Bloody, me.

Your blood, is where your heart is. Biologically, its where the oxygen is being supplied. On the other hand, your blood is you. One way or the other, helps to make yourself. Only difference is that, you'd dwell on your blood, or just let the blood flow in you while you explore other factors.

What I'm trying to say is that, it's either we take pride of our traits (like "Hak Keistimewaan/Ketuanan Bumiputra" or the "Aryans") or you would just leave it as that.

Family. Deprived from sleep, my adik just had to drag me out of bed while my pillows were lavishing me with their comfort. Relatives visit. "Baby datang, kak". Ah, Baby. A reason to wake up I suppose.

Baby, has always been the witty tiny niece of mine. Cakap macam tak ingat dunia. Almost 4, you can even ask her to "Shuffle" (in her own definitions) because apparently her uncles (my cousins) were her teacher. So yes, she was shuffling in the hallway.

But that's not the point. Point is, this little girl goes to playschool and learns Chinese. From what I heard from my Aunt, whenever she sees a sight of Chinese people, she would repeat the same Chinese phrases. Er, I would try to type the phrase out, tapi takut salah eja. And apparently, Baby's repetition of Chinese phrases kononnya, she wanted to show off to them that she too, is apart of them. She can speak their language. No barriers in between lah kiranya.

And that's when I heard, "Wafa, ada boyfriend. Nama dia Daniel". Now, why would a girl aged almost 4 have a boyfriend? Haha, I suppose normal lah tu. Teasing and such. Then I thought to myself, "I've always liked the name Daniel. Sounds like a nice boy."

That's when it occurred to me, and I had to ask: "B, Daniel Melayu ke Chinese?". "Chinese..(and continuing blabbering)". And then she senyum sipu-sipu malu. In between, her uncle (my cousin) added something about a boy named "Nicholas".

The second was that, her uncle was wearing a tee with chinese words on it. And she said,

"Uncle Su pakai baju Cina!"
"Baby boleh baca ke apa dia tulis?"
"Boleh, 'Good morning, teacher' (in mandarin)".

The fact is, she can't even read. Suka hati dia je.

What caught me is that, at 4, she can differentiate between a Malay and a Chinese as well as mixing her Malay, English and Chinese words in a sentence. But these differences do not set her apart. The differences however, would only make her want to be apart, to understand, to adapt - like how she tried to show off that she can speak Mandarin (although only a few phrases).

Entah lah, maybe I'm just making a big fuss over this. But it somehow went through me, that Baby is growing up as a Malaysian, not a "pure" Malay. Can't exactly take pride on our blood for we too, are a mixture of a gazillion other breeds. Like that cat/dog of yours. Just that we are generalized into a larger category: Melayu, Cina, India atau Lain-lain.

Even my kawan calls her boyfriend "Sayang" or "Yang", although it is not her primary language. Awesomeness.

Maybe, it should just have been Malaysian instead. A mixture of hemoglobin, oxyhemoglobin, platlets and many other components - that is what is in our blood.

Signal fire.

"The perfect words never crossed my mind, cause there was nothing in there but you. I felt every ounce of me screaming out, but the sound was trapped deep in me. All I wanted just sped right past me, while I was rooted fast to the earth. I could be stuck here for a thousand years, without your arms to drag me out.

There you are standing right in front of me. There you are standing right in front of me. All this fear falls away to leave me naked. Hold me close, cause I need you to guide me to safety.

No, I don't want to wait forever

In the confusion and the aftermath, you are my signal fire. The only resolution and the only joy, is the faint spark of forgiveness in your eyes.

There you are standing right in front of me. There you are standing right in front of me. All this fear falls away to leave me naked. Hold me close, cause I need you to guide me to safety.

No, I don't want to wait forever."

i. just. need. the. fucking. missing. piece.

But what? It is not psychology, it is not food, it is not ice cream, it is not friends, it is not conversations, it is not an outing, it is not movies, it is not TV series, not songs, not being online, not facebooking, not studying, not watching telly with Mama etc, not helping with house chores, not college.

What, what, what? A reason maybe, a reason.

Zero-ed me,

So here's the thing.

These things that have been filling the empty space in my head, are divided into several approaches. At which, Darwin just keeps repeating himself after being longgg dead. Wish you well though Darwin.

But anyway, apart from him being brilliant and an atheist, he just annoys the hell out of me. Well, in a good way I suppose.

You see, my text books tell stories of similar themes. That subtle hints at which, life is classified, or rather divided into several approaches. Biological, or cognitive. The classic Nature vs. Nurture.

