Thursday, December 20, 2012

"Writers & Poets" as dreamy idealists.

(Dah lama tak tulis dan masih kekok dengan layout baru).

I had to run away from whatever that was. And man, I was depressed. Easily emotionally affected by the situations around me (as usual).

Withdrawing from the depression, still.

So I suppose it is best to sought back to things we used to know. Things that I suppose are safe. Not at all a comfort zone, but when you go out there and they differ so much. Or rather, you tend to put a high expectation on a certain something and it just proves the opposite.

I suppose it is equivalent to the value of money. If you produce too much of it, the value decreases.

The same. All the same.

And I am reminded of days when I doubt poetry and its connotations. But when there are too much of 'poetry' going on, you just know the beauty of it fades.

Like pretty girls. And each of us talks of wanting to be different.

In the first place, who constitutes poetry? Sure 'Art' is vague.

And the difference between people who are doing it for money and the passion of it. Those differ too, and it shows.

This is the real world I reckon, even in literature. And I thought writers & poets ("writers & poets" really) were dreamy idealists.

Thanks for reminding me that there's no 'real' escape from the real world I suppose. And reminding me of personal preferences.

Sunday, August 05, 2012

Dan -

Dan di kala
   awanan bertukar
          jingga -
di kala yang
   lelah mengejar dunia -
di kala
   riuh beralih
   di ruang masa,
     pasti semua pulang
       mencari keseimbangan.
  Mencari sesuatu
   yang menenangkan.
  Mencari cinta
   di dalam dakapan.

Dan bila
     menjadi nyata -
   bisikan mengada-ngada; 
alpa meronta-ronta; 
tidur/jaga si pujangga.

  mungkin dalam gelap,
  lagi meraba-raba?
Lagi pinginkan cahaya.
   sejurus kembali
    si alpa menjadi nyata;
si pujangga
     menjadi riuh
Cahaya meraih
    kegelapan meraih
        cahaya - 
tapi semuanya,
    pasti pulang - 


Friday, June 01, 2012

The Year That Was

3 tahun lepas, tulis ni.

3 tahun kemudian, 
is all I need to be reminded of,
day by day.

Oh, transition!

Monday, May 21, 2012


Teaser untuk buku puisi sulung #ArkibJiwa
yang akan diterbitkan pada masa yang terdekat.

Motivasi melonjak apabila mendapat
respon yang sangat tinggi hari ini,
terima kasih kepada Wardina Saffiyah 
yang RT kami siang tadi
(masih starstruck).

Apa lagi?

Like Arkib Jiwa di Facebook
Follow ArkibJiwa di Twitter
Emel ArkibJiwa di Gmail


Monday, May 07, 2012

Apa itu #ArkibJiwa?

Iklan redundant.
Tapi jemput ke laman Facebook, Twitter atau emel.

And wish me luck.

Saturday, May 05, 2012

And I could write a book, the one they'll say that shook the world.
And then it took, it took back from me.

You belong with me,
not swallowed in the sea.

Sunday, April 29, 2012


Sudah berkali aku kembali mencari gali - arkib jiwa.

Bertimbun yang ku ketemui isi hati - cinta hati.

Projek lama-lama tak mula-mula lagi!

Wait for it guys.

Selain merindui yang jauh dari mata,
nothing new really other than
newly mundane routines.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

For old time's sakes.

I forgot this song existed. How silly!

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

This is what's up!

AHHHH! Beyond, beyond happy.
Thank you cinta hati!
Happy 1st year! :)

InsyaAllah until time is inexistent.

Sunday, April 08, 2012

8/4 (2)

And on your existential inquisitions,
we collided.


When it is mend, I miss the breaking.


A suffering from one night may lead to a thousand poetry.

Thursday, April 05, 2012

Pink Tutus.

Start and spread with Glad tidings.

Fundamentals first, fundamentals.

On Existential Inquisitions.

Don't look too far

on the outside --

look into yourself.

The endless landscapes

of your inner being.






Wednesday, April 04, 2012

Lost emptiness.

I woke up with an amplified feeling of 'missing something'. The buzzing London in particular and the solitude feeling while being mobile.

I miss the days feeling like I belong in London in search of something, or someone.

Maybe I miss the feeling of emptiness, if that makes any sense at all.

Tuesday, April 03, 2012

Goodbye, Ms Nadrah!

