Sebab semua dah menjangkau 20-an.

Sudah lama tak masuk blog sendiri, blog orang lain pun dah tak ambil kisah. Tak apa, disebabkan nak menjangkau tahun baru, saya pun hendak mengambil yang jernih kembali. Perbanyakkan input, kalau tidak, pegun sahaja fasa-fasa hidup saya. Jika pegun, bukan kehidupan lah namanya kan?

Dan oleh sebab saya dan kebanyakan kenalan saya sudah menjangkau 20-an, dan ada yang gatal-gatal dah nak berkahwinlah, bertunanglah apa menatang lah, saya syorkan kamu para pembaca untuk membaca ini.

Kelakar dan benar.

Saya mungkin seorang skeptik, dan saya juga mungkin seorang yang romantis. Terpulanglah kepada kamu untuk mentafsirkan sendiri.

Young Grounds.

Young Grounds.

Something I wrote for "A city of shared stories Kuala Lumpur", a project by the British Council Malaysia.

Gefühle und Meinung.

Ironik. Seorang menyatakan, "Perasaan dan soal hati menuturkan kebenaran." Beberapa jam kemudian, orang lain pula menyatakan, "Jangan didengarkan sangat soal hati, tindakan seseorang harus mengikut telunjuk kepala - atau haruslah Rasional." Kelakar juga ada. Aku sebagai pemerhati (di dalam ruang maya Facebook) hanya mampu berketawa dalam hati, "Agaknya mereka melalui fasa hidup yang seakan. Oh, indahnya dunia!"

Persoalannya sekarang: yang manakah harus kita turuti? Bisikan hati, atau laungan rasional?

Memang pada permukaan mudah untuk membuat pilihan. Tentulah pilihan yang rasional! Masakan pula kita hendak mempertaruhkan perasaan kita terhadap sesuatu yang tidak membawa keuntungan fizikal / material? Bukan materialistik, tetapi kita harus memperjuangkan apa yang lebih penting. Dan kepentingan terletak kepada sesiapa yang lebih superior. Darwin lah salah, survival of the fittest konon. Lagipun, yang berfikiran rasional mungkin dapat menjana lagi kepantasan intelektual individu tersebut. Bukan begitu?

Soal hati? Ada apa pada perasaan? Ya, kita semua sibuk mencari kebahagiaan yang tidak pernah tiba. Penantian yang tidak membuahkan hasil. Berapa lama harus kita menunggu? Maka kebanyakan definisi 'kebahagiaan' di letakkan kepada ciri-ciri fizikal, dan material. Kepada sesuatu yang boleh dikesan kehadirannya dengan pancaindera, yang boleh dipegang, dirasa. Sedih, hiba, pilu? Abstrak dan metafizikal semata-mata!

Konsep Etika Kant menekankan akan kepentingan niat individu tanpa menimbangkan konsekuensi aksi individu tersebut. Contohnya, individu A melakukan perbuatan yang melanggari norma sosial seperti penglibatan dalam gejala pelacuran dengan niat untuk melanjutkan akademia anak-anaknya. Adakah beretika perbuatan individu A? Ketepikan soal Agama untuk seketika, lagi pun, agama mainstream mana yang mahu penganutnya mengikut jalan yang keruh tersebut?

Masukkan perspektif Kant dalam contoh tersebut. Jika mengikut perspektif Kant, ya, perbuatan individu A tidak salah. Niatnya tulus, baik, jernih. Mahu lanjutkan pelajaran anak-anaknya! Bukankah yang celik ilmu lebih berkeupayaan untuk berjaya? Meraih apa yang harus diraihkan?

Tetapi, fikirkan konsekuensi anak-anak individu A. Sejauh mana mereka dapat menampung pandangan serong masyarakat terhadap 'karier' bonda mereka? Mungkin mereka mampu bertahan -masyarakat itu seakan-akan mempersoalkan kasih sayang mereka terhadap Bonda. Oh, ceteknya ilmu! Pasti kasih sayang mereka teguh. Mereka bertahan. Bonda yang melahirkan mereka, bonda yang membesarkan mereka, memberi ilmu dan memberi kehidupan. Semuanya, bonda lakukan dengan niat kasih sayang, dan keinginan yang terbaik untuk anak-anaknya.

Berhenti. Bonda (individu A) telah berjaya mencurahkan ilmu kepada anak-anaknya. Mereka mampu berfikir secara kritis dan kritikal. Mereka mendapat ilmu intelektual dari pelbagai benua: Lao Tzu, Aristotle, Rumi, Imam al-Ghazali dsb. Mereka sudah memiliki keupayaan menimbang yang baik dan buruk. Adakah mereka yang sudah dewasa akal fikiran dan fizikal masih mampu memperjuangkan aspek metafizikal dan perasaan (kasih sayang) terhadap bonda? (Lagi pun niat Bonda, tulus dan ikhlas). Atau mereka akan berdiri teguh dengan prinsip intelektual dan rasional? (Konsekuensi sosial, psikologi dsb terhadap individu tersebut mendalam).

(Untuk pemahaman lanjut akan 'Niat', sila baca: http://binfilem.blogspot.com/2009/12/niat-dan-filem.html)

Konflik perasaan dan rasional.

Jika seseorang itu mempunyai 'niat' untuk bertindak seperti yang diinterpretasikan olehnya sebagai yang benar, adakah ini bermaksud bahawa tindakan beliau sememangnya benar terutama oleh parti yang lain? Lagi-lagi, jika konsekuensi tindakan tersebut kebarangkalian negatif - pemangkin kepada kecacatan serta malnutrisi mental dan fizikal parti tersebut. Jika bukan ketara efeknya, mungkin secara dalaman. Mata kasar kita pun, bukannya mikroskopik.

Kalau ditanyakan persoalan ini kepada Kant, beliau mungkin akan memuja 'Niat' seseorang itu.

Tetapi dengan pancaindera kita yang serba kekurangan, 'Niat' seseorang itu, bukanlah kita ketahui sejauh mana 'Tulus' dan 'Ikhlas' pun kan? Mata kita bukan mikroskopik.

Persoalan hati, perasaan dan niat - siapa tahu akan kebenarannya? Sekurang-kurangnya, tindakan Rasional (atau fizikal) berasaskan dorongan intelektual. Jika terjatuh pun, senang mahu bangkit. Boleh dikesan dengan mata kasar. Perkara-perkara metafizikal, melecehkan kadang-kadang - apatah lagi konsekuensi entiti metafizikal lagi mendalam.

Secara keseluruhannya, dalam kehidupan, kita tidak boleh terlalu bergantung kepada suatu ekstrim sahaja. Masakan kita hendak hidup dengan sang Matahari sahaja tanpa Rembulan? Rembulan juga harus hadir. Seperti mana kita telah melihat dunia pada siang hari, seperti itu juga kita harus beristirehat datangnya malam. Yin dan Yang.

Jika sudah dilaluinya metafizikal, operasi Rasional harus dilancarkan, Kapten! Pasif dan aktif.

Kita secara lazimnya memang disebatikan dengan dua kontra. Masakan kita dapat membedakan yang baik dan buruk?

Au Revoir!

Back when I was a kid, I would secretly question the absence of my classmates. Occasionally, they were probably out with their family for a very special outing. Sometimes, something unfortunate. I would secretly envy their joyride and worry of their welfare due to the unfortunate events. Whatever the reason of their absence was, I'm sure some sort of justice had taken place.

To a larger scale, the absence of things may seem somewhat disturbing. It is a familiar feeling/search that most of us can relate to. A feeling where despite we are occupied with things, we still feel empty.

The absence of our catalysts.

We tend to question the absence of these catalysts and lose ourselves within the process. It is quite the irony where we are relatively fighting for our personal Freedom, but yet we know nothing of the ‘absolute’ cause – to be Happy and Fulfilled perhaps. Sure it may lead to Freedom, but what exactly is the Freedom that we’re looking for? Or rather, at what point would the fight be suffice? Where exactly is that point of being, Happy and Fulfilled?

