Dunia Gelap.

Terlantar di atas tilam empuk.
Aku, sebagai penghuni hanya
mengikut kehendak.

Dia yang perkasa dan punyai
kebebasan, ternyata.

Aku, hanya bisa menerokai
ruang, maya.

Dia, statik terlantar; mendongak
ke lelangit kamar.

Aku, seorang peneroka.

Mencari kebebasan, keterujaan, ketenangan,
keindahan, kenyataan, keagamaan. 
Tulen. 

Satu, dua, tiga langkah terukir.
Aku dan Dia bersebati,
menjalani kehidupan - tanpa dua entiti.

Menyanyi riang, bersama adinda.

Mumm-RA!

"Only the journey is written, not the destination"

Mummy Returns.

Mirror images

In compiling parts of an essay from different individuals; it excites me that the similar subject is seen from different viewpoints.

Esse est percipi. 

Peperangan Cognitive,

Mereka bilang semuanya hanya permainan minda. 

Benar, aku hanya berbalas dengan rentak kepala. 
Aku pun hidup mengalunkan prinsip itu.

Seakan dan seiring dengan sejuta perihal dunia; 
mudah diperkatakan.

Tetapi, untuk dilaksanakan; 
suatu persoalan yang tiada peleraian.

Bacalah, diseru untuk membaca.
Bukan hanya kini, dan sekarang,
namun bekalan tiba besok, dan lusa.

Apabila tiba hari-hari yang kita sedia 
untuk menoleh ke belakang dan berbisik,

"Intrusive thinking is a bitch, but hey;
it got me here."

Because you're interesting,

"Nadrah, I really think you should meet my friend,"

"Whatever for?"

"You kept saying you wanted to meet someone interesting.. So I thought of patching you two up."

Memang aku terus tukar topik general lah. Ada ke? I can meet someone interesting at anytime, only I don't want to. Faham?

Intrusive thinking is a bitch, okay tak ada kena mengena.

Persis, adalah aku dan mereka.

Mereka datang. Mereka pergi.
Bukan mengikut kehendak mereka,
namun rentak emosi aku.

Persis, melaungi melodi dan irama
nada buah pemikiran mereka.
Kedengaran.

Punyai bernih.

Mereka teriak.
Aku menyahut riang,
berdansa mengikut rentak, berlagu.

Engkau.

Kosong.

Mereka datang. Mereka pergi.
Bagaikan musim yang tidak konsisten.

Jangan persoalkan mereka,
tanyai aku. 

Walaupun aku tidak tahu.

Engkau.

Seperti soalan cepumas kehidupan.

Aku persis menyoal.

Girl with one eye,

Dalam single Rachael Yamagata yang baru, Elephants, dia mendendangkan tentang how people should sleep with an eye open, just to be on the safe side - being falling in love and all.

Namun, Florence menyanyikan tentang konsep yang begitu lain tentang gadis bermata satu.

Mata satu. Mata satu. Tak lah, cakap je.

Malas nak menulis lah, banyak assignment.

Ke(a)wangan.

Aku mahu kecapi awangan.

Mungkin bukan awangan,

tapi seakan-akan.

Sesuatu yang berada di atasan.

Mengapai bidang langit yang membiru,

luas. 

Tiada had batasan.

Aku mahu kecapi.

Tapi, aku tidak mahukan sayap,

burung besi atau yang seakan.

Aku mahu kecapi,

dengan cara aku tersendiri.

Tapi, apa?

There were days I don't think poems are corny. But, today I do. 

The year that was, (3)

Unintended, Muse

You could be my unintended

Choice to live my life extended
You could be the one I'll always love
You could be the one who listens to my deepest inquisitions
You could be the one I'll always love

Ill be there as soon as I can
But Im busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before

First there was the one who challenged
All my dreams and all my balance
She could never be as good as you

You could be my unintended
Choice to live my life extended
You should be the one I'll always love

I'll be there as soon as I can
But Im busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before

I'll be there as soon as I can
But Im busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before

Before you

2006. On text messaging - studying for Kimia:
A: Who are you?
B: Your deepest inquisition.
A: Muse?
B: Yeah.

I dare you to move now, deepest inquisition.

The blame game,

Saya tipu bila saya kata tak kisah. Betul, saya tak tipu.

Tak tau lah nak cakap macam mana. Tapi, saya tak tipu. 

Saya tak nak tipu, tapi merunsingkan kepala otak, jadi saya tipu.

Jadi, jikalau saya tipu dan tak tipu dalam sekaligus - apa kamu nak buat?

Nothing. I knew it. Malas lah saya, menyampah juga.

Baca buku lagi best. 

8-). 8, fucking -).

Tentang Percintaan.

Boy A: What's your stand on guys who approach girls at your local kopi shop? Fear is such a big mofo to guys.

"It's a new approach to dating? Personally, I'd turn them down. Gila infatuated by physicals je!"

Boy B: How's life? No boys at college?

