That little girl inside,

I was looking for that thing in life that people depend on.

And I guess I realized that it was such a routine when the weekends come, people feast - with their dependable objects. And it was a Saturday, and my dependable object is gone. No no, don't think that is sappy and sad that my dependable object is gone, I'm fine with it really, its just that routine and my weekends aren't predictable anymore. Just that really.

I intended on spending my weekends on my workload and family anyway, since these are the paths that I should be focusing on.

I must say, I was lost. I need to find that certain something that people want in life. Or that certain something that people depend on and make life, well alive!

Then I decided I couldn't find it if I'm locked away in my sleeping chamber, I might as well go and get porridge.

So I thought this is it. I sit, feast with my porridge, read a book, listen to my songs, and look at the people around me. Wonder what on earth are their goals in life, and what are their dependable objects.

This family came along. With a girl toddler or maybe a boy? It reminded me of Bowlby right that instant. Why? Because of the insecure-ambivalent child who was crying on the father's torso. And the father, with a rather reluctant look almost like his child. Almost like saying, "why are you crying again, I don't understand lah, can't you be quiet?". The almost giving up look, but yet, does it for the love towards the child.

Dear father,
mengikut kata Bowlby, dan saya hanyalah mengaplikasikan apa yang telah saya belajar: anak encik, ialah seorang yang mempunyai attachment style, "Insecure-ambivalent" di mana ketika menangis, akan terus menangis walaupun objek kasihnya (ibu atau bapa) berada di sampingnya untuk memujuk si bayi.

And when they have reached puberty or rather the steps to adulthood, they would continue to be dependent. These all are due to the early relationships formed between the parent and the baby, from the way the mother holds the child to how the mother talks to the baby, even when they don't understand.

The wife took the child, and the husband had to go and order food, again, with his reluctant almost like a child facial gesture.

I laughed.

The thing is about being a child, and be dependent to your parent is that it secures you. Even when you're an insecure-ambivalent child. You just cry, because maybe you know by crying, that would make them give you what you want. Or, by crying, you know you get the attention. And, my god, you know sure as hell it annoys your parent.

From child, you were brought forward to the world with those things that were taught to you by your parents. It helps you to build your self-concept, social-identity, goals and such. Hence, that is where you stand today.

I do not know how my parents fed me with all these "self" knowledge that I've picked up from them. But it sure as hell is depressing, because I want to be certain of that something that I want in life, and the search, ya Allah, susahnya. Nonetheless, I'm thankful, that's for sure.

At the end of the day, I guess it all goes down to how you perceive yourself and how you were brought up to think about yourself. I mean, they are like the starter kit in life, no one ever came out from the womb and say, "Hey, I'm alive, and I think the world is such a cruel place to live in but people has to make it through and suck it up anyway. Get real!". Right?

And about being dependent, well I came to know that why be dependent when you can just explore the world and be independent for the time being? I guess at some point, I didn't know that it is okay for me to just go drive somewhere alone and see what the world has to offer. I certainly am not the person who needs to have a companion just to get porridge, so why not?

Maybe it was just that I didn't know that it was okay for me to borrow Mama's car, and drive somewhere random. Or maybe go out of Subang alone, just to see some art exhibition or something. I guess after all, I am not so of an independent child, but that little girl in me is still dependent.

Ironically, there are things in life I want to chase and I'm so determine I should have them. But at the same time, all these little things in life, like feasting during the weekends, I still need to have my dependable object you know?

I guess I can't be absolutely independent. I'm allowed to want the normal things in life too don't I?


P/S: Here's to Bebe, who thinks I don't write deep stuffs anymore. Hope this is deep enough.