All these things I've done.

It might have been the same for the past 19 years of my life. Like any other minutes, hours and days. Years come and go. From the last year of the 80s, right throughout the 90s until to almost a decade of the 00s.

I never understood why people make such a big hype over the New Year's celebration. What's the fuss? They are a bunch of many other people shrieking over colorful explosions in the sky. They do that every year, what more to say we are a country of festivities. Merdeka, Raya Cina, Deepavali, Raya Puasa - semua pun ada fireworks.

So what's the fuss? It's not like all of them really reflect upon what they have done, and what they are going to do. You know, the whole embrace life at its best, at the moment kind of shit. Maybe there are, but that might probably involve substance abuse.

But really, where do they get all the drive and mood to party hard? I mean, just because its New Year. Last August, they were probably partying their asses off, but they are not half as patriotic as most foreigners that crowd the morning parade. Where's the significant in there?

Take a deep breath. New year is not all about how you had party hard, or how you make a mess out of the person next to you with a can of spray. Or how you finally get that New Year's kiss, despite whether its passionate or not, just because it's New Year. Or which girl you brought home just to clear the pipe. Or where did you go, or which crowd made the most noise and shit.

Heck, I don't even know what the New Year is about.

Like any other years, life has been the same. Like those fine graphs you had to draw for Additional Mathematics, Physics, or Economics. They fluctuate because of many other several outputs. Nothing new, they just gradually increase or decrease unless you have go through one hell of a deficit such like the Great Depression.

People come and go. Several years back, when you were too busy justifying the cool and the lame, you meet people that are much similar to you. Hours passed as days do, down the road, they are people who have seen bits and pieces of the world, and what the glorious world has to offer them. The same familiar faces that had collectively altered their principles, beliefs and views. The same familiar faces, and that tiny familiar feeling.

But that is not enough. People come and go as do affections. The world is such a beautiful place that people have to venture out and explore them much like Columbus. And as you are out there venturing, there are more people you meet. Life is so varied that at times you would have to make spaces for new details.

As you venture the world and its possibilities and wonders, you can either be too caught up living in the fast lane, you forget to take a hard stare at yourself. You lose yourself, like you would lose many other things and people in life. But never mind losing things, or people because you know somehow you would find it hidden somewhere in your memory or that dusty corner of your heart.

Like that old flame of yours.

You see, as days pass and years come and go, people just keep coming and they keep going. They are almost inconsistent. They come and go at the most unexpected time. Then you'd find new distractions, new things that would keep you company as time pass. The cycle never ends. Inconsistency and uncertainty. Change, change and change.

Could be that little habit of you buying Skittles but several weeks later, or days even, they are just like any other candies. You know, that sudden craze. But of course, there are that consistent desires or affections. Probably unrequited even. Like family, or your deepest passion.

I guess it is just amazing how days passed and years come.

People come and go. We get to know them, be amazed, amused, or even judgmental. Trends keep refreshing from the afro hair-do, to that tight bell-bottoms, to skinny jeans and ties, to ridiculous craze over a pair of Tigers (and comparing whose is nicer, or more unique) to hip-hop craze, to the indie hype. From the whole bohsia hype, to punk and skinheads, to sk8er bois to br3akers, to 'I-have-a-band', to shuffling. What's next? I am a fucking anorexic and I bought a fucking pair of awesome shoes and jeans from that high street store? Or I am fucking in love with the whole new concept of Chic-Lit with a vampire in it?

No, not saying its wrong. Just saying how amazing things change. We grow gradually and we don't even notice it. We are too busy living that sometimes we forget to relate ourselves. We are too busy venturing and exploring the boundaries that we get caught up.

We, need to keep doing that, but with our inner selves in tact, so we would not lose each other along the way.

Happy New Year my dear friends.

Scream, shout, tahun baru!

It's the new year, well Islamic one.

And 2 more days to the new year as well.

Til then loves.

Hero ke Zero?

You are my hero.

No actually you are not. Because you know why? I have never really understand the whole concept of having a hero. To me, it is just like looking up to somebody. Like idolize them or some sort.

I don't live in a movie where Spiderman, Superman, or Justice League exist. I don't have a doraemon to argue with. But I would probably end up at the back alley all alone walking back to the big ass car, with my little sling bag - tailing my steps.

I would also probably end up with a group of stupid, lifeless men who happened to like to tease little girls like me. I would probably end up being a victim of a snatch theft. InysaAllah, I'd be safe though.

I could be just another victim of an unfortunate mundane life event. But I do not have a hero that would fly me away upon miliseconds before such event occur. I do not have a man who has superpowers to physically abuse the villain. I live in Subang Jaya, not Gotham City. The only dark knight here is probably the mamak who feed citizens with oily roti canais. A savior of our hungers. (Siot, aku tak racist okay)

No one to save me.

No, I was wrong. I could probably end up as a victim of life's unfortunate events yes. But after going through these events, I am still saved. I could climb the highest social ladder, meet some folks who diverted from the ideal path - I could still be saved.

Because a hero must not necessarily be a person who provides you safety from the villains who would jeopardize your life instantly like from a snatch theft. A hero provides you a vast amount of security from different aspects.

A hero could provide you a secured shelter, stable economy. What's more important, a hero would always try to save you from yourself. You know, the possible demons in you. A hero hence, would always remind you to stick to your grounds, principles and philosophy.

All these over Wonderwall. The Gallagher brothers make me feel in love, and made me put it on repeat.

Maybe, you're gonna be the one who saves me. :)

'Are we humans, or are we dancers?'

You know, this subject has been bugging me since a couple of months ago. When I realized about how the social circle functions.

Okay you see, what makes us become closed to a person? Namely your closed friends.

This isn't a romantic or an intimate puzzle whereby physical attraction comes in first before you pursue the other party. In a friendship, well, what could have been the starter?

You might probably start from decent small talks about how your courses are a match on your first day in college. Then just because you don't have any friends around, you guys share a sub over lunch. And so it has been that for the past couple of years.

You might have been the best of friends, oops I believe the term is BFF for now. Anyway, you might have been BFFs since play school. You chase each other down the street from the moment you knew a ball could bounce to the point where you two would sneak out of the house late night, chasing girls and boys.

But really, what was the one thing that make you grow much more closer? Your similar interests, and compatible traits. Could have been anything in the world right, what are the odds anyway?

Could have been the loud-banging music, or that jazzy tunes. Could have been the same flavored ice-cream to the same taste of fashion.

Then again, if you are a template of the other party, you'd be accused of a 'Wannabe' of the 'Queen Bee'. You'd end up like Marty and his new found home in Africa, the same. You'd be amongst the sheep, er I mean, Zebras.

After first couple of contacts, that relationship just grow like any other. But as your life matures day by day, that strong bond is in tact regardless of the distance and the short period of time spent together.

Then you venture out of your safety zone, out of your inner circle. Meet new people, and socialize. This is the time where you would truly know how strong are you towards your personal principles.

The beauty that lies within is that how the closed and loved ones are always there, despite the rough patches, the absence and the silence.

See how wonderful people function?

Hopes and life.

Bukan ketandusan idea, tetapi kemalasan melanda. Rindu tak?

We all have plans for the future, be it in the near future or in the long-term. We always plot for the upcoming episodes. Say, next Wednesday we'll go and buy jeans, Xmas' gifts, new tops, new furniture. And when Wednesday comes, Friday we should go to the beauty parlor to get out hair and nails done. Come Friday, Sunday we should visit the folks at home and bring them the cookies and cupcakes we're gonna get on Friday.

Yeah, we all plan our futures I believe, near or far. Our hopes for tomorrow.

But really, when Wednesday comes, it's just that. You'd just look forward for Friday's outing. And when Friday comes, you'd look forward for Sunday.

Likewise, at 19 during exam week - in fact for the last past examinations for several years - I've always plan ahead. Oh, we should do this and that after exams, and the list goes on and on and on. I have and still am looking forward until the very last semester, and my convocation. Three more Finals and I'm off. You know, graduate, post-graduate studies and shit. Get out of this old place, and finally live.

Ah, but there's where I'm wrong. I've always thought I would live then (during my post-graduate studies) just like I have always thought 5 years ago, I'd be living during my undergraduate studies. You catch my drift? Soon, I'd think my life would only start when I have found the one.

No, no. Salah Jane, salah.

In fact, I think most of us that plan ahead think our lives start then. When you finally get that job you've wanted, or when you finally earn a wealthy living, or when you are hitched to the love or your life, or when you are out of your debts or when you have kids or . . . . .

No. Wrong, you are living. This is it, this is life. This is it.

Whatever rut you are in, whatever lifestyle you are having, that's you, that's life. Even if you are in a rut, this is life. Life does not come when you finally free yourself from the deep shit you are in only because it would be better. But thing is, when you have reach the better, it is not enough because humans' needs are never adequate. We are always wanting more. Hence, we look forward all the time for something more until we forget to see what's in front of us and we forgot to inhale deeply and live.

We're too busy looking ahead and catching something that's uncertain. It's not wrong to dream and plan, but just don't forget that this is life. It is not the future or all your fancy hopes and dreams. They are just mere plans, just like how you plan what to eat for dinner. They change in the course of time.

Just don't put your life in the hands of your hopes and future too much. Your life does not start then, your life is now. It has already started a long time ago.

P/S: ZJ, your tag I buat later, tengah malas. Sorry!

Berpuisi aku malam ini.

Astronaut.

