Use Somebody

Who wakes up early (and by this I mean at 5 a.m. to 6 a.m.) on a Saturday morning? A handful from my friends list I suppose. Even if they are awake, they were probably partying/socializing last night.

Being the nice sister, I dropped Adik at school for Merentas Desa. Okay actually, am only nice when I need to use the car. So I just had to drop him first because I wanted to meet my kawan for breakfast, at 7.30 a.m.

And I think you should try driving in the morning slowly. Wind the windows down, and on your playlist at a satisfactory volume. In this case, Band of Horses.

My kawan and I hardly meet up due to our respective packed schedules. You know, college workloads and shits. So the nature of the relationship is that mild adequate one. Besides, we see each other every single week day out of Sekolah Menengah lives. So you know, probably once every two weeks.

We hardly talk on the phone, or even SMS. Only on occasions. So I guess it's pretty much an independent nature. Nothing too clingy.

We talk of stuff that we reflect much throughout our daily lives. Talk of her aspect of perceptions, and mine. And somehow, in every intense conversations, Holocaust came into topic. Movies that are related to the Holocaust, books etc. (Bukan Valkyrie je okay)

And we talk of relationships, and commitments. Of how probably it might just be a 'conditioned' way of life. You know that 'conditioned' way to find happiness. Infant, child, teen, adult, marriage, kids etc.

Is that the only way to find happiness? Or, find your true self? Or, to fulfill the conditioned norm? Or, simply to reproduce to preserve the traits? Or maybe you're just selfish? Entah.

And how we need to see the world, see other cultures. But then reason out that probably if you stay long in one culture, you assimilate to it.

And wonder maybe that is why there are people who move from one place to another. To not assimilate to one. To not be too comfortable. Pick up bits and pieces of life from here and there. You know?

And the dreams that we attached at the back of our minds, and how we're working towards them.

How one medium can be seen in different perceptions. From her eyes, and from mine. How the movie revolved from Iran, to Germany etc. How the timeline influenced how we dress, we think, we perceive.

And it's not the kind where you dictate the person's perception, trying to change the way he/she thinks. No, nothing like that at all. It's the neutral nature where you listen, you speak, and you reflect back. It's nothing too emotionally intense. Just that mild adequate nature.

Then it occur to me; the answer is Complementary.

Someone who speak of similar grounds, but complements through the different perceptions.One who gets me inspired, because I am easily inspired. I am dreamy, eh salah, I am a fucking dreamer.

"Someone like you, and all you know, and how you speak.  I hope, it's gonna make you notice, someone like me" Use Somebody, KoL.

Didn't I try to tell you that you're somewhat like that intrinsic motive? Because I'm half as brilliant as you are.

3-4 tahun yang lampau,

Dengan semangat nak menunjuk kepada adik prestasi di sekolah aku back when I was his age (14), aku cari balik kad laporan di rak-rak buku.

Aku belek-belek mukasurat, mencari Tingkatan 2A. Saja nak menunjuk kat dia, matematik aku terer dulu. Tapi Agama, Geografi dan Bahasa Malaysia - dia menang ah.

Lepas moment kebangaan aku, aku dah malas. Kembali ke gua menelaah. Tetapi, dia muncul kembali dengan Buku Laporan berwarna biru di tangannya.

Dia telah advance ke 2005. I'm dead.

"Ujian Bulanan Ogos 2005" (Tingkatan 4B)

BM 8E, BI 3B, Pendidikan Islam 9G, Sejarah 4B, Matematik 3B, Matematik Tambahan 9G, Fizik 9G, Kimia 9G, Biologi 9G.

Wtf, trust me, I have never gotten so many Fails (and red pen) in my life. SPM okay je. Tapi I am not your 12 A1s' girl lah. 

RINDU SEKOLAH. I'm in my third year degree life, I still feel like a kid.

1995.

Orang selalu minta dipanjangkan umur. Tapi, kalau umur sudah dilanjutkan, the life within isn't all that bright, macam mana?