People of the earlier times fought for bigger causes that would directly associate to our well-being (for better or worse), today. The people, for their crumbling kerajaan back in the ancient Malacca days; the Malayan Union and that entire conundrum. Today, Diversity fighting for rights; Melayu, Cina, India ‘dan lain-lain’. It would never be adequate, this fight for Freedom. (We’re just lucky by the way, there weren’t any cow heads directly involved today – considering the whole Shah Alam incident. There was makan-makan involving meat, however).

Just like when I was a kid, I wonder still; not of the absentees in class, but the absence of the absentees in life.

Maybe that’s just our problem right there. We think too much, even with the already filtered inputs to our (dys)functional heads. We look at the polarized ends, we have forgotten about the entity that is holding and bridging the two ends together - our dear selves.

There are no absolute catalysts of our lives. We make them as our catalysts. We do justice to the absence.

It isn’t about the occasional special outing, the ticket to joy that I envied or the unfortunate events that worried me. It’s the inability to embrace the absence of things, like the joy ride I don’t occasionally get.

We looked too far towards the end; we forgot that our catalysts of life are within the absence. Sometimes, the catalyst is the absence itself. Both the joy ride, and the unfortunate events.

Maybe what we really seek for is a state where we are cognitively Free.

Let's get out of this country.

Let me tell you something wicked, something probably so familiar to you. The feeling of being in between two entities that are so well apart and polarized but blend just in the right proportion. But that is just the tricky part of it. It could be you getting the best of both ends, or it could be you being pushed into different extremes.

Take Tanah Melayu for example. Many decent decades ago Malacca has one of the best ports around. You know the whole systematic concepts and such. And even the Malay language was used dominantly. But it's no good to dwell in the past they say, and we shall not dwell. We move forward.

And forward, we have the excerpts of many polarized identities different from our own. Actually, I don't even think we have a sole identity that is truly ours. These multiple identities of ours have been evolving from time to time, perhaps in allign with social Darwinism. We adapt ourselves hence our identities in parallel with the changes of the physical world, to survive. All these alterations we make.

But like Tanah Melayu also, we are a mixture of polarized cultures. Both the Eastern and Western teachings or perhaps fundamentals, principles, ideologies. I don't know, maybe a schema that we somewhat abide to. The whole nurtured or natured fundamentals of our souls and conscience. The ones that derived us to act or speak as such.

The thing is that, it could be the best of both ends or it could be the other way round. The clash of two different extremes that aren't proportionately mixed, causing such bad chemical reaction of different cultures, ideologies, fundamentals and identities.

Like Tanah Melayu (perhaps Malaysia) too, being in between of two polarized ends could end up in exaggerated gestures of political dramas, social fluctuations or anything as sort. These kind of things in our daily lives that need our reflections between who we are, who we can be, or who we want to be.

The different colors of the pH scale, like the different aspects of our fundamentals. The two ends of the pH scale, one may be too acidic and otherwise. Although neutral sounds good, but don't tell me you want to end up colorless the rest of your numbered days?

Obviously, it is not about the country. It is about the individual.

Now my feet won't touch the ground.

The search for novelties was rather interesting. Well it should be interesting that the whole search had made me feel rather different. Different, but not entirely. You know? Even the emptiness inside isn't precisely empty nor entirely full. So it is probably somewhat like an undefined state not completed by the experts, a state that probably is in between the state of half empty or half full.

The undefined state. Some might say it is somewhat being like a zombie. You're not occupied but you're not that preoccupied either. Or perhaps it could be senseless, only it is not entirely senseless as hot is still hot, cold is still cold. Everything remains the same but not quite everything is still the same.

Where phone calls are preferably screened, and text messages unworded further.

The condition where daily routines are just what they are or perhaps just like how they were, only as the minutes and hours had passed they do not give me much annoyance. And routines don't entirely get to my nerves. The state where the future is near, and possible plans are plotted semantically but the boost of motivation hasn't done much boosting at all. Where roads of the past are travelled unconsciously.

Where deliberations of inhibiting are made. Possibly exhibited by a mixture of both the will and force.

So dear good sir/madam, if you do know such state or find it rather familiar, would you be kind enough to share your experience with me?

Maybe novelties.

Maybe, this is what it is about you know? Questioning the ideals, the beyond reach. The things that are so high up, so clear, so wide. Maybe even sacred.

But with one condition, we need to try to keep our feet on the ground while trying to reach the distant ideals. Of course, some cheat by building sky scrappers and some send men in white suits to explore the ideals. But many of us, we are just common people. Not much of power, not much of overloaded bank accounts.

So how do we really reach the ideals from these grounds?

I am just dried out of the right words. Maybe because I deliberately inhibted the connotations of my words.

Mein kampf und Neuheiten

Mungkin begini lumrah menjangkau usia yang selanjutnya. Konsep kehidupan yang basi akan rutin harian, dan on repeat. Yang menyerapkan inti-inti kebosanan dalam diri kita. Membuat kita mula menyoal akan pembaharuan, akan the other greener side. Dan yang paling kritikal, menyoal akan the self.

Mungkin kita tidak bersendirian di dalam perjuangan-perjuangan yang memakan diri kita secara fizikal mahupun abstrak. Tetapi kita bersendirian melayani kerenah dan intipati yang kompleks di dalam kepala otak masing-masing kerana manusia berbeza. The f differences that differ us all.

Dari mana datangnya keyakinan terhadap the self dalam seseorang?

Pengajaran yang tersirat tentu diselitkan di antara rutin-rutin harian yang mula membasi. Namun cabaran untuk menghadapi rutin-rutin harian dipenuhi dengan perasaan cinta dan benci. The classic love-hate relationship. Inti kehidupan yang tidak berjawapan, the source of your drive and motivation is the very source to suck you dry.

Punca motivasi seseorang tidak mempunyai batasan atau had penghadang. Punca-punca motivasi ini terdiri daripada punca fizikal, abstrak ataupun kedua-duanya. You know, the whole essences like love and sorts or physical ones.

Dan kita mulai bergantung erat akan punca-punca motivasi (dan demotivasi) sampai ke tahap kita sandar dan menjadi dependent akan punca-punca ini. Membolehkan sumber-sumber ini bercampur aduk dengan identiti kita yang berbilang.

You are apart of me, hence you have a piece of me. 

Dan apabila hubungan klasik di dominasi oleh aspek benci, dan memanipulasi aspek cinta kemungkinan untuk kehilangan the ideal self meningkat. Penglihatan kita kabur. 

And that is when Novelties would save your conscience. Persekitaran yang asing membuka aspek yang baru kepada kita tidak kira bagaimana sikit atau banyaknya unsur asing tersebut. Memberi faktor-faktor baru untuk dipertimbangkan. Memberi pengertian kepada rutin harian. 

Memberi pengajaran tentang the self. 

Ahora.

Do you feel like you are alive at this very moment?

Kalau saya nak lari.

Maybe I should change to a new blog. What do you think?

Sort of like a new race, only not entirely new. But it somehow contradicts the whole principle you know?

But look at the blog's address. I think tis' a sign of aging.

The beautiful living thing.

I am in love. Only it is non-living- if its based on the biological definition. As for me, it is pretty much alive. Maybe even immortal at least for as long as the world still orbits around the suria and the universe is still left unexplored entirely. Dynamic entity.

I think I'm in love. With a living thing, a beautiful one. Unrequited even.

ASK my tiny friend.

Saya rindu Bebe!

A hold of the heart.

Kalau aku adalah aku, engkau sememangnya engkau. Kalau aku adalah engkau, engkau mungkin aku.

Kalau kita adalah kita, aku adalah aku dan engkau adalah engkau. Kalau aku dan engkau adalah kita, we are both mutable and adaptable maybe even compatible.