I measure the earth,
with my inadequate ruler.
I measure the grounds I stand on,
no, these are never enough.

The radiant moon smiles
and share her broken joyful tales.
I silently comfort her with
my subtle response,
with my notorious ego and
my suppressed pity.

I measure the skies,
with my short stubbed fingers.
They are too far away,
the star-crossed.

The strong rays of the sun,
at times they are too violent.
However way,
these roads need to be enlightened.

And so I re-measure the skies,
even if these fingers can't reach
as I need to call upon the sun.

The planets may bend in between,
aiding me to the rescue of the
sorrow moon, and her plastered smile.

No matter how hard I tried,
the sun is a gazillion miles away.
I can't reach them with my fingers,
and I'm still on these inadequate grounds.

And so, I could only send the moon's heart
to the sun from afar, in the earth's darkness.

The light.

Always have been trying to see the theme and coherence of my blog, and then I realized, with all the themes and similar topics I have been writing; I realized, its a continuation, a series, a collection.

You know, a series of my everyday life and how I have perceived the events from time to time, day to day.

A year ago it was that, and a year later, it is this. How wonderful life can be eh? We learn and grow, even unexpectedly.

Much love people, finals. Soon, soon!

Top of the Pop

Tentang Kita, C.

Di mana kaca yang bersepihan?
Biar aku, pijakkan.
Di mana taufan yang bertiupan?
Biar aku, tadahkan.
Kerna semua, sudah tiada ertinya,
tentang cinta, sudah tiada maknanya.
Tentang kita,
elok dilupakan semua.

Di mana laut yang bergelora?
Kan ku redah semua.
Di mana letaknya cinta kita?
Kan ku pijak semua.
Kerna semua, sudah tiada ertinya,
tentang cinta, sudah tiada maknanya.
Tentang kita,
elok dilupakan semua.

Thy beliefs.

Back when Laser Discs were part of the luxurious life, I had the opportunity to enjoy my Disney Princesses and Mary Poppins with them. Not forgetting Batman, Star Wars and Jurassic Park. My papa surely did provide them for me.

But there were certain LDs that were off boundaries namely Original Sin, where my fellow growing guy cousins were so hyped out about. They were growing teenagers, mind you. But there was this LDs that caught my eye. Simply because the box was so intense. Nah, nothing physically obscene as Original Sin though.

I do not know what's it called, but the illustration of the box was this beardy man, holding a cross up high to the sky. And the whole box was in red. I knew I had to watch this movie.

Being five, I wasn't allowed to. I asked why? The answer fall between the realms of Jesus, God, and not suitable for kids your age. Well, just yet. I guess they were afraid I would turn my baby faith towards God.

Last night on television, I came across this advertisment of an Indonesian sinetron. Mind you, it is not your average Bawang Merah, Bawang Putih sinetron. It is actually about questioning faith. Questioning, provoking, challenging your faith. Namely Islam.

I told Mama, they have such guts to make such sinetron! I think she took it wrongly and said, 'Indonesians kan?; Whatever that is supposed to mean. I meant, they were very brave. The ad showed excerpts of the drama, a man praying in a telekung at the woman's section. He got chased out of the masjid, and he had this heaty argument with the Pak Imam, pointing shouting at the sky. And I'm surprised it is not banned knowing our censorship board. Probably under, 'having the potential to menyesatkan fellow Muslims'?

Nah. I think it is good really. It helps them to think more. It helps us to realize about Mazhabs, and what are they really? Follow the norms that are preached or follow the sole teachings without any Mazhabs in tact?

I once asked my friend, 'what if at the end of the day, a man rises from the crowd and claims that he is the savior. He is the messiah. He is the messenger. He reasons out God, which ironically God can't be reasoned out.?' What would happen?

I don't know. You tell me. Did Papa make the right move to not let me watch that LD back when I was five? What if I had watched it, I'm sure I would enjoy it. Although I would be too young to understand deeply, but at least it would not leave me wondering 14 years down the road, 'how is that movie like, really?'.

It's funny isn't it? We're finding elements that would help us define our religious faith? It's not that I'm questioning my faith or anything, it's just that, you know, you would want to strengthen it, and wonder deeply. Why this, and not that? I want that bloody movie damnit.

Dear all,

Jane is so damn malas to write.
Harap maklum.

We'll meet each other soon, yeah?
Jangan lari.

The way you make me feel.

I love the way you read my mind and my theories altogether.
and when you speak, you utter words of perfect sense.
I love it when I get to read you inside and out,
and the more I read, the more I fall.
I love the way you strengthen me,
and how you reassure me with confidence.
I love it when I draw lines and circles on your smooth texture,
and how you allow me to explore the boundaries.
I love it when you're always patient with me,
when my divided attention is given to you,
and also when you always allow me to perceive you again.
I love you for the way you make me feel.

Oh, I love you, buku teks The Ethics of Professional Practice. (Richard D. Parsons).

Did I tell you I'm in love with psychology? :)

Reality, and its sliding floors?

(Copy, paste from FB note as usual)

"Reality however," Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, "has a sliding floor".

Indeed. Talk about how reality "is soo 2007". Of course, to be absolutely sure of what reality is, we could debate forever. But, I hold close to Berkeley.

However, its not really about that. Similar like drawing the lines between Love and Life, one should also draw the lines between the realms of the cyberworld, and the real world. From the social context.

The social realm has evolved from time to time. First it was drawings on the walls of a cave, the next thing you know, telegrams were awesome, telephones beat postcards, and now, Internet rises above all.

Of course, no doubt they are efficient, fast, everything at your fingertips. The words like Google, blog, FB are adapted to your daily vocabulary.

In the morning, you check your facebook account. Before you sleep, you check your facebook account. You update your status almost every time you have something to share with the world. Really, facebook is probably a tool that help you communicate with your pals even when you're away from them.

So, they are kinda there even if they are not there. And you don't really feel lonely.

I mean, even if you are talking to them on MSN or any other online IMs applications, you still tend to talk to them on facebook via replying comments, status updates and such. Kenapa?

Also, you know where you need to tell people something, and you don't really want to tell them directly, you tend to post those metaphors online - blogs, status updates etc. I mean, if I post a lyric of a song, siapa yang akan terasa/perasan after reading the lyrics right?

Why do it online, indirectly?

Like me, I could have a couple of hundred friends in my account, but really, how many of them are really my friends and not mere acquaintances? You know, the ones that you really laugh and cry with? The ones that you wonder deeply about life and shit. The ones that you'd really see during your graduation, your wedding, labor bla bla bla.

Because we all know the social world like the real world orbits around. Your hang out friends change like seasons do whilst your closed, loved friends are living their lives like yourself. Fine, then online social network should remain as just that. Not a tool where you put your life on. You might as well put your life on a rock and roll band.

Maybe facebook should distinct the friends list and the acquaintance list?

Oh well, tapi nak buat macam mana. I check my facebook account before I sleep, and when I wake up. And, the Internet is very useful anyways. So what the heck. As long as you perceive it to be, then you believe in it. Your call, really.

A hundred million suns.

All or nothing policy.

I guess at some point, we would have to accept that Love is indeed one of the foundations in life. You know, the one that would light your world like a hundred million suns. But that's just it, peers and friends kept telling me tales of their love lives. They are good and all, of course.

But sometimes you know, it's just different when you are the one listening to all the stories. You get the view from afar, you get to munch on your popcorn and enjoy the drama. Because you aren't exactly the actors on the stage.

When lovers leave, they somehow leave these little stains that even the strongest chemical like Mr. Muscle would not wipe them off. Even if they fade, there are that stubborn spots that are still there. But you know, you learn from there. Lovers, they teach you how to love.

The tendency of people to mix the pot between Love and Life, is very high. You know, the whole 'exclusive dating' and getting serious and shit. As far as I have heard, and learned perhaps, the definitions of 'exclusive dating' tend to be distorted along the way. Of course, if we put subjectivity in definitions differ. But generally, the definitions of 'exclusive dating' are pretty similar. For instance, a partner should not cheat. However, young lovers and maybe the aged lovers tend to distort the definitions of exclusivity.

Its bad enough when a lover lives his life for you and you live your own life.

I guess people seem to forget that lovers complement each other, they are that supplementary vitamins a person should consume and feed onto. Lovers by all means are not the one that you should be living for, but should be living with.

See how people tend to mix between living for and living with? People tend to combine 'teaching their lovers how to live right' and 'teaching their lovers how to live'. I mean, you can advice your lover, but definitely not dictate him/her. The choice is always his/hers. Unless if you're talking about a mutual thing that you share. His life is his, her life is hers.

And your life together, well that's just a mutual ground much like whatever properties/things you buy together, say if you file a divorce, they are not exactly 'our mutual grounds' anymore. Lovers fight against each other for the once upon time 'mutual grounds'. Trying to separate what are hers, and what are his. Now, put your own life to respective places.

When lovers leave, at the end of the day, you fight for your own life back. You struggle.

Peguambela? once wrote, "A guy should never make his girl to choose", and boy was he right. Well, that implies to a girl as well, a girl should never make her man choose.

I mean, its not like you people are married or anything right? Commitments are fine, but excessive commitments like having to choose between his future and you, well, let's just take a look again and make a wise decision okay?

So dear sayangs whoever that have spilled your hearts to me - you know who you people are, hang in there. Look, ponder and think okay? I'm no doctor love, but I hope this helps.

Rawak Melayu.

