Here's to the night we felt alive.
P/s ; I love you.
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Saturday, January 27, 2007
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
To the missing thoughts ;
23rd January 2007.
Spent the night before at the white place, don't ask me why I think it as the white place - though it sounds like mental institution, but its not. More like it, a house of on-calls family men. Where they leave their wives and kids back home to rush for emergency calls. This is where they go, their work place. Their passion. Anyway, yah i spent the night at the hospital. Why you might ask? Just to company my dearest mother. I guess its time to pay what she did 4 years ago, well not exactly, 3 years or so. Same floor, same ward, same building. Its almost like deja vu. Anyway, it was freezing cold, I swear I could hear myself weezing to bed in the morning. The night wasn't that bad, watched desperate housewives on my trusty lappie, while mama watched the TV. The night before the 23rd, I walked down to the shop houses when mama was asleep, trying to push her pain aside. I went to the famous convenient store, 7e. Bought snickers - I've been craving for snicker for days. And my fabulous life line that costs, 10rm.
So I was walking back to the hospital right, then I saw this lady, around thirty-ish and she was wearing a white sleveless top, and shorts I guess? Couldn't remember. But what I remembered was, her exhausted face, almost not friendly, just ready to chew your head off even if you've smiled her way. So my first impression of her was a strict, exhausted mother. As she was carrying her kid, I would say around 4 or 5. My impression of her still didn't not change direction, until, she pecked her son on the cheek. I swear I could fall on my knees. It was touching. From what perspective you may ask? Well, firstly, my impression of her was the total opposite. And despite her exhaustion, which I can tell from her eyes and face, she was still able to carry her kid, and even show love with a slight peck on the cheek. Then the kid started saying something; and she laughed. She laughed. Please don't ask me why, but to me, it was a scene worth recording. There's just so much love in the mother, a strong bond. Its good to know. Despite her exhaustion, she was still able to maintain her level of tiredness, and still able to play and talk to her kid politely. As all of us are aware, we tend to lose our temper, and burst into flames when we're exhausted. Even to the people we love, our kids, parents, friends and the list goes on and on. I guess that's the reason why, I think its a scene worth recording.
From that, my mind traveled me to the poem ; " A Figure Not To Be Forgotten " where we all had to recite it by heart over and over for SPM. Good poem. Much thought to be given to what it has said to the world. Oh and of course, driven by the news in the newspapers where they've been publishing several cuts on the Red Street. Prostitution. Have you given much thought to this? Certainly not. You would condemn the prostitutes, saying they have a level of moral values as low as the drainage system in Johor. But have you given a thought; that maybe, just maybe, they are just trying to live a better life? Please don't get me wrong, I'm just stating what I think, and don't go around thinking that I'm ok with this whole situation. Its just a thought. Anyways; maybe some are forced to, just like most cases of Ah-Longs, maybe some just needed the money to nourish good poor souls of their kids? Maybe some are simply driven by their materialistic minds - easy way to get easy money ; lay, spread and boom; cash! You should watch Oprah Winfrey Show or even Gubra, several hidden messages between the story line. Better yet, you read the poem. Tell me do you think about it.
24th January 2007
Talk talk talk. Thats what I do eh? When I'm hyper and when I'm not in my angry nerd mood.
And guess what? It creeps up people's spines. It was ok to do that back in school, but now, life is at its changing gears, like my other posts, " I HAVE TO GROW UP ". Not in that childish sense, from the aspect that, I've to learn, when to know when to shut it, and when to really speak. When to start asking question when someone's in the middle of an explanation.
" Its worse back at high school. "
Thats when I realise, even though she was in her joking manner, but she meant it. Then, I answered less questions. Seems that I've been answering most of the questions in class. Then I really shut it. Then Ms. Evelina was trying to pujuk me i think, she asked me questions so that I answer them. Maybe she thinks I was bothered by her words, truth is, I was thinking about it. It was true, I reckon. Partially. Well, yeah. I was trying to think of a possible trouble my stupid huge blabber mouth will get me into. I came up with - ZERO. Then I came to conclusion; I should learn my lesson. And from now, I got to think before I speak. Well, in moderate amount.
Thats when we got into the "a period of loneliness is a good way to mold yourself " line. Good food for your thought. When you're alone, you tend to think. You tend to observe, you tend to realize. More or less, you would build a better you. But then again, its never enough. The way to the top seems never ending. Specially in dealing with God. Nothing seems adequate.
These all lead to ; how people present themselves in the crowd.
