Well Isn't it Ironic ;

Irony.

You know when they tend to say something, but do the opposite?
Well ; actions do speak louder than words.
But what happened when it works the other way round?
You know, when they do things to hide the words.
And along the way, lose what they need.

Its a shame to be apart.

I never thought I would get in that line of business. Where they strut their stuffs and plaster a smile? Feeling the total opposite. Watching was always a pleasure, but being apart of it? We'll see what comes. It is anyhow, for my future sake, you know, cash for abroad. And those who do not know what the hell am I talking about, you haven't been catching up with me. Its either, I'm busy ( I know I tend do get out of touch at some point ) or we're just not exchanging journals. Anyhow, to my greatest fan ( Future manager as well ) thanks for being my greatest fan. =)

You know when I always go; No, this is definitely it. I'm done, I'm out, its over. But somehow, it tends to fall back in place, and I count my steps back to square one. Remember when you said you'll be worried as hell once I'm in college? Look where are you now, pushing me to the top. Screaming out on top of your lungs. =)

See how irony works?

You know what they said after high school ; its time to plot your life on the piece of graph paper honey. To tell you the truth, I didn't feel a bit of this life changing phase at first. It was after the last paper, straight to work, straight to college. No time to breath or sit down and think with a sip of hot chocolate. You know when you tend to get caught up in things. But then, when I was out for an interview - for a part time job. Then I realized; this is it. Studying + training + working. Its for the future, these cold hard-earned cash. And its for the future, these knowledge I'll pick up along the 4 years in college. Like, I never thought of putting myself out in the world so fast. Literally and figuratively. But then ;18 is even the legal age for marriage. So it can't be that fast? But why am I feeling so? Its too fast. I still feel inadequate in knowledge, experience, and all that little toolkits for the adult life , young adult at least. Thats when the plans for the settled stable future came is. Wow. OK, I'm a planner, I plan my life at even talked about the settl least few years ahead. So toed stable future, was well, intense and serious. See, I know you can't really see eye to eye with me right now dear loyal readers, but if you do see what I see; somehow I feel I'm thrown out of the cage, almost lifeless, but gasping for future. Whatever it is, I tell you, and I tell you now ; I'm ready. Even if it means that I've to duck around town to build my life. It works at your end too dear.

And now; I wish I could stay longer and spill the beans.
But I have finals, and I need to start cracking my head.

The world is against us.

Its the unicorn craze;

LAYER 1: ON THE OUTSIDE

Name: Go figure. =)
Birth Date: Check my ID card. IC lah.
Current Status: Not wealthy enough for the world ; not adequate enough to die either.
Eye Colour: Er. Look into my eye; tell me what do you see.
Hair Colour: Try standing under the sunlight with me and analyze my hair color ; like there's nothing to be enjoyed under the sun.
Righty or Lefty: Trusty righty.



LAYER 2: ON THE INSIDE

My Heritage: Bugis + Melayu + ____ + ____ = Me?
My Fears: God. World. Future. Myself.
My Weaknesses: Myself ; world etc.
My Perfect Pizza: Er. Bloody nice crust with hmmm cheese. And at a minimum feasible cost.



LAYER 3: YESTERDAY, TODAY, TOMORROW

My Thoughts First Waking Up: Yesterday? =) "dah pukul 6 lah!!"
Today? "Wake up sleepy head; pray; shower; study; test ; KL; etc etc."
Tomorrow? "Yet to be known ; it all depends .."
My Bedtime:2300hours; 0000hours; not more than 1 am.
My Most Missed Memory: YOUNGER DAYS.



LAYER 4: MY PICK

Pepsi or Coke: COKE ; without doubt.
McDonald's or Burger King: I don't take sides ; its eat-able. Not healthy though. Bloody transfats.
Single or Group Dates: Does that make any difference? OK, at times single, at times group.
Adidas or Nike: Nike.
Tea or Nestea: Nestea lah.
Chocolate or Vanilla: I'm very seasonal ; so whatever comes to my tastebuds.
Cappuccino or Coffee: BLOODY HELL ; BOTH. Coffee origin.