(Petikan dari Mukabuku Jane lagi- November 13, 8:48 p.m. )

1. Walaupun nama aku berpotensi untuk diberi nama timangan 'Nana' aku bersyukur nama timangan aku bukan 'Nana'. Bayangkan? Jikalau orang yang sedang naik berang dengan aku, diteriaknya; 'Nana!! Nana!!'. Wtf. Biar pun nama 'Siti' agak er, kampung namanya, tetapi ia lebih baik daripana 'Nana'. Entah, betul kan? Sukarang-kurangnya, jika seseorang itu marah dengan aku, kalau diteriaknya 'Siti', aku tau lah dia marah. Sebab nama timangan aku bukan 'Siti'. Kiranya 'Siti' tu dikira sebagai amaran dan tanda untuk aku melarikan diri.Sebab aku sendiri memanggil diri aku 'Siti' kalau aku tidak puas hati dengan diri sendiri. Tetapi, kalau 'Nana'? Wtf.

Tapi kalau hari-hari biasa, atau kau terserempak dengan aku, terutama sekali di tempat umum, tak payah ah nak jerit 'Siti', 'Nadrah' atau 'Nad' sudah memadai.

2. Malam-malam hujan lah aku banyak kerja kena e-melkan pada malam ini juga. Dah lah penat.

3. Aku tau kau dah bosan asyik-asyik baca nota-nota di mukabuku.

4. Pada hari hujan, para pemandu dinasihatkan untuk memandu secara berhati-hati. Maksud memandu berhati-hati itu adalah, tak payah nak perasan diri kau tu seorang pelumba haram ala Street Racer.

Kerana a) Subang banyak lampu isyarat trafik dan b) Kereta kau tak macam dalam game Need for Speed atau Midnight Racer c) Maghrib lah, bukan tengah malam.

Tapi aku tak, kalau hujan ke tak hujan, aku memang pandu kereta MPV macam Juno (cuma aku tak bunting, dan kereta MPV Juno lagi bigass) laju-laju, aku tidak sabar orangnya. Namun. memandangkan minda aku sedang berfungsi dalam 'Slowmode', maka dengan itu, aku memandu dengan perlahan. Kalau tidak, aku memang berangan aku Street Racer, tetapi dengan MPV lah, boleh?

Memandu pulang dari kampus dalam kelajuan 40 km/j hingga ke 60 km/j. Kalau boleh, aku mengharapkan perjalan pulang jauh lagi. Aku hendak layani Snow Patrol, dan Bloc Party dalam renyaian rahmat. Aku tidak mahu pulang, walaupun aku penat dan memerlukan katil yang menyeru kedatangan aku. Aku tidak endahkan barisan kereta yang lain di belakang ku. Hujan, lagu, tidur, sejuk.

5. Rujuk nombor 2. Tetapi aku masih di sini, menaip. Oh alangkah malasnya cik Siti.

* Jane dan N telah diasimilasikan menjadi suatu entiti yang mutual. 'Nana' pula, kemungkinan the alter ego of Jane? Tah lah.

Sambung-sambung lah kita semua.

(Taken from Jane's facebook Note: November 12, 2008)

The first memory I remember of the excitement over associations was when my primary school years. Mutual friends, our parents who are (were) friends. You knew each other all along, only then you were much much younger. And now, we're strangers in our own world. Friends who turn out to be relatives.

And then it grows along with us. The introduction of Friendster. Interlinks, a friend of a friend which eventually would lead to a mutual friend. 'What a small world', 'Lah kau kenal dia jugak ke?' etc. Day by day, these words dah basi.

Tell me something new.

That's just it. Association is probably one of Life's wonders. You see, a system works miraculously with the sum of its parts. Without its tiny particles, a system is nothing. A system malfunctions. Hence, things are made to associate one another. Complement, interlink, integrate, relationships, bridge dan sebagainya.

Take the human body for example, we have several systems that are associated to one another. We have the circulatory system that regulates the Oxygen, Carbon Dioxide, Hemoglobin throughout our body. The circulatory system is facilitated by our respiratory system, inhale the tiny particles and such. The interlinks continue on and on.

Semantic networks. One information exhibits another information. A priori is provoked whenever a related information is perceived. Like how numbers are basically the same, only that they are divided into detailed categories such as Calculus, Algebra yada yada yada. But when you try to find the starting point, well, you can't really find. But somehow, one way or the other they are related.

Or like how your frames of references are similar and related to your current phase of life.

Maybe today the song "Sidedish Friend" associate with your current state, but yesterday, "Bleeding Love" associate the most.

Funny. How people relate to each other but yet they classify themselves into categories. Racial discrimination, income discrimination, academic standings discrimination. Or social butterfly, losers, jocks, cheerleaders. Funny, how politicians associate themselves as 'Common People' but they still have their Elite group. The big, bald Ds.

Maybe this is what they meant by 'the Circle of Life'. A single continuation line. The starting point? Kau pusing-pusing pun tak dapat cari. Kan dah pening.

One odd end with energetic beats.

"You are the bluest light," Bloc Party

Aspiring rockstars and the light.

Catching up with the fast lane.

"I need your grace, to remind me, to find my own," SP.

A couple of days ago have been such joyful days. Yes, of course it is good. I'm in love with life. Life loves me, although subtly. But it does not matter, because I'm living life. Embracing life. Whatever that comes along the way, Alhamdulillah, I can still absorb and adapt to the subsequent events of life.

But that's just the problem.

I'm living a little too loud, leaving this poor conscience of mine tired. I'm catching up with the fast lane. It is not a bad thing or anything, but sometimes, when I heard the words that have been uttered out of my mouth, well, it caught me by surprise.

I am catching up with the f* fast lane.

It comes along with juicy gossips and all the bitching. Well, bitching sounds awfully harsh, it's not like I WANT to, but uh, I guess I got caught. Like, 'Oh look at her hair' or 'Omg what is she wearing?' or 'Omg I should dress up like a phony for halloween' and a couple more of 'OMG THIS' and 'OMG THAT'.

I remember when I was 16 I got really annoyed when a girl from my past bitch about people. I would always think that she thinks she's so perfect. You know, for her to comment such judgments towards the girls around her. I mean, yeah. Tengok diri sendiri dulu lah kan?

Just because the other party has a wardrobe malfunction (to your eyes, not hers and maybe not others), does not mean you're much more superior than the person. You see how subjectivity could do us harm?

I'm living too loud. I hate catching up with the fast lane a little too fast.

Fast paced daily routines tire me. You're at one place in the morning, and you're at a different place in the afternoon, and the next thing you know, you're out of your comfort zone. Driving along a stranger's street. These streets, they're not mine, they're yours.

I inhale deeply, sat and look around. We are all lucky. Think of the people who are not even capable to even set a foot on these grounds. Think of the people who can't even taste this delicious RM 1 vanilla ice-cream, or this RM4.90 Daim Cake, or even RM1.50 free flow soft drink.

We are lucky, to even drive all the way here just to take a stroll along these pseudo living rooms. Let your fingers slid different materials of cloth, pretty designs of all the little things. We are lucky.

But yet, here I am. Wishing to be wealthy one day, just so I can furnish my house the way I want it just to make it look classy, pretty and all that are similar. Here I am, trying to work my ass off so that I could own a nice modern home, a nice car, pretty expensive clothes. Here I am, knowing well that this is my passion but yet having that little innate urge to earn that luxurious living.

Here I am, trying to be thankful, wishing that I have a magic wand so that the world is brighter for the unfortunates. Although I know well that even if they appear unfortunate to us, but to the very least they are happy, content and thankful. And yet here I am, secretly still wanting all of the above.

So here we are.

When most are out there supporting Man United, Jane is:

Wondering and I must ask you, don't you get bored of reading blogs? Especially this particular one. I feel like I'm drying out. And the themes for every posts are similar.

But still, I love to write. So how?

The art of beauty.

The other lives of these teenage girls.

Fly my love, fly.

Jane dalam usaha mengkomersialkan blog.

Breaking the habit.

(Lama tak dengar Hujan).

You know, from the previous post below, I can't seem to really tell what's my bad habit. I mean, you think its your bad habit. But other might not thing that it is your habit. Esse est percipi.

I can't help but to think, about our habits.

As we know, time changes as season changes. Acquaintances, or 'friends' change from time to time. Flings, scandals and lovers, they come, they go. But your soul mate? Let's save it until you have really found yours.

You see, I have always been fascinated on how my daily routines changed from one week to another. I mean, yeah sure, the days in that week would be somewhat similar, but the following week, they are not exactly similar. They change.

A couple of months ago, I would go socialize with some acquaintances from college. Which by now, I have realized that I am not exactly that kind of a person who actually goes out with acquaintances and just hang out. No. I might as well do something more beneficial than wasting time, staring at each other, drinking teh-o-ais.

Today, well today, I wonder hard how 'hang out' buddies change, just like seasons do. But the closed ones remain.

How are social habits formed? From where I stand, well, I guess its pretty much influenced by the people around me. Or people that matter to me. You see, when you start to talk often to a person, you would spend more time with him/her. Like casual hang-outs, text-messages, calls etc.

I must say, it is funny how text-messaging is sooooo vital in the social context nowadays. You know like, when a guy wants to hit on a girl, he starts texting her and shit. Like 24/7. Or, how friends constantly talk to each other on text messaging. Zzz. Bad habit, bad habit. Bazir duit pun ada.

Don't get me wrong. New habits that adapt to your ever-changing lifestyle are pretty good, you see? You wouldn't want a mundane lifestyle throughout. So, habits break, forming new ones.

