Hari Hujan.

Reality.

Yesterday, a schoolmate of mine passed away of the big C. Sudden but it happens. Like I tweeted the other day - Death is extremely ordinary.

In my previous post, I so confidently welcomed myself to the 'Real' world. Kononnya.

But there I was, standing on the muddy soil as a result of the heavy rain in Subang. Seems like it was a replay of the funeral I attended in July 2009. Perhaps it was because it was at the same place.

Same feeling of fear, different containment of emotions.

Dan baru malam semalam aku berdebat dengan rasional aku tentang keberadaan kita di Dunia. Tentang orang-orang yang memikirkan keberadaan kita untuk kehidupan yang seterusnya.

Real lovers and friends are ones who think for your wellbeing in the Hereafter and not only for your state in this temporal hedonistic life.

Look around you. At your friends who you spend your time with - occasionally or frequently. Ones who would always call you out for a game or two, a drinking session and all that sort? Kawan bersuka-ria. And ones who would come to your majlis tahlil, make a doa and recite surah yassin for you, pray that your burdens would be removed and your soul purified?

Which of your friends who would think of your wellbeing there, at the Hereafter?

Because frankly, when you pass on - nothing defines you. Not your branded clothes, not your bank accounts, your fancy cars, your academic qualifications and all that sort.

Who would be with you when you're six feet under?

The thing about us is that we're people of attachment. We're attached to entities either we admit it or not, either we are aware of it or otherwise. It's basic Attachment theory (e.g. Bowlby). We're attached to our caregivers since we're young. We're attached to the mundane things in life like our Facebook pages, our smartphones, the Internet etc. To Twitter even (guilty as charged)!

The things that at this point you think and feel like they facilitate to build ourselves and beings as people. Like our careers and stuff. Sure they complement our beings, but for how long?

At the end of the day, or let's just say, our lifetime; what can we truly depend on?

Your physical being will fail you. All these material things that kononnya help to define you, would cease like the toys you used to play when you were a toddler. And later on, so conveniently, the toys are passed on to other kids because they are not functional for you anymore.

Things get passed on. People fluctuate along. Life goes on.

Surely, there's something more. Something Real and True. Do not underestimate its physical absence. Just because it is not there, does not mean it is inexistent.

In less than 24 hours, I proved myself wrong. I am in the World, but it is not Real enough. In fact, it is not Real at all.

Truth and Reality has been debated from one civilization to another.

The Real and True world is the Hereafter. Surely, when something is Real and True is not temporal. It lasts. One that lasts not according to Time. Because Time ticks off. Time will eventually move on and fluctuate. Like Life. You want the Forever that has been talked and spoken of? Forever is there. Forever is Real and True. Forever is Timeless.

This is Romanticism at its best.

And just like that, I am reminded, subhanAllah. Passion still comes before money.

Al-Fatihah buat arwah Shahrilen Shahrul Anuar (1989-2011). Semoga rohnya di tempatkan di kalangan orang-orang yang beriman, insyaAllah.

No Such Thing

Kelakar. Kalau kau temui aku beberapa tahun yang lalu, mudah sahaja untuk aku memberikan jawapan. Passion over money. Even if it's dirt cheap. Have you got anything against cheap labour?

Tetapi pada usia ini, rasional aku berdebat dengan jiwa aku. Hati mengatakan mahu, rasional mengatakan - know your worth!

Lucu bagaimana hanya beberapa musim boleh mengubah seseorang. Tidak, bukan mengubah. Aku masih percaya seseorang itu masih dirinya. Kita hanya terlupa tentang diri kita yang usul kerana hanyut dengan arus kehidupan. Seperti kita lupa dan alpa akan tujuan eksistential jiwa kita. Terlupa, simple as that.

Dan mungkin juga, mata aku telah melihat sedikit kelibat sang Dunia dan kekecohannya. Kalau kau berkesempatan membaca serpihan jiwa aku di dalam Antologi Surat Cinta Kita terbitan Bin Filem, aku ada selitkan perihal jiwa dan matawang dunia. Dan juga, kau akan ketawakan aku, yang kononnya berjiwa idealis. Tapi kini hanyut dengan permainan dunia, walau aku cuba sedaya-upaya untuk mempertahankannya.

