Tragedi Oktober,

Selamat hari raya aidilfitri para pembaca.
Maafkan aku jikalau aku tersalah bahasa dan
menyiggung perasaan kamu semua, samaada
di blogosfera mahupun di luar.
Jikalau aku telah menyentuh perkara-perkara
sensitif di dalam entri-entri aku yang terdahulu.
Atau aku telah memerli kamu secara
subtle di dalam blog ini. Sekali lagi,

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri.
Maaf Zahir dan Batin.

The world is not free from..

Racism.

Those answers that the beauty pageants contestants always talk about when they say, "World peace" might be the most ridiculous answer. What more cliched. But when you think about it, it's the best thing that can happen to all of us.

To have an ideal world, an utopia might be absurd to many. Especially to those realists.

For many years, people have fought and talked about racism. I first came across the word Apartheid back when I was 8. And I thought to myself, the 'blacks' are actually looked down upon? Because I never had a problem playing with my fellow Malaysians.

But let's face it.. We are living in a world full of discrimination in many forms. Be it just by the brands and price of your clothes, or the clique that you hang out with, or even by your income group. And discriminating race, blood and heritage is new to us?

I mean come on, we are only different on the surface because we are just different physically. You have sepet eyes, I have darker skin than your kuning langsat skin. You have curly hair, and I have straight hair.

But that does not mean we are different on the inside. Both you and I are pretty much the same. We share the same airwaves, the same interest in music, movies, reading materials. Even passion. Both you and I love nasi lemak, roti canai, char koay and such.

Then why are we still talking language of the fools? Of 'pendatang' Tanah Melayu, of 'UITM hak bumiputra' (those stickers on cars are truly annoying although I must say the design is pretty)?

Hitler was wrong because he was preached by Liebenfels' polarized distortions of Darwin's Natural Selection theory. Hitler overemphasized on the Germans' superiority, and the Jews' inferiority, and his absurd thoughts on Darwin's theory of survival.

North America (backs in the 70s) had a rule at parks whereby the African-Americans were not to drink from the water fountains, and the water fountains were only privileged to the whites.

Malaysians, decided that unity built Malaysia.

After 51 years however, some decided that his(her) fellow Malaysians are mere 'pendatang' and his(her) own kind are the sole citizens of this tiny part of the Earth. Some fight for their privilege in the leading Uni of Malaysia, by putting up stickers on their rides.

Not promoting Marxism or anything, but it's just 10%. Healthy competition against the other 'kinds' is not all that bad. You talk of the 'Ah longs' making the economy grow, you talk of the 'Rajus' being in violence and disrupting peace. But those 'Alis', most are just happy riding on their kapchais. Some, are exploring the boundaries of the bumiputra privileges, and the ketuanan.

But when you leave them to explore on their own feet, how many of them could talk of the other entity of the physical world? How many can see beyond the boxes? Has being 'in their own kind' after so many years help many?

Try to talk to someone not of your kind. Yes, they might appear different from the outside. But you do share a common ground. Like the habit in the morning being caught in traffic, listening to 'Gotcha' on our local radio station.

We might look different from each other on the outside, but we do feel the same basic feelings like Love and Peace.

Turner dan ketidakstabilan minda,

Maafkan aku, tetapi aku harus melepaskan ketidakstabilan aku kepada sesuatu. Dan aku telah memilih mangsa aku.

Aku mengasihani kepada teman-teman lelaki yang harus menemani teman-teman wanita mereka di dalam sesi 'pelacuran kamera'. Maksud aku, jikalau teman lelaki perempuan itu seseorang yang memerlukan pemujaan yang konsisten seperti yang lain, tidak mengapa. Kedua teman lelaki dan teman wanita sehati-sejiwa, walaupun itu bermaksud sesi 'pelacuran kamera'.

Tetapi, kepada teman-teman lelaki yang terpaksa melayani kerenah teman-teman wanita mereka ini?

Dan juga, jikalau engkau berjalan-jalan membeli-belah untuk perayaan yang bakal menjelang, ataupun sesi melepak bersama rakan-rakan, engkau tidak perlu membawa kamera ke mana-mana sahaja dan menangkap setiap saat dan setiap gerak-geri engkau di dalam pusat membeli-belah itu.