But what happens when a person has become your daily habit, and you don't really want it to change just yet?

Heh.

The name game.

It has been ages since I have (and want) to do this whole tag thing. But little miss Social Butterfly (Sasha Leong) had tagged me. So here goes nothing.

1. What’s your ambition?
Making the ideals of the world near possible.

2. Who is more important to you? Friends or boy/girlfriend?
Friends, well.. if I had a boyfriend, then ha ha it depends on circumstances and who needs the attention more.

3. How often do you think of committing suicide?
I'm not morbid.

4. Do you think you have enough confidence?
Er.. not really.

5. How many babies you want?
We're talking about babies already?? WOAH, slow down honey!

6. Favorite perfume/fragrance?
On me? Hah, Be Delicious. Yum.

7. What is your goal for this year?
Live life. You know, get my priorities right, maintain my grades. Learn more about life and wonder why? Change for the better.

8. Do you believe in eternity love?
Eternity love for that significant other? Bullshit. I'm sorry, but when you really think about it, technically, when you're dead, you don't even know who was(is) your significant other. And if you believe in past-life, and all that 'I think I knew you before' from your past life, ahhh I don't believe in that. Eternity love for God? Probably. Because when you die (again this is driven by my beliefs), you would be submitting yourself to God, for judgments and what not. But eternity love? Technically not possible. If you ask me true love? Maybe probably.

9. What's a perfect girlfriend/boyfriend like to u? (List 10)
Almost perfect. a) Intellectual b) Not so much of Dreamer c) Gorgeous d) Knows what he should do in life e) He loves me, duh! f) Funny g) Has a decent lifestyle h) Complements my life i) He understands and speaks my language j) He is being himself.

10.What feeling do you love most?
The feeling when I read excerpts of theories regarding my passion, and get excited over it and it reassures me that this is it. This is what I really want to do.

11. What is your bad habit?
Not knowing exactly what my bad habit is, because I think I have tons.

12. Is there anything you wanna tell the ppl who hates you?
Be merry!

13. Do you cherish every single friendship of yours?
Of course, they have socially mold me.

14. What does flying means to you?
Get cape. Wear cape. Fly

15. What do you crave for the most currently?
Soto ayam? With lots of bawang goreng, sambal kicap and begedil. Lapar doh.

16. Who do you think is hotter, Chace Crawford or Kevin Peaker?
Uh, none.

17. Describe the person who tagged you in 7 words.
Aunty, you like to dance don't you?

18.What have you done to yourself make yourself happy?
:)

19. What will u become in another 10 years to come?
29?

20. Do you reread text messages that woo-ed/affect you?
HAHA.

Instructions

Remove one question from above and add in your personal question.

Make a total of 20 questions and tag 8 people.
List them out at the end of the post.

Notify them in their cbox that they've been tagged. Whoever does the tag will have blessings from all.

TAGGING:

1. Moron 1
2. Pink Nerd
3. Potential Hipster
4. Candies and chocolate
5. Sarah M
6. Melody O
7. Hijau, jom!
8. Little miss Chan.

This year's love, (altered)

I love, Psychology.
I'm psyched out about Schema Theory, awesome stuff.

I love, SP.
"I will race you to the waterside, And from the edge of Ireland shout out loud. So they could hear it in America. It's all for you." The planets bend between us.

Tell me this is not infatuation. Tell me this is real. Tell me.

'Lifeboats'

Nothing beats good music, morning coffee and the urge to continue your work. And that warm fuzzy feeling inside.

It's weird that we try to define almost everything (maybe indeed everything) in life. In doing so, most of us ended up getting confused anyway.

Is it driven by our innate curiosity? Or is it because we just need to know the answers to everything?

You see, we were thought to define things first before we could proceed to next procedure. You know, the usual, define the problems. Then list all the effects and consequences, then from there, we work the solutions out.

Really, it has been that way.

But then you would have to define more abstract things such as Ethics, Justice, Love, Politics, Religion, God, and the list goes on. But the ultimate one would be Life itself.

Really, in defining these abstract entities, you could go on for your whole life, and never really find the universal, absolute answer. The usual, 'Esse Est Percipi'. Did I tell you George Berkeley is a genius? You should hold him close in your life. His principle at least.

They say Beauty Lies in the Eyes of the Beholder. And we should thank subjectivity for this. Say if 10,000 guys have the exact, absolute desires for this 1 particular girl - from the way she talks, to the way she thinks. And really, she is the only kind. Then what would happened to the rest? 10,000 to 1 for reproduction? I don't think so. So, we should really be thankful that each and every one of us are different to the eyes of the other. You may be the same like most, but that one special trait in you, make you different.

Religion? Ah, have you heard of the whole 'soon kids can choose their religion' issue? I don't know, if he/she is mature enough to tell the differences between the abstract and the physical, the reality and the ideals, or the definition of God, religion and even beliefs. Because really, what are beliefs, norms, folklore? They were inherited from the ancestors before us. And we all know along the way, these words tend to be distorted and edited.

The superior and the inferior? The 'hak ketuanan', it somehow shows that the Melayu take too much pride in their traits, in their customs. To preserve our culture, yes okay. But excessively? Soon, we'll just end up like the Germans who tried to preserve their 'Aryans' blood, just because they were one of the greatest ages ago (just like the Melayu royalties then) and who would stand up and be the Führer of Malaysia? Certainly not the defacto leader. Come on, it's 2008. Move on already.

You could read the Idiots Guide to Love or Dating. But we're talking about two different individuals perceiving one mutual abstract entity. If you act by the book, you'd be too rigid, if you feel too much, you could end up eating yourself alive. The 'rules' of love, a) How close can a guy friend be to your girlfriend? b) How do you when too much is too much? and the list goes on. How do you just know, it is what it is.

So, how do you know how to define the definitions of that particular subject? It's just weird and funny how we always tend to define things in life.

What am I talking about? There's always Pragmatic (functional) truth.

*Sometimes, words say too much.

Hulabaloo and whiny words

Sometimes, I just wish I'm half as carefree as most of the population in the entire world. Wanna know why? This is Jane, whining:

1. I know my due dates are around the corner. And yes, I'm trying to absorb a Research on Acquiring Intellectual Skills, and try to work an experiment from that. (Okay, tak complain pasal ni). BUT thing is, I am worried about the other workload and my finals, and how my grades would probably turn out not as great as the last term. And, how am I supposed to write a bloody good paper so it would blow the minds of my educators. And I'm tired of thinking on how the hell am I supposed to convince them that I, deserve a bloody A. And wonder whether my peers have the same thought on how to bridge their points and words properly and nicely just cause they could get an A, or are they just born naturally with the talent to get an A? And how the hell most of the top Dean's List students managed to get 4.0 EVERY SEMESTER? Ahhhhhh.

2. I want to print this bloody Research, but I want to save trees, I do not want to waste papers. I'd just have to read and highlight it on Microsoft Words - which really is not even half the same as reading it on a piece of paper - where I can just doodle at the blank edges.

3. Definitions are killing me.

4. I hate the fact when my mind is not exploring as deep as the friggin' ocean when the term, 'Cognitive Psychology' implies. You see? I want to be shallow and I want to be bloody hell intellectual at the same time? How is that even possible?

5. Adik was right, the human mind is a friggin' battlefield.


Believe me, I'm laughing out loud at my own whining words. Now, I shall focus on my research proposal.

And, no actually, I'm thankful with my workload, because its much lesser than my friends'. But, my mind is measuring every single details and it's killing me.

I must say, pelik aku orang tanya, 'Malam ni pergi mana?' - Just cause it's Halloween. Hello? Aku nak tido kot.

Indulge the beats, sistah!

Instant Text Messaging:
A: "Nad woot"
Jane: "Mari headbang mildly sambil type assignment"
A: "Aha marii."

Shut up. I'm seeking the meaning of life, minus psychology.

[Extensions] Instant Text Messaging 2:
A: Kau dengar lagu Am I Wry?
Jane: BEST GILA. Farrah, now that we're here, can you tell me? Exactly howww I should have done.
A: Hebat gla lagu dye doh. Wooh wooh. Xkan blue light x stuck lg? Kau kena tgk OC.
Jane: Oc Seth je!! Yer later aku lekat kan. Dan guitar lagu am I wry ENERGETIC. Menari jom.
A: Jom. eventho i dnt really knw hw to
Jane: Kau ingat aku tau ke

I told you, we're both bored. We're wasting our 1 cents on Text Messaging. We're both lonesome and we're both dating our own iPods.

Oh tell me something that is more to life.

Where my genes partially came from,

October 28, 1952.
Mustafa bin Abu Bakar,
HAPPY 56th BIRTHDAY.
I love you always Papa,
Sorry if I have not been the
best of a daughter.

I love you, always.


Ice-cream does make a good "pick-me-up".

Under one's skin.

Funny, really.

You see a nurse as a nurse. With her (his) white (sometimes pink) uniform. They attend to sick people. Hence, whoever that wears the same uniform, she (he) is a nurse. And they attend to sick people.

When you see the nurse outside her (his) job hours, in their own skin; probably in a punk outfit or in slutty outfit, would you see her (him) as a nurse?

Karl Jung promoted his Archetypes theory with elements of a persona blended with extroverts and introverts components. Archetypes dear readers, are the mental images you form towards a word in this case, a person.

