"Writers & Poets" as dreamy idealists.

(Dah lama tak tulis dan masih kekok dengan layout baru).

I had to run away from whatever that was. And man, I was depressed. Easily emotionally affected by the situations around me (as usual).

Withdrawing from the depression, still.

So I suppose it is best to sought back to things we used to know. Things that I suppose are safe. Not at all a comfort zone, but when you go out there and they differ so much. Or rather, you tend to put a high expectation on a certain something and it just proves the opposite.

I suppose it is equivalent to the value of money. If you produce too much of it, the value decreases.

The same. All the same.

And I am reminded of days when I doubt poetry and its connotations. But when there are too much of 'poetry' going on, you just know the beauty of it fades.

Like pretty girls. And each of us talks of wanting to be different.

In the first place, who constitutes poetry? Sure 'Art' is vague.

And the difference between people who are doing it for money and the passion of it. Those differ too, and it shows.

This is the real world I reckon, even in literature. And I thought writers & poets ("writers & poets" really) were dreamy idealists.

Thanks for reminding me that there's no 'real' escape from the real world I suppose. And reminding me of personal preferences.

Dan -

Dan di kala
   awanan bertukar
          jingga -

di kala yang
   lelah mengejar dunia -

di kala
   riuh beralih
   di ruang masa,

     pasti semua pulang
       mencari keseimbangan.

  Mencari sesuatu
   yang menenangkan.

  Mencari cinta
   di dalam dakapan.

Dan bila
  kegelapan
     menjadi nyata -
       
   bisikan mengada-ngada; 

alpa meronta-ronta; 

tidur/jaga si pujangga.

Apa
  mungkin dalam gelap,
  lagi meraba-raba?

Lagi pinginkan cahaya.

Tapi
   sejurus kembali
    cahaya,
     
    si alpa menjadi nyata;
 
si pujangga
     menjadi riuh
       dunia. 

Cahaya meraih
    kegelapan
dan
    kegelapan meraih
        cahaya - 

tapi semuanya,
    pasti pulang - 

        bukan?

The Year That Was

3 tahun lepas, tulis ni.

3 tahun kemudian, 

is all I need to be reminded of,

day by day.

Oh, transition!

#ArkibJiwa

Teaser untuk buku puisi sulung #ArkibJiwa
yang akan diterbitkan pada masa yang terdekat.

Motivasi melonjak apabila mendapat

respon yang sangat tinggi hari ini,

terima kasih kepada Wardina Saffiyah 

yang RT kami siang tadi

(masih starstruck).

Apa lagi?

Like Arkib Jiwa di Facebook

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Emel ArkibJiwa di Gmail

Bismilliahirahmanirahim!

Apa itu #ArkibJiwa?

Iklan redundant.
Tapi jemput ke laman Facebook, Twitter atau emel.

And wish me luck.

And I could write a book, the one they'll say that shook the world.
And then it took, it took back from me.

You belong with me,
not swallowed in the sea.

Psikobebel

Sudah berkali aku kembali mencari gali - arkib jiwa.

Bertimbun yang ku ketemui isi hati - cinta hati.

Projek lama-lama tak mula-mula lagi!

Wait for it guys.

Selain merindui yang jauh dari mata,

nothing new really other than

newly mundane routines.

For old time's sakes.

I forgot this song existed. How silly!

This is what's up!

AHHHH! Beyond, beyond happy.
Thank you cinta hati!

Happy 1st year! :)

InsyaAllah until time is inexistent.

8/4 (2)

And on your existential inquisitions,

we collided.

8/4

When it is mend, I miss the breaking.

7/4

A suffering from one night may lead to a thousand poetry.

Pink Tutus.

Start and spread with Glad tidings.

Fundamentals first, fundamentals.

On Existential Inquisitions.

Don't look too far

on the outside --

look into yourself.

The endless landscapes

of your inner being.

Who?

How?

Why?

and

When?

Lost emptiness.

I woke up with an amplified feeling of 'missing something'. The buzzing London in particular and the solitude feeling while being mobile.

I miss the days feeling like I belong in London in search of something, or someone.

Maybe I miss the feeling of emptiness, if that makes any sense at all.

Goodbye, Ms Nadrah!

Last day of work last Friday and the kids gave me this.

I'm gonna miss the kids driving the adults crazy.