Maksud aku, minggu hadapan, kita semua akan ke tempat yang sama semula. Hari ini sudah 'melacur' terhadap kamera, minggu hadapan, apabila kita ke tempat yang sama (cuma berbaju/outfit berlainan), adakah kita akan 'melacur' terhadap kamera lagi?

Oh lupa, of course we are! (we're in different outfits silly! Nevermind the place)

Apatah lagi, apabila mereka dedikasikan sebuah album untuk waktu riadah itu di 'mukabuku'.

Rakan sekelas aku yang agak distant, mengatakan secara terbuka, bahawa aku mempunyai isu-isu yang sehubung dengan perkara-perkara ini. Juga, isu-isu yang setema dengan ini.

Tetapi benar, sesi 'pelacuran kamera' tiap detik? Puh-lease.

Maaf, minggu depan lepas cuti, jangan pula kamu semua tidak mahu bercakap dengan aku di kolej. Aku hanya sekadar melepaskan geram. Mementingkan diri juga lah kiranya. Tetapi tidak mengapa, hari Rabu dah Syawal.

This place is getting old,

The third reich.

Somebody get me the hell out of this rut.

Gigi Rongak (Senget?),

Entri sebelum ini aku telah menceritakan tentang Alex Turner dan alam percintaannya. Tetapi hari ini, aku akan menyatakan tentang kisah Ben Gibbard pula. Kisah percintaan Ben Gibbard menyatakan bahawa dia telah membina sebuah mahligai di dalam hatinya. Namun, mahiligai itu telah hancur akibat diperbuat daripada kayu usang. Ben Gibbard juga telah mengulangi bahawa, si dia tidak akan dapat menjumpai apa-apa pun, kerana dari mulanya, memang tiada kimia di antara mereka. Ben Gibbard juga mengatakan bahawa peperangan dua entiti di antara minda dan hatinya, merupakan dirinya yang sebenar. Kemudian, dia mengulangi lagi;

"Cause you can't find nothing at all, if there was nothing there all along."

Oh, dan bebe memintai aku mengucapkan Selamat Hari Lahir yang ke-17 kepadanya walaupun aku telah memberitahunya bahawa Jane tidak membuat Birthday shout outs (kerana ianya tidak relevan, aku hanya perlu mengucapkan secara persendirian bukan?) di blog dia. Untuk mengelakkan perbalahan kata, aku pun mengatakan okay. Maka, selamat hari jadi ke-17 Kido!

Dynamite,

Apa lagi yang dapat menemani diri selain Alex Turner mendendangkan lagu tentang kisah pemukauan seseorang terhadap dirinya walaupun si dia tidak melakukan apa-apa. Tidak adil, bukan? Alex Turner mepertaruhkan si dia tentu kelihatan hebat berdansa. Alex Turner juga tidak tahu bahawa si dia sedang memantau untuk sebuah kisah romantis atau tidak. Senang cerita, Alex Turner tak tahu apa yang si dia cari. Tetapi Alex Turner tahu bahawa si dia tetap akan kelihatan hebat berdansa.

Maybe not the dancing thing, because we don't do that. But you know.. It isn't fair.

Komplikasi pada pagi Sabtu.

Aku sering cemburu akan orang-orang yang mampu membuat keputusan dengan peratusan kepastian yang tinggi. Maksud aku, kebolehan mereka untuk mengetahui tujuan mereka dan mengetahui bahawa tujuan itulah yang mereka mahukan. Mereka tidak sekali pun mengalami keraguan akan platfom yang mereka pilih untuk di adaptasikan di dalam hidup mereka.

Perkara seperti ini, mungkin akan di ambil mudah sekiranya ia melibatkan perkara yang remeh seperti hendak memilih warna baju kurung mahupun baju melayu sempena Aidilfitri yang bakal menjelang. Atau menjawab soalan mudah seperti 'Anda seorang yang lebih cenderung kepada perisa Cokelat ataupun Vanila?'. Jikalau anda seorang yang teknikal seperti aku, lain cerita. Soalan-soalan seperti ini, amat sukar untuk aku jawab dengan kepastian yang sungguh, kerana pilihan-pilihan seperti ini, aku gemari dengan sekata.

Namun, aku lebih tertarik kepada aspek yang lebih besar.

