're expecting?

Saturday, August 30, 2008


Violet Hill.
"If you love me, won't you let me know?"

Yasmin's blog.
"Words say too much. Love comes in silence." - Mahesh

Fair enough.

This is the life.

(Danisoul, flickr. Google Image)

I felt free.
But to spread my wings, it takes a little time to take off.
Slowly however, I moved towards the edge.
And when there was a force within me, I spread my wings anyway.
I flew. Free, no doubt.
But yet, I felt restricted. I felt afraid, lonely.
It's a lonely journey isn't it?
You fly with your flock friends, yes.
But when tomorrow comes, it's a new chapter.
Your new adaptations became the past.
You move to a new flock, a new phase.
The world seem so new prior to the strange phases.
Your mind and body aged, but life gets stranger,
The world grows distant.

We crawl, we walk, we run.

You follow the currents of life.
Those boulders you meet along the way,
you try to work your way around it.
Some struggled, some made it.
At some phase in your stranger life,
you meet with your past blended in your present.
Then you realized,
"we never really did find what the hell we are here for,"
even after all these years.


So who or where do we turn to? Look at the people who are close to you. Give it another 10-15 years. Would they still be there? Even if they will still be there, what happens with the people you meet along the way? The ones you tend to "bond" and be "close" with.

Is this the order of life? You meet people. You keep on meeting people.. on and on and on.

Then, what ever happen to the old ones? Lost contact?

Some, are so near, but yet so far. Funny isn't it?

Monday, August 25, 2008

Sebab kita dua-dua bisu.

I want to go against the order of the world, and I assume you do too.

Do you?

Sunday, August 24, 2008

You tell me your problem, I'll tell you mine.

Dua kupang untuk mengimbang masalah yang mengambil mungkin hanya .0095% sebahagian daripada otak aku.

Sayang, you should read Politics of Punk in the Starmag today, only because you think you belong to that "Punk" era. Know it, then spray it.

Adoi hai, aku tahu topik perbincangan ni dah naik muak, dah jadi suatu kebiasaan hingga membuatkan kamu rasa tiada pembaharuan yang hendak aku nukilkan. Tapi nak buat macam mana? Artikel ni buat aku ketawa macam benda-benda atas pokok tu dalam bilik, sehingga aku pasti mama berfikir dua kali, "betul ke anak dara aku yang kat dalam bilik tu?". Adik? Jangan cakap lah, sudah jadi suatu kebiasaan dia menjerit dari kamar dia yang bersebelahan dengan kamar aku, "Shut up lah kak!".

What? I can't help it. These things get into my head and make me laugh like a fucking lunatic.

What's your problem? You try so hard.

What's my problem? I should accept the fact that they're here to stay. They have always been here. Kalau tak masakan, Holden kat dalam Catcher in the Rye dah describe phonies. And Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany's? Oh, lupa pulak, dia tak dikira, she's a real phony. Not a phony phony. Whatever that means. But yes, my problem is that I should try and learn to accept the bloody fact that they have been here since ever. And it's like the order of the cosmos. Like yin and yang. They balance the weight of the world. They are human too right? I mean, really, kalau aku sibuk memekak dengan topik ini, ke manakah arah tujuannya? Jauh kah? Seperti mama cakap pada aku tengah hari tadi, "Biar lah dia kak, dia tak kacau engkau.. Kau nak bising kat dia buat apa?". I mean, for all you know, I could be a phony in your eyes.

Jane, don't be hasty. Think before you speak. Especially publicly.

But you know, I have to talk about these subjects. They are the basic foundation to my passion in life, humans. Psikologi. But maybe my approach is wrong.

Siapa nak bantu cari masalah aku? I'm open.

Play ball.

Maybe it was Olympics, or it was Wimbledon. Or Papa's old habit of tennis, or even the 8-year-old tennis playing girl inside of me. But yes, 11 years later, I have this sudden urge to play tennis again.

I want to play tennis! I left my trusty tennis racket at my old place, which I bet it's not there anymore. So yes, I think I should go get myself a new one and balls! My god, I want to play tennis. And reading the papers today isn't helping either because it says..

"...Ezam Mohd Nor and Datuk Nallakaruppan, better known as Anwar's former tennis partner.."
Tan, Joceline. Battle get nastier as polls near. Sunday Star. Aug 24th, 2008.

So siapa nak jadi "tennis partner" Jane?

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Er, hello?

(I want to kill your self-control, fyi).