Tetapi dengan syarat, engkau tahu bahawa engkau adalah engkau.

"In my heart you grow,"

Tiny gestures spread like wildfire 
in the self.

I now know in definite,
have you?

How much longer, sir?

For outputs, there must be inputs. For inputs, there shall be indulgence. Perhaps a long, intense embrace. Also, there shall not be ignorance. 

Or yourself fighting against yourself. Have you not heard?

One's greatest enemy, is oneself. Maybe in any forms at all. Egocentrism, and all that. Those little substances that had built you along your "journey". For the destination doesn't matter as much as the journey(ies). 

For outputs, one shall embrace inputs. To embrace inputs, one shall seek light in search of inputs. Could be in any forms at all. Could even be your greatest enemies - happiness, dreams, egocentrism, loneliness, irrationality etc.

Could one be so afraid of being happy? That when happiness comes flooding, peace assimilate to your mind and soul; your enemy questions of the rush of happiness. 

As if such state of bliss is mere illusion, metaphysical states that when materialized, you're too afraid to embrace. 

A fucking phantasmagoria. Fantasies materialized? It is as if having little fairies flying into your bedroom window, and you flying into Neverland.

The so called "ultimate output". The never-ending search for a state of bliss. Peace. At ease.

But to embrace inputs, we are ought to have doubt. Like the mad (somewhat genius) writer embracing love, and self-reflecting. The drunk poet embracing loneliness in the streets of Frankfurt. The pseudo-soulmate in our heads that facilitate our lives.

Embrace this, like how I embrace this sudden rush of emotions. Embrace this, like how you'd embrace your sudden rush of emotions. 

Embrace this, like you know that you are being embraced by yours truly, metaphorically.


I wonder; how much longer, sir?

Lanjutnya Malam,

Nyanyian mereka bernadakan angan-angan,
Tentang inti lamunan yang melimpah-limpah.

Ke awangan, untuk mengopek cebisan awan.

Nyanyian mereka, ku dengari seharian;
tentang inti lamunan,
yang sebenarnya kosong apabila direalisasikan.

Kosong, seperti yang pernah aku katakan.

Persis, tetapi memakan dalaman.

Hm. 

Where I've really been. Or where I still am?

Definite, indefinite. Apparently we are all here indefinite of the things in lives. Walking, jogging, maybe running towards the something(s) that would clarify the definites. Almost absolute definites.

I am tired of this cognitive war.

Tired, of mentally walking and running from the things that scare me. Tired, of mentally walking and running towards the things that facilitate life. Tired, of abstractly chasing the possible selves; the ideal self.

Indefinite of what we are supposed to learn from these phases. On how we're supposed to juggle these shitty colorful, plastic balls. On how we are to manage the entire system and plan the plans ideally.

On the real meanings on what this entire thing is really about.

Indefinite of the definites. Definite of the indefinites.


Boleh jadi gila, tau tak?

Eeeeee, ada ke?

Mengulas tentang isi esei walhal Cicero dan anak muridnya secara general.

"Oh, that's so shallow, honey!"

Honey, I think you'd be the shallow one since you think it's shallow of me to think as such. Tak pernah dengar ke, esse est percipi. Frames of references, associations of prior knowledge and novelties. Hence, fucking subjectivity. Thus, your semantic ambiguity is made up of that lah, DUH!

And out of a sudden, I'm shallow. I'm gonna blow your mind with AKAB's gun, since he got rid of it and all.

Or is it just me, being egocentric?

Dunia Gelap.

Terlantar di atas tilam empuk.
Aku, sebagai penghuni hanya
mengikut kehendak.

Dia yang perkasa dan punyai
kebebasan, ternyata.

Aku, hanya bisa menerokai
ruang, maya.

Dia, statik terlantar; mendongak
ke lelangit kamar.

Aku, seorang peneroka.

Mencari kebebasan, keterujaan, ketenangan,
keindahan, kenyataan, keagamaan. 
Tulen. 

Satu, dua, tiga langkah terukir.
Aku dan Dia bersebati,
menjalani kehidupan - tanpa dua entiti.

Menyanyi riang, bersama adinda.

Mumm-RA!

"Only the journey is written, not the destination"

Mummy Returns.

Mirror images

In compiling parts of an essay from different individuals; it excites me that the similar subject is seen from different viewpoints.

Esse est percipi. 

Peperangan Cognitive,

Mereka bilang semuanya hanya permainan minda. 

Benar, aku hanya berbalas dengan rentak kepala. 
Aku pun hidup mengalunkan prinsip itu.

Seakan dan seiring dengan sejuta perihal dunia; 
mudah diperkatakan.

Tetapi, untuk dilaksanakan; 
suatu persoalan yang tiada peleraian.

Bacalah, diseru untuk membaca.
Bukan hanya kini, dan sekarang,
namun bekalan tiba besok, dan lusa.

Apabila tiba hari-hari yang kita sedia 
untuk menoleh ke belakang dan berbisik,

"Intrusive thinking is a bitch, but hey;
it got me here."

Because you're interesting,

"Nadrah, I really think you should meet my friend,"

"Whatever for?"

"You kept saying you wanted to meet someone interesting.. So I thought of patching you two up."

Memang aku terus tukar topik general lah. Ada ke? I can meet someone interesting at anytime, only I don't want to. Faham?

Intrusive thinking is a bitch, okay tak ada kena mengena.

Persis, adalah aku dan mereka.

Mereka datang. Mereka pergi.
Bukan mengikut kehendak mereka,
namun rentak emosi aku.

Persis, melaungi melodi dan irama
nada buah pemikiran mereka.
Kedengaran.

Punyai bernih.

Mereka teriak.
Aku menyahut riang,
berdansa mengikut rentak, berlagu.

Engkau.

Kosong.

Mereka datang. Mereka pergi.
Bagaikan musim yang tidak konsisten.

Jangan persoalkan mereka,
tanyai aku. 

Walaupun aku tidak tahu.

Engkau.

Seperti soalan cepumas kehidupan.

Aku persis menyoal.

Girl with one eye,

Dalam single Rachael Yamagata yang baru, Elephants, dia mendendangkan tentang how people should sleep with an eye open, just to be on the safe side - being falling in love and all.

Namun, Florence menyanyikan tentang konsep yang begitu lain tentang gadis bermata satu.

Mata satu. Mata satu. Tak lah, cakap je.

Malas nak menulis lah, banyak assignment.

Ke(a)wangan.

Aku mahu kecapi awangan.

Mungkin bukan awangan,

tapi seakan-akan.

Sesuatu yang berada di atasan.

Mengapai bidang langit yang membiru,

luas. 

Tiada had batasan.

Aku mahu kecapi.

Tapi, aku tidak mahukan sayap,

burung besi atau yang seakan.

Aku mahu kecapi,

dengan cara aku tersendiri.

Tapi, apa?

There were days I don't think poems are corny. But, today I do. 

The year that was, (3)

Unintended, Muse

You could be my unintended

Choice to live my life extended
You could be the one I'll always love
You could be the one who listens to my deepest inquisitions
You could be the one I'll always love

Ill be there as soon as I can
But Im busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before

First there was the one who challenged
All my dreams and all my balance
She could never be as good as you

You could be my unintended
Choice to live my life extended
You should be the one I'll always love

I'll be there as soon as I can
But Im busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before

I'll be there as soon as I can
But Im busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before

Before you

2006. On text messaging - studying for Kimia:
A: Who are you?
B: Your deepest inquisition.
A: Muse?
B: Yeah.

I dare you to move now, deepest inquisition.

The blame game,

Saya tipu bila saya kata tak kisah. Betul, saya tak tipu.

Tak tau lah nak cakap macam mana. Tapi, saya tak tipu. 

Saya tak nak tipu, tapi merunsingkan kepala otak, jadi saya tipu.

Jadi, jikalau saya tipu dan tak tipu dalam sekaligus - apa kamu nak buat?