Aku sering tertanya, bagaimana seseorang itu memanggil dirinya seorang yang mengikuti ideologi sesuatu platfom. Seperti menjadi pengikut kepada parti politik tertentu atau pengikut ideologi Totalitarian atau Fascist atau Tyranny seperti contoh. Alang-alang sandiwara politik semakin hangat pada musim ini, aku akan memberi contoh politikal. Tetapi, kamu harus ingat, aku berada di garisan neutral.

Pensyarah aku di kampus sering menunding kepada aku apabila beliau memberikan contoh politikal di kelas komunikasi. Beliau telah membuat tuntasan bahawa aku pro-Anwar daripada ulasan-ulasan ringkas di dalam kelas tentang drama politik di negara kita.

Aku tidak tahu bahawa aku harus berterima kasih kepada beliau atau tidak? Kerana aku sendiri, tidak tahu menahu aku berada di platfom mana? Maksud aku, aku tidak tahu bahawa aku harus terus memperjuangkan hak 'kerajaan' kita yang telah lama berdiri teguh, ataupun aku harus membawa pertukaran serta pemikiran liberal ke mukabumi Malaya.

Aku mempunyai dua tahun lagi untuk mencecah 21, mahu mengundi ke tidak? Banyak masa lagi untuk difikirkan. Tetapi, pos ini bukan tentang aku.

Ramai berpendapat mereka sudah muak hendak membaca wawancara-wawancara berunsur politik di dalam akhbar harian. Apabila mereka berkata begitu kepada aku, aku seakan bisu. Tidak tahu bahawa hendak mengiyakan pendapat mereka, atau berkata aku masih tidak muak. Malahan, artikel-artikel tersebutlah yang aku hendak baca di dalam akhbar. Drama para pemimpin kita.

Kemudian, aku juga terpegun dengan kebolehan parti-parti tertentu membuat deklarasi serta ulasan mereka tentang keadaan politik di negara kita. Mereka berpendapat bahawa ISA tidak patut bertindak sedemikian dan sebagainya. Apa kan lagi apabila ramai para bloggers yang menuliskan pendapat mereka, serta menyuarakan pihak mana yang 'benar' dan pihak mana yang 'mengucar-kacirkan' Malaysia, tanah air kita semua.

Seperti aku telah mengatakan di dalam pos-pos lama aku, perkara ini semuanya subjektif. Mereka memimpin negara serta mengimbangkan kebenaran dan kesalahan yang berkaitan dengan negara berpandukan Perlembagaan serta segala fail-fail 'Legal' yang telah dimodifikasikan serta diundi oleh pihak berkuasa. Maka, perkara-perkara 'Legal' ini adalah hasil pihak berkuasa atas apa yang mereka rasakan yang baik, serta yang elok untuk rakyat jelata.

Soalan yang sering dipertanyakan di dalam kelas-kelas psikologi, ia nya mungkin legal tetapi adakah ia beretika?

Namun, apa akan terjadi sekiranya interpretasi serta definisi kita semua berbeza?

Maksud aku, ISA telah menahan individual-individual ini atas interpretasi mereka terhadap perbuatan individual-individual tersebut. Sudah tentu, pihak ISA telah berpandukan panduan mereka. Tetapi, ramai yang berada di luar sana, telah memberi definisi yang lain terhadap panduan-panduan ISA ini. Hasilnya? Mereka tidak berpuas hati.

Entahlah, mungkin inilah kehidupan. Semuanya berbeza. Definisi kita semua berbeza. Legalisme serta etika? Mereka bagaikan air dan minyak.

* Dan jika aku seorang hacker yang hebat, aku akan hack ke dalam komputer jiran aku, kerana dia, telah memasang lagu Trance berunsur Ayutrance dengan kuat, malahan aku, mendengar lagu The Killers. Hendak mengadakan battle kekuatan speaker Subwoofer kami, namun, aku mengingatkan diri aku bahawa, kita harus hidup secara tamadun. WEH BABI SIAL, LAGU DIA TAK BEST. Tau tak, ia bagaikan air dan minyak?

Jumaat, aku telah jatuh cinta.

Pada hari-hari yang lain aku merasakan bahawa untuk mendengari lagu The Cure yang berjudul Friday, I'm in love tidak begitu afdal. Kerana A) hari tersebut bukanlah hari Jumaat dan B) I'm not fucking in love.