It is funny how you say the word Mama, you visualize your mother. And hence, you perceive Mama for what, who she is to you. And not what she is to the other world, a mechanic maybe. Or (fine I'll give you a more exclusive job) a politician maybe?

But no, when one utters the word Mama to you, you would perceive her as Mama. The one that nourish you through your sick days. The one that nags at you when your eyes are locked on the monitor. Not 'Datuk Seri' or an 'MP'.

On the other hand, the persona your Mama carries to the external world is a politician. She's a mother at home. But outside, she's a mother of 4, but that's that. Everybody else is a mother. But not everyone is a Politician by profession.

Likewise, if you utter the word ' Budak Indie' to me, somehow it would gives me this image of a bunch of phonies dressing up as 'Indie' flock. Although I know better that not everyone who dresses up as one of the 'Indie' flock listens to 'Indie' music. I mean, if you ask me, one who does not portray his/her persona as 'budak indie', could know oceans of the 'Indie' scene. Be it music, movies and such.

My point here is, why when one utters a classification of a person you immediately visualize them? You create mental images of them although you know better that they are not exactly that.

Well, I guess it's because you have known and pre-judged them physically first. Like, 'Tag Heuer' watch, 'Banana republic' top, 'AX' bottom. Poof, he must be this fancy kid who hangs out with fancy people, and would not entertain normal, moderate people - because you are not significant enough.

When really, their philosophy of life contradicts totally, "Just because I dress up with fancy clothes, which by the way I bought with my parents' money, does not mean I act and I live by the stereotyped principles of the fancy people."

Think Serena and Dan from Gossip Girl (in Season 1).

I mean, as long as they are comfortable in their own skin, and just because they don't necessarily have that physical persona of their inner self, does not mean they are like the bunch of people they are classified in.

I mean, you can't exactly define a person by where he/she lives. Or whether or not her/his facial or hair products are the expensive ones. Or whether or not her/his flip flops are those expensive ones from the 'trendy' stores. Or whether his/her bedroom is as decorated as yours? What are all of these really?

Sometimes, your mental images of one's physical appearance would differ with your abstract images of that person inner self. Mismatched of the physical and abstract entity. Habis tu, nak buat macam mana?

When you want to get to know a person, yes I know physical attraction would be the first criteria. But, that should not remain as just that. You should see under one's skin.

Like I was telling Mak Cik 2 how my skin has not been behaving accordingly, damn these acne. She simply say, "Oh yeah, tak perasan". And I thought, this girl must have seen me more than the outside. She sees me as Nadrah, not Jane. Not the girl who drives her mother's super big ass car, or the girl who wears a certain hair-do. I must say Makcik 2, I was flattered.

I wonder when one utters the word Jane (Nadrah) to you, what comes to your mind first?

So, have you seen me for who I am within just yet?

* Just the other day I drove my brother to the shop, and I felt how this place is getting old and how my feelings are worn out towards this place. I just felt like running away, find something new. But I drove passed by there again today, and it feels just exactly like the first time I was driven down the streets more than a decade ago. When the streets were being developed. I felt that 'new', strange, wonderful feeling I felt back when I was 5/6. Maybe this is what it feels like when someone says that he/she feels brand new.

Better in time.

Phases of life are often hard to adapt to, I know most of my phases were pretty hard to adapt to. But gradually, you embrace them. Gradually, it gets better in time.

I met a boy 7 years ago, and we were closed friends. We'd go to watch movies together, and I would accompany him whenever he fled school. Budak baru masuk sekolah menengah, ponteng sekolah cool apa? But gradually, we grew apart. Naturally, like most friendships grew distant when the other has this little 'intimate relationship' going on, we grew apart.

I didn't get to hear stories of how he fell in love although 7 years ago, I knew he was kinda like my best buddy. I wasn't really there when he went through one of the darkest chapters in his life. I turned a deaf ear.

Today, after many distant, quiet gaps, I met him over coffee. And I saw a boy I once knew, growing into a guy I hardly even know. He's in love. Clearly, I have been missing for a long time. And because of what? Because of this little thing called, 'love'.

Like seasons, phases come and go. Sometimes the people you were with a couple years ago appear back after much silence. The beautiful part about this is how they are able to put the past behind, and accept you for who you are. Kawan, aku sayang kau weh.

When asked, "How would you know you're in love?"

He simply answered, "When you wanna be with a specific someone every single minute you can and nthg else matters."

I never thought he would be the person who would fall in love and stay in love for long. I must say, I am proud of you. I am sorry though that I did not get to be there from the start. But I am here you know, just like old times.

It is funny how love is always the primary essence in life - the one that would bring people together, and also the one that would make people grow apart. Gradually, it gets better in time. Because naturally, people grow from it.

But if you ask me, how would you know if you're in love?

I would say, "Your head completely shuts off and your heart speaks a million languages, amplified at the maximum volume. The logic of love does not imply, you risk because you know what you feel matters more than of what you think."

So..?

*Berapa orang dah aku cakap aku sayang mereka dalam blog ni?

Pinknerd said Jane sounded depressed, am I?

I am an Idealists, hence I respect idealistic entities. Nazism however, wants complete, absolute power. But I somehow think that they're just victims of circumstances - the Germans' norms and traditions. It is not entirely their fault, those inhumane acts.

Now tell me, do we break from our norms and traditions if they were to do us harm? Consistency in your beliefs or adaptations to the currency?

Fikir ah, malas. My workload is like the shizzit'.
Kill me.

I need to tell somebody what's on my mind besides Völkisch, but who?

Alex Turner is fucking awesome, he makes me want to sing, shout, dance, laugh, headbang etc etc etc.

Gary Lightbody keluarkan album baru, mudah-mudahan lagu single dia tidak akan di putarkan 65412648346128961 kali di radio, sebab ianya amat mengjengkelkan. Tidak bukan Gary, namun orang-orang yang sibuk nak tumpang gembira, sedangkan album Songs for Polarbears atau Final Straw mereka tidak tau sangat.

Noel Gallagher dan 'Dig out your soul' pun best, seperti kembali ke zaman 90-an.

Tom Chaplin dan rakan-rakan telah menghasilkan record yang best, lebih baik dari 'Under the Iron Sea' aku rasa. Tetapi 'Hopes and Fears' paling best lah.

Aku tidak dengar dengan teliti album lepas mereka, tetapi Ricky Wilson dan co. punya album baru, masyuk.

Baru empat album, hanya dalam kitaran RM 200. Duit?

Okay, buat kerja.

Arahan dan tanggungjawab bersama,

I am asked to promote a blog. Well not just any blog, it's one of my classes' project. Now, I know I don't usually promote things and what not, but this time, I guess I share the responsibility as well.

Jane's Effective Listening Class' project: YOUTH BEATS.

If you're one of the readers that are nearby, well drop by.
Because a) You get to see Jane. b) You get to figure who gave those brilliant (ridiculous) ideas.

Just click the link, okay.

Empty.

I am going to fucking die.

So many stuffs, so little time, and distractions.

No more "Flats" this semester, dude.

The Dynamics,

It has always been revolving around love.

Well, some like most who are involved in intimate relationships, believe that 'true love' exists. Despite rowdy manners and whatever that contradicts the sweet and idealistic texture of love. No doubt, these rowdy manners help us grow. But too much is simply, too much. Then again, they are in love, who really cares? They believe in mystical miracle.

Really then, love is blind.

It becomes poorer if one fails to see that too much is too much, and only sees that too little is much. Of course, the dynamics of love work miraculously and sometimes, confusingly. Most of the time, even. But who am I to judge these dynamics eh? In fact, even Dr. Love is not 100% accurate. Or even that fortune-teller, or astrologists.

The best things in life are wonderful when one works along with the dynamics, and be content with the dynamics. Meaning, when they have understand the bits and pieces of these dynamics and know how to act moderately, not polarized to one end.

For example, in a relationship (not only intimate ones mind you) a party can be clingy as hell that makes you suffocate for your own solitude. But hey, you sacrifice your solitude or your 'me time' as those acts would only frustrate the other party. You don't reply the other text messages, calls, and boom, an argument rises.

See how polarized this is? Ideally, love promotes togetherness yes, but at the same time it preaches us to be autonomous, to be independent but also dependent of each other at the same time. Just because you are together, does not mean you do not have your own life to run.

And this is why I love my friends for. They frustrate with my 'right' choices and when I come to my senses, they would laugh and said, 'I told you so'. They speak of their perception, and not dictate me with their perceptions, because they let me grow on my own. They do not monitor and track me 24/7 because they trust my doings in my daily routines.

They let me take a walk on my own, but at the same time they allow me to ride on their backs.

It is sad how people tend mix the essence of love and being possessive of each other. Polarizing the relationship to an extreme end. Again, moderate paced of things are always the best way to live.

Since my friends are beautiful people, I guess all Jane needs now is a beautiful, particular person that has moderate pace in his life. Ah, someone who penetrates through the heart, and aids the head. So that these two languages are at the moderate volume.

* Saya sayang Makcik 2, Moron 1 dan Flabs.

Away from here.

Sometimes, I think talk is cheap.
Most of the time, I'll fly away.

Jeng jeng jeng.

Ketandusan.

Foto dari CNNMoney.com

Selamat datang ke dunia baru, recession! Start saving.

Aku dengar, dia ni tak betul.

Sebab dunia ini bukan seperti yang kita sangkakan. Dan, untuk dunia ini menjadi ideal secara keseluruhannya, memang sukar.