Nothing. I knew it. Malas lah saya, menyampah juga.

Baca buku lagi best. 

8-). 8, fucking -).

Tentang Percintaan.

Boy A: What's your stand on guys who approach girls at your local kopi shop? Fear is such a big mofo to guys.

"It's a new approach to dating? Personally, I'd turn them down. Gila infatuated by physicals je!"

Boy B: How's life? No boys at college?

"Banyak je. Not interested. Drama je kang"

Girl A: Rindu berpacaran

"Rindu jugak"

Boy A: Shallow girls are a big turn off. Physicals first, intellects next.

"How can you tell if she's an intellectual? Btw, intellectual boys are rare species"

And I have found one intellect. Satu. One. Uno. Oi, aku kat sini oi! 

'Someday,'

Plans. We all make them. Major or minor, we all make them. It could be just a small arrangment to meet up over supper, or it could be a major one regarding our dreams. That investment you plan to grow whilst you live up for a couple of years.

The thing about plan is that it helps us go through unfamiliar grounds. Foreign emotions, alien environments, strange situations. We think plans would help us go through those, or at least ease the burden. Inconsistencies aren't exactly our expertise in our lives, because we adapt to the consistencies of our lives. Really, even the Circadian Cycle has the whole 24-hour and 25-hour concept.

A slight change can disrupt our physiological and psychological equilibrium.

Sure we can be ready to face them in the future. I mean, we have the help of our darling wiser and aged generations namely our family, closed acquaintances and such. They could facilitate by their tales. But really, they are mere stories. Much like what we watch on the telly or read in books.

We could have our lives plan out. We could have the whole financial scheme, and the hope that life will be much ease. We could sign up for family planning, telling you the appropriate time to have kids and what not. We could have the rough draft of where to work, where to pursue your Masters.

But would all these things immune the self from the alien routines, and emotions? From the much bigger things to come in the future. That giant leap(s) of faith.

What if, things that were not part of the plan occur?

You could have been in the Dean's List your entire tertiary study life, but still be unemployed. You could have graduated a Summa for all I care, but you don't have the ability to be an outstanding employee.

You could expect a miniature you a little too early.

And you think to yourself, this was not part of the plan. What do I do next? Do I bend and break? Sink or swim? Adapt or flow?

Your frames of references, they'd grow weirder too. Adapting baby aliens into your life. Soon, you might speak in some weird ass alien language. Illuminating some weird lime green light from your eyes. Hence, changes the way how you perceive the world.

Or the people you stumbled once upon ancient time ago, they'd be humans. And you, an alien.

Good, because you see world in a different manner. Not conforming nor complying. You stand true to your grounds. After all, aliens have this so called 'advanced' technology than we humans. Lightyears ahead. Bad, if it does not make sense or worse, if aliens are just fictional.



Saya takut lah. Sangat unpredictable hidup kita ni. Tak boleh navigate entirely.

But if you have your iPod on shuffle, that's a different story.

Glamarous, Indie Rock and Roll.

Indie. Independence. Conformity. Collectivism. Individualists. Compliance.

Entah. Agak-agaknya, macam mana? Malas lah nak bercerita pasal ni, banyak blog yang sudah membuat ulasan tentang isu ini. Isu lahirnya generasi 'intellektual', 'unik', 'indie' atau 'individualistik'. It's like fucking 'Renaissance' dalam dunia globalisasi. Lagipun, pos-pos lama aku mungkin ada unsur hatred tentang orang yang conform dan menjatuhkan nilai significant suatu unsur sosial yang unik.

Kalau kita banyakkan lagi pos macam ni, nilai significant nukilan ni lagi turun. The bloody currency. Macam duit daun pisang. Kita tak nak lah jadi macam kat Indonesia, berjuta-juta rupiah. Tetapi, beberapa ratus je. Not cool, my friend. Macam tipu diri sendiri je.

Makan pizza, dengar Bat for Lashes baca untuk kuiz besok lagi best.

Sayang korung.

Superzlan.

"Haih you of all ppl i expect nt to be fooled nad."

Good boy friend, on my petty life events.  

I smiled reading this, because although he was partially mocking me, but at least he knows me well enough to know that in mundane circumstances I know what to do and what not to do. Only this one, it has a little twist.

And he knows well enough what this is about when I texted,

"I'm not going to say it. Because I always say the same thing to you, you'll get bored."

The year that was, (2)

Sebab Coldplay suka sangat pergi Singapore. Benci. Sebab lagu ni, sudah sangat berkurun - 9 tahun. Dan juga, sebab you and I are almost in our 20s. 

Yellow, Coldplay.

Look out the stars, look how they shine for you,
and everything you do. 
They were all yellow.

I came along, I wrote a song for you.
And all the things you do, and it was called yellow.

So then I took my turn, oh what a thing to have done 
And it was all yellow.

Your skin, oh, your skin and bones.
Turn into something beautiful.
You know, you know I love you so.
You know, I love you so.

I swam across. I jumped across for you.
Oh, what a thing to do. 
Cause you were all yellow.

I drew a line, I drew a line for you.
Oh, what a thing to do.
And it was all yellow.

Your skin, oh yeah your skin and bones.
Turn into something beautiful.
Do you know, for you I'd bleed myself dry.
For you, I bleed myself dry.

It's true. Look how they shine for you.
Look how they shine for you.

I have always said that people are persistent but never myself. I believe strongly in schematas, because they build these idealistic concepts be it on anything or anyone at all. Unlike most of my mental frames, this is one of those ancient schemas that have been persistent every now and then. And Yellow, might have been the starting point. 

E²=MC.

The thing about me and exams is that, we're never good buddies. No, really. Never. Exams, they chew my head off with their super extraordinary sharpen teeth. They too, argue a hell lot with my mind. It gets really annoying, and can eat me from the inside.

But then again, who are ever good buddies with Exams?

They say, keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer. So I did. Exams. Enemies. E² = MC. Mind corruption, bukan MC Hammer, Can't Touch This. Saya curi Einstein punya formula asal, E = mc². Sebab saya bercita-cita nak jadi genius macam dia.

Back when I was sitting for my public exam, SPM; I kept comparing my grades with the other Smart Asses in class. You see, 5B is full with the smarty pants. No, really. 14 A1s, 12 A1s, 11A1s, 9 A1s. And blog readers, you have seen my results kan? So yes. Pressure kot.

But that's not the point. Have you ever ask yourself what really differentiates the top, average and the not-so-outstanding students (in the context of grades)? 

Active and Passive learners. The whole associations between prior and new knowledge. The concept of schema etc.

Apart from that, it's just the bloody war inside your head and your mind. Self pre-occupying intrusive thinking. From the book, they say that one who has a stronger power motive has a higher tendency to experience self pre-occupying intrusive thinking; neuroticisim.

I just have one question: How on earth do you people keep your psychological equilibrium in tact before exam papers?

At the end of the day, psychological equilibrium is still the shiznit. It's the bloody core, yaw.

(Ipat kat hayap hal kan detarrevo nak eerged ygolohcysp ualak uak taub tsuj rof eht ekas fo ti)

"Bizarre love triangle,"

Love. Cinta. Infatuation. Sayang.

People date around. People meet new people. People reminisce about people from the past. People fall in love. People get infatuated. People love.

I am generalizing that come February throughout April of every year, relationships break. Habits dissolve. Love, may or may not remain. I generalize because the people around me shatter during these months of every year. A collective information.

But that's about relationships, habits and affections - the whole exclusive dating. Love, may or may not remain. Sternberg's Triangle of Love claims that there are three main components in Love - Intimacy, Passion and Commitments.

Once, I asked, and the question still remains: If being in love is only made for two people, what happens to the others who might be in love with either of the two?

No, nothing like that at all. You see, as I said, people meet new people, people reminisce about the people from the past. People claim they fell in love with a particular person from the past.