It has been 14 years. And at times like these, I'm not a soldier.

Matters that are on hold.

You know what I envy about others? Is that they are so fucking sure of what they want. They are not indecisive like I am. They are sure of what they want. Or so they seem to appear.

You know, answering questions objectively. Like me, I'd always answer, "depends on what aspect you're looking for" or, "depends" or, "see lah".

So yes, I am fucking envious of people who can make their decisions objectively. You know, the direct, "Yes" or "No".

But with me, it's a totally different story. And so, I put things on hold. After all, it's bliss - all these silence. 

Destinasiku.

Emotionally involved.

You asked me, what about it. You know, things just don't happen for several reasons and you just let the reasons reason you out. No, not really.

Communication, has its flaws. Words are just words. So we reassure ourselves. Have a little faith, built into something that can't really be proven due its abstract entity.

And so we live. Probably living the superficial even. We reassure ourselves again. But this is it. We live. Live in align with the time for once. Not a little too fast than the second - plotting the future. Not a little too slow - dwelling in ancient history. This is it. We are at the same speed with time.

But the flaws catch up just in time. Words, are ambiguous. The last perceptions and interpretations, are based on the receivers.

I'm just not much of a big fan for it now. Destinasiku, so its mine. Solely.

Safe trip home.

Ramai orang bercinta di keliling aku sebenarnya.  

I look at a young girl with the father,  I look at a woman on the phone, I look at couples walking, I look at older men talking intimately to younger ladies, younger generations casually with their public display of affections.

I don't think I can do any of these. I just think it is for stronger people. Whatever it may be, infatuation, fatuos, romance, affections, passion, love. All for stronger people.

Milk.

Bangun pagi, I'd always make my way downstairs first, to make coffee. Then I'd continue with work. So I did.

Mix, mix. Stir. First sip. Wanted to puke, stale milk.

"Maa, susu basi dah lah"

"TAK lah, Mama baru minum . . . (nag nag)"

"Basi, seriously, try minum"

""TAK lah, kan Mama dah kata jangan nak beli susu ni, susu ni tak sedap. Beli Magnolia,"

"Basi lah Ma, seriously," So I took a new glass, and pour the stale milk. Took the first sip, my system rejected it. And Mama drank it.

"TAK lah. Next time beli je Magnolia, kan Mama dah cakap, (continues nagging)"

The mug was put aside, I don't really care about the coffee anymore. Except maybe I kinda need coffee right now, But that's beside the point. I went back to my room, I smirked.

So, you got to understand why I, Siti Nadrah binti Mustafa, am one hell of a stubborn girl. Blame the traits. And the milk is stale, to me at least. Believing is seeing, or seeing is believing?

Weekly random

"Nadrah, what kind of guy would you date? Someone who is the same as you?"

"Hmmm, depends on what aspect when you mean similar"

"In general,"

(long pause. I hate generals. Can be from ANY aspects, like philosophy, interests, intellects, books, food, music, etc etc etc etc etc)

"Someone who is similar and also complementary"

Every week, pasti ada soalan random tentang relationships dari collegemate aku. Boleh mati nak jawab. 

Mother instinct.

I'd like to have decent conversations now and then. Keeps me going.

So I hung out with 2 wonderful women this heaty noon. They talked of the economy and politics, which I just listened. 

They talked of financial standings - both their own companies and their personal accounts. They talked of investments, insurances, and how to lessen tax. Made me wondered. Then I thought of how you'd make a great Accountant, and how you'd still remain as a What If.

Then they talked of multitasking, and men - their husbands. I laughed, its a result of feminism really. Thank Wolstoncraft and all.

Maybe I should hire Mama as my PA to manage my finance when I'm older. I tell you, gila siot this woman, its from A to Z, maybe even micro Zs. 

Call me once I'm a woman myself. 

Now, can I have my deeper conversations? 

Its raining, suckers.

What happens if a person clouds your day? 

The rain pours, and our days are not as hot.