Dan tiba-tiba, aku mempunyai seorang stalker. Tak apa, untuk mengelakkan segala komplikasi, saya bukan jumpingjanee with the double E.

Dan, saya punya e-mail bukan ANDRACUTE.

Blog psuedo Jumpingjane. Klik lah, gelak tawa sama aku.

Sisterhood!

Biasa lah, kami semua nak tunjuk kasut (selipar)
baru kami. So tahu kah anda mana Jane punya?

I've never had sisters, be it a younger or an elder one. Sometimes I envy my girlfriends who are able to share clothes, shoes or boy talks with their sisters. The closest I had of an elder sister figure were my dearest cousins, whom by now, have their own kids to nurture. However, I do have my closed girlfriends. Flabs, Mak cik 2, Moron 1.

Kita sama-sama akan menjelajahi dunia.
Saya sayangi kamu semua, kamu harus tahu.

One of the many (few).

A recent comment on one of my old post entitled, Live Forever.

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "Live forever.":

On a beautiful morning after a cup of coffee i decided to take a stroll to the city and came across advertisements that really caught my attention. it was literally about self esteem and boost of confidence for people that are going through an inferiority phase. now this is my take on this..

"Don't buy into that advertisement on what they say what people should look like. There are 6.5 billion people in the world and there are only about 20 supermodels, so they are the freaks, they are the ones that don't look normal."

The things i accidentally realize.

Jumpingjane would like to say,

"Anon, being put in the inferiority phase, then I guess it does make sense.
Heck, you are right! I mean, being in a so-called 'rut', one might see those supermodels as
'all-that', living in the fast-lane kinda thing.

But as you said, there are only 20 supermodels in the world, against 6.5 billion of people like us.
As you said, they are the ones that don't look normal.

Haha, but looking not normal isn't all that bad kan? I mean, being taken that there are only like 20 supermodels (okay, take other examples like, maybe only several Noble prize winner), well, if it was me, I would question myself, Why, can they be one of the few, and I on the other hand, am in the flock? Conforming to the mundane norms? I mean, well, maybe to me being one of the few gives me 'a closer' meaning of life. But then again, it all boils down to your pragmatic truth and your definitions aye?

Be merry, have a nice day! Oh, cheer up!"

See how two of these comments have different approaches to look at one thing? It's beautiful that a human mind is able to take a similar subject, and mingle with it from varied angles.

So, would you like to be one of the 6.5 billion people, or one of the 20 people?

Karavan,

Aku gemar apabila Fyfe Dangerfield mendendangkan lagu Cinta Rekaan #43 kerana melodinya diaturkan secara rapi. Fyfe menyintai si dia melalui percikan serta naga-naga yang berkilat. Juga, terdapat puisi di dalam tin Coke yang kosong. Fyfe juga menyatakan bahawa si dia mempunyai simetri yang sekata apabila si dia tersengih, membuatkan Fyfe tertarik, dan jatuh cinta. Namun, walaupun Fyfe telah jatuh cinta terhadap si dia, Fyfe merasakan bahawa si dia tidak mengambil peduli.

*
Keluhan seorang pelajar, walaupun aku menyedari bahawa masa semakin suntuk untuk aku tempohi kuiz serta tarikh penghantaran kerja, apabila aku membuka window Microsoft Word, aku merasakan, "Ahhh, lebih kurang 3 muka surat je lagi, aku pun sudah mempunyai points, cuma tinggal type dan elaborate sahaja.." Tapi aku tetap tertekan sebab time factor. Macam mana?

Viva La Vida or Death and All His Friends (2).

Allahyarham Datuk Jamaluddin Khalid.

Al-Fatihah kepada Arwah Uncle Jamal.

It's really funny if you think about the life and the death. Many of us know that we are bound to leave this world just any seconds. We feel bad about it, know that we should live and love. But too bad, the forces are stronger, most of us tend to forget about it as time passes on. We live loud.

On the first day of raya, at the nick of Maghrib, I visited my grandparents (Papa's side) in Kluang Johor after a festive meal at my Mama's sister's place. Both my parents never had a hard time deciding where to balik kampung, because we are all in Kluang, Johor.

There, first day of raya, at the nick of Maghrib, I drove in my Mak Tok's house. And the first person who greeted me at the gate was my late Uncle Jamal with his first granddaughter n his arms. I smiled inside, as I felt pleasant to see my uncles and aunts having their grandkids around. How time flies, how grown up we've became.

To my guilt, I didn't salam him on the first day of raya. I was afraid, because he was always so serious. What more he was playing with his granddaughter. Ah, tidak mengapa lah, I thought.
So I went ahead with adik next to me, visited everybody. Talked to the deceased wife and kids.

Abang Syah is all grown up, a little fleshy than I last remembered him. Met his wife, and his toddler. Kak Shy, well, I often see her on TV. And Sheera, teman sepermainan aku, the youngest of the three. Mak Jang, being the aunt I love to talk to whenever my dad's relatives are involved. We all talked and visioned about the future.

But what we all failed to vision about the future is death and all his friends.

I did not tear in front of my relatives (Mama's side) for I like to appear strong. Probably partially because I would like to think that it is not happening. Or probably I don't really feel it because he is not my habit, not part of my daily routine.

But as I write this, or every time I talked about the deceased and his family; I tear. The last of him I saw was him carrying his granddaughter, and behind the wheel of the black Avanza with his extended nucleus family. The last time I saw him, I did not salam him. I did not even utter a word, because of what? Fear for his silence.

I silently tear too when I saw Abang Syah on the Night News on TV. He was tearing next to Arwah's grave, holding the freshly dug ground. Tearing in disbelieve.

You truly do not know when it will come despite the inadequacy we offer.

Its scary is it not? We can't tell when death would come knocking along with his friends. We live too loud the sound of death is muffled. The people who have passed on, and the things that we have not done to them. And before you know it, . . .

Tragedi Oktober,

Selamat hari raya aidilfitri para pembaca.
Maafkan aku jikalau aku tersalah bahasa dan
menyiggung perasaan kamu semua, samaada
di blogosfera mahupun di luar.
Jikalau aku telah menyentuh perkara-perkara
sensitif di dalam entri-entri aku yang terdahulu.
Atau aku telah memerli kamu secara
subtle di dalam blog ini. Sekali lagi,

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri.
Maaf Zahir dan Batin.

The world is not free from..

Racism.

Those answers that the beauty pageants contestants always talk about when they say, "World peace" might be the most ridiculous answer. What more cliched. But when you think about it, it's the best thing that can happen to all of us.

To have an ideal world, an utopia might be absurd to many. Especially to those realists.

For many years, people have fought and talked about racism. I first came across the word Apartheid back when I was 8. And I thought to myself, the 'blacks' are actually looked down upon? Because I never had a problem playing with my fellow Malaysians.

But let's face it.. We are living in a world full of discrimination in many forms. Be it just by the brands and price of your clothes, or the clique that you hang out with, or even by your income group. And discriminating race, blood and heritage is new to us?

I mean come on, we are only different on the surface because we are just different physically. You have sepet eyes, I have darker skin than your kuning langsat skin. You have curly hair, and I have straight hair.

But that does not mean we are different on the inside. Both you and I are pretty much the same. We share the same airwaves, the same interest in music, movies, reading materials. Even passion. Both you and I love nasi lemak, roti canai, char koay and such.

Then why are we still talking language of the fools? Of 'pendatang' Tanah Melayu, of 'UITM hak bumiputra' (those stickers on cars are truly annoying although I must say the design is pretty)?

Hitler was wrong because he was preached by Liebenfels' polarized distortions of Darwin's Natural Selection theory. Hitler overemphasized on the Germans' superiority, and the Jews' inferiority, and his absurd thoughts on Darwin's theory of survival.

North America (backs in the 70s) had a rule at parks whereby the African-Americans were not to drink from the water fountains, and the water fountains were only privileged to the whites.

Malaysians, decided that unity built Malaysia.

After 51 years however, some decided that his(her) fellow Malaysians are mere 'pendatang' and his(her) own kind are the sole citizens of this tiny part of the Earth. Some fight for their privilege in the leading Uni of Malaysia, by putting up stickers on their rides.

Not promoting Marxism or anything, but it's just 10%. Healthy competition against the other 'kinds' is not all that bad. You talk of the 'Ah longs' making the economy grow, you talk of the 'Rajus' being in violence and disrupting peace. But those 'Alis', most are just happy riding on their kapchais. Some, are exploring the boundaries of the bumiputra privileges, and the ketuanan.

But when you leave them to explore on their own feet, how many of them could talk of the other entity of the physical world? How many can see beyond the boxes? Has being 'in their own kind' after so many years help many?

Try to talk to someone not of your kind. Yes, they might appear different from the outside. But you do share a common ground. Like the habit in the morning being caught in traffic, listening to 'Gotcha' on our local radio station.

We might look different from each other on the outside, but we do feel the same basic feelings like Love and Peace.

Turner dan ketidakstabilan minda,

Maafkan aku, tetapi aku harus melepaskan ketidakstabilan aku kepada sesuatu. Dan aku telah memilih mangsa aku.

Aku mengasihani kepada teman-teman lelaki yang harus menemani teman-teman wanita mereka di dalam sesi 'pelacuran kamera'. Maksud aku, jikalau teman lelaki perempuan itu seseorang yang memerlukan pemujaan yang konsisten seperti yang lain, tidak mengapa. Kedua teman lelaki dan teman wanita sehati-sejiwa, walaupun itu bermaksud sesi 'pelacuran kamera'.