Many years down the road, these people have bundled a collective amount of traits, characteristics, like and dislikes, perceptions, personality, philosophy of that specific somebody. These people can even write a book about that particular person for all I care. 

But that's just about it. These people just look from afar. They get tongue tied when they meet, but you swear, you can feel that electricity. You swear, the intensity of the bloody chemistry is at the highest volt from Milgram Experiment. But the perfect words never seem to come.

At the same time however, these people meet new people. They think of that specific somebody every now and then, even before they go to sleep. Get connected through a satellite and some over-rated tool of communication like the online social network. 

And so they start to distinct that specific sombedy and the new people. Infatuations for the specific somebody. And date around with the new people, probably a light for Love. For a future, to achieve somewhat a piece of Happiness. To reproduce. To fulfil that norm of being an adult and to have a family to call your own.

But at the same time, persistence of this so called Infatuation is just so high at its own momentum. Even if these people date around with the new people, that specific somebody is just so powerful. However, these people feel somewhat incomplete without that specific somebody - distinctions or no.

(or maybe it's just the idealistic schema that these people have made for that particular somebody?) One who complements. 

So, is it still Infatuation? There you go, your very own Signal Fire.

The year that was,

Lagu-lagu, menjadi suatu bahan yang dapat meluahkan perasaan kita. Lirik-lirik lagu, menjadi suatu puisi seragam yang menyatukan semua insan yang melalui fasa yang seakan dengan kita. Namun, seperti medium yang lain di dalam kehidupan kita, lagu-lagu pupus dari ingatan kita setelah di ganti dengan yang baru. 

Tetapi, apabila kita terdengar kembali lagu-lagu zaman lalu, kita tersenyum sendirian. Kerana lagu-lagu ini, telah menjadi teman baik kita, seusia yang lalu.

Crumbs, Disagree

Big World, says he wants to
see the light for once.
Well, maybe if you try.

It's so sad, babe don't look so sad.
I've got it wrong today.

And if she doesn't go your way,
look up to blue skies and say,
"Hey, it's okay".

I've been wrong today,
I've been wrong always.
I've been wrong so,
won't you come my way?
I was wrong today.

Ketika lagu ini sakan diudarakan di radio, diputarkan saban hari, aku hampir menduduki PMR. Cuba memahami apa ertinya apabila seseorang itu dimanipulasikan. Sibuk membeli album Disagree, At The End of The Day. Dan diberitahu bahawa Crumbs, kedengaran lebih baik di dalam Homemade Jam.

Use Somebody

Who wakes up early (and by this I mean at 5 a.m. to 6 a.m.) on a Saturday morning? A handful from my friends list I suppose. Even if they are awake, they were probably partying/socializing last night.

Being the nice sister, I dropped Adik at school for Merentas Desa. Okay actually, am only nice when I need to use the car. So I just had to drop him first because I wanted to meet my kawan for breakfast, at 7.30 a.m.

And I think you should try driving in the morning slowly. Wind the windows down, and on your playlist at a satisfactory volume. In this case, Band of Horses.

My kawan and I hardly meet up due to our respective packed schedules. You know, college workloads and shits. So the nature of the relationship is that mild adequate one. Besides, we see each other every single week day out of Sekolah Menengah lives. So you know, probably once every two weeks.

We hardly talk on the phone, or even SMS. Only on occasions. So I guess it's pretty much an independent nature. Nothing too clingy.

We talk of stuff that we reflect much throughout our daily lives. Talk of her aspect of perceptions, and mine. And somehow, in every intense conversations, Holocaust came into topic. Movies that are related to the Holocaust, books etc. (Bukan Valkyrie je okay)

And we talk of relationships, and commitments. Of how probably it might just be a 'conditioned' way of life. You know that 'conditioned' way to find happiness. Infant, child, teen, adult, marriage, kids etc.

Is that the only way to find happiness? Or, find your true self? Or, to fulfill the conditioned norm? Or, simply to reproduce to preserve the traits? Or maybe you're just selfish? Entah.

And how we need to see the world, see other cultures. But then reason out that probably if you stay long in one culture, you assimilate to it.

And wonder maybe that is why there are people who move from one place to another. To not assimilate to one. To not be too comfortable. Pick up bits and pieces of life from here and there. You know?

And the dreams that we attached at the back of our minds, and how we're working towards them.

How one medium can be seen in different perceptions. From her eyes, and from mine. How the movie revolved from Iran, to Germany etc. How the timeline influenced how we dress, we think, we perceive.

And it's not the kind where you dictate the person's perception, trying to change the way he/she thinks. No, nothing like that at all. It's the neutral nature where you listen, you speak, and you reflect back. It's nothing too emotionally intense. Just that mild adequate nature.

Then it occur to me; the answer is Complementary.

Someone who speak of similar grounds, but complements through the different perceptions.One who gets me inspired, because I am easily inspired. I am dreamy, eh salah, I am a fucking dreamer.

"Someone like you, and all you know, and how you speak.  I hope, it's gonna make you notice, someone like me" Use Somebody, KoL.

Didn't I try to tell you that you're somewhat like that intrinsic motive? Because I'm half as brilliant as you are.

3-4 tahun yang lampau,

Dengan semangat nak menunjuk kepada adik prestasi di sekolah aku back when I was his age (14), aku cari balik kad laporan di rak-rak buku.

Aku belek-belek mukasurat, mencari Tingkatan 2A. Saja nak menunjuk kat dia, matematik aku terer dulu. Tapi Agama, Geografi dan Bahasa Malaysia - dia menang ah.

Lepas moment kebangaan aku, aku dah malas. Kembali ke gua menelaah. Tetapi, dia muncul kembali dengan Buku Laporan berwarna biru di tangannya.

Dia telah advance ke 2005. I'm dead.

"Ujian Bulanan Ogos 2005" (Tingkatan 4B)

BM 8E, BI 3B, Pendidikan Islam 9G, Sejarah 4B, Matematik 3B, Matematik Tambahan 9G, Fizik 9G, Kimia 9G, Biologi 9G.

Wtf, trust me, I have never gotten so many Fails (and red pen) in my life. SPM okay je. Tapi I am not your 12 A1s' girl lah. 

RINDU SEKOLAH. I'm in my third year degree life, I still feel like a kid.

1995.

Orang selalu minta dipanjangkan umur. Tapi, kalau umur sudah dilanjutkan, the life within isn't all that bright, macam mana?

It has been 14 years. And at times like these, I'm not a soldier.

Matters that are on hold.

You know what I envy about others? Is that they are so fucking sure of what they want. They are not indecisive like I am. They are sure of what they want. Or so they seem to appear.

You know, answering questions objectively. Like me, I'd always answer, "depends on what aspect you're looking for" or, "depends" or, "see lah".

So yes, I am fucking envious of people who can make their decisions objectively. You know, the direct, "Yes" or "No".

But with me, it's a totally different story. And so, I put things on hold. After all, it's bliss - all these silence. 

Destinasiku.

Emotionally involved.

You asked me, what about it. You know, things just don't happen for several reasons and you just let the reasons reason you out. No, not really.

Communication, has its flaws. Words are just words. So we reassure ourselves. Have a little faith, built into something that can't really be proven due its abstract entity.

And so we live. Probably living the superficial even. We reassure ourselves again. But this is it. We live. Live in align with the time for once. Not a little too fast than the second - plotting the future. Not a little too slow - dwelling in ancient history. This is it. We are at the same speed with time.

But the flaws catch up just in time. Words, are ambiguous. The last perceptions and interpretations, are based on the receivers.

I'm just not much of a big fan for it now. Destinasiku, so its mine. Solely.

Safe trip home.

Ramai orang bercinta di keliling aku sebenarnya.  

I look at a young girl with the father,  I look at a woman on the phone, I look at couples walking, I look at older men talking intimately to younger ladies, younger generations casually with their public display of affections.

I don't think I can do any of these. I just think it is for stronger people. Whatever it may be, infatuation, fatuos, romance, affections, passion, love. All for stronger people.