Impulsive gravity and the language of life.

Wisdom comes along with age, so they say.

Apparently, age is measured accordingly to tell whether you are experienced enough. It doesn't matter whether you're Jamal from Slumdog Millionaire, who had lost his mother due to religions differences when he was probably 4-5. Was apart of a syndicate where kids were made to beg along the streets, cheated to live in the streets of India. But when he was probably around 18-20, and he entered Who Wants to Be A Millionaire, and was just a question away from being a Millionaire, people could not believe it.

He was a cheat, they assumed. He's too young to be too knowledgeable. He's too young to know life, to taste life or even to talk of life. In fact, he can be said ridiculous to be apart of the show because he believed the love of his life would be watching. No, wise men said, only fools rush in. And Jamal here my friend, is a fool for believing in his own belief on the love of his life.

It is funny really, it became a cliche sentence when I said "I just want to gain experience," when I started filling my school holidays with part-time jobs since I was 16 (sans the extra cash). I didn't really know what it meant. I just say it for the sake of saying it, because it is cliched.

But then I realized. Experience is the anecdote in life, true that. But it does not necessarily come along with the years you have lived the earth. Experiences are not measured by your teenage years, your twenties, your thirties, your fourties, your fifties, your sixties. 

Life events occur every now and then. How significant your life events are, are depending on you. It does not mean that you have lived up almost to your thirties, you have seen more than what I have seen. And does not mean just because you are much older than some of us, you have the better rights to talk of life in general.

It is just not the matter of how numerical your experiences are. It is how impulsive your life experiences are, at any age at all.

People, grow into adults and mature along with age - to the unfortunates however, they just remain immature. Along maturity, comes the sense of respecting people even if they are inferior to you in figures. Maturity comes when you listen or read of people's perceptions and not blindy say that you are simply not riped enough to talk of life. Because really, we all go through similar phases with different consequences of life events. Resulting of different perceptions of the world, of other individuals, the society - in other words, life in general.

Its the same as a young superior collegue at your workplace. You just don't feel right working under a younger person. You feel your superior is not riped enough, haven't seen how things are really done in the business. 

I don't know, if you ask me, everybody can talk of life and their personal perceptions of life. I mean, it is subjective. It is just that the level of how we perceive the two big Ls (love and life) are different.

And when you read, you got to understand that there are differences in our perceptions' levels - because really, everybody just do not have the same perception as you do.

"You hold my hand, but do you really need me?"

Do you know why I think Love is overrated? Because it fucking is.

They go all over and meet people, stumble, fall hard. Fall out, fall deeply again. Then fall out again. The significant value of the "big-L" just deteriorate every single second.

Then comes the nourishing, the tender and dear, soft skin-to-skin contact. The kind whispers and gestures. The kiddy giggles, the eye contacts. The deep conversations, the exchange of life stories.

The rowdy arguments, the hatred gestures. The non-verbal ques that are so reluctant. The muffled anger, the subtle envy. The contradicting thoughts, beliefs, principles, goals, grounds etc.

Go and watch Benjamin Button, tell me, would you care and love that one person in whatever condition they are in?

Because you never know what life has in store for us. They could turn blind when they reach 37, they could meet a tragic accident that will leave them a permanent brain damage, they could carry a deadly disease at 45.

And we both know the wedding vows you made will mean the whole world on your wedding day. But as time passes, sickness become an irritation, their flairs are their very flaws.

Mid-life crisis here and there, marriages lack in intercourses, spouses "exploring" the boundaries.

And do you know why Emotional-Impulsive acts do not complement your ego? Because we start to love and care. Because then, we tend to self-sympathize ourselves when things fall out of place. Self-pity by the way, is just not awesome.

Maybe you can get Love anywhere, even 'True' ones. But Unconditional Love, bless us souls.

I want to watch Benjamin Button again.

Hot Floss,

"It's not me, it's you"

"Serial Killer Lover"

"Part time lover"

At times, I want to be much of an Emotional-Impulse kind of a person. You know, burst into words when events occur. Although most of time it is irrational.