Tetapi, kepada teman-teman lelaki yang terpaksa melayani kerenah teman-teman wanita mereka ini?

Dan juga, jikalau engkau berjalan-jalan membeli-belah untuk perayaan yang bakal menjelang, ataupun sesi melepak bersama rakan-rakan, engkau tidak perlu membawa kamera ke mana-mana sahaja dan menangkap setiap saat dan setiap gerak-geri engkau di dalam pusat membeli-belah itu.

Maksud aku, minggu hadapan, kita semua akan ke tempat yang sama semula. Hari ini sudah 'melacur' terhadap kamera, minggu hadapan, apabila kita ke tempat yang sama (cuma berbaju/outfit berlainan), adakah kita akan 'melacur' terhadap kamera lagi?

Oh lupa, of course we are! (we're in different outfits silly! Nevermind the place)

Apatah lagi, apabila mereka dedikasikan sebuah album untuk waktu riadah itu di 'mukabuku'.

Rakan sekelas aku yang agak distant, mengatakan secara terbuka, bahawa aku mempunyai isu-isu yang sehubung dengan perkara-perkara ini. Juga, isu-isu yang setema dengan ini.

Tetapi benar, sesi 'pelacuran kamera' tiap detik? Puh-lease.

Maaf, minggu depan lepas cuti, jangan pula kamu semua tidak mahu bercakap dengan aku di kolej. Aku hanya sekadar melepaskan geram. Mementingkan diri juga lah kiranya. Tetapi tidak mengapa, hari Rabu dah Syawal.

This place is getting old,

The third reich.

Somebody get me the hell out of this rut.

Gigi Rongak (Senget?),

Entri sebelum ini aku telah menceritakan tentang Alex Turner dan alam percintaannya. Tetapi hari ini, aku akan menyatakan tentang kisah Ben Gibbard pula. Kisah percintaan Ben Gibbard menyatakan bahawa dia telah membina sebuah mahligai di dalam hatinya. Namun, mahiligai itu telah hancur akibat diperbuat daripada kayu usang. Ben Gibbard juga telah mengulangi bahawa, si dia tidak akan dapat menjumpai apa-apa pun, kerana dari mulanya, memang tiada kimia di antara mereka. Ben Gibbard juga mengatakan bahawa peperangan dua entiti di antara minda dan hatinya, merupakan dirinya yang sebenar. Kemudian, dia mengulangi lagi;

"Cause you can't find nothing at all, if there was nothing there all along."

Oh, dan bebe memintai aku mengucapkan Selamat Hari Lahir yang ke-17 kepadanya walaupun aku telah memberitahunya bahawa Jane tidak membuat Birthday shout outs (kerana ianya tidak relevan, aku hanya perlu mengucapkan secara persendirian bukan?) di blog dia. Untuk mengelakkan perbalahan kata, aku pun mengatakan okay. Maka, selamat hari jadi ke-17 Kido!

Dynamite,

Apa lagi yang dapat menemani diri selain Alex Turner mendendangkan lagu tentang kisah pemukauan seseorang terhadap dirinya walaupun si dia tidak melakukan apa-apa. Tidak adil, bukan? Alex Turner mepertaruhkan si dia tentu kelihatan hebat berdansa. Alex Turner juga tidak tahu bahawa si dia sedang memantau untuk sebuah kisah romantis atau tidak. Senang cerita, Alex Turner tak tahu apa yang si dia cari. Tetapi Alex Turner tahu bahawa si dia tetap akan kelihatan hebat berdansa.

Maybe not the dancing thing, because we don't do that. But you know.. It isn't fair.

Komplikasi pada pagi Sabtu.

Aku sering cemburu akan orang-orang yang mampu membuat keputusan dengan peratusan kepastian yang tinggi. Maksud aku, kebolehan mereka untuk mengetahui tujuan mereka dan mengetahui bahawa tujuan itulah yang mereka mahukan. Mereka tidak sekali pun mengalami keraguan akan platfom yang mereka pilih untuk di adaptasikan di dalam hidup mereka.

Perkara seperti ini, mungkin akan di ambil mudah sekiranya ia melibatkan perkara yang remeh seperti hendak memilih warna baju kurung mahupun baju melayu sempena Aidilfitri yang bakal menjelang. Atau menjawab soalan mudah seperti 'Anda seorang yang lebih cenderung kepada perisa Cokelat ataupun Vanila?'. Jikalau anda seorang yang teknikal seperti aku, lain cerita. Soalan-soalan seperti ini, amat sukar untuk aku jawab dengan kepastian yang sungguh, kerana pilihan-pilihan seperti ini, aku gemari dengan sekata.

Namun, aku lebih tertarik kepada aspek yang lebih besar.

Aku sering tertanya, bagaimana seseorang itu memanggil dirinya seorang yang mengikuti ideologi sesuatu platfom. Seperti menjadi pengikut kepada parti politik tertentu atau pengikut ideologi Totalitarian atau Fascist atau Tyranny seperti contoh. Alang-alang sandiwara politik semakin hangat pada musim ini, aku akan memberi contoh politikal. Tetapi, kamu harus ingat, aku berada di garisan neutral.

Pensyarah aku di kampus sering menunding kepada aku apabila beliau memberikan contoh politikal di kelas komunikasi. Beliau telah membuat tuntasan bahawa aku pro-Anwar daripada ulasan-ulasan ringkas di dalam kelas tentang drama politik di negara kita.

Aku tidak tahu bahawa aku harus berterima kasih kepada beliau atau tidak? Kerana aku sendiri, tidak tahu menahu aku berada di platfom mana? Maksud aku, aku tidak tahu bahawa aku harus terus memperjuangkan hak 'kerajaan' kita yang telah lama berdiri teguh, ataupun aku harus membawa pertukaran serta pemikiran liberal ke mukabumi Malaya.

Aku mempunyai dua tahun lagi untuk mencecah 21, mahu mengundi ke tidak? Banyak masa lagi untuk difikirkan. Tetapi, pos ini bukan tentang aku.

Ramai berpendapat mereka sudah muak hendak membaca wawancara-wawancara berunsur politik di dalam akhbar harian. Apabila mereka berkata begitu kepada aku, aku seakan bisu. Tidak tahu bahawa hendak mengiyakan pendapat mereka, atau berkata aku masih tidak muak. Malahan, artikel-artikel tersebutlah yang aku hendak baca di dalam akhbar. Drama para pemimpin kita.

Kemudian, aku juga terpegun dengan kebolehan parti-parti tertentu membuat deklarasi serta ulasan mereka tentang keadaan politik di negara kita. Mereka berpendapat bahawa ISA tidak patut bertindak sedemikian dan sebagainya. Apa kan lagi apabila ramai para bloggers yang menuliskan pendapat mereka, serta menyuarakan pihak mana yang 'benar' dan pihak mana yang 'mengucar-kacirkan' Malaysia, tanah air kita semua.

Seperti aku telah mengatakan di dalam pos-pos lama aku, perkara ini semuanya subjektif. Mereka memimpin negara serta mengimbangkan kebenaran dan kesalahan yang berkaitan dengan negara berpandukan Perlembagaan serta segala fail-fail 'Legal' yang telah dimodifikasikan serta diundi oleh pihak berkuasa. Maka, perkara-perkara 'Legal' ini adalah hasil pihak berkuasa atas apa yang mereka rasakan yang baik, serta yang elok untuk rakyat jelata.

Soalan yang sering dipertanyakan di dalam kelas-kelas psikologi, ia nya mungkin legal tetapi adakah ia beretika?

Namun, apa akan terjadi sekiranya interpretasi serta definisi kita semua berbeza?

Maksud aku, ISA telah menahan individual-individual ini atas interpretasi mereka terhadap perbuatan individual-individual tersebut. Sudah tentu, pihak ISA telah berpandukan panduan mereka. Tetapi, ramai yang berada di luar sana, telah memberi definisi yang lain terhadap panduan-panduan ISA ini. Hasilnya? Mereka tidak berpuas hati.

Entahlah, mungkin inilah kehidupan. Semuanya berbeza. Definisi kita semua berbeza. Legalisme serta etika? Mereka bagaikan air dan minyak.

* Dan jika aku seorang hacker yang hebat, aku akan hack ke dalam komputer jiran aku, kerana dia, telah memasang lagu Trance berunsur Ayutrance dengan kuat, malahan aku, mendengar lagu The Killers. Hendak mengadakan battle kekuatan speaker Subwoofer kami, namun, aku mengingatkan diri aku bahawa, kita harus hidup secara tamadun. WEH BABI SIAL, LAGU DIA TAK BEST. Tau tak, ia bagaikan air dan minyak?

Jumaat, aku telah jatuh cinta.

Pada hari-hari yang lain aku merasakan bahawa untuk mendengari lagu The Cure yang berjudul Friday, I'm in love tidak begitu afdal. Kerana A) hari tersebut bukanlah hari Jumaat dan B) I'm not fucking in love.

Pada pagi ini, aku mendengari lagu yang sama dengan semangat tahun 70-an bersama band-band berunsur punk yang berasaskan idealogi anarchist, aku merasakan yang sama. Tetapi, lagu Friday, I'm in love pada pagi Jumaat agak afdal kerana A) hari ini hari Jumaat dan B) aku bertanya, 'Is this love?'. Dan aku tidak berfikir panjang, kerana aku mengetahui ianya akan tetap statik. Ianya mungkin tidak akan direalisasikan walaupun sudah berzaman lamanya.