You know when they say that you don't judge people from what they wear. Well guess, what? We do, we do, we do! No matter how hard you try to push that away, the stereotype is still there plastered at the back of your mind. For example, when you dress in jeans, a printed t, and converse, poom - you listen to good stuff. When you're in a short skirt, pretty pair of flats, tight top, with beaded necklace and a super hairdo and make up on you - you spend cash like water in Topshop, Ben Sherman, Miss Selfridge etc etc. Or maybe simply in jeans, a backpack, a loose t, hair tied in a so called bun with a headband on you - you study 24/7. Well guess what? I'm a little bit of everything, so what're they impression on me? A super messed up kid who has a screwed up personality and who eats lunch alone at the cafeteria with my hands and not fork and spoon and does nothing but stare at her cell laughing with her left hand, and her right hand buried in rice and her eyes wandering around the open area staring observing people? Flash news kid : I love being that. And when you look around, and wonder what kind of people they are, which group do they belong to, you will get a rough idea. You assumed they are what you think. But when you read their diaries, when you study their movements and speeches, they don't appear how they exactly how you pictured them. And guess where it drove me? To my friends and family. I'm really thankful of them. Thank God I found them. Thank God I spent my days with them. More or less, bits and pieces, they've together helped me in building where I am. Well, strong from the influences of the big bad world. And insyaAllah, with Allah's will, would remain at this phase, and build a better me, and not divert track. So people, thank you very much. =)
Have you make a stranger smile today?
Written by Nadrah Mustafa at 09:26
Friday, January 19, 2007
Trains. Ever wonder when are you going to experience running to catch a train, you know when it arrived and you were just outside the station and hurry yourself, bigger steps towards the entrance, flashing the ticket. And. . . wa-la. Nice run.
So what do you next? You find a seat, grab a book, and wait for an hour in the train.
Have you experienced that feeling when you are in a train, where the train increase its speed, and make this really loud, promising sound, that would make your adrenaline increases as well, a rush of blood to the head. Its just the promising feeling that you would get in that situation. The promising feeling of that you would be home in time, you would be home soon. You can seem them, him.
I got a million things to write and blog and post. But they are all not coming out right, maybe I'm exhausted because of the train. Or whatever it is.
I guess I'm going to bed since mama didn't allow a night visit by "someone", and I'll wake up in the middle of the night to use the phone. =)
The notebook. thank you syg.
Written by Nadrah Mustafa at 21:05
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
And I wish I could fly and not think.
Because when things get harder, they tend to break.
And what will happen next?
Dig yourself in caramel popcorn and watch.
Push start, push play, rewind.
My heart has started to seperate.
Written by Nadrah Mustafa at 21:36
Thursday, January 11, 2007
exploring the different depths of the water. Just watch what you do everyday, I wouldn't want to lose you people in a way thats simply based on carelessness.
Political Issues. Can't do it on the net, dangerous. Its all in my head, digest my head to know.
High School. Where there's a social discrimination among the kids. Nah, its not like all the way in the American High School. Its not all the jocks, and the drama queens, perky cheerleaders, and all that American groups. Most try to find the similarities and label that as one of the American labels. Hah, face the fact, what we have here are the minah tudung, where no offense, stick to their kind, the "cool" people who apparently fit nowhere else than the toilet cubicles inhaling "cool" smoke. Anyway, my whole point is, since I'm already in college, I roughly know what's what and who's who. Pretty much the same. The social discrimination. Not obvious though. Much friendly people, seniors specially. But you can still see that people stick to their kind. Don't get me wrong please, they do talk and communicate with others, just they hang out with their kind. Being their races. Closest thing you can get to home I reckon. Its not a bad thing anyway. I don't see where this issue is leading. Er.
Three words, just three; I miss you. ( Er you can puke buckets if you want to).
And being in two places in a few hours and attending class in the next hour, was totally worth it.
"I love you through sparks and shining dragons, I do. Now there's poetry, in an empty coke can. I love you through sparks and shining dragons I do. Now there's majesty, in a burnt out caravan. You got me off the paper-round, just sprang out of the air. The best things come from nowhere, I love you and I don't think you care."
And hello? Be home fast please!
And I hate NS. Boohoo.
And dear Lip Gloss and Make Up;
No fear, we are always here for you. I love you a lot. Be strong!
" You crash on his side, all is quiet, all is calm. The air thicks, with stake smoke, your cheap perfume, and alcohol. And although, you know you need him, like a stake through your heart, you think its worse to stay apart. Cause its the last day of summer, and will hurt you more the most, cause you're still trying to mine for memories, in a ghost. You absence, makes no sense, just a constant of suspense. And although you both know the bubble might burst as soon as you meet, another fall start, rather than to stay apart. Cause its the last day of summer"
Cheers from college.
Much warmth and love.
Written by Nadrah Mustafa at 22:01
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
I started my classes yesterday. It went pretty well I reckon. English was well, fun as usual. Its a fun subject. Can't wait to really indulge myself in essays. (If you see me complaining about assignments, you can screw me upside down, inside out.) This entry was suppose to be posted last night, but i was too exhausted. So here am I, at 7.48 a.m. in my pajamas, telling you stories from the other end. In case you did not know, I went home for the weekend. Frankly, I miss home like (please insert any relevant metaphor, because I can't think of any). Either way, I wouldn't post on how fun my weekend was or how dead boring it was ( it wasn't ) it will only be some typical post you read from blog to blog. I mean, you've gone through all the trouble page skipping and you come across another poor old soul, whining about how pathetic one's life and how miserable that hairdo can do to your self confidence etc. Just so you know, it is one way or the other related to the new phase life of mine; get ready to read, or get ready to leave.