(Untitled)

Hold your tongue;

if the words to

be out of your lips

paint Nothingness.

Of not being;

and dwelling in there.

Of pseudo conscious

and conscience.

And plastic

tranquility.

Hold your love;

if you think this

may be,

For your existential

inquisitions.

For hearts aren't

thinking faculties.

But love

means meaning,

as meaning be.

Deliberate harm to the soul.

Like pouring emptiness into a cup once filled with tranquility.

Ghuraba (Strangers).

If every creation has its creator,

every writing its author,

every plan its plotter,

every design its designer,

- then what about you,

my young traveller?

Yang pilu.

Taken by Agfa Supersolina, at Pulau Pangkor

Katakan,

aku ketandusan inspirasi.

Dengan kebisuan,

sunyi sepi.

Katakan,

aku hanyut.

Dengan kerenah kehidupan,

kau berpaut.

Katakan,

kelu lidah aku.

Dengan gelap gelita,

dan jalan berliku.

Katakan,

kerana seusia dulu,

inspirasi aku,

kamu.

Yang diam terpaku.

Rindu zaman pakai Creative ZEN instead of iPod Nano. Zaman dengar Regina Spektor dan Nerina Pallot. Zaman naik KTM dari Nilai balik Subang Jaya sambil baca Orhan Pamuk. Dalam kata lain, rindu zaman muda. Zaman baru masuk pengajian tinggi.

Swallowed in the Sea

Remember

the wide sea?

Deep;

like our souls

intertwined in

a realm, we fear to

discover.

Free;

like these recurrent

thoughts of

unspoken possibilities.

Remember the

water current?

Wild;

like our young

hearts, eager

to discover.

Violent;

like our subtle

words embedded with

secret affections.

Remember the

wonders they bring?

Tranquil;

like the transcendental

space of day and night,

at dusk and dawn.

Destructive;

like a wrath

sent down to

remind us all.

But --

did we sink or swim?

Or were we

swallowed in the

sea.

A Dangerous Method. Versi cincai dan malas.

Alas, I have watched the long-awaited film. Ever since I was a student last year, reading Freud and other psychoanalytic scholars. (Show off pulak dia ni).

MasyaAllah. I love the details they did in this film! Even Freud's study room and the COUCH! Reminds me of my visit to Freud's London home with my best friend last summer. Same exact artifacts in his room. Brilliantly eerie.

An indeed, a dangerous method. Something so intimate when one's inner most repressed thoughts and feelings are shared between two colliding souls. If only I could start taking patients as how they did, "I heard you are taking patients now?". Now wanna find volunteer clients also hard (or rather not so confident with my lacking clinical background).

But right now, I'm not quite sure of psychoanalysis. I mean, psychodynamic quite possibly. But psychoanalysis? I'd have to refer to my personal analyst.

Alex Turner.

I miss London.

Avril dengan Cinta Hati :)

I know half the world is hyped out with Adele's winnings in the Grammys. You know what they say, when you don't have anything nice to say, best to keep my mouth shut.

But anyway, I have tons to write, but I'm just too lazy to write, and all I wanna say is that my boyfriend is the greatest. The greatest that we both decided to brace ourselves to go to Avril's concert despite the swarming upcoming fans (ticket pun free hehe). Just for old time's sakes. 10 years since I was 13 years old, when Avril came up with her first debut single. (Trust me, he was as big of a fan of Avril like I was!).

She was a huge part of my teenage years, and I stopped listening to her after Under My Skin. Pretty apt since I was already almost 18 when she came up with 'Girlfriend', and really I've moved on musically.

Perfect to the last moment when Avril closed her final day of her Black Star tour in Kuala Lumpur, with her first ever single, 'Complicated'. I swear I teared when she sang 'I'm With You' too.

My dream came true, to see Avril live. (Shut up lah I was 13 then, and the 13 year old me is still inside okay?) Cherry on top of the cake, when I got to do it with my soulmate! :D

(Yes yes, I just needed to post this up rather some thoughtful insights. Cut me some slacks!).

I guess when all the cool kids are busy listening to what I listened 4-5 years ago, it's time to start listening back what the uncool kids are listening to now! Haha. Kbye.

Kau Bilang!

Kau bilang

intelektual!

Tapi masih

berlegar di dalam kekosongan

dengan kekosongan.

Kau bilang

eksistensial!