LAYER 5: DO YOU...

Smoke: Maybe after the whole world has lung cancer.
Curse: Pretty much.
Take a Shower: Yes of course ; unless you want to sponge bath me.
Have a Crush: I reckon so?
Think You've Been In Love: Somehow; love is too vague. Its indescribable.
Go To School: Still a student.
Want To Get Married: Currently? Not really, maybe someday. When life's pretty much stable and settled.
Believe In Yourself: At times.
Think Your A Health Freak: Not as freak as Paperbagged or my mom.



LAYER 6: IN THE PAST

Drank Alcohol: Not.
Gone To The Mall: Its not like I live in the woods now do I?
Been On Stage: Yesss.
Eaten Sushi: HELL YES. =)
Dyed Your Hair: No.



LAYER 7: HAVE YOU EVER...

Played A Stripping Game: Er. Can I say no?
Changed Who You Were To Fit In: Maybe unconsciously.



LAYER 8: AGE YOU'RE HOPING...

To Be Married: What is the ideal age? Maybe 25 or so?



LAYER 9: IN A GUY...

Best Eye Colour: Anything that goes along.
Best Hair Colour: Black.
Short Hair or Long Hair: Either one that suits.



LAYER 10: WHAT WERE YOU DOING...

A Minute Ago: Replying sms.
Hour Ago: Walking around campus.
4.5 Hours Ago: Just woke up from sleep?
1 Month Ago: Studying.
Year Ago: Senior year ; stress ; SPM ; friends ; family ; STRESS ; SPM ; and MORE STRESS.
Worth the time though. =)



LAYER 11: FINISH THE SENTENCES...

I love: "..you through sparks and shining dragons I do , Now there's poetry in an empty coke can."
I feel: that the world is against us ; run or walk?
I hate: the fact that I don't know what I hate.
I hide: my thoughts, good music, my feelings - at times.
I miss: SCHOOL ; YOUNGER DAYS.
I need: to get STRAIGHT BLOODY A's. AND GET AT LEAST A 3.5 GPA. AND MONEY! YES! AND er, a better me.



LAYER 12: TAG 5 PEOPLE

one: Malaya Genius
two: lipgloss and makeup
three: supersara
four: Potential hipster
five: Dancing rain.

Malaya oh Malaya ;

I'm bloody motivated ; highly. In what? To put myself more into the not so visible path of indie films. Hooray Malaya Genius!

8th of March ; I tell you, I'd be first in line - just like the 6th of April 2006.

So someone showed me a blog page of a random writer from Malaysia, well, Subang to be precise. Ah yes; home sweet home. I guess the blog page kept me running as well, you know, with all the bloody incredible Bahasa and English. Wow. Gotta beat that. You know when you just have to draw a line between competitions to make yourself better. Call me someone who can't accept others' better abilities; but hey, it does good to oneself. Trust me. You just have to restrict yourself to be a bloody snob - "Ms. Know It All". I mean don't get me wrong, sometimes its just for the best; you tend to push yourself harder to be better. Sadly; the world doesn't seem to see eye to eye with the handful. Sigh. I guess this is it; a potpuri of people. You can differ people. And that various kinds, make life wonderful. Believe it or not. Its like I'm trying my best to be the continuous writer (on the blog) and not have writer's block. Brainstorm brainstorm. If you have a writer's block, I guess you're just not a good writer just yet. That's when you get to pick which path ; leave or stay?

I think roughly ; I know how this whole thing works, you know; the system.

When you try so bloody hard to put yourself in the world. To be noticed. All geared up with your oh-so-pretty outfit, all psyched up and bubbly enthusiasm. But there was just something missing, yourself. Have you ever wondered about peoples' lives when you looked at them at the street randomly? And have you ever wondered that how many out there who actually found themselves? You know, the whole mirror and you thing. The whole, am I doing this thing right? Am I doing this for myself or because someone else asked me too? Did I choose the right color because I'm influenced by my best friend? Or am I dressing the way I want to or because they think that this is decent? Or hey; lets listen to Brit Pop and all the good stuff because it seems that it'll be in season soon? Questions questions questions. And none of them have been answered. At least at a satisfaction rate. From what I see; nothing is original anymore. Seems like the whole world is "cetak rompak-ing" the originals. Like buying a RM 8 dvd in Summit, USJ and not a RM90++ ( Is this the price? Roughly? Ok nampak sangat lah aku tak beli DVD ori) dvd in VideoEzy, Taipan. And the typical mentality of Malaysians, or maybe the world; Why waste a hundred bucks for a copy, when you can get near 10 copies for pirated ones? Like in microeconomics; Maximum Utility.