"Banyak je. Not interested. Drama je kang"

Girl A: Rindu berpacaran

"Rindu jugak"

Boy A: Shallow girls are a big turn off. Physicals first, intellects next.

"How can you tell if she's an intellectual? Btw, intellectual boys are rare species"

And I have found one intellect. Satu. One. Uno. Oi, aku kat sini oi! 

'Someday,'

Plans. We all make them. Major or minor, we all make them. It could be just a small arrangment to meet up over supper, or it could be a major one regarding our dreams. That investment you plan to grow whilst you live up for a couple of years.

The thing about plan is that it helps us go through unfamiliar grounds. Foreign emotions, alien environments, strange situations. We think plans would help us go through those, or at least ease the burden. Inconsistencies aren't exactly our expertise in our lives, because we adapt to the consistencies of our lives. Really, even the Circadian Cycle has the whole 24-hour and 25-hour concept.

A slight change can disrupt our physiological and psychological equilibrium.

Sure we can be ready to face them in the future. I mean, we have the help of our darling wiser and aged generations namely our family, closed acquaintances and such. They could facilitate by their tales. But really, they are mere stories. Much like what we watch on the telly or read in books.

We could have our lives plan out. We could have the whole financial scheme, and the hope that life will be much ease. We could sign up for family planning, telling you the appropriate time to have kids and what not. We could have the rough draft of where to work, where to pursue your Masters.

But would all these things immune the self from the alien routines, and emotions? From the much bigger things to come in the future. That giant leap(s) of faith.

What if, things that were not part of the plan occur?

You could have been in the Dean's List your entire tertiary study life, but still be unemployed. You could have graduated a Summa for all I care, but you don't have the ability to be an outstanding employee.

You could expect a miniature you a little too early.

And you think to yourself, this was not part of the plan. What do I do next? Do I bend and break? Sink or swim? Adapt or flow?

Your frames of references, they'd grow weirder too. Adapting baby aliens into your life. Soon, you might speak in some weird ass alien language. Illuminating some weird lime green light from your eyes. Hence, changes the way how you perceive the world.

Or the people you stumbled once upon ancient time ago, they'd be humans. And you, an alien.

Good, because you see world in a different manner. Not conforming nor complying. You stand true to your grounds. After all, aliens have this so called 'advanced' technology than we humans. Lightyears ahead. Bad, if it does not make sense or worse, if aliens are just fictional.



Saya takut lah. Sangat unpredictable hidup kita ni. Tak boleh navigate entirely.

But if you have your iPod on shuffle, that's a different story.

Glamarous, Indie Rock and Roll.

Indie. Independence. Conformity. Collectivism. Individualists. Compliance.

Entah. Agak-agaknya, macam mana? Malas lah nak bercerita pasal ni, banyak blog yang sudah membuat ulasan tentang isu ini. Isu lahirnya generasi 'intellektual', 'unik', 'indie' atau 'individualistik'. It's like fucking 'Renaissance' dalam dunia globalisasi. Lagipun, pos-pos lama aku mungkin ada unsur hatred tentang orang yang conform dan menjatuhkan nilai significant suatu unsur sosial yang unik.

Kalau kita banyakkan lagi pos macam ni, nilai significant nukilan ni lagi turun. The bloody currency. Macam duit daun pisang. Kita tak nak lah jadi macam kat Indonesia, berjuta-juta rupiah. Tetapi, beberapa ratus je. Not cool, my friend. Macam tipu diri sendiri je.

Makan pizza, dengar Bat for Lashes baca untuk kuiz besok lagi best.

Sayang korung.

Superzlan.

"Haih you of all ppl i expect nt to be fooled nad."

Good boy friend, on my petty life events.  

I smiled reading this, because although he was partially mocking me, but at least he knows me well enough to know that in mundane circumstances I know what to do and what not to do. Only this one, it has a little twist.

And he knows well enough what this is about when I texted,

"I'm not going to say it. Because I always say the same thing to you, you'll get bored."

The year that was, (2)

Sebab Coldplay suka sangat pergi Singapore. Benci. Sebab lagu ni, sudah sangat berkurun - 9 tahun. Dan juga, sebab you and I are almost in our 20s. 

Yellow, Coldplay.

Look out the stars, look how they shine for you,
and everything you do. 
They were all yellow.

I came along, I wrote a song for you.
And all the things you do, and it was called yellow.

So then I took my turn, oh what a thing to have done 
And it was all yellow.

Your skin, oh, your skin and bones.
Turn into something beautiful.
You know, you know I love you so.
You know, I love you so.

I swam across. I jumped across for you.
Oh, what a thing to do. 
Cause you were all yellow.

I drew a line, I drew a line for you.
Oh, what a thing to do.
And it was all yellow.

Your skin, oh yeah your skin and bones.
Turn into something beautiful.
Do you know, for you I'd bleed myself dry.
For you, I bleed myself dry.

It's true. Look how they shine for you.
Look how they shine for you.