Tetapi ketika aku mendengari lagu Editors,( tiada kena mengena dengan zaman Punk mahupun Anarchist) baru seketika tadi aku merasakan aku hendak menyanyi lagu Friday, I'm in love. Dan aku merasakan ianya agak afdal, kerana hari ini masih hari Jumaat dan B) figure it yourself genius.

Mahu bernyanyi bersama aku tak?

Between everything there lies,

Pragmatic (functional) truth.

Have you ever had those days where you feel like strangling the person who just does not listen what are you trying to say? I mean, both of you do not see eye to eye, you both are not on the same page. In any case, this often happens in an intimate relationship. The little arguments over tiny issues that would lead to a rowdy tension?

Your girlfriend would kill you because you went out for drinks with a couple of girl friends from work simply because she's possessive. But to her, it is because you too, are possessive of her. Why not be equal then?

On a lighter note, your girlfriend is insecure because you're charming with the girls and even if they had their own partners, flings are usually harmless nay? You too would not want your girl to have flings with other boys. Hence, one day over dinner, she expresses her dissatisfaction through her subtle non-verbal gestures and cynical statements. You get the hint. You blow your angst disproportionately.

Maka dengan itu, terciptalah perbalahan kata. Jikalau di antara kamu bertuah, mungkin terjadinya kelakuan kasar seperti perkataan-perkataan kesat atau intonasi yang tidak menyenangkan.

It is tough when both of the parties aren't being rational and "adult" over the discomfort agruments. I mean, sure an arguement is healthy. But it really would not go anywhere when both insist on getting their point as THE truthful one. It wouldn't go anywhere if you would want the absolute truth, and not the truth.

I mean, come one. Let's face it. Everything in this world is beautifully (and sometimes despressingly) subjective. Say you are going to point A from home. I'm sure there are many routes to it. And when you really think about it, these routes aren't much different. But why, why would you want to use the route that you have chosen?

Similarly, a subject is approached differently by various individuals. In our intimate relationship case, the boyfriend believes of his pragmatic truth whereas the girlfriend too, believes in her pragmatic truth. But their truths are varied at some point due to many factors that have been influencing their lives.

No matter how much swear words you throw to your partner, no matter how many stuffs you throw at him/her, no matter how much time you spend trying to sense him/her with your point, it would not work if your partner has insisted on his/her pragmatic truth.

It might probably work, if both stand on neutral grounds. Listen openly, evaluate, then find mutual grounds. Work from there.

Likewise with what's happening, the P.M might see its best for him to put divisions his original jobs with his D.P.M. But some might just not like it, because it's simply absurd. Some (like Little Miss Seputeh) might see that the volume of the Azan is a little too loud.

Some might see Julius Caesar as a tyrant, and decided to kill him in the Senate itself.

You see, you and I, just like these public figures and politicians are just people who are holding close to their pragmatic truth, to their functional truth. The question of whether it is right or wrong, also, is subjective. The norm says its wrong but some other norm might say it is right.

Pragmatic (functional) truth.

It is easy to speak our own words attached even with the slightest influenced of one's own functional truth. It is easy to judge others' doings that are based on their functional truth.
But what is not easy is to not be bias. You and I are bias even at the slightest bit. We say words align with our pragmatic truth, even if it goes or does not go with the norm.

Maka dengan itu, di dalam hubungan percintaan kamu, janganlah keras kepala dengan harapan dapat menerangkan secara rasional tentang ulasan kamu terhadap si dia. Tidak akan ke mana-mana pun. Aku sarankan, diam sahaja dan senyum. Terangkan keresahan anda dan berharap dia menelannya dengan matang, dan jikalau dia mahu bertengkar juga, padamkan telefon kamu. Dunia ni ramai lagi lelaki dan perempuan.

Then again, we live beautifully with flavors.

Percubaan entri 2.

Aku harus berkata, tahun ini adalah suatu tahun yang meriah setelah sekian lama. Bukan mengharap, cuma mesej tersirat telah menusuk jiwa dan raga. Ramai insan yang telah mengenali aku, dan juga telah bersabar dengan kerenah-kerenah tidak logik aku. Mereka tetap di sini. Walaupun peratus kejayaan kejutan tidak menghampiri 100%, namun, it's the thought that counts, eh?

Terima kasih semua. Mama saya best, dia tahu kek kegemaran saya dan juga telah sanggup menutup kebenaran, walaupun beliau berpuasa.

Kawan-kawan saya juga best. MyVi kamu boleh muat 7 orang ke tak? Tak boleh kan? Itu sebab badan-badan kita kecil. Kawan-kawan kamu sanggup berbuka bawang Murtabak sementara menunggu kemunculan kamu tak? Bawang weh, mereka best. Kawan kamu sanggup telefoni kamu dari Dungun dan menghantari teman lelakinya sebagai penganti tak? Tak, sebab kawan kamu mungkin possesive atas teman lelakinya.

Dan jikalau kamu semua menantikan gambar-gambar, seperti mana rakan-rakan aku telah berkata kepada aku atas niat mengutuk secara sinis kepada parti-parti tertentu, "Tell all about this on your blog, with pictures." Hasrat foto-foto kamu, tidak akan tercapai. Kerana A) Aku buruk apabila diselubungi tepung dan B) Foto-foto itu tidak perlu, dan bilangan foto taklah diambil dengan banyak pun.

Saya nak menontoni Rome. Gaius Julius Caesar.

Percubaan entri 1.

Keseimbangan di angkasa?

Mengapa, mereka yang menulis entri pos berbahasa Ibunda seakan seksi, serta menawan? Tidak, bukan tertarik secara fizikal, atau all that mushy crap. Tapi betul, sangat menawan.

Aku, nak menukilkan entri dalam bahasa Ibunda? Mungkin secara lazimnya akan kelihatan seperti, you know, "trying so hard". Bukan itu sahaja, aku tidak hebat seperti Abang Neraka (God I miss reading his stuffs) atau Melayu Minimalis dan penulis-penulis blog yang serumpun dengan mereka.

Tapi tak apa, aku bangga untuk mengetahui segelintir daripada darah muda yang masih membawa kehebatan bahasa kita. Berapa sangat dalam darah muda-mudi kita yang hebat berbahasa Ibunda? Bukan Bahasa Pasar. Tiada "mgkn = mungkin" atau "btl=betul" atau "mnrk=menarik" atau "pg=pergi/pagi" atau "km=kamu" atau "ko=kau".

Mungkin mereka hendak (perlu) membeli huruf vokal?

Empty little notes of Jane's personal life.

Damia Wafa dan Ahmad Irfan.
Daughter and Son of Noor Shakirin dan Mohd. Faisal,
my two annoying cousins,
who insist on calling me ketot.

I love my little niece and nephew.

Darlings are they not?

I'm pulling my heart closer to family.
Tak sabar nak Raya!

Tok Mak called me the other day, early in the morning mind you,
asking me to tell Mama that she wants a new pair of sandals,
and a new phone.

I messaged my Aunt asking about Uncle's DSLR.. which turns out
to be only an SLR. She, being sarcastic as ever
with her husband.

Messaged kakak, wanting her daughter Damia Wafa,
to be my model for my assignment. Asking me how to pay the kid?
Anak dia minum Starbucks, mahal tak budak kecik yang hampir 3 tahun ni?
Mak apa kasi anak dia minum Starbucks weh?
Caramel Machiato lagi tu.
But I think mama dia yang nak minum.

Pieces of the past races,

My earliest memories.
Around the age of 5-6.

1. Running around the garden of my old place, holding those nicely shaped Postman Pat's chocolates Papa bought from London. And being shouted, "Eee. Tak Puasa". Also, during that time, before noon, I'd ask Mama whether I could eat Milo Powder. "Ayang lapar".

2. Calling Papa bodoh in a hotel in Paris, being chased around the hotel room with a belt on his hand, and me running to Mama hugging her at her leg, crying.

3. On our regular trips to Langkawi because of his project there. Pelangi Beach Resort, Desaru and Subang Airport felt like home.

4. After our European trip, I, told Papa that I was lazy to continue to attend my Pre-school. So I sat at home, watching TV 24/7 and the Principal, Mr.Tan, came to my house. Ho ho ho.

5. Getting a Polly Pocket from Toy'R'Us, and having to keep a little secret.

6. Having the best 5th Birthday Party ever. Really, we had Mc Donalds came over to our house, and the Mr. Hambuglar was there too! Playing with us kids. And, the table was filled with birthday presents. Seriously. Big sizes I tell ya'!

**

1. Now, I sit in front of my laptop, waiting for the break fast time, and delaying my textbooks.

2. In coherent with my Eleven Years Ago post, kids nowadays are moving "in advance". I mean, I was a late 80-s baby, and I learned the words such as bodoh, and practice it when I was six. And I think I deserve that belt whipping. Wait, I can't remember whether Papa did hit me. But yes, just make sure you teach your kids well.

3. Lama siot tak pergi Langkawi.

4. Ha ha ha, don't deprive your kids from education.

5. Don't rasuah your kids with toys, gifts or whatever. We're teaching people to not be corrupted, but really, how far has the campaign go? Teach your kids to do the right thing, even if it means bringing the one who is at fault down. Truth hurts, but you know it's the right thing to do.

6. I love my papa and mama. Adik wasn't born yet then. Now, gaduh lah setiap hari dengan Adik.

Back to belajar.