Last day of work last Friday and the kids gave me this.
I'm gonna miss the kids driving the adults crazy.


Hold your tongue;

if the words to

be out of your lips

paint Nothingness.

Of not being;

and dwelling in there.

Of pseudo conscious

and conscience.

And plastic


Hold your love;

if you think this

may be,

For your existential


For hearts aren't

thinking faculties.

But love

means meaning,

as meaning be.

Saturday, March 31, 2012

Deliberate harm to the soul.

Like pouring emptiness into a cup once filled with tranquility.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Ghuraba (Strangers).

If every creation has its creator,
every writing its author,
every plan its plotter,
every design its designer,

- then what about you,
my young traveller?

Yang pilu.

Taken by Agfa Supersolina, at Pulau Pangkor
aku ketandusan inspirasi.

Dengan kebisuan,
sunyi sepi.

aku hanyut.

Dengan kerenah kehidupan,
kau berpaut.

kelu lidah aku.

Dengan gelap gelita,
dan jalan berliku.


kerana seusia dulu,
inspirasi aku,

Yang diam terpaku.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Rindu zaman pakai Creative ZEN instead of iPod Nano. Zaman dengar Regina Spektor dan Nerina Pallot. Zaman naik KTM dari Nilai balik Subang Jaya sambil baca Orhan Pamuk. Dalam kata lain, rindu zaman muda. Zaman baru masuk pengajian tinggi.

Friday, March 23, 2012

Swallowed in the Sea

the wide sea?


like our souls
intertwined in
a realm, we fear to


like these recurrent
thoughts of
unspoken possibilities.

Remember the
water current?


like our young
hearts, eager
to discover.


like our subtle
words embedded with
secret affections.

Remember the
wonders they bring?


like the transcendental
space of day and night,
at dusk and dawn.


like a wrath
sent down to
remind us all.

But --
did we sink or swim?

Or were we
swallowed in the

Thursday, March 15, 2012

A Dangerous Method. Versi cincai dan malas.

Alas, I have watched the long-awaited film. Ever since I was a student last year, reading Freud and other psychoanalytic scholars. (Show off pulak dia ni).

MasyaAllah. I love the details they did in this film! Even Freud's study room and the COUCH! Reminds me of my visit to Freud's London home with my best friend last summer. Same exact artifacts in his room. Brilliantly eerie.

An indeed, a dangerous method. Something so intimate when one's inner most repressed thoughts and feelings are shared between two colliding souls. If only I could start taking patients as how they did, "I heard you are taking patients now?". Now wanna find volunteer clients also hard (or rather not so confident with my lacking clinical background).

But right now, I'm not quite sure of psychoanalysis. I mean, psychodynamic quite possibly. But psychoanalysis? I'd have to refer to my personal analyst.

Monday, March 05, 2012

Alex Turner.

I miss London.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Avril dengan Cinta Hati :)

I know half the world is hyped out with Adele's winnings in the Grammys. You know what they say, when you don't have anything nice to say, best to keep my mouth shut.

But anyway, I have tons to write, but I'm just too lazy to write, and all I wanna say is that my boyfriend is the greatest. The greatest that we both decided to brace ourselves to go to Avril's concert despite the swarming upcoming fans (ticket pun free hehe). Just for old time's sakes. 10 years since I was 13 years old, when Avril came up with her first debut single. (Trust me, he was as big of a fan of Avril like I was!).

She was a huge part of my teenage years, and I stopped listening to her after Under My Skin. Pretty apt since I was already almost 18 when she came up with 'Girlfriend', and really I've moved on musically.

Perfect to the last moment when Avril closed her final day of her Black Star tour in Kuala Lumpur, with her first ever single, 'Complicated'. I swear I teared when she sang 'I'm With You' too.

My dream came true, to see Avril live. (Shut up lah I was 13 then, and the 13 year old me is still inside okay?) Cherry on top of the cake, when I got to do it with my soulmate! :D

(Yes yes, I just needed to post this up rather some thoughtful insights. Cut me some slacks!).

I guess when all the cool kids are busy listening to what I listened 4-5 years ago, it's time to start listening back what the uncool kids are listening to now! Haha. Kbye.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Kau Bilang!

Kau bilang


Tapi masih

berlegar di dalam kekosongan

dengan kekosongan.