Pada pagi ini, aku mendengari lagu yang sama dengan semangat tahun 70-an bersama band-band berunsur punk yang berasaskan idealogi anarchist, aku merasakan yang sama. Tetapi, lagu Friday, I'm in love pada pagi Jumaat agak afdal kerana A) hari ini hari Jumaat dan B) aku bertanya, 'Is this love?'. Dan aku tidak berfikir panjang, kerana aku mengetahui ianya akan tetap statik. Ianya mungkin tidak akan direalisasikan walaupun sudah berzaman lamanya.

Tetapi ketika aku mendengari lagu Editors,( tiada kena mengena dengan zaman Punk mahupun Anarchist) baru seketika tadi aku merasakan aku hendak menyanyi lagu Friday, I'm in love. Dan aku merasakan ianya agak afdal, kerana hari ini masih hari Jumaat dan B) figure it yourself genius.

Mahu bernyanyi bersama aku tak?

Between everything there lies,

Pragmatic (functional) truth.

Have you ever had those days where you feel like strangling the person who just does not listen what are you trying to say? I mean, both of you do not see eye to eye, you both are not on the same page. In any case, this often happens in an intimate relationship. The little arguments over tiny issues that would lead to a rowdy tension?

Your girlfriend would kill you because you went out for drinks with a couple of girl friends from work simply because she's possessive. But to her, it is because you too, are possessive of her. Why not be equal then?

On a lighter note, your girlfriend is insecure because you're charming with the girls and even if they had their own partners, flings are usually harmless nay? You too would not want your girl to have flings with other boys. Hence, one day over dinner, she expresses her dissatisfaction through her subtle non-verbal gestures and cynical statements. You get the hint. You blow your angst disproportionately.

Maka dengan itu, terciptalah perbalahan kata. Jikalau di antara kamu bertuah, mungkin terjadinya kelakuan kasar seperti perkataan-perkataan kesat atau intonasi yang tidak menyenangkan.

It is tough when both of the parties aren't being rational and "adult" over the discomfort agruments. I mean, sure an arguement is healthy. But it really would not go anywhere when both insist on getting their point as THE truthful one. It wouldn't go anywhere if you would want the absolute truth, and not the truth.

I mean, come one. Let's face it. Everything in this world is beautifully (and sometimes despressingly) subjective. Say you are going to point A from home. I'm sure there are many routes to it. And when you really think about it, these routes aren't much different. But why, why would you want to use the route that you have chosen?

Similarly, a subject is approached differently by various individuals. In our intimate relationship case, the boyfriend believes of his pragmatic truth whereas the girlfriend too, believes in her pragmatic truth. But their truths are varied at some point due to many factors that have been influencing their lives.

No matter how much swear words you throw to your partner, no matter how many stuffs you throw at him/her, no matter how much time you spend trying to sense him/her with your point, it would not work if your partner has insisted on his/her pragmatic truth.

It might probably work, if both stand on neutral grounds. Listen openly, evaluate, then find mutual grounds. Work from there.

Likewise with what's happening, the P.M might see its best for him to put divisions his original jobs with his D.P.M. But some might just not like it, because it's simply absurd. Some (like Little Miss Seputeh) might see that the volume of the Azan is a little too loud.

Some might see Julius Caesar as a tyrant, and decided to kill him in the Senate itself.

You see, you and I, just like these public figures and politicians are just people who are holding close to their pragmatic truth, to their functional truth. The question of whether it is right or wrong, also, is subjective. The norm says its wrong but some other norm might say it is right.

Pragmatic (functional) truth.

It is easy to speak our own words attached even with the slightest influenced of one's own functional truth. It is easy to judge others' doings that are based on their functional truth.
But what is not easy is to not be bias. You and I are bias even at the slightest bit. We say words align with our pragmatic truth, even if it goes or does not go with the norm.

Maka dengan itu, di dalam hubungan percintaan kamu, janganlah keras kepala dengan harapan dapat menerangkan secara rasional tentang ulasan kamu terhadap si dia. Tidak akan ke mana-mana pun. Aku sarankan, diam sahaja dan senyum. Terangkan keresahan anda dan berharap dia menelannya dengan matang, dan jikalau dia mahu bertengkar juga, padamkan telefon kamu. Dunia ni ramai lagi lelaki dan perempuan.

