Monday, July 28, 2008

Endlessly,

You tell me how did your life start?

Yes, maybe from that moment you came out of that little womb. Throughout your kindergarten, primary and then secondary years. Then comes Diploma, Degree, Masters or maybe PhD. The work, marriage which comes in between your tertiary studies. Have you ever felt that you're always chasing something in life, when really, you know that's that.

You see, in my mind it works this way; kindergarten yes, you pass it to get into primary, and you pass primary to get to secondary and then secondary to tertiary. Tertiary for a secured job and payroll and love which comes in between to fulfill your whole lust, emotional support; basically your entire system. Once married, what's next? Kids. Okay when you've kids, what's next? Religious goals? Toil towards the main purpose in life, to get into Heaven, and if it's possible, make it the seventh level please.

But really, put religion aside. What really is your point in life? To get rich and build this huge house of your own, and have a happy family. Right, let me tell you, adults just have this constant sexual lust when they are married. I know not all, but they just have to have other sexual partners. Quickie at the pantry with the secretary? Or just mere flings.

You'd say nobody's perfect yes, and in fact, when you see a wholly perfect, flawless family you'd just say its fake. Straight out from a bloody detergent commercial. But when you see a broken home, really, you'd just say that's life and start blaming the parents for their miserable kids.

So much for a happy family then.

You just keep moving forward to achieve that long term goals and then what's next? You just keep bloody running and chasing for the future and run and run and run and run.. it never stops.

Yes you do go phases in life and you grow from it. Divide your life into portions where significant events happen that have strong impacts in your life. Mine was at the age of 6, 10, 15, and it grows from there. Well I think I grow throughout then. But really, it's so fucking tiring that I feel I'm always chasing something that is never ending.

Hence, I'm running in the race. What race? Mana ah aku tau.

***

People come and go as they say. You try to make amends, meet up for a little chat with a cup of coffee or what not. But like I said and predicted and figured, it would never be the same. Maybe it's the forces of nature, the gravity and the order of things. And God, you need to help me.

Changes change people, change the order of life, change the mind.. and the list goes on. Basically, you're a different person. Even it means it has only been a year.

I met an old friend today after a year of distance and failed attempts of meeting up. Thats because I kept bailing out because I know it would just make me feel miserable and, MY GOD HELL YES I WAS. But you know, you swallow. Well, so I did, I swallowed.

As much as I tried to swallow, but you know, you can't just swallow up that much. It eats myself up. No worse, it eats my fucking self-concept and my fucking social identity up. I wake up every morning wishing I would never have to end up with this little world of theirs and hating myself for I have ate my self.

You see, I'm not whining because of how and who they are. I couldn't care less for all I care because its just how the world works, there are cliques. Its what they're doing to my Self. I'm sorry but I put great importance on the Self. Its fucking sacred. Fuck yes. And my god I'm cursing.

I'm miserable.

You can have your short term goals like graduating your tertiary studies and your long term goals like getting married at some fancy hotel. But your life goal? No its much more than your short and long term goals. It's to Complete your Self like that missing piece of your life puzzle and mind you, it's not your average "You complete me" towards your partner kinda thing.

So hooray, Jane ate herself up on the inside with the presence of these certain persons. Really amazing that you have developed your Self and Identity to the point where those people you just stumbled upon years back are the very people you want to avoid for they have found their selves which clearly contradict to your Self. So run along. I may sound selfish, but hey, you made me eat myself up from the inside.

Time alone, all I need is time alone for obvious reasons.

2 comments:

hati batu said...

My thoughts exactly. It's like running to an endless end. I'm just so scared of what's coming next. I know what they are but I'm just not ready to face them.

And yes the thought of it eats me from inside too.

Anonymous said...

my life started when i came to the thought that made me realize what matters the most..my family..