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Live forever.


But now no, the bigger question for trendy kids nowadays is abnormal. Unique. The trend to be normal has losses its value, and hence, the currency of being unique, and out of the norm is well, more "normal", more "outstanding", and such. But really, who could blame them? I mean sure, you can list down all those music genre hype, the physical layer of a soul, but you can't really tell what are they really like until you really hear them talk.

By talks, I'm not saying the usual, WHAT type of music you listen to, WHAT kind of country would you prefer and such. The bigger question here is, WHY. WHY you listen to the music you listen to? WHY do you think Andy Warhol had make the art revolution? WHY do you think that your faiths and beliefs are the right one for you? WHY, not WHAT. Because WHAT, one can simply say it. When you give them a bigger picture to paint with the WHY questions, you might just probably see their "uniqueness" or "abnormalities" fade out. Anybody can say, "Oh yeah, I enjoy the theater too".

But not just anyone can say, "Well, I think in performing arts, it all revolves around the actors on stage. Minus the fact that we are all actors on the stage, strutting and fretting our hours upon the stage, but that's a whole different story. In life we leave rooms for mistakes, we correct from wrongs, no? In movies, rooms for mistakes are more spacious than life, and what more, in theater..."


But that's not the whole point. The point here is, the norms. The urge to be different, but yet normal.

Yes, kids today tend to be more unique, more up to date, more "larger than life". But I am deeply sorry to disappoint you, it is so much more than your usual urges for designer goods, the indie music you listen to, the indie labels you shop, the indie self-made labels. Or that over-rated mass communication, art or psychology-comm degrees. It is what boils in you.

I mean, why? Not what?

Humans are weird, they urge to be different but yet still normal.

You see, accompanied with my solitude in a rowdy crowd of the usual "weekend gateway", I was wondering.. Yes these people have families. Yes they have beautiful children. I mean isn't that the norm? People want beautiful children. People want cute, witty and adorable babies despite wanting to be different. This is probably one of the essences of wanting to be normal. I guess its also probably driven by the narcissistic generation.

But what happens when the child a mother carries for whole nine months have a little defect in their kariotip? Hence, could probably be a down's syndrome child, or have that extra X trait in the kariotip? Pardon me, please don't take this in a wrong turn, it's not like I look down upon these people, it's just well, the norms says it's not normal. So yes, what happens when your child turns out not as "beautiful" as you expected? Your infant does not have that nice mixture of your traits after all.

Or probably your child ends up being Autistic or something. I mean, yes Autistic kids are very beautiful, insightful and such. But growing in a narcissistic generation, it doesn't really help much now does it? You want to be creme de la creme. Or rather you have to be creme de la creme.

Situation 2. Suppose that you're hitched to the man of your life. Financially stable and all, what more can you ask for? Beautiful kids, a career, a nice house.. I mean, what more can a regular woman asks for? (Minus the whole philosophical aspect, i.e. Religion, Self-Actualization, etc.) That's what a normal circle of life should be. Infancy, childhood, adolescence, young adult, adult.. Marry, work, kids. That's probably the foundation, and normal route in life. But tell me, what happen if out of the blue, your normal life crumbles?

Your husband met a tragic accident, losses almost all of his capabilities to support your family. Basically malfunction. Do you stay and be with you dear man of your life, or do you feel lonely when the time comes? Be strong and stay, or be strong and leave? The urge to stay for family and husband or leave for self?

Or what if on your 12th wedding anniversary, right before the big dinner with your lovely spouse, the morning you were diagnosed with the second stage of cancer? It's not normal now is it? You question your doings in life. You've been an acceptable citizen, you perform your prayers now and then, you don't vote or side a corrupted politician, but you can't lead that normal route of life after all.

What happens if your life route changes out of the norm?

Conversations that I usually experience are the usual WHAT. But WHY? Ah, that takes an intellectually provoked extinct being of the testosterone driven being. Yes, just talking can be fun. But you know..

Yes Pink, mission failed. Not a single word, a glance even. Tak nampak bayang pun lah basically. Ha ha.

"Maybe I will never be, all the things that I want to be. But now is not the time to cry, now is the time to find out why. I think you're the same as me, we see things they'll never see.
You and I are gonna live forever."
Live forever, O.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Because RPK made me thought:

Christian is based on the Trinity concept. Three different entities, but one substance.

The Government is based on a trio concept. Three different bodies: Legislature, Executive and Judicial and they have one foundation: politics.