Can you believe it? It is bad enough we classify people into social classifications, profession wages, color skins, ethnicity, races, political ideologies etc. And now, our lives are actually classified. What makes it worse is that, these classifications are subtle. So discreet that we actively and consistently promote "World Peace" or "Equality" although we know pretty darn well that we still have that tiny bits of inequality and bias.

Like in the family car and saying, "These Chinese/Malay/Indian drivers, they just don't know how to drive". I wonder, Lucey (and fellow other half blood friends who read this), do your parents make such remarks when all your family members share the same ride? Being half Chinese and half Indian and such.

But that's out of the context. You see, as what I have read a couple of times: life is being approached by these two general insights: Nature or Nurture.

Like in explaining human's behavior for example. How can one be so motivated, so goal-driven, so definite of something? Evolutionists would approach this with the whole "natural selection" and the superior traits in order for us to survive. Hence, they are determined because they are innate with such traits. Or rather er, "programed" with the idea of surviving?

Or are they taught and directed towards accomplishments in life? You know, growing up in the right environment, right people, right principles etc etc kind of bull. You know, the whole monkey see, monkey do.

Then it leads me to this: emotions. So are we "biologically/chemically" driven or were we taught/conditioned to feel as such in given situations?

Take love for example. How bloody overrated is that? Are we biologically driven to "love", to "reproduce" and to maintain our species? Preserve our genes to survive? Or because babies come from Mommy and Daddy?

Is it just me, or are these two forces eating us from the inside? I mean, I know it is the whole balanced forces. It is like, what is a hero without a villain? Complementary. Funny thing is, at times, when these two forces are balanced, it will make you feel empty:

(+1)+(-1)=0.

Empty as hell.

Okay, I got to stop thinking. You can start filling my head now.

Tahun baru, lagi.

You're probably the person next to the other that give me a block. I have no drive to write. And it is a good thing, believe it or not.

And all those efforts and attempts to define how things work, really got me nowhere. But I am content, as for now, I live in the moment. It is kinda like déjà vu, really. I don't need plotting.

To hell with definitions.

*

Happy new year my Chinese readers. Well actually, Happy new year again, Malaysians.

Life, when you look deeper.

(+), (-).

Equality, moderate.

Saja show off:

"Seusia malam ku menanti mu,"
Akustatik.

Revolutionary Road.

As seasons come and go, as wind changes; my desires are inconsistent too. For a moment, it'll be towards writing a note, but when moments like this come, I feel like publishing a post.

Like many other inconsistent things in life, we too change. Only to the point that it is so gradual that it would only take ages for us to realize by our dear selves. After every mornings of staring yourself in the mirror every single day of your life, the tiniest change would not strike to you as much.

You know, our faces mature throughout, every single day of our lives. Strangest thing is, we don't really take notice for its discreet nature. Only when friends show a picture of you take a year ago, then you'd realize, "Oh my, we all look young. And this was only a year ago".

Likewise, we adapt to changes bit by bit. Goals are set for the short-run and even long-run, dreams are painted again and again, hopes are built with the finest crystals and glasses that any subtle movement could shatter them easily.

Changes. At times, these mundane streets become old, and you would want something new. Something bigger, something fresh. Inadequately, even the changed structure of roads or that new mall building is not enough to make you feel new with the same streets. At times, you just want to see what is out there.

What is out there, really?

People talk of traveling and migrating. Our parents migrated from their hometowns be it from up North, down South, East or West. They have traveled all the way to the 'heartbeat' of Malaysia, well most likely. Cheras, Bangsar, Ampang, Subang Jaya, Petaling Jaya, Kelana Jaya, Damansara, Shah Alam. They are all neighboring to each other, especially to the hot zone, Kuala Lumpur.

They wanted to see the city life. They wanted to see what is out there. They wanted to experience the hype.

Our ancestors traveled all the way from our respective mainlands. Borneo Island, China, India etc. They wanted to see what was out there, "What speciality had Parameswara's kingdom had installed at Tanah Melayu? ". Mainland citizens took ship rides across the sea to do trading which soon changed to more job opportunities come the Industrial Revolution. Even if it means working yourself to death by building railway tracks.

Then our parents inherited the idea. But really, how far will this reason remains as the sole reason? Let's just be frank. We are bored of our mundane, routinal lives that we long for something bigger, something new.

We want to seek ourselves by being out there. All out.

We could be like Kate Winslet and Leonardo diCaprio, to Paris with the whole family. Something random, something so big, something to catalyst the search for our absolute selves out there. To see what we are made of, to find the reason of being here.