Now don't go around telling me you never thought of it.

Nothing is fresh I tell you. But then again; at some levels, it is for the better. You know, when you learn from your mistakes, and try to make a fresher start? Like washing your sins, but it never actually went away but you moved forward anyway. Like inventing aircrafts. From one to another. And "*Pooff* it became AirBus." (Line edited from KoKo Krunch ad.) Like copying a friend, but make a better version? Bad idea. All I'm trying to say is that; when you really look into this whole "Who am I?" issue, you will get lost and tend to draw far from the surface. Brilliant. You have a mind of an incredible alert conscience when you do so. And I'm having troubles discovering my true inner self. Maybe I overlooked in this, maybe I've found me but I'm just not aware of this. Or maybe, secretly deep deep inside, there's an unleashed monster, biting you from the inside telling you; you're just another fake being. Voila. Bloody the state of self confusion.

I wish I have better writing skills.
The faint smell I've lost somehow appeared again.
I'm too caught up between these lines; I have a bloody test.

So run for me love.

Letters from Lightalley ;

The last time i got letters from the lightalley was ; years , ages ago. Lightalley? Wth is that? A place; where its there only when you make believe. Just like Neverland, or the North pole - where Mr. Santa toil with his faithful elves for the good kids. Am I in the verge to make believe ; or not? Lets just analyze.

Of puffy clouds from the lightalley ;

Bullshit. Clouds are puffy ; but they're not to stay. As comfortable and as soothing it is, it is just not to stay. Sure you can't have puffy clouds all day, rain is sure to come, and wet you up and then you would get all cranky and curse every car that passed you. But somehow you would know, that the comfortable, soothing feeling is plastered at the back of your mind, and you would always want that back, specially when you have a miserable day. But as hours pass, the rain is back and you would run from it, or take cover under the umbrella, but you know what they say ; "You can hide, but you can't run". It goes the same for us too. Bloody fate.
Or rather, we put where we are, believe its fate. I guess thats what happen when you're pretty much glued emotionally.

Immaturity ; quoted from Mr. "Lurza" : "Immaturity is something that ive figured out. Its not what others think. Its what you think. The way you defined maturity and the way people defined immaturity is somehow, different. as we all know la kan, this world is like so full of people. and we know each people are like, unique?; special?; and certainly have their own POV(point of view). Generally accepted, immaturity is the lack of interest to understood people's idea, and personal POV, and generally differentiate it." Well said; always have admired the deeper you. :) And sorry I quoted.

And somehow, the letters gave me an impression that its gonna be the end of the cycle. And I am not sure why, I am worried that I wouldn't be able to reach that dude from light alley. Yes. I think its decided ; that it is still pasted somewhere inside. And I swear, its making me worried as hell and I can even cry. And even though we can go on ages not to talking to each other; but once we do, its hard to end it. Bloody over-rated feeling. Then ; what else could it be? As much as I try to deny it. I can't lie to myself forever.

"We were so close.. yet, we were like on the verge of didnt know each other"
- Letter from the Light Alley.

Hell yes. And hell it still makes me wonder ; WHY. Even if you give me a million pages of answers and reasons ; I could never understand why. But lets just continue what we're doing now. And maybe we could just runaway. And here's brilliant song to this bloody over-rated feeling.

"Again and Again "
by Jewel.

Listen dear
I need you to hear.
I cannot disappear
I've tried again and again and again.

I know we said
That we'd give up
You said we'd had enough
Again and again and again.

But you, you're always on my mind.
It's like this all the time.
Say it's cause you're mine
All mine...