Is it right? Or the Judicial branch is an independent branch? Or they claim to be. Like the United Nation? Ah, questions questions.

Thursday, August 14, 2008


I have this problem, I want to write, yes. But I'm so damn malas and it seems so nice to lie down and fall asleep.

Nonetheless, I am going to write because it has been a good day, wait let me rephrase that; a one hell of a great day. From morning which last term finals' results were the highlight, to afternoon ehem, hanging out with my tiny friend companied by talks, and more talks. And when darkness comes, it was Lee Chong Wei who made it to Badminton Finals in Olympics. I love LCW! :)

So basically, I was watching the Olympics game throughout the week because I have nothing better to do and yes watching talented athletes jumping, swirling with their er beautiful bodies? Eye candy sahaja. And Allah S.W.T would punish me for my sins, Alhamdulillah it is not during Ramadhan. Ha ha, joke dear readers.

"The human mind is our greatest enemy/friend"

It is like approaching your glass, half-empty or half-full. You see, yes your mind could be the biggest threat, provided if you listen much to your mind.

Philosophers have been debating about this ancient issue on mind-body as they can't really prove what is the Mind. It is not exactly situated in your brain now does it? Because the human brain is consist of the nervous system and all that scientific, physical components. Yes, the brain can be very much proven by all these physical stuffs. Through experiments and all.

But the mind? Ah, the mind. It controls your beliefs, perceptions, desires and the like. So basically the mind is very much abstract and vague. I mean, how else can you prove the existence of your mind? What and where exactly is your mind? It is almost like trying to prove the existence of God - minus the dandy, supernatural miracles.

Why then is your own mind can be your greatest enemy?

You see, when I was sitting for my PMR I didn't want to be near my closed friends listening to them reading and questioning each other on whatever possible facts they could remember. Tell you the truth, it kills me. Let's put it this way, I was battling with my mind, it is very hard to maintain that mind stability. One second it can bring you on top of the world saying you can mighty do it, but the next second, it might say, don't be too over-confident, because you might just fall. So tell me, where the hell should I stand then?

Then SPM came, this was easier than I thought - minus the day before B.M papers start. I was freaking myself out. "I can't bloody do B.M and Komsas! Shit! What the hell I am suppose to memorize again?" The rest went through quite well as I occupied myself with my trusty reference books yang penuh dengan highlights dan contengan dan koyak sana-sini. God I miss SPM.

Point here is that, to maintain your mind stability is the greatest strength one can achieve. I mean, it takes a whole lot of energy to make sure your mind does not pull you down in the rut or does not push you waaay on top of the world. Where's the sense in that? Bak kata Rasulullah S.A.W; "live in moderate".

Despite watching men in their beautiful bodies curving and swirling,punching the air of joyous glory; I thought to myself, it takes more than their well-skilled and well-versed routine techniques. These men (and female athletes) have to have a bloody hell of a strong mind!

We're not talking about PMR or SPM here friend. We're talking about the Olympics! Do you have any idea how hard it is to get to the Olympics? And being humans, that particular thought could crumble one down. You see, you sit there after you have done your part. Watch other athletes strut and fret their routines, and you thought to yourself, this person is kinda good. Oh and guess what? So is the next few. And then you see the rankings: You are below the top 10.

And then the next athlete fell, disrupting his routine. But he got up, to finish his routine anyway. Determination. But what can you really tell what is going on his mind? He might just think, "I started it, I have to finish it" - this my friend, is not only a positive statement, it can also be a negative one. Because you see, he might just want to finish it, just for the sake of finishing it.

Catch my drift?

In Individual Gymnastics, all I see is that heated mind-raging battle. One athlete falls, the crowd cheered for encouragement. Other athletes might feel confident and think, "oh good, my chances are getting higher" or he could also think, "oh shitt! what if I do the same thing?". You see.

And the other thing that ached me was when the crowd was cheering for the Chinese athlete whom by the way won gold when the other foreigner athletes were reciting their routine, I wonder, does that gymnast who is reciting his routine hear the ballistic, outrageous cheer for that Chinese gymnast? And did that roaring cheer kill that particular performing gymnast's focus and hence, the mental stability?

If I were one of these athletes trying to make my country proud, I would just close my eyes and listen to my iPod and only open my eyes when I feel confident enough. I don't want to disrupt my mind! Think I would give good advices like above if I was a Sports Psychologist? HA HA. Not. Bayar mahal-mahal, psikologis aku cakap, dengar ipod tutup mata. Bodoh tak bodoh?