But, sometimes  I just want to, you know? I'm too egoistic at times.

Quoted phrases from above are just some printed tees my friends and I came across over window-shopping. Seriously, even the printed tees were celebrating the hype. Dude.

Why can't my browser load facebook? ~!@#$%^&*  "Could not locate remote server, wtf"

1:12,

You know how much of a planner/schemer am I?

I have the exact phrase I want to post come Saturday. Jeng jeng jeng.

Take 5

I hate it when somebody tells me to "Chill," repeatedly. 

I like it when textbooks are my buddies accompanied with good music and trusty stationaries. I adore my love/hate relationship with 'em academic stuff.

I like your random notes, buat lagi lah.

I need another ringgit to buy myself that one of those cute heart cookies on a stick being sold at college, just for the sake of the hype.

Days passed by, and people from the past are passing invitations. I am content to bridge the gap in between.

Mama and adik are awesome, only when they are disturbing the process of absorbing knowledge.

I think that "Random" tags on facebook are making me writing these "random" things, without making me realize until now. Babi, we are all too dependent on facebook - or is it just me?

Klutz, Jane.

While eating durian on one hand, and watching the telly at the wet kitchen, where Mama was cooking lunch. I thought to myself,

"WTH, corny gila. Just cause the guy put a plaster on her little cut on the finger. She got all 'swept away', and she'd probably fall for him and shit,"

Corny, entah apa-apa. Secretly, I was mocking and criticizing like hell already lah kan. I mean, say if the guy was just being nice, and everytime he stumbled upon the next hundred girls who had minor cuts on her finger, and he just had to put the plaster on the finger for her. And they would all fall for him jugak ke?

I guess, what goes around, comes around. Because of my klutz trait, I broke one of Mama's Correl's bowl, and have minor cuts on my hand - right after the corny scene on telly.

Babi. But too bad, I'm still awesome, because I don't need plasters. Or, a guy to put plasters on my hand for me. Sebab aku tak corny.

Karma's a bitch.

Fridays are my Saturdays.

Hujung minggu aku selalu bermula pada hari Jumaat. Kiranya, jika hari Isnin cuti, memang panjang melampau lah hujung minggu aku.

Sudah 5 hujung minggu, harapan aku hendak menelaah macam orang tak ingat dunia. Pokoknya, aku kena keep up the par. I have dreams to chase.

Masalahnya, minda aku berterabur. Suka melayang-layang. Belajar pun tak masuk otak. Main laptop, nak main game, MSN dan sewaktu dengannya akan membuatkan aku rasa guilty. Sebab aku sepatutnya belajar, bukan main.

Dan aku update blog ni pun, sebab aku susah nak fokus. Online pun nak buat apa je, bosan betul rutin harian.

Maybe I should call you up and complain, whine and fall. Then you can sense and complain that I'm just paranoid. Maybe you can be my shrink, baby.

Wasting time, Jack Johnson.

"And I'm just a waste of her, energy.
She's just wasting my time, Mm hm
So why don't we get together
And we could waste, everything, tonight
And we could waste, we could waste it all, tonight

Yeah, we could waste it, we could waste, we could waste it all.

And I don't pretend to know what you know, No no
Now please don't pretend to know what's on my mind
But if we already knew everything that everybody knows
We would have, nothing to learn, tonight
And we would have, nothing to show, tonight
Oh

But everybody thinks that everybody knows
About everybody else, nobody knows
Anything, about themselves
Because they're all worried about everybody else
Yeah yeah mmm hmmm ahh


This love's just a waste of our, energy,
and this life's just a waste of our time,
So why don't we get together
And we could waste, everything, tonight
And we could waste
We could waste it all...
Yeah

But everybody thinks that
Everybody knows about
Everybody else
But no no nobody knows, anything, about themselves
Because they're all worried about everybody else yeah
you should know by now"

Definitely, maybe.

Definitely someone like you.

Just give it time.