Tapi masih hanya

celik;

bermata satu.

Kau bilang

kasual!

Hanyut dengan

perarusan ramai;

dengan Duniya semata.

Kau bilang;

Kau bilang;

Kau bilang!

Tapi pernah kau berhenti;

berpaling dan bertanya?

Nadrah Mustafa

Februari 16, 2012.

Bagai punggok rindukan bulan.

Hi, I've succumbed into Consumerism.

Taken at a friend's place in Cantebury, UK
by Agfa Supersolina, 36mm ISO 100.

And I miss the UK, so bad.

Bukan ulasan Amerika, sebuah novel Ridhwan Saidi.

Berhasrat nak menulis tentang novel Ridhwan Saidi, Amerika terbitan Moka Mocha Ink. Tetapi tak pernah menulis apa-apa ulasan mahupun filem, buku, lagu atau apa sekali pun. Tak rasa berkemampuan atau arif tentang seni menulis apa lagi nak menulis ulasan! Tapi nak tulis juga, jadi, bare in mind, ni bukan ulasan.

Ini sebenarnya secara jujur, novel pertama Ridhwan Saidi yang saya baca dan telah langkah bendul novel sulungnya, Cekik. Kenapa? Saya baca bab 1 Cekik di laman web Fixi, lepas tu rasa macam akan jadi complicated dan runsing, so saya skip. Dan mungkin sebab masa tu tak cukup duit kot.

In my defense, saya telah mengikuti perkembangan kerja-kerja (filem dan tulisan) Ridhwan beberapa tahun yang lepas dan juga berkesempatan untuk bekerja dengan dia secara langsung dan tidak langsung.

Dan mungkin secara separa sedar, alasan utama saya teruja hendak membaca Amerika (walaupun lambat sebenarnya) adalah kerana saya tau secretly, Ridhwan telah menyelitkan beberapa kisah-kisah hidupnya dalam novel Amerika secara langsung, tidak langsung, fabricated atau tidak.

It's the kind of thing you'd get out of psychoanalysis, mungkin.

Seperti Freud katakan di dalam esei "Creative Writers and Day-Dreaming", penulis seolah memecahkan and memprojekkan identiti mereka kepada beberapa karakter di dalam fiksyen hasil penulisannya. Dan dari dulu, semasa saya mula-mula mengikuti Binfilem, saya hairan kenapa ada 4 figura serupa karakter Simpsons? Dan mungkin, ya atau tidak, menerusi Amerika, saya tebak adalah 2 kawan rapatnya termasuk Aneeta.

Separuh jalan membaca Amerika mengikut masa relatif, tiba-tiba dipaksa masuk ke kisah silam pula. Pengimbasan dan pengenalan kisah kehidupan yang lepas menerusi manipulasi plot dan relatif masa.

Kadang-kadang ada rasa draggy sebab banyak sangat filsafat yang diselitkan, tetapi kepala aku seolah mencari alasan untuk Amerika dan mengingatkan aku kembali tentang novel kegemaran aku, Sophie's World oleh Jostein Gardner. Tak kata comparable, tetapi mungkin seiras kerana ideologi-ideologi dan falsafah-falsafah yang diselitkan. Dan mungkin Amerika tidak memberikan aku vibe kanak-kanak sangat kot, dan lebih kepada pembaca yang sudah arif tentang kau-tau-apa.

Dan I particularly like the twist at the end, mungkin sebab interpretasi aku yang salah kot? Atau mungkin kerana lipas besar made me wished the book ended quickly, but Ridhwan did justice at the end. Teringat Beatles consistently, entah mengapa. Mungkin sebab Across the Universe juga.

The thing about Amerika or any other Ridhwan's work is that, it is like a riddle. You've got to look deeper and relate one piece to another, walaupun dari sumber fiksyen atau dunia realiti. You'd see that he's been really personal with his works, carefully picking up what should be included and what should be fabricated, and to what extent.

Pernah merasakan, Ridhwan perlukan psikoanalisi juga, in good ways.

Bukan untuk sesiapa.

Suddenly there's this sad feeling,

familiar.

Like a feeling of loss

but not too heavy.

Where have you been?

MALAS

Kemalasan kini lebih besar dari keinginan. Rindu menulis.

Baru 2 mukasurat untuk 'projek' baru, tapi dah malas. Aiyo.