Milk.

Bangun pagi, I'd always make my way downstairs first, to make coffee. Then I'd continue with work. So I did.

Mix, mix. Stir. First sip. Wanted to puke, stale milk.

"Maa, susu basi dah lah"

"TAK lah, Mama baru minum . . . (nag nag)"

"Basi, seriously, try minum"

""TAK lah, kan Mama dah kata jangan nak beli susu ni, susu ni tak sedap. Beli Magnolia,"

"Basi lah Ma, seriously," So I took a new glass, and pour the stale milk. Took the first sip, my system rejected it. And Mama drank it.

"TAK lah. Next time beli je Magnolia, kan Mama dah cakap, (continues nagging)"

The mug was put aside, I don't really care about the coffee anymore. Except maybe I kinda need coffee right now, But that's beside the point. I went back to my room, I smirked.

So, you got to understand why I, Siti Nadrah binti Mustafa, am one hell of a stubborn girl. Blame the traits. And the milk is stale, to me at least. Believing is seeing, or seeing is believing?

Weekly random

"Nadrah, what kind of guy would you date? Someone who is the same as you?"

"Hmmm, depends on what aspect when you mean similar"

"In general,"

(long pause. I hate generals. Can be from ANY aspects, like philosophy, interests, intellects, books, food, music, etc etc etc etc etc)

"Someone who is similar and also complementary"

Every week, pasti ada soalan random tentang relationships dari collegemate aku. Boleh mati nak jawab. 

Mother instinct.

I'd like to have decent conversations now and then. Keeps me going.

So I hung out with 2 wonderful women this heaty noon. They talked of the economy and politics, which I just listened. 

They talked of financial standings - both their own companies and their personal accounts. They talked of investments, insurances, and how to lessen tax. Made me wondered. Then I thought of how you'd make a great Accountant, and how you'd still remain as a What If.

Then they talked of multitasking, and men - their husbands. I laughed, its a result of feminism really. Thank Wolstoncraft and all.

Maybe I should hire Mama as my PA to manage my finance when I'm older. I tell you, gila siot this woman, its from A to Z, maybe even micro Zs. 

Call me once I'm a woman myself. 

Now, can I have my deeper conversations? 

Its raining, suckers.

What happens if a person clouds your day? 

The rain pours, and our days are not as hot.

Impulsive gravity and the language of life.

Wisdom comes along with age, so they say.

Apparently, age is measured accordingly to tell whether you are experienced enough. It doesn't matter whether you're Jamal from Slumdog Millionaire, who had lost his mother due to religions differences when he was probably 4-5. Was apart of a syndicate where kids were made to beg along the streets, cheated to live in the streets of India. But when he was probably around 18-20, and he entered Who Wants to Be A Millionaire, and was just a question away from being a Millionaire, people could not believe it.

He was a cheat, they assumed. He's too young to be too knowledgeable. He's too young to know life, to taste life or even to talk of life. In fact, he can be said ridiculous to be apart of the show because he believed the love of his life would be watching. No, wise men said, only fools rush in. And Jamal here my friend, is a fool for believing in his own belief on the love of his life.

It is funny really, it became a cliche sentence when I said "I just want to gain experience," when I started filling my school holidays with part-time jobs since I was 16 (sans the extra cash). I didn't really know what it meant. I just say it for the sake of saying it, because it is cliched.

But then I realized. Experience is the anecdote in life, true that. But it does not necessarily come along with the years you have lived the earth. Experiences are not measured by your teenage years, your twenties, your thirties, your fourties, your fifties, your sixties. 

Life events occur every now and then. How significant your life events are, are depending on you. It does not mean that you have lived up almost to your thirties, you have seen more than what I have seen. And does not mean just because you are much older than some of us, you have the better rights to talk of life in general.

It is just not the matter of how numerical your experiences are. It is how impulsive your life experiences are, at any age at all.

People, grow into adults and mature along with age - to the unfortunates however, they just remain immature. Along maturity, comes the sense of respecting people even if they are inferior to you in figures. Maturity comes when you listen or read of people's perceptions and not blindy say that you are simply not riped enough to talk of life. Because really, we all go through similar phases with different consequences of life events. Resulting of different perceptions of the world, of other individuals, the society - in other words, life in general.

Its the same as a young superior collegue at your workplace. You just don't feel right working under a younger person. You feel your superior is not riped enough, haven't seen how things are really done in the business. 

I don't know, if you ask me, everybody can talk of life and their personal perceptions of life. I mean, it is subjective. It is just that the level of how we perceive the two big Ls (love and life) are different.

And when you read, you got to understand that there are differences in our perceptions' levels - because really, everybody just do not have the same perception as you do.

"You hold my hand, but do you really need me?"

Do you know why I think Love is overrated? Because it fucking is.

They go all over and meet people, stumble, fall hard. Fall out, fall deeply again. Then fall out again. The significant value of the "big-L" just deteriorate every single second.

Then comes the nourishing, the tender and dear, soft skin-to-skin contact. The kind whispers and gestures. The kiddy giggles, the eye contacts. The deep conversations, the exchange of life stories.

The rowdy arguments, the hatred gestures. The non-verbal ques that are so reluctant. The muffled anger, the subtle envy. The contradicting thoughts, beliefs, principles, goals, grounds etc.

Go and watch Benjamin Button, tell me, would you care and love that one person in whatever condition they are in?

Because you never know what life has in store for us. They could turn blind when they reach 37, they could meet a tragic accident that will leave them a permanent brain damage, they could carry a deadly disease at 45.

And we both know the wedding vows you made will mean the whole world on your wedding day. But as time passes, sickness become an irritation, their flairs are their very flaws.

Mid-life crisis here and there, marriages lack in intercourses, spouses "exploring" the boundaries.

And do you know why Emotional-Impulsive acts do not complement your ego? Because we start to love and care. Because then, we tend to self-sympathize ourselves when things fall out of place. Self-pity by the way, is just not awesome.

Maybe you can get Love anywhere, even 'True' ones. But Unconditional Love, bless us souls.

I want to watch Benjamin Button again.

Hot Floss,

"It's not me, it's you"

"Serial Killer Lover"

"Part time lover"

At times, I want to be much of an Emotional-Impulse kind of a person. You know, burst into words when events occur. Although most of time it is irrational.

But, sometimes  I just want to, you know? I'm too egoistic at times.

Quoted phrases from above are just some printed tees my friends and I came across over window-shopping. Seriously, even the printed tees were celebrating the hype. Dude.

Why can't my browser load facebook? ~!@#$%^&*  "Could not locate remote server, wtf"

1:12,

You know how much of a planner/schemer am I?

I have the exact phrase I want to post come Saturday. Jeng jeng jeng.

Take 5

I hate it when somebody tells me to "Chill," repeatedly. 

I like it when textbooks are my buddies accompanied with good music and trusty stationaries. I adore my love/hate relationship with 'em academic stuff.

I like your random notes, buat lagi lah.

I need another ringgit to buy myself that one of those cute heart cookies on a stick being sold at college, just for the sake of the hype.

Days passed by, and people from the past are passing invitations. I am content to bridge the gap in between.

Mama and adik are awesome, only when they are disturbing the process of absorbing knowledge.

I think that "Random" tags on facebook are making me writing these "random" things, without making me realize until now. Babi, we are all too dependent on facebook - or is it just me?

Klutz, Jane.

While eating durian on one hand, and watching the telly at the wet kitchen, where Mama was cooking lunch. I thought to myself,

"WTH, corny gila. Just cause the guy put a plaster on her little cut on the finger. She got all 'swept away', and she'd probably fall for him and shit,"

Corny, entah apa-apa. Secretly, I was mocking and criticizing like hell already lah kan. I mean, say if the guy was just being nice, and everytime he stumbled upon the next hundred girls who had minor cuts on her finger, and he just had to put the plaster on the finger for her. And they would all fall for him jugak ke?

