Friday, February 11, 2011

The Fetal Position.

I took the long way back. I guess it's some sort of a replacement to my long drive home in the middle of the night with the radio blast almost at a maximum volume, and the windows winded all the way down.

But yeah, I took the long way back with my iPod, and that particular song on heavy rotation.

I guess it was out of not wanting to go straight home and facing the mundane Thursday routines I have been having for the past couple of months. Perhaps I just wanted to be able to feel alive.

So I did, without having my head directing and navigating my feet. I just walked into the darkness and into the cold winter's night, only I wasn't sure whether if it is cold given it rained earlier. I wasn't able to feel any physical sensation. Or maybe I didn't want to be able to feel any, only internal ones.

Truth be told, it has been a really heavy day. Thursdays are days of self-discovery. It could possibly be the whole nature of embracing psychoanalytic thinking and psychoanalytic psychotherapy on its own. The whole ignition of your very core being that has been buried under your Self. The digging of the archeology of your Soul.

The thing about psychoanalytic thinking is that it's nothing and everything all at once. It tingles and gives sensations to your Soul, and then there you are left to wonder - what the hell was that?

Mostly, it keeps you in touch with your feelings you weren't sure you had them in you, and then leave you to figure and sort (if you like) them yourselves. More often than not, with very vague leads of their origins, causes, reasonings and whatever possible logical explanation you try to make out.

And as I walk into the literal darkness with damp grass and pavements, I try to give it an analytical insight. I tried to digest whatever that has been put on our plates during lectures earlier today. To digest my very own existence.

My feet then brought me to this slightly lit area where you could see split shadows of your Self in the cold winter's night. Pre-occupied at first, I was forced out of my own mind distracted by my shadows. The core shadow, which was magnified for its position under the street light and the other shadows (2-3 of them) that were still following my physical being. And the further I walked away from the street light(s), these shadows merged into one, and pretty soon, left me alone with my own physical being.

Well, that particular bit didn't help at all but instead left me with more questions in my head!

But after I was done with whatever that was needed to be done within my psyche, I decided to head back. Time to step out of it. But then I stopped at one corner, looked up at towards the dark (k)night, only to look out for the stars.

And there it was,

The Moon.

The Stars.

The Clouds
moving away as the wind blows.

The branches of the tree
under the light of the street lamp.

And then there's you
staring straight up to these.

The feeling of the wind
in your face,
blowing your hair away.

The beauty of the dark winter night.

And out of great darkness, comes great beauty.

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