Mental stability dear reader, is one of the thing we should be aiming for.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Not really diving beneath the surface,

Watching yummy male swimmers in their trunks, diving are well, seducing? Purr! Ha ha. Oh Blake A_____ from The Great Britain. Oh my god, very cute and young. But of course, like most, they don't come in packages. He had a very pleasant look, but he wasn't that good of a diver. But hey, good enough to make it to the Olympics!

So anyway, I'm not going to talk bull on their good looks, tight abs and all that.

China won the synchronize diving.

China won, beating the United States of America who are the leading divers as what the commentator had said. And correct me if I'm wrong, China won Gold at Athens four years back.

Watching them from the upper most platform, the norm is one of the team member would said some sort of an agreement, "Ready? 1..2..3.. JUMP!" or "Uno Duo Tres.. Jump!" and of they go, flipping, circling, and splassshhhh! But then after accommodating to the norm, ranks, then I realized China was leading, rank 1 - since the beginning.

I didn't watch from the beginning, so basically it took time to absorb the information. And I knew I had to see how good is the Chinese duo. And then it was their turn, the final jump and they were one of the last to dive.

Then the most beautiful thing happened, if I'm not mistaken, I heard two voices counting at once. Equality, team, synchronize.

And right then, I knew I had some sort of a proof to the theory I drew in my head minutes earlier on why the Chinese divers are leading.

China is a collectivist country.

P/S: WTH is "mnrk" in BM? Apparently its "menarik". WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE? Dah ada papan kekunci, taip je ah, nak pendek-pendek lagi. RETARDED ke apa?





P/S: I need a Ben, brains and NOT a phony.

Friday, August 08, 2008

When Muslim men performed their Friday prayers,

So I went out for lunch with mother, only she had eaten and decided to walk around, leaving me to eat. Fine with me really. And so I did. Surrounded by many ladies in their floral, colorful baju kurung and hijab. Oh boy, really I didn't feel out of place. Yeah right.

Call me judgmental or bias, or polarized.

I felt they're having their eyes on me, exploring every inch of my hair. When really, its still in its natural color, not the ones with super-brown color. Ehem. Perasan. Yes perhaps. I just felt, inadequate. I don't fit in when our faiths are quite similar.

My phone rang, kido. Yes, so basically, the conversation revolves around phonies at school. What's new? Phonies here, phonies there. They make our world more exciting. I knew the lady next to me was particularly staring at me, only because I talked in English, with a little melayu words, like, "kan", "sial", "gila". Almost like saying, "budak ni agaknya lupa agama kot.. tak Melayu.. Pengaruh Barat barangkali.. Budak membesar kat bandar.." etc. etc.

Then at another table, 4 ladies having their meals in a square table, 3 in hijabs and 1 not. Her hair color? Much like mine, still in natural color. But odd thing is, the three in hijabs were eating using fork and spoon but my dear kakak who is not fully covered, was eating with her bare hands and mind you, they were all eating rice. So what? Lagi melayu agaknya. Just the beauty that captured my eye.

Then I wondered, when would I indulge the art of hijab, to indulge one step deeper in my religion, my faith.

I ask you one thing dear reader, I saw a woman in a hijab, with a shemale pushing their trolley. Then it occur to me: does one vow to the hijab because its a protocol, a uniform or because they surrender their hearts and souls to Allah S.W.T, to Islam?

You see, to wear a hijab merely is not to "cover" up because as Muslim women, its mandatory. But when its mandatory, it doesn't mean you wear the hijab, you could still live a "liberal", a "modernize" life. A religious life that you adapt to the time, to the era. Wearing, vowing yourself to the hijab, is sacred. You have to perform you 5 pillars devotedly - especially the basic 5 times prayers.

Like the woman I saw with her faithful shemale companion, I wondered, does she even try to dakwah to her fellow friend? Does she not know that its haram, berdosa besar for a man to even try to look like a woman? Oh I'm sure she does, they taught us in our PMR-SPM text books repeatedly. But you know, I guess its her responsibility as well to guide her friend into the path right in the Islamic context, in the eyes of Allah S.W.T. To see her and him to walk buying groceries, I wonder what she thinks of him. I wondered for her: as a woman wearing a hijab, who performs her duties as a Muslim devotedly, will she by any chance help him? Or would she just be mere friends, just as that.

After all, these are all sacred duties.