And if you will, I will
Try to let it go.
And if you try, I'll try
Try to let it show us the way
'Cause love is here to stay
Just look me in the eye
This is do or die
And I will stay in love
'Till you say enough
There is no giving in
There is no giving up in love.

Walk down the street
Stare at lots of things
The fast and steady streams
Again and again and again.

Do what I should
Try to stay busy
Your face is all I see
Again and again and again.

But you, you're always on my mind.
It's like this all the time.
Say it's cause you're mine
All mine...

And if you will, I will
Try to let it go.
And if you try, I'll try
Try to let it show us the way
'Cause love is here to stay
Just look me in the eye
This is do or die
And I will stay in love
'Till you say enough
There is no giving in
There is no giving up in love.

Like a movie I once saw
In the darkness I recall
Feeling the beauty and the pain
And when you call my name
Say you feel the same.

Cause' if you will, I will
Try to let it go
And if you try, I'll try
Try to let it show.

And if you will, I will
Try to let it go
And if you try, I'll try
Try to let it show us the way
'Cause love is here to stay
Just look me in the eye
This is do or die
And I will stay in love
'Til you say enough
There is no giving in
There is no giving up in love
In love, in love
We're in love

I cannot disappear...
I've tried again and again and again...

P/s ; Don't go disappearing again.

If you leave ;

Say that you're halfway around the world; away from home.
Alone in a stranger's world ;
Who is the first person that come to your mind, to talk on the phone to?

Say that you're watching a bloody sad love movie ;
And you cried.
Who is in your mind; the one that you picture is one of the character in the movie?

Say that you've been having one hell of a year;
And you need someone to talk to, even you haven't talk to she/he for ages;
Who would it be? That certain person you keep coming back to?

Can that someone be the one that doesn't give you anything, but stole your heart?

Do all these make sense?

Selfish ; when is it really selfish? Self-centered. I've realized I am self-centered at times. Well most of the time maybe. Somebody please ; read me like a book.

Bloody over-rated feeling.

Bloody Mary ;

I wish sometimes that maybe someone could just read me like a book, understand and anticipate more. And at the end of the day, evaluate where do I stand right now. To tell you the truth ; often I do not know where I stand or what exactly I want. Its as if I wait for someone to tell me what I want. As if. Maybe. Or maybe I am too afraid of myself ; stupid? Afraid that I am not making the right choice or that I might get lost in the path I chose. Or along the way I tend to break. Go with the flow they say; but how am I suppose to? Now its as if its related to my crystal ball post. Whether you would choose to gaze inside or not. Right now? Please God help me.

Let me ask you ; when you said "We would have to wait then and if fate has decided, maybe then it'll work,"; do you think it would actually come true or it was just some kind of false hope ; a make believe? But let me tell you this ; it works awkwardly, the least unexpected thing. It may work so fast you wouldn't think it is fate but it is just coincidence. But then you would stop to think would coincidence lead to fate? And by then ; you would be as good as a caged bird? Trapped in between the appreciated life inside a lonely cage and the life outside - filled with harm and colors of the world ; and you would know that feeling is plastered for as long as you can remember. Then you would feel powerless ; you would just curl on the bed.

Have you ever sing along with tunes that sing your heart out loud but no one actually understands why? The ones that you weep while you were singing with a smile. The ones that sail you across your memories. And I tell you ; every song tells a story.

Immaturity ; defined as lack of normal maturity. But what is the precise maturity? Its too abstract, too vague. You may say one is immature because she is always jumping and not acting her age ; but her shoe size. Or you may say one is immature because he makes early decisions. But another may say you are immature. Because you point you finger and hide the truth. So answer me if you know ; what is immaturity and who is right?

These posts ; have no absolute nothingness ; its as good as digesting my heart and head out.

"Do you believe in fate?"
"Or do you believe in coincidence that leads to fate?"

Wednesday the 14th.

"It takes hell a lot of love"

David Gray;


P/s : Sijil Pelajaran Malaysia results are coming out SOON;
grab your copy at your school.