Then again, we live beautifully with flavors.

Percubaan entri 2.

Aku harus berkata, tahun ini adalah suatu tahun yang meriah setelah sekian lama. Bukan mengharap, cuma mesej tersirat telah menusuk jiwa dan raga. Ramai insan yang telah mengenali aku, dan juga telah bersabar dengan kerenah-kerenah tidak logik aku. Mereka tetap di sini. Walaupun peratus kejayaan kejutan tidak menghampiri 100%, namun, it's the thought that counts, eh?

Terima kasih semua. Mama saya best, dia tahu kek kegemaran saya dan juga telah sanggup menutup kebenaran, walaupun beliau berpuasa.

Kawan-kawan saya juga best. MyVi kamu boleh muat 7 orang ke tak? Tak boleh kan? Itu sebab badan-badan kita kecil. Kawan-kawan kamu sanggup berbuka bawang Murtabak sementara menunggu kemunculan kamu tak? Bawang weh, mereka best. Kawan kamu sanggup telefoni kamu dari Dungun dan menghantari teman lelakinya sebagai penganti tak? Tak, sebab kawan kamu mungkin possesive atas teman lelakinya.

Dan jikalau kamu semua menantikan gambar-gambar, seperti mana rakan-rakan aku telah berkata kepada aku atas niat mengutuk secara sinis kepada parti-parti tertentu, "Tell all about this on your blog, with pictures." Hasrat foto-foto kamu, tidak akan tercapai. Kerana A) Aku buruk apabila diselubungi tepung dan B) Foto-foto itu tidak perlu, dan bilangan foto taklah diambil dengan banyak pun.

Saya nak menontoni Rome. Gaius Julius Caesar.

Percubaan entri 1.

Keseimbangan di angkasa?

Mengapa, mereka yang menulis entri pos berbahasa Ibunda seakan seksi, serta menawan? Tidak, bukan tertarik secara fizikal, atau all that mushy crap. Tapi betul, sangat menawan.

Aku, nak menukilkan entri dalam bahasa Ibunda? Mungkin secara lazimnya akan kelihatan seperti, you know, "trying so hard". Bukan itu sahaja, aku tidak hebat seperti Abang Neraka (God I miss reading his stuffs) atau Melayu Minimalis dan penulis-penulis blog yang serumpun dengan mereka.

Tapi tak apa, aku bangga untuk mengetahui segelintir daripada darah muda yang masih membawa kehebatan bahasa kita. Berapa sangat dalam darah muda-mudi kita yang hebat berbahasa Ibunda? Bukan Bahasa Pasar. Tiada "mgkn = mungkin" atau "btl=betul" atau "mnrk=menarik" atau "pg=pergi/pagi" atau "km=kamu" atau "ko=kau".

Mungkin mereka hendak (perlu) membeli huruf vokal?

Empty little notes of Jane's personal life.

Damia Wafa dan Ahmad Irfan.
Daughter and Son of Noor Shakirin dan Mohd. Faisal,
my two annoying cousins,
who insist on calling me ketot.

I love my little niece and nephew.

Darlings are they not?

I'm pulling my heart closer to family.
Tak sabar nak Raya!

Tok Mak called me the other day, early in the morning mind you,
asking me to tell Mama that she wants a new pair of sandals,
and a new phone.

I messaged my Aunt asking about Uncle's DSLR.. which turns out
to be only an SLR. She, being sarcastic as ever
with her husband.

Messaged kakak, wanting her daughter Damia Wafa,
to be my model for my assignment. Asking me how to pay the kid?
Anak dia minum Starbucks, mahal tak budak kecik yang hampir 3 tahun ni?
Mak apa kasi anak dia minum Starbucks weh?
Caramel Machiato lagi tu.
But I think mama dia yang nak minum.

Pieces of the past races,

My earliest memories.
Around the age of 5-6.

1. Running around the garden of my old place, holding those nicely shaped Postman Pat's chocolates Papa bought from London. And being shouted, "Eee. Tak Puasa". Also, during that time, before noon, I'd ask Mama whether I could eat Milo Powder. "Ayang lapar".

2. Calling Papa bodoh in a hotel in Paris, being chased around the hotel room with a belt on his hand, and me running to Mama hugging her at her leg, crying.