Mungkin juga aku telah dengan secara tidak sedarnya terhanyut di dalam arus dunia dan huru-haranya. Dunia dan kerakusannya. Dunia, dunia dan dunia. Yang berjasad di mata kasar, yang metafizikal hanyut di mata minda. Dan di situ jugalah kesilapan aku, semuannya dunia. Yang kemudiannya mana?

Dunia yang melalaikan.

Mungkin tidak penting yang sedang dipertikaikan di dalam kepala aku. Mungkin, aku cuma harus diingati tentang diri aku yang impulsif beberapa tahun dahulu. Yang mentah dan rakus, dan yang masih bersangka baik dengan dunia dan penghuni-penghuninya.

Tentang prinsip idealistik aku yang diagung-agungkan dahulu.

Selamat datang ke dunia yang sebenar, Siti Nadrah!

Cinta Hati!

What he lacks of, he compensates it with his entire being.

Rambling Man

So I decided to go to the book fair.

The thing about me and books is that I tend to buy them a lot, but I haven't really got my hands around them to read.

Rasionalnya? Kalau rumah aku sendiri nanti tak ada library dan rak-rak buku cantik aku tak tau lah. Ataupun, cita-cita aku nak buka bookcafe nanti tak tercapai, aku pun tak tau mana nak sumbat buku-buku ni! Ataupun, kalau anak-anak aku nanti malas membaca, memang aku sekeh sekor-sekor.

And let me tell you this, I still have books in the boxes being shipped from United Kingdom; hasil pembelian setahun di sana.

Jadi, tak teruja sangat lah nampak buku semalam; mungkin juga sebab aku rasa mual. Okay mungkin sebab hampa tak ada buku bertemakan Psikologi; Falsafah ataupun Psikoanalitik. Ah, Malaysia should have its own Karnac Books.

But I managed to get the books anyway, 5 books for RM44. Which roughly means £8. Kalau aku ke sebuah kedai buku di Oxford di mana semua bukunya dijual pada harga £2 pun aku hanya akan dapat 4 buku. Or the second hand bookstore, which again I think Malaysia should really have.

All the above ramblings aside.

Apa yang telah menarik perhatian aku semalam adalah bilangan orang yang mengerumuni kawasan "Self-Help" dan "Idiots Guides to"; what does that imply?

People are lost or are they just simply idiots?

Nothing personal against the individuals really. Just you know, see the bigger picture. The dire need of people in search for something (or more). The one hand that will pull them up and out from their pool of troubles. That search for Freedom from all these freedom.

Btw, BBW Book Fair playlist I personally think, is a duplicate of mine! Kudos. :)

BBW

They say, the book will find you. Like how a topic would.
Ha so buku apa yang mencari aku ni?
HAHA. K bye.

Denial tentang kebosanan. Ego, kau tau?

Nak cakap bosan, tapi tak nak dan tak boleh nak cakap bosan. Kerana kebosanan itu adalah suatu keadaan untuk seorang yang tidak kreatif. Dan sebagai seorang yang kononnya sudah (penat) belajar tentang kreativiti dari segi psikoanalitik dan perkembangan kanak-kanak (dan manusia); seharusnya lebih bijak menangani dengan keadaan sebegini.

Sewaktu di bangku sekolah dahulu, aku sering merungut kebosanan. Dan aku juga sering kunci diri dalam bilik melayan kepala sendiri. Sekarang pun lebih sama, cuma bezanya, dulu lebih impulsif dengan buah pemikiran. Sekarang ni, buah pemikiran di atas buah pemikiran yang lain. Dua aras pemikiran yang berbeza. Mungkin juga lebih. Macam Inception.

Sekarang juga berbeza, sebab dah (kononnya) anak dara (tapi otak macam budak kecik lagi) - patut tolong di sekitar rumah.

Aku lebih rela berjelaga dengan teori-teori untuk penulisan akademik lah macam ni.

Mungkin patut habiskan buku-buku yang sudah bermastautin lama di rak-rak aku tu. (Dan serbu jualan murah Serigala di Serdang).

Dah, penat mengomel. Rajin kau melayan eh?

Pesta buku bulan lepas di Whistable Castle, Whistable, Kent.

Peralihan.

Sebab rindukan United Kingdom dan juga,
sebab masih malas untuk mulakan penulisan (kalau boleh menulis).