Thursday, August 07, 2008


Strawberry Swings,
People, trusting the cables. Not falling.

If I was not home, and I was in my mind,
there would be dried leaves on the ground.

The air would be chilly, and the leaves would keep on falling.

If I was not home, and I was in my mind,
strangers would pass by, not say hello,
people I know would be distant.

If I was not home, and I was in my mind,
the streets would not be familiar, subtle about the past.

The air would be chilly, leaves falling and me still me.

If I was not home, and I was in my mind,
the abstract entities would still be the same,
the physical may lie.


Wednesday, August 06, 2008


Because I have a big-fertile family. After having yet another nephew, my aunt, coincidently on her birthday gave birth to her 6th kid. So yes, I have a new baby cousin.

Nizua Imran Haqeem.
Name courtesy of Mama, adik and me. :)

Sunday, August 03, 2008

Money, one man's poison, Jane's cry for help.

What's in a bill note?

I know I sound so stupid to be you know all emotional and tied down with the whole money madness. Even the economy is bad. Even the petrol price is sky high sans the 1st September hype about lowering the petrol price. Basically, the cost of living is increasing by the day. Just the other day, mother was saying that the Enfagrow or was it er Snow-T powder milk costs up to Rm60++ today and back during her kids were infants, they only cost Rm20++.

From the textbooks I've learned that little beads used to signify one's status quo, used to be a symbol of one's greatness. And if I'm not mistaken and correct me if I'm wrong, it used to be er money or some sort? Then came the coins back during the Greek era and it grew from there. Who could forget the inflation due to excessive circulation of Duit Pokok Pisang? Foolish Japs. But then, tis' was ages ago. Japanese Yen have ever since has possessed one of the highest currency rate. But now, it's these paper notes you have. Darn these paper notes.

Think about it, even a primary relationship that consists of two interdependent partners could argue about this whole divisions in the financial department. Even siblings could greed over their deceased parents' inheritance.

Politics. This is a whole different story, and much more hectic since it involves the country's welfare. And, it involves both power and money. Corruption? "Saya Anti-Rasuah"? Read this: BULL SHIT. You tell me where can you find 0 corruption - sans Mecca, the holy land. Nama pun holy land.


Lets take the classic: The whole feud between siblings about the fight of the inheritance. I mean, what the fuck are these people thinking man? Fine yes they have their own financial crisis and all that bull. Again, this is an easy way out. Who doesn't want an easy way out? Its the fastest way and the most foolish and ignorant people would agree to this. Because they're stupid. They do not know how to fall and stand on their two feet.

Spoon fed, biasa lah. Too immune with all the extra helps given until they have forgotten how to stand on their own.

Funny thing is, is how these people would push the boundaries to bring their opponents down. They shout, they scream, pushing away their rationalities. What ever happened to Love? They are in some ways, standing for their rights yes. But it could always be done in a proper manner.

I might be months late, but to sell that house without informing the "legal" and "rightful" people first not days or weeks after, is just well, inhumane I would say.

It does not matter about the whole bill notes,what is in a bill note anyway? It's the inhumane act that hurts people the most.

So basically, this whole barter system evolution has done us good no doubt because it helps you to get what you want. Not only that, people managed to "level" things up, the whole classification of pasar malam goods and designer items. You have the money, you talk. Otherwise, too bad, so sad. You pay extra for better cuttings, colors and designs. You pay mounts of money for better education. You pay more for a better design for your new luxury SoHo suite.

What ever happened to passion? What ever happen to Love, to Humane acts?

People would literally (and metaphorically) kill for money. They would burn the family ties, tight bonds between individuals to win, to satisfy their quench and greed over these bill notes. Because apparently, these mounted bill notes could buy you a better life. Sad to say, yes it can buy you a better life.

But I guess its how you approach of "buying" that better life of yours. You do not need to kill for money. You do not need to disobey the humane acts for money. You do not need to sacrifice love and bondings for money.

I can only hope that people would just realize that really, what is in this piece of bill note?

Pokok pun dah nak berkurang.

Friday, August 01, 2008

Drawing the lines,

"'Politicians should be judged on their politics. Anything else is just gossip and nonsense'"..."'Anyway. People can be weak, in their personal lives. Especially men. It makes no difference.'"

Coe, Jonanthan. The Closed Circle. (2005) London: Penguin.

I actually have things to write, but I'm in a sorry condition myself much like Malaysia. So, I'll just feed you food for your thoughts I guess.

Selamat malam.