I guess, what goes around, comes around. Because of my klutz trait, I broke one of Mama's Correl's bowl, and have minor cuts on my hand - right after the corny scene on telly.

Babi. But too bad, I'm still awesome, because I don't need plasters. Or, a guy to put plasters on my hand for me. Sebab aku tak corny.

Karma's a bitch.

Fridays are my Saturdays.

Hujung minggu aku selalu bermula pada hari Jumaat. Kiranya, jika hari Isnin cuti, memang panjang melampau lah hujung minggu aku.

Sudah 5 hujung minggu, harapan aku hendak menelaah macam orang tak ingat dunia. Pokoknya, aku kena keep up the par. I have dreams to chase.

Masalahnya, minda aku berterabur. Suka melayang-layang. Belajar pun tak masuk otak. Main laptop, nak main game, MSN dan sewaktu dengannya akan membuatkan aku rasa guilty. Sebab aku sepatutnya belajar, bukan main.

Dan aku update blog ni pun, sebab aku susah nak fokus. Online pun nak buat apa je, bosan betul rutin harian.

Maybe I should call you up and complain, whine and fall. Then you can sense and complain that I'm just paranoid. Maybe you can be my shrink, baby.

Wasting time, Jack Johnson.

"And I'm just a waste of her, energy.
She's just wasting my time, Mm hm
So why don't we get together
And we could waste, everything, tonight
And we could waste, we could waste it all, tonight

Yeah, we could waste it, we could waste, we could waste it all.

And I don't pretend to know what you know, No no
Now please don't pretend to know what's on my mind
But if we already knew everything that everybody knows
We would have, nothing to learn, tonight
And we would have, nothing to show, tonight
Oh

But everybody thinks that everybody knows
About everybody else, nobody knows
Anything, about themselves
Because they're all worried about everybody else
Yeah yeah mmm hmmm ahh


This love's just a waste of our, energy,
and this life's just a waste of our time,
So why don't we get together
And we could waste, everything, tonight
And we could waste
We could waste it all...
Yeah

But everybody thinks that
Everybody knows about
Everybody else
But no no nobody knows, anything, about themselves
Because they're all worried about everybody else yeah
you should know by now"

Definitely, maybe.

Definitely someone like you.

Just give it time.

Bloody, me.

Your blood, is where your heart is. Biologically, its where the oxygen is being supplied. On the other hand, your blood is you. One way or the other, helps to make yourself. Only difference is that, you'd dwell on your blood, or just let the blood flow in you while you explore other factors.

What I'm trying to say is that, it's either we take pride of our traits (like "Hak Keistimewaan/Ketuanan Bumiputra" or the "Aryans") or you would just leave it as that.

Family. Deprived from sleep, my adik just had to drag me out of bed while my pillows were lavishing me with their comfort. Relatives visit. "Baby datang, kak". Ah, Baby. A reason to wake up I suppose.

Baby, has always been the witty tiny niece of mine. Cakap macam tak ingat dunia. Almost 4, you can even ask her to "Shuffle" (in her own definitions) because apparently her uncles (my cousins) were her teacher. So yes, she was shuffling in the hallway.

But that's not the point. Point is, this little girl goes to playschool and learns Chinese. From what I heard from my Aunt, whenever she sees a sight of Chinese people, she would repeat the same Chinese phrases. Er, I would try to type the phrase out, tapi takut salah eja. And apparently, Baby's repetition of Chinese phrases kononnya, she wanted to show off to them that she too, is apart of them. She can speak their language. No barriers in between lah kiranya.

And that's when I heard, "Wafa, ada boyfriend. Nama dia Daniel". Now, why would a girl aged almost 4 have a boyfriend? Haha, I suppose normal lah tu. Teasing and such. Then I thought to myself, "I've always liked the name Daniel. Sounds like a nice boy."

That's when it occurred to me, and I had to ask: "B, Daniel Melayu ke Chinese?". "Chinese..(and continuing blabbering)". And then she senyum sipu-sipu malu. In between, her uncle (my cousin) added something about a boy named "Nicholas".

The second was that, her uncle was wearing a tee with chinese words on it. And she said,

"Uncle Su pakai baju Cina!"
"Baby boleh baca ke apa dia tulis?"
"Boleh, 'Good morning, teacher' (in mandarin)".

The fact is, she can't even read. Suka hati dia je.

What caught me is that, at 4, she can differentiate between a Malay and a Chinese as well as mixing her Malay, English and Chinese words in a sentence. But these differences do not set her apart. The differences however, would only make her want to be apart, to understand, to adapt - like how she tried to show off that she can speak Mandarin (although only a few phrases).

Entah lah, maybe I'm just making a big fuss over this. But it somehow went through me, that Baby is growing up as a Malaysian, not a "pure" Malay. Can't exactly take pride on our blood for we too, are a mixture of a gazillion other breeds. Like that cat/dog of yours. Just that we are generalized into a larger category: Melayu, Cina, India atau Lain-lain.

Even my kawan calls her boyfriend "Sayang" or "Yang", although it is not her primary language. Awesomeness.

Maybe, it should just have been Malaysian instead. A mixture of hemoglobin, oxyhemoglobin, platlets and many other components - that is what is in our blood.

Signal fire.

"The perfect words never crossed my mind, cause there was nothing in there but you. I felt every ounce of me screaming out, but the sound was trapped deep in me. All I wanted just sped right past me, while I was rooted fast to the earth. I could be stuck here for a thousand years, without your arms to drag me out.

There you are standing right in front of me. There you are standing right in front of me. All this fear falls away to leave me naked. Hold me close, cause I need you to guide me to safety.

No, I don't want to wait forever

In the confusion and the aftermath, you are my signal fire. The only resolution and the only joy, is the faint spark of forgiveness in your eyes.

There you are standing right in front of me. There you are standing right in front of me. All this fear falls away to leave me naked. Hold me close, cause I need you to guide me to safety.

No, I don't want to wait forever."

i. just. need. the. fucking. missing. piece.

But what? It is not psychology, it is not food, it is not ice cream, it is not friends, it is not conversations, it is not an outing, it is not movies, it is not TV series, not songs, not being online, not facebooking, not studying, not watching telly with Mama etc, not helping with house chores, not college.

What, what, what? A reason maybe, a reason.

Zero-ed me,

So here's the thing.

These things that have been filling the empty space in my head, are divided into several approaches. At which, Darwin just keeps repeating himself after being longgg dead. Wish you well though Darwin.

But anyway, apart from him being brilliant and an atheist, he just annoys the hell out of me. Well, in a good way I suppose.

You see, my text books tell stories of similar themes. That subtle hints at which, life is classified, or rather divided into several approaches. Biological, or cognitive. The classic Nature vs. Nurture.

Can you believe it? It is bad enough we classify people into social classifications, profession wages, color skins, ethnicity, races, political ideologies etc. And now, our lives are actually classified. What makes it worse is that, these classifications are subtle. So discreet that we actively and consistently promote "World Peace" or "Equality" although we know pretty darn well that we still have that tiny bits of inequality and bias.

Like in the family car and saying, "These Chinese/Malay/Indian drivers, they just don't know how to drive". I wonder, Lucey (and fellow other half blood friends who read this), do your parents make such remarks when all your family members share the same ride? Being half Chinese and half Indian and such.

But that's out of the context. You see, as what I have read a couple of times: life is being approached by these two general insights: Nature or Nurture.

Like in explaining human's behavior for example. How can one be so motivated, so goal-driven, so definite of something? Evolutionists would approach this with the whole "natural selection" and the superior traits in order for us to survive. Hence, they are determined because they are innate with such traits. Or rather er, "programed" with the idea of surviving?

Or are they taught and directed towards accomplishments in life? You know, growing up in the right environment, right people, right principles etc etc kind of bull. You know, the whole monkey see, monkey do.

Then it leads me to this: emotions. So are we "biologically/chemically" driven or were we taught/conditioned to feel as such in given situations?