This is when I really think about how to manage and keep your relationships with people you love in touch. You've got to sacrifice your exhausted mind to talk to them late night after a whole day of walking, talking (craping you might add), and simply live your college life. Here, you would be 24/7 surrounded by people who you do not know whether you can trust or otherwise, apart from you having an old friend in campus with you of course. So anyways, its kinda like the real, cruel world already. For me at least, well maybe not the whole world, but bits and pieces of it, me having a mentality of a kid at times. So you really have to manage your relationships with your family, friends and your Sayang. I was home for the weekend, I thought about it. When you're home for the weekend, you're suppose to spend time equally with your family and friends. And of course the time for your own. You can't tire yourself to death, and live like a walking zombie. You can't laze around the whole day either. You got to know what you're doing. You got to manage your time smartly. You can't be out of the line for too long, it will get draggy, and you would fall hard. I'm missing everyone back home (even though its only a 30 minutes drive -more or less away). Yes. I'm such a kid. But I got to learn to survive alone, I know I can, only when it comes to my solitude when thoughts just attack me and I would miss every tiny bits of 2006. Like school, and how I was so tensed over 11 subjects etc. But I would say I led a pretty fair high school life. Less dramatic as compared to my two college mates stories. And I hope I've succeed in molding myself throughout the years for this new phase of life. So to my dear friends and Sayang, please understand if I'm busy for the coming days, I would try my best to adjust my time and coordinate with you people. Doesn't mean I don't care. And, holy %^$^$&%&% I miss you people already. And my cell phone is pretty much my life line right now. You know what I mean!
Mark the calendar, and you would know. Life's getting fair and equal. But you would not know that until you've realized what you've lost. I hope for some of you, you would what you're doing and lead a fair life please. Its not worth wasting your life on glasses of beers or the oh-so-hot dancing floors or on some piece of man made device.
I'm taking a good chance on this, and I would make the best out of it, being exposed to few melodramatic scenes, I think I'm wiser, so don't you worry dear, we would try to make it work one way or the other. I would build it to a full load. And we see how it goes. Its not that hard, its not that easy either. Its for two, so for two we shall try (unless . .). And I think its pretty much clear that it has grew, so lets take a ride!
I think I should take my shower right now and do the necessary. And its a good album. ;)
Written by Nadrah Mustafa at 07:40
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
Wonder how time flies really really fast? The last thing I remembered was packing from USJ2. Next thing you know, I was at USJ23. Then, I remembered singing myself to sleep with images of college life, and life after SPM and the excitement until the last paper ends. BAM BAM BAM!!!! Its already 2007. Tell me all about it honey. Its friggin fast. Before you know it, you'll be washing your kids' laundries. Sun drying them up on the clothes line and chit chatting with your neighbour - sneak peaking on their lives.
Might be a little early to blog from college, yes!! I'm already at COLLEGE!!! This morning I was in the car with mama, driving all the way down to Nilai. Yes yes. Then registered for the thing, not really registered, paid the fees lah. 50% deducted for tuition fees ok!! Woohoo! Scholar kid! ;) HAHA. Yes, maintain cgpa of 3.5 every sems, AND no warnings. Boohoo. For the first sem; I would be having 2 core papers; which means, only two subjects!!
Introduction to Microeconomics
BOOOOO ECONS? Zzzz.
Anyways, I guess thats about it. Then paid for the lodging fees as well, which by the way, was rather complicating. Single rooms have balconies!! BUT, I got the first floor, so no balcony for me. Hmmm. Mama asked to change and take a nw one etc. With balcony of course, but, all full-lah! So that dude said 3rd week of Jan go and find him. (Don't think I'm gonna) WHY? BECAUSE, I kemas the room already ok! And tired and FUN. HAHA. I moved the bloody bed and table all by myself. =) Yes lah, the actual arrangements not nice lah!! Gotta make myself comfortable kan! HAHA. Anyways, its already clean and nice and yes yes I like.
Kinda exhausted, but I've ice breaking session later at 1600hours, so I can't really sleep, afraid that I wouldn't wake up. Tonight there's this movie thing, which by the way, I don't think I'll be going, I'd be in room, SLEEPING I guess.
I'm missing everyone back home already, the ones I spent my holidays with. YES YES YOU YOU YOU AND YOU!!! =/ Nevermind, I'm going back to Subang this weekend anyway, =)) Bliss.
Alright, I've to get ready for the Ice Breaking Session, wonder if there's snow? Er. Ok. Cheers.
And I think I'm in love. =)
Written by Nadrah Mustafa at 14:52