If our ancestors travel from their mainlands, and our parents from their hometowns, how about us? We are already at a place where we receive almost the updated coverage. Yet, we are tempted to see how much greener is the grass on the other side. Like migrating to a celebrated country, to America, to Europe or Australia. Anywhere but here. Even if it means a one-way ticket to Heathrow Airport or LAX at the expense of your shrunken bank account.

We don't really need to be out there to seek the self now do we? Those are hopes and dreams that are made out of crystals and glasses. Reality would shake the tiny molecules anytime, and would probably make them shatter into a million pieces.

All we need are changes at any scale. We will get closer to our absoulte selves, insyaAllah.

Extra hot peri-peri tale.

Tau kenapa dunia dan kehidupan ni cantik dan kadang-kadang twisted dan sick?

Sebab kita semua memberi definisi yang lain kepada sesuatu. Walaupun ia nya .0000099
(mana boleh bundarkan nombor, tak tepat dan accurate) berbeza, ia tetap akan memberi kesan dan impak yang berlainan.

Kalau tak, kita tak akan hidup dengan kisah Fuhrer dalam kitaran 1930-an hingga 1940-an.

Kita tak akan hidup mendengar desas-desus tentang Charles Manson dan keluarga pseudo Manson.

Kita tak akan hidup dengan pembunuh bersiri dengan pengangan prinsip sadis.

Kita tak akan hidup dengan psychopath yang menculik kanak-kanak perempuan.

Kita tak akan hidup menunggu Prince Charming yang akan menunggang kuda dan menyelamatkan kita dari the evil genius plan of an evil fairy godmother. Sebab Prince Charming dalam kartun semua tipu, semua nak handsome, gorgeous, rambut beralunan cantik dan lembut, nak memiliki ciri-ciri 'lelaki sejati'.

The typical stereotype of how one's knight in shining armor should be. Straight or no.

Kenapa kita tidak dibesarkan dengan menonton Prince Charming yang gemuk dan hijau seperti our favorite Ogre, panas baran, kentut busuk, makan non-stop, mempunyai kawan-kawan retarded seperti Donkey dan Puss in Boots? Yang suka bermandi lumpur, dan bertindak mengikut impuls?

Kata Beauty is subjective? Tapi Prince Charming yang ideal telah diobjektifkan dengan penampilan fizikal dan ciri-ciri kelakian yang memiliki trait-trait gred AAA. The Alpha male.

Prince charming hanya khayalan. They charm their way in. What's good about that? They should be saving you from your own obstacles to your idealistic principles.

Kalau kita semua hidup dengan definisi sendiri dan kita mempercayai akan prinsip peribadi kita, maka itu adalah kebenaran kita. Atau tidak?

Terus, 'penjenayah-penjenayah' seperti Fuhrer, Manson dan psychopaths yang lain tidak salah entirely kan, sebab mereka mempercayai akan prinsip dan definis peribadi mereka? Their own truth, and not the universal, political, truth.

Yang mana lebih berkuasa, pihak 'berkuasa' atau minda dan prinsip peribadi kita?

1/4 Chicken with 2 side lines - peri chips and coleslaw. Extra hot peri peri please. Oh, and thigh.
Shrek 1,2 dan 3 tidak menghampakan. Konstant dengan elemen cerita.

Dia ni suka tag saya,

Tapi tak apa, gives me a reason to post a post, rather than write a note on facebook.

The rule of being tagged is to answer promptly.


What were you doing 5 years ago?
2004. Budak sesi pagi Sekolah Menengah SMK Seafield, probably getting all hyped up for PMR.


What were the 5 things on your list to do today?
- Meet my tiny friend for breakfast.
- Proceed the remaining 200+ pages of a novel.
- Adopt a daughter in The Sims 2, and send my son to college.
- Try to do chores.
- Try to be a good daughter at home?


What are the snacks that you enjoy?
- Heaven Berry and Hazel Dazzle
- Hot Floss from Bread Talk
- Keropok lekor
- Nerds
- Errrr?


What are 5 things that you do if you were a billionaire?
- Build a bloody cantik house with a bloody cool library? With tons of books and shit. And a nice walk in closet too?
- Probably shop like Paris Hilton or something. (HA HA)
- Build my own theme park like M.J's Neverland only COOLER.
- Invest and breed my money man!
- Pay the politicians to not be corrupted? Haha, sama je kan.


What 5 jobs you’ve had?
- Nando's waitress.
- DiGi flier girl.
- Women's Secret sales assistant.
- Mama and Papa's elder daughter.
- Sarcasm's poster girl!


Who are the 5 person you want to tag?
- Can I not tag?