Take love for example. How bloody overrated is that? Are we biologically driven to "love", to "reproduce" and to maintain our species? Preserve our genes to survive? Or because babies come from Mommy and Daddy?

Is it just me, or are these two forces eating us from the inside? I mean, I know it is the whole balanced forces. It is like, what is a hero without a villain? Complementary. Funny thing is, at times, when these two forces are balanced, it will make you feel empty:

(+1)+(-1)=0.

Empty as hell.

Okay, I got to stop thinking. You can start filling my head now.

Tahun baru, lagi.

You're probably the person next to the other that give me a block. I have no drive to write. And it is a good thing, believe it or not.

And all those efforts and attempts to define how things work, really got me nowhere. But I am content, as for now, I live in the moment. It is kinda like déjà vu, really. I don't need plotting.

To hell with definitions.

*

Happy new year my Chinese readers. Well actually, Happy new year again, Malaysians.

Life, when you look deeper.

(+), (-).

Equality, moderate.

Saja show off:

"Seusia malam ku menanti mu,"
Akustatik.

Revolutionary Road.

As seasons come and go, as wind changes; my desires are inconsistent too. For a moment, it'll be towards writing a note, but when moments like this come, I feel like publishing a post.

Like many other inconsistent things in life, we too change. Only to the point that it is so gradual that it would only take ages for us to realize by our dear selves. After every mornings of staring yourself in the mirror every single day of your life, the tiniest change would not strike to you as much.

You know, our faces mature throughout, every single day of our lives. Strangest thing is, we don't really take notice for its discreet nature. Only when friends show a picture of you take a year ago, then you'd realize, "Oh my, we all look young. And this was only a year ago".

Likewise, we adapt to changes bit by bit. Goals are set for the short-run and even long-run, dreams are painted again and again, hopes are built with the finest crystals and glasses that any subtle movement could shatter them easily.

Changes. At times, these mundane streets become old, and you would want something new. Something bigger, something fresh. Inadequately, even the changed structure of roads or that new mall building is not enough to make you feel new with the same streets. At times, you just want to see what is out there.

What is out there, really?

People talk of traveling and migrating. Our parents migrated from their hometowns be it from up North, down South, East or West. They have traveled all the way to the 'heartbeat' of Malaysia, well most likely. Cheras, Bangsar, Ampang, Subang Jaya, Petaling Jaya, Kelana Jaya, Damansara, Shah Alam. They are all neighboring to each other, especially to the hot zone, Kuala Lumpur.

They wanted to see the city life. They wanted to see what is out there. They wanted to experience the hype.

Our ancestors traveled all the way from our respective mainlands. Borneo Island, China, India etc. They wanted to see what was out there, "What speciality had Parameswara's kingdom had installed at Tanah Melayu? ". Mainland citizens took ship rides across the sea to do trading which soon changed to more job opportunities come the Industrial Revolution. Even if it means working yourself to death by building railway tracks.

Then our parents inherited the idea. But really, how far will this reason remains as the sole reason? Let's just be frank. We are bored of our mundane, routinal lives that we long for something bigger, something new.

We want to seek ourselves by being out there. All out.

We could be like Kate Winslet and Leonardo diCaprio, to Paris with the whole family. Something random, something so big, something to catalyst the search for our absolute selves out there. To see what we are made of, to find the reason of being here.

If our ancestors travel from their mainlands, and our parents from their hometowns, how about us? We are already at a place where we receive almost the updated coverage. Yet, we are tempted to see how much greener is the grass on the other side. Like migrating to a celebrated country, to America, to Europe or Australia. Anywhere but here. Even if it means a one-way ticket to Heathrow Airport or LAX at the expense of your shrunken bank account.

We don't really need to be out there to seek the self now do we? Those are hopes and dreams that are made out of crystals and glasses. Reality would shake the tiny molecules anytime, and would probably make them shatter into a million pieces.

All we need are changes at any scale. We will get closer to our absoulte selves, insyaAllah.

Extra hot peri-peri tale.

Tau kenapa dunia dan kehidupan ni cantik dan kadang-kadang twisted dan sick?

Sebab kita semua memberi definisi yang lain kepada sesuatu. Walaupun ia nya .0000099
(mana boleh bundarkan nombor, tak tepat dan accurate) berbeza, ia tetap akan memberi kesan dan impak yang berlainan.

Kalau tak, kita tak akan hidup dengan kisah Fuhrer dalam kitaran 1930-an hingga 1940-an.

Kita tak akan hidup mendengar desas-desus tentang Charles Manson dan keluarga pseudo Manson.

Kita tak akan hidup dengan pembunuh bersiri dengan pengangan prinsip sadis.

Kita tak akan hidup dengan psychopath yang menculik kanak-kanak perempuan.

Kita tak akan hidup menunggu Prince Charming yang akan menunggang kuda dan menyelamatkan kita dari the evil genius plan of an evil fairy godmother. Sebab Prince Charming dalam kartun semua tipu, semua nak handsome, gorgeous, rambut beralunan cantik dan lembut, nak memiliki ciri-ciri 'lelaki sejati'.

The typical stereotype of how one's knight in shining armor should be. Straight or no.

Kenapa kita tidak dibesarkan dengan menonton Prince Charming yang gemuk dan hijau seperti our favorite Ogre, panas baran, kentut busuk, makan non-stop, mempunyai kawan-kawan retarded seperti Donkey dan Puss in Boots? Yang suka bermandi lumpur, dan bertindak mengikut impuls?

Kata Beauty is subjective? Tapi Prince Charming yang ideal telah diobjektifkan dengan penampilan fizikal dan ciri-ciri kelakian yang memiliki trait-trait gred AAA. The Alpha male.

Prince charming hanya khayalan. They charm their way in. What's good about that? They should be saving you from your own obstacles to your idealistic principles.

Kalau kita semua hidup dengan definisi sendiri dan kita mempercayai akan prinsip peribadi kita, maka itu adalah kebenaran kita. Atau tidak?

Terus, 'penjenayah-penjenayah' seperti Fuhrer, Manson dan psychopaths yang lain tidak salah entirely kan, sebab mereka mempercayai akan prinsip dan definis peribadi mereka? Their own truth, and not the universal, political, truth.

Yang mana lebih berkuasa, pihak 'berkuasa' atau minda dan prinsip peribadi kita?

1/4 Chicken with 2 side lines - peri chips and coleslaw. Extra hot peri peri please. Oh, and thigh.
Shrek 1,2 dan 3 tidak menghampakan. Konstant dengan elemen cerita.

Dia ni suka tag saya,

Tapi tak apa, gives me a reason to post a post, rather than write a note on facebook.

The rule of being tagged is to answer promptly.


What were you doing 5 years ago?
2004. Budak sesi pagi Sekolah Menengah SMK Seafield, probably getting all hyped up for PMR.


What were the 5 things on your list to do today?
- Meet my tiny friend for breakfast.
- Proceed the remaining 200+ pages of a novel.
- Adopt a daughter in The Sims 2, and send my son to college.
- Try to do chores.
- Try to be a good daughter at home?


What are the snacks that you enjoy?
- Heaven Berry and Hazel Dazzle
- Hot Floss from Bread Talk
- Keropok lekor
- Nerds
- Errrr?


What are 5 things that you do if you were a billionaire?
- Build a bloody cantik house with a bloody cool library? With tons of books and shit. And a nice walk in closet too?
- Probably shop like Paris Hilton or something. (HA HA)
- Build my own theme park like M.J's Neverland only COOLER.
- Invest and breed my money man!
- Pay the politicians to not be corrupted? Haha, sama je kan.


What 5 jobs you’ve had?
- Nando's waitress.
- DiGi flier girl.
- Women's Secret sales assistant.
- Mama and Papa's elder daughter.
- Sarcasm's poster girl!


Who are the 5 person you want to tag?
- Can I not tag?