3. On our regular trips to Langkawi because of his project there. Pelangi Beach Resort, Desaru and Subang Airport felt like home.

4. After our European trip, I, told Papa that I was lazy to continue to attend my Pre-school. So I sat at home, watching TV 24/7 and the Principal, Mr.Tan, came to my house. Ho ho ho.

5. Getting a Polly Pocket from Toy'R'Us, and having to keep a little secret.

6. Having the best 5th Birthday Party ever. Really, we had Mc Donalds came over to our house, and the Mr. Hambuglar was there too! Playing with us kids. And, the table was filled with birthday presents. Seriously. Big sizes I tell ya'!

**

1. Now, I sit in front of my laptop, waiting for the break fast time, and delaying my textbooks.

2. In coherent with my Eleven Years Ago post, kids nowadays are moving "in advance". I mean, I was a late 80-s baby, and I learned the words such as bodoh, and practice it when I was six. And I think I deserve that belt whipping. Wait, I can't remember whether Papa did hit me. But yes, just make sure you teach your kids well.

3. Lama siot tak pergi Langkawi.

4. Ha ha ha, don't deprive your kids from education.

5. Don't rasuah your kids with toys, gifts or whatever. We're teaching people to not be corrupted, but really, how far has the campaign go? Teach your kids to do the right thing, even if it means bringing the one who is at fault down. Truth hurts, but you know it's the right thing to do.

6. I love my papa and mama. Adik wasn't born yet then. Now, gaduh lah setiap hari dengan Adik.

Back to belajar.

Almost probably,

"And I hear your words
That I made up
You say my name
Like there could be an us
I best tidy up my head
I'm the only one in love
I'm the only one in love,"

Melt my heart to stone.
A.

KBKK bersama Jane.

Most of the time, they preach us to be objective. Simply because, being subjective is never-ending. An open-ended lead. Since school, we were taught to be objective. We never really had those mind provoking subjects. They gave us questions that sounded like, "Pada pendapat anda.." but in marking, its how rationale and how well you've applied your "norm" answers. If you answer has sense in it, and you have provided strong your points are, it does not matter. Because the text books do not allow.

KBKK. Kemahiran befikir secara kritis dan kritikal.

However, this has nothing to do with our Education system.

One's definition to a word differ significantly from various aspects as he/she has varied factors that are contributing in his/her life. For example, when one approaches the term truth. what really is truth?

Take psychology for example. In psychology, we have different approaches to it. For example, we have the biological approach where the traits, hormones and such play significant role to the event. This could be more to the physical approach - based merely on science. Hence, the whole question of body-mind-soul question would be answered merely based on scientific facts and the proofs that are held in one's anatomy. Correspondence Theory. Whatever that are based on facts and science. But through this approach, could they explain the mind entity? The one that is not really located in the brain itself. Does this mind really have a home?

Ironic really, especially when we talk about psychology and the mind (correspondence theory).

Then we have the pragmatic theory to the truth. This functional truth, does not apply merely based on facts or science nor does it apply only after it has a coherence with other statements. But this functional truth, well it is true because the people that believe in it. Sounds better eh? This not only answers your mind-body question. It also has that "abstract" entity in almost everything in life. I mean, come on, how can you not believe in these abstract entities, i.e: mind, hereafter, etc. You would probably end up like Darwin.

I'm not a McDreamy and gang follower, but it was on TV, so I watched it anyway. One of the collegue said that the kid (who has a heart failure) would not survive even though the surgery was a success. The surgeon said, if the kid does not want to have the donated heart, and believes that he should not have the donated heart, the kid's body would reject it. True enough. After all, it's all in the mind.

In StarMag today, there was an article on parapsychology. It was on this whole hypnosis thing and how these psychiatrists (psychologists) discovered the new realm of this treatment, past-life regression. Apparently, patients are "visioned" by their previous lives. Funny as it sounds, but that's what I read.

What caught me was what if this past life regression is true? If it is true, then it is probably confirmed by the correspondence theory. As it has been proven through science, through one's sensory. If it is true, then there is such thing as reincarnation - the ideologies that are held in Buddhism and Hinduism. But if its true, that what happens to my truth? What happens to my functional truth? What happens to my beliefs as a Muslim?

I want to find it for myself, see how far true it is. But i need to persuade mama to drive me there. Malaysia's center for Past Life Regression.