The weatherman says goodnight.

Something cracks me up on the inside. It was a breezy morning I tell you; Thursday mornings.
I have a feeling I'm going to enjoy Thursday mornings. As most of you are aware; (ok maybe only one of you) that on Thursdays; its a friggin ample day for me. One class ; 1500hours-1700hours. And this is going to sound like an over-rated blog entry; but what the heck. Anyway, the morning was breezy, literally. Its hard to not get a cold- considering I have a sensitive nose in Nilai. Yes, even if you are not in an air-conditioned room. You see, its surrounded by the forest, hills etc. OK, basically, very sejuk-lah. And as usual I finished making up my room around 7 plus plus or so. Then there I would be, on the chair at the desk, with the speakers singing songs for me. What? I was studying ok. I had my mid term for ENG-140 at 1500hours. But I enjoyed my morning I swear, the sun was up, providing sun rays for my laundry! ( Yes Paperbagged; saya dah faham the art of laundry. ) Then my mp3 player was playing breezy songs for me ;

Geek Love
I don't do crowds
Books written for girls.
ETC.

Wei saya gila suka lah pagi semalam.

If you have any idea why, please fill me in.

There was a group of guys + a girl - fighting, STTTTREEEEETCHHIIIINNNGGG their lungs out in the cafeteria. I was just about to enjoy my Thursday in Starbaker ( Lebih kurang koman lah nak ikut Starbucks ) and have a nice lunch there, but ended up watching the fight from behind a plant. Er, I was very takut lah! I swear it was very scary. There was this guy running towards the madding crowd + the very sibuk me. Only I was still behind the plant. Oh and I noticed it was really green too. And I had to tiptoed because apparently the plant was taller than me. Thats when I saw it was a bunch of friends of my friends, only I'm not closed to them and so I just "konon-konon" tak sibuk lah by making my way to the cafeteria and buy lunch kan. Then my dean was there and her tiny voice struggled between the raging angst voices. Then she managed to pull it off. And the crowd fade. Thats when I went around searching for food, and as usual was at the mamak AND, the mamak was peeping from outside at the back of the kitchen, BECAUSE THEY CONTINUED FIGHTING NEXT TO THE CANTEEN. MAD I TELL YOU. Sampai the guy jatuh jatuh, and all the books pun, the shoes terbukak. (I tengok dari tepi lah)

SNM : "Ne, saya nak makan lah! Ne sibuk lah jangan lah sibuk sibuk tgk org gaduh"
Because he was PEEPING KAN, AND HE WAS ON SOMETHING HIGH SO THAT HE CAN SEE. Funny lah.

Ne: " =) Nasi putih? "

Er. Jangan lah tanya saya kenapa saya cerita pasal ni, kelakar lah.

So I ate, alone. AND THE FIGHT CONTINUED. Then I messaged my friend saying that the friends got involved in a fight. Just to inform I guess? I thought I was doing the right thing.
Anyways, there's a reason behind this, I have a question behind this scene, but yah enough lah for now.

YA ALLAH; my language and the sentences structures are so kelam kabut for this post. Er. Ok seriously, later.

Cheers.

Seed.

Here's to failure to study;

Daddy's little girl. Doesn't it move your little heart when you see a pregnant woman, calling her dad; daddy? Doesn't it make you want to tear? Even when she's going to be a mother soon, in a few months time, she is still; daddy's little girl. I assure you, despite all the hectics that have been going on with you and you dad, and if you're the only girl, or the youngest among the girls, you are still daddy's little girl. It just moves me when you still get to remember things you use to do with your father like; running around the garden during fasting month and eating Postman-Pat chocolates from London - when you're suppose to be fasting. Or like the time you were chased around in a hotel in Rome with a belt because you said; bodoh. Or like the time he bought you a pink, star-shaped Polly Pocket? Or the time he got back from Hong Kong, with boxes of barbie dolls stuffs? Now all you can watch is a 3 year old you on tape, running around with your father and mother. Tell me all about it; watching a kid version of you, mumbling words you can't hardly understand.

But He took me here, He took me here; so there's a reason to it.