Kau bilang


Tapi masih hanya


bermata satu.

Kau bilang


Hanyut dengan

perarusan ramai;

dengan Duniya semata.

Kau bilang;

Kau bilang;

Kau bilang!

Tapi pernah kau berhenti;

berpaling dan bertanya?

Nadrah Mustafa

Februari 16, 2012.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Bagai punggok rindukan bulan.

Hi, I've succumbed into Consumerism.

Taken at a friend's place in Cantebury, UK
by Agfa Supersolina, 36mm ISO 100.

And I miss the UK, so bad.

Friday, February 03, 2012

Bukan ulasan Amerika, sebuah novel Ridhwan Saidi.

Berhasrat nak menulis tentang novel Ridhwan Saidi, Amerika terbitan Moka Mocha Ink. Tetapi tak pernah menulis apa-apa ulasan mahupun filem, buku, lagu atau apa sekali pun. Tak rasa berkemampuan atau arif tentang seni menulis apa lagi nak menulis ulasan! Tapi nak tulis juga, jadi, bare in mind, ni bukan ulasan.

Ini sebenarnya secara jujur, novel pertama Ridhwan Saidi yang saya baca dan telah langkah bendul novel sulungnya, Cekik. Kenapa? Saya baca bab 1 Cekik di laman web Fixi, lepas tu rasa macam akan jadi complicated dan runsing, so saya skip. Dan mungkin sebab masa tu tak cukup duit kot.

In my defense, saya telah mengikuti perkembangan kerja-kerja (filem dan tulisan) Ridhwan beberapa tahun yang lepas dan juga berkesempatan untuk bekerja dengan dia secara langsung dan tidak langsung.

Dan mungkin secara separa sedar, alasan utama saya teruja hendak membaca Amerika (walaupun lambat sebenarnya) adalah kerana saya tau secretly, Ridhwan telah menyelitkan beberapa kisah-kisah hidupnya dalam novel Amerika secara langsung, tidak langsung, fabricated atau tidak.

It's the kind of thing you'd get out of psychoanalysis, mungkin.

Seperti Freud katakan di dalam esei "Creative Writers and Day-Dreaming", penulis seolah memecahkan and memprojekkan identiti mereka kepada beberapa karakter di dalam fiksyen hasil penulisannya. Dan dari dulu, semasa saya mula-mula mengikuti Binfilem, saya hairan kenapa ada 4 figura serupa karakter Simpsons? Dan mungkin, ya atau tidak, menerusi Amerika, saya tebak adalah 2 kawan rapatnya termasuk Aneeta.

Separuh jalan membaca Amerika mengikut masa relatif, tiba-tiba dipaksa masuk ke kisah silam pula. Pengimbasan dan pengenalan kisah kehidupan yang lepas menerusi manipulasi plot dan relatif masa.

Kadang-kadang ada rasa draggy sebab banyak sangat filsafat yang diselitkan, tetapi kepala aku seolah mencari alasan untuk Amerika dan mengingatkan aku kembali tentang novel kegemaran aku, Sophie's World oleh Jostein Gardner. Tak kata comparable, tetapi mungkin seiras kerana ideologi-ideologi dan falsafah-falsafah yang diselitkan. Dan mungkin Amerika tidak memberikan aku vibe kanak-kanak sangat kot, dan lebih kepada pembaca yang sudah arif tentang kau-tau-apa.

Dan I particularly like the twist at the end, mungkin sebab interpretasi aku yang salah kot? Atau mungkin kerana lipas besar made me wished the book ended quickly, but Ridhwan did justice at the end. Teringat Beatles consistently, entah mengapa. Mungkin sebab Across the Universe juga.

The thing about Amerika or any other Ridhwan's work is that, it is like a riddle. You've got to look deeper and relate one piece to another, walaupun dari sumber fiksyen atau dunia realiti. You'd see that he's been really personal with his works, carefully picking up what should be included and what should be fabricated, and to what extent.

Pernah merasakan, Ridhwan perlukan psikoanalisi juga, in good ways.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Bukan untuk sesiapa.

Suddenly there's this sad feeling,

Like a feeling of loss
but not too heavy.

Where have you been?


Kemalasan kini lebih besar dari keinginan. Rindu menulis.

Baru 2 mukasurat untuk 'projek' baru, tapi dah malas. Aiyo.