I have always said that people are persistent but never myself. I believe strongly in schematas, because they build these idealistic concepts be it on anything or anyone at all. Unlike most of my mental frames, this is one of those ancient schemas that have been persistent every now and then. And Yellow, might have been the starting point. 

E²=MC.

The thing about me and exams is that, we're never good buddies. No, really. Never. Exams, they chew my head off with their super extraordinary sharpen teeth. They too, argue a hell lot with my mind. It gets really annoying, and can eat me from the inside.

But then again, who are ever good buddies with Exams?

They say, keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer. So I did. Exams. Enemies. E² = MC. Mind corruption, bukan MC Hammer, Can't Touch This. Saya curi Einstein punya formula asal, E = mc². Sebab saya bercita-cita nak jadi genius macam dia.

Back when I was sitting for my public exam, SPM; I kept comparing my grades with the other Smart Asses in class. You see, 5B is full with the smarty pants. No, really. 14 A1s, 12 A1s, 11A1s, 9 A1s. And blog readers, you have seen my results kan? So yes. Pressure kot.

But that's not the point. Have you ever ask yourself what really differentiates the top, average and the not-so-outstanding students (in the context of grades)? 

Active and Passive learners. The whole associations between prior and new knowledge. The concept of schema etc.

Apart from that, it's just the bloody war inside your head and your mind. Self pre-occupying intrusive thinking. From the book, they say that one who has a stronger power motive has a higher tendency to experience self pre-occupying intrusive thinking; neuroticisim.

I just have one question: How on earth do you people keep your psychological equilibrium in tact before exam papers?

At the end of the day, psychological equilibrium is still the shiznit. It's the bloody core, yaw.

(Ipat kat hayap hal kan detarrevo nak eerged ygolohcysp ualak uak taub tsuj rof eht ekas fo ti)

"Bizarre love triangle,"

Love. Cinta. Infatuation. Sayang.

People date around. People meet new people. People reminisce about people from the past. People fall in love. People get infatuated. People love.

I am generalizing that come February throughout April of every year, relationships break. Habits dissolve. Love, may or may not remain. I generalize because the people around me shatter during these months of every year. A collective information.

But that's about relationships, habits and affections - the whole exclusive dating. Love, may or may not remain. Sternberg's Triangle of Love claims that there are three main components in Love - Intimacy, Passion and Commitments.

Once, I asked, and the question still remains: If being in love is only made for two people, what happens to the others who might be in love with either of the two?

No, nothing like that at all. You see, as I said, people meet new people, people reminisce about the people from the past. People claim they fell in love with a particular person from the past.

Many years down the road, these people have bundled a collective amount of traits, characteristics, like and dislikes, perceptions, personality, philosophy of that specific somebody. These people can even write a book about that particular person for all I care. 

But that's just about it. These people just look from afar. They get tongue tied when they meet, but you swear, you can feel that electricity. You swear, the intensity of the bloody chemistry is at the highest volt from Milgram Experiment. But the perfect words never seem to come.

At the same time however, these people meet new people. They think of that specific somebody every now and then, even before they go to sleep. Get connected through a satellite and some over-rated tool of communication like the online social network. 

And so they start to distinct that specific sombedy and the new people. Infatuations for the specific somebody. And date around with the new people, probably a light for Love. For a future, to achieve somewhat a piece of Happiness. To reproduce. To fulfil that norm of being an adult and to have a family to call your own.

But at the same time, persistence of this so called Infatuation is just so high at its own momentum. Even if these people date around with the new people, that specific somebody is just so powerful. However, these people feel somewhat incomplete without that specific somebody - distinctions or no.

(or maybe it's just the idealistic schema that these people have made for that particular somebody?) One who complements. 

So, is it still Infatuation? There you go, your very own Signal Fire.

The year that was,

Lagu-lagu, menjadi suatu bahan yang dapat meluahkan perasaan kita. Lirik-lirik lagu, menjadi suatu puisi seragam yang menyatukan semua insan yang melalui fasa yang seakan dengan kita. Namun, seperti medium yang lain di dalam kehidupan kita, lagu-lagu pupus dari ingatan kita setelah di ganti dengan yang baru. 

Tetapi, apabila kita terdengar kembali lagu-lagu zaman lalu, kita tersenyum sendirian. Kerana lagu-lagu ini, telah menjadi teman baik kita, seusia yang lalu.

Crumbs, Disagree

Big World, says he wants to
see the light for once.
Well, maybe if you try.

It's so sad, babe don't look so sad.
I've got it wrong today.

And if she doesn't go your way,
look up to blue skies and say,
"Hey, it's okay".

I've been wrong today,
I've been wrong always.
I've been wrong so,
won't you come my way?
I was wrong today.

Ketika lagu ini sakan diudarakan di radio, diputarkan saban hari, aku hampir menduduki PMR. Cuba memahami apa ertinya apabila seseorang itu dimanipulasikan. Sibuk membeli album Disagree, At The End of The Day. Dan diberitahu bahawa Crumbs, kedengaran lebih baik di dalam Homemade Jam.