Have you watched the world below; almost lifeless? Almost like the plugged in legos you used to play back in pre-school. You feel so high up, you can watch the whole thing and you're far away from the hustle and bustle of town. You wonder whether the people down there know that you're up above them; watching them; watching how tiny they are, how insignificant they are compared to everything that He has created. Have you ever wonder how they could just build and demolish something; almost like it doesn't mean anything to them? Heartless, not knowing in meant the world to a handful. Not knowing its the rice pot to families, not knowing its the love of their life, not knowing its historical features.

I watch my life from 50 feet.

And on the way back from class; I have seen something so; well, indescribable.

Block; HB; Nilai International College. 1705 hours.




Pray to God; he hears you.

Destiny.

"Its Yuan-fen"
-Jason Lee Siew Long ; Sepet.

"I'm not saying that you're not my destiny; I really know you are. What I'm trying to say is; I don't know whether that you are my only destiny."
-Summer Roberts ; The O.C.

Destiny ; if you ought to be given a chance to peep into your destiny would you jump to the chance? I know you've been thinking whether he/she is your destiny, or your career its your destiny, to pursue your life. Or whether you're destined to stay at the same stage till you spell your last words.


And when you've peeped into your future, would you choose to believe that it'll happen exactly like what you saw in the magic crystal ball? If it doesn't fit your "make-believed" destiny, would you tremble and worry so hard that it makes you curl on the bed and try to hold on something so strong that assures you IT IS your destiny? Would you convince yourself that to look into a crystal ball is superstitious and only God knows what is held for you? After all, even if its destined, it is all in your hands ; you have to make it work.


But when you see in the crystal ball; and you see what you want, how will you react?
Would you jump up and down; all psyched out? It is after all what you've been wanting.
You can plan every single detail ahead. It is after all the planning that make life easier to run.
Or would you sit and think ; is that what you really want? Do you actually deserve what you want? Because life doesn't always go the way that you want. Would you be contented or would you fill yourself with doubt? If its meant to be; you know its hard to believe, because throughout; it was just something to fantasizes about, something to hold inside your brain that you've got to work hard to achieve it.

Lipgloss and Make-up
Have you ever believed that there was only one better half for you out there - your destiny?
But it all falls apart, and you don't know where to go from here.
And thats when your brains start to work and your eyes start to pop out.
Get working child; life's ahead you! A-hoy!

Watch The O.C. 413


P/s : I love you.

Stop reading me like a novel.

A few stops to home.

I know how the system works. It just gets easier when you know how to work the system. Better yet; manipulate it.

Greedy heartless hounds. I hate being in the pushy crowds; in the steep steps of a crowded bus, in the edge of the railway tracks to the train. They just push you with all their might; not worrying what are the consequences would occur others. Please don't get me wrong; I too tend to go along with the crowd. Epidemic. It eats you up inside and you just, you just have to be one of them. Just to make sure you get what everyone else wants. How you get it, its personal. Only the lucky ones get to know your little secret.But eventually, it never stops within these four walls. Paper thin walls. More like; you can't trust anyone these days. Its like, a joint connection. You trust her. She trusts him. He trusts her. It goes on. It never ends I tell you. So the news spreads. I guess its planted inside every soul. The seed. This seed. The urge to own something - something that everyone craves for. Its just the matter of fact that how far would you want your seed to grow. Sun, rain, drought, flood. You nourish them. Your soul. Be merry kid; work the system or manipulate it.

Another unwritten laws of the complex being. But how many actually practice them? A handful? A pinch of sugar? How many would say thank you; or carve a silent smile to the cashier at your nearby convenient store? Would you wave at the kids on the school bus? Would you pat on the toddler's head? Would you spread the deadly virus? Be a silent activist. These unwritten laws, they more or less would nourish those once innocent souls of the society. As I said, its just the matter of fact on how far would you want your seed to grow. We need to develop the minds of the society, before we develop the land and whatever it is they do to catch up with the world. Be a silent activist; help to build a civilized society.

And we all do miss school. And b* ; high school never ends. It already has.

And suddenly ; I'm in the race.