Eleven years ago.

Back when I was eight, I was in this class called 2 Durian. I have no idea why the school management decided to name our classes with fruits. I mean, the usual schools had the flowers for their classes names. But fruits? We had rambai, mata kucing, durian - dan saya tak ingat yang selainnya.

When I was in standard two, I hated the toilets. It was supposed to be a private school and all, and our folks had to pay like what? 2k++ per semester, and yet, the toilet stinks like hell. And also, it had only three cubicles per floor. Macam Sekolah Kebangsaan je.

We had fun during recess, playing those getah and catching grasshoppers at the field during our Breakfast and Lunch breaks. We also had fun playing at those little spaces along the window seals pretending it was home, and each of us are family. The whole, 'I don't like you' and 'I like you' friendships seem to not really matter, we were playing a game. And in that game, we are a family. Family sticks together.

My friend, NJ and I always have toilet trips together after school to wait for our rides home. I never really liked her, for some reason. I was young. I guess it was the norm to pick the people you like, and the ones that you don't really fancy. But I talked to her occasionally, for some reason.

Probably one of the reason I didn't really fancy NJ was because she always talk nonsense. Ridicuolous, absurd stuffs. Bragging about how 'classy' her mother is. Bragging how her mother is called manja. Talking about how the father buys her fancy stuffs.

The kind of people that you would know that the stories are somehow unreal.

But I perfectly remember one day in the toilet changing into our P.E clothes. She told me about how the uncle told her that girls have breasts. At this point, I thought to myself, I mean, we are only eight. Why on earth would you worry about growing breasts? We're supposed to be playing and discover our imaginary skills.

But she did. She talked about breasts. Growing them. She also told me that the uncle said that when a guy touches that part of the chest, it would help the growing process better.

Somehow, through her subtle words I felt that there was an underlying meaning. Well, so I thought and questioned to myself, "Was the uncle molesting her?". The whole thing was just weird, weird. Sick, gross. You name it. I was eight, what the hell was I supposed to do?

I saw her last year. Not pursuing college, working at some store at the local mall. Said she was enganged to be married, to some older guy. And so I thought, what ever happened to her fancy life? Why not college? I still wonder, did the uncle do something awful to her?

You see, that was the year 1997. I knew about the whole "intimacy" thing then. I heard my friend speaking of growing breasts at the age of eight. What do you think the kids at school do today? Do they still play getah during their breaks or probably lubang tikus? Do they exchanged games drawn in exercise books? Do they still talk about cartoons that they watched the day before?

Or are they busy learning the rowdy words that the parents try so hard to forbid us from, bodoh, fuck, bangang, sial, asshole, bitch. Etc. Etc.

Do they go home to their parents and ask, "Mama(Papa), what is sodomy?"

The same question I asked mama when I was nine, a word I learned from the news.

Nyanyi jom.

"O' Bryn, you seek through the dark,
Right pass the fireflies that sleep in my heart,
You know that it's easy to see,
wait for the season, to come back to me."
Bryn.

"Saturday nights in neon lights,
Sunday in the cell ,
Pills enough to make me ill,
Cash enough to make me well,
Take me, take me, to the riot."
Take me to the riot.

"And we can do the zarathustra,
We can do the broken fist,
We can tear down all the borders
or abbreviate the list,
And when finally the finish line
emerges from the mist we'll sound
a soft alarm."
Is this love?

Okay dah lah, cukup dah. Cakap dah, bosan, malas nak fikir panjang-panjang.

Now, who wants to lend me a hand researching on Totalitarian, Benito Mussolini and Adolf Hitler? The whole Nazi movement.

No. telefon kau, aku miliki; Siku.

"I've got your number.

You've got my number."

Just for the sake of updating. Cheerios.

Saya tak boleh buat keputusan, adik-beradik gunting.

Great.

More reasons to be so into.
And I can't do anything about it now can I?

More reasons to think overrated is unavoidable.
All things grow. And I should stop classifying people because of our contradicting lifestyles shouldn't I? Weh, dalam Temperament test saya, it says, Judgmental. Damn it. Now where's my Temperament book?

And all of a sudden we're all whores in the cyber world.

Tapi tak apa, saya tau we do have similarities. I can even list them down if you let me